"Self Image"

"You can take no credit for beauty at sixteen. But if you are beautiful at sixty, it will be your soul's own doing." ~Marie Stopes



Stand in from of the mirror and look at yourself.. I mean really look at yourself...for a minute or 2...look into your eyes..the shape of your face..the curve of your smile...the shape of your body...down to your legs...and finally your feet. Let you eyes travel back up slowly taking in every curve..every shape...the tone of your skin..how defined your muscles are...ending right back where you started....Your eyes...

What did you see? I have a reason for asking...

I had a personal breakthrough this weekend..and it was very unexpected. I have been pondering on this all week trying to let the words come to me so I could write this just right..and this post might be a little all over the place..but I promise I have a point...

I have struggled my whole life trying to become the image in head that I wanted to be... As young women there is a pressure to look, act, and dress a certain way...The teenage years are horrible, and the pressure is sometimes unbearable. As I think back on it now and I look at pictures from myself back then...I was skinny as a rail...but I never thought I was thin enough. I never quite fit "the mold" of myself that I have in my head. As you grow older that image stays with you and you continue to aspire to be that one day...I have never particulary had good self esteem..and certainly never looked at myself in the mirror and thought good things about myself. It was always thoughts about my hips being to big..my nose being to long...I needed to lose more weight..and so on...

When I got married I felt a little overwhelmed...Travis and I didnt move in together until after we got married..I had always lived with my parents...and honestly, I was terrified at the thought of leaving their house. Bless his heart, Travis was wonderful...the night we came back from our honeymoon (early because I missed Khristian so much) was the night that it really hit me that I was now "married"..I cried myself to sleep..Travis rubbed my back and told me over and over that it was going to be alright...he was so sweet and so caring. The first couple months was a whirwind for me..I had always payed "my" bills and taken care of Khristian's things on my own or with the help of my parents...I not only had to adjust to becoming a "wife" but I had to adjust to it not being just me & Khristian..It was now Me, Khristian and Travis...

To cope.I started eating..stress eating I guess you could call it...Over the course of a year I had gained up to 230 lbs...It was a gradual weight gain..and with each pound grew more and more insecurity about my self..my self esteem was getting lower and lower...at one point, I hated getting up in the morning and looking in a mirror because I pure hated what I saw...I felt my body was disgusting..Travis told me over and over how beautiful I was..but here's the thing..until you believe it yourself..words are just words...

On Travis & I's anniversary in 2007, we when to Panama City Beach for the weekend...I needed a new swimsuit so we went into one of those little swimsuit shops on Thomas Drive( you know, the ones that only fit girls the size of my pinky)...there was not one single swimsuit in that whole store that fit me..I was horrified at myself! How could I have let myself get that big..gain that much weight?? I cryed the entire weekend...when we returned home...Travis did something that surprised me...he went to Troy, Health and Fitness...got a years membership to the gym...came home and told me "If you dont like it, change it"...He went to the the gym with me day in and day out..encouraging me, helping me, showing me..and just plain making me go when it felt like I wanted to give up...

Over the course of almost 2 years..I lost a total of 105 lbs. I made small goals and each one I smashed...I had this theory that when I got down to a size 12 that I would be happy with my appearance...I was wrong. So I went further...size 10...still not happy..so I got down to a size 7/8 (which is where I am at now)...and I have still not been happy. I work out everyday at the gym...sweat my butt off...push my muscles to the limit to get the look that I see in my head that I want to be...Where does it stop? Is there ever going to be a time that I can actually look at myself and be proud of my body??

Saturday, February 26, 2011...that day finally came. I ran my first 5k with 2 awesome girls...my time was great...31 minutes and 6 seconds. We were so excited after the race and of course, took pictures...My breakthrough came on the ride home (as Travis and Khristian were telling me how proud they were of me)..as I was looking at the pictures...It hit me like a ton of bricks...I didnt have one negative thing to say about myself..for once in my life, I was proud of the way my body looked!! I was proud of my lean looking legs, my toned arms and chest, the curve of my hips...I was proud of my hard work...

You see, I didnt understand that not only did the transformation have to take place on the outside..but it also had to take place on the inside. I had to believe that my body was beautiful..and until I did that...I was never going to match up to that image in my head...
No..I may not look like Brooklyn Decker on the cover of Women's Health...but that is ok
..I will never stop striving to make my body look leaner and toner...but I will no longer stare at myself in a mirror hating the way I look..hating that my body doesnt compare to others...I will no longer beat myself down for my minor imperfections...

I am proud of my body...Finally...


                                                     (This is the picture that changed it all)