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Letting go..

 Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I am letting go...

I am letting you go...

I am letting go of the hurt..the frustration..the pain..because in the end...I realize..I dont need you...

Your games..your self destruction..your lies..you can have them all..I dont want them...because I know who I am, I know where I am going..and I know that at the end of it all...I will be just fine...

You have made me feel undeserving..unloved...disappointed...your actions bother me..but I also thank you for it...it has made the fog roll away and I see you for your true colors...I tried to give you a chance, I tried so hard..but in the end, you took that and twisted it to your advantage...

The wall is back up..and thanks to your actions..it will never be broken back down...I realize now, I havent done anything wrong..I am human..I make mistakes like anyone else..but so do you...I admit I not always right..I admit I am hard headed..I admit I am a little to bold sometimes...I admit that I am not perfect...I am admit that I am selfish...but my faults does not make me undeserving..

You will never be the person I need you to be..and I realize that now..I don't blame you...I pity you...

So...I am letting go..

I am letting you go....

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" 8 Months of Denial..."

 Thursday, March 24, 2011

"Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the butt...And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?”

Denial really is a funny thing...You see something, it's right there..staring you in the face...you can feel it, touch it, taste it..but yet in your mind..you dont want it to be real...You back up, turn away..walk away..shake your head and tell yourself...its not true..your eyes are playing tricks on you...you close your eyes, take a deep breath...and wish with all you heart that your mind is decieving you. Against all hope...when you open your eyes..the truth is still staring you in the face...Do you still choose to believe it...or...Do you choose to still live in denial?

People say there are moments that you know as soon as they happen.. that nothing in your life will ever be the same...Those people would be right. For instance, I knew the instant that little plus sign on that drug store pregnancy test popped up...that nothing would ever be the same in my life again. I shook my head and told myself it was a bad test...so I took another..and then another...3 different test..same ending result...

I slid to the floor and dissolved into tears...head in my hands...and whispered out loud "This isnt real"...This moment was unlike any I have ever had..due to the fact that normally my mind is so full of thoughts that I sometimes can't keep them straight...In this moment, only one thought entered my mind..."This isnt real"..I truly believe I was in shock...As I sat on the floor, I dont really think I thought that there was a possibility that I could be pregnant...It sounds cliche, but as a teenager you really have the mindset that those kinds of things just won't happen to you...Hindsight 20/20..I now realize how ridiculous that is..I felt like I was in a fog as I walked out of the building ..down the stairs and got in my best friends car..I used her phone to call my ex..I stepped out of her car..my hands shaking the whole time..I didnt have a clue as to what I was going to say to him..all I can do is tell myself to keep breathing...The phone rings 3 times before his dad picks up...Trying not to let my voice shake... I ask to speak to my ex..several agonizing minutes later I hear his voice on the other end of the line..my throat closes up..fresh tears forming under my eyelids..only taking a few seconds to start zigzaging slowly down my cheeks...my heart starts beating out of my chest..I literally feel like its going to beat right out of my chest...I start to feel panic bubble up in the pit of my stomach...and just when I think I can't do this I hear him say "Hello?"..I can't say anything..not that I dont want to..I physically can not speak...He repeat's himself.."Hello??"...I try again..this time after what seems like a eternity I find my voice from somewhere deep within myself..."Its Jess..." Silence..."Hello?"..he replies.."I'm here.." At this point, the tears are falling freely..and all I can manage to get out is "I'm pregnant..." I couldnt hold back my sobs any longer..they just came in waves...He said several things to me but all I could manage to hear was "Are you sure your pregnant?".."Yes.." I managed at which point he said we would simly talk the next day and hung up the phone...I stood there regain any shred of composure I had left in my body..I walked back to the car shaking and still in disbelief...I asked her to take me home...

I got home and walked inside..I don't really remember the next hour or so..I was kinda stunned still.. just going through the motions...took a shower, brushed my teeth...climbed into bed..I couldnt close my eyes so I stared at the ceiling...In the midst of the night when all was quiet..there was no sound but my own breathing..I was left alone with my thoughts...the truth was pressing down on my chest..causing me to feel like I couldnt breathe...I needed fresh air so I got up as quietly as I could and walked outside...I wish I could have left my thoughts in my bedroom but they followed me out...What seems so odd to me is that the night is so quiet all you can hear is the faint sound of crickets but your thoughts are so loud..You can't escape them...inside or outside..there deafening. I couldnt help but to pinch myself...this was a dream, right?...no, a nightmare...a mistake..I couldnt possibly be pregnant...I mean, this happened to other girls but not me, right?...right??...not me...no, this isnt happening..Not me...I kept repeating those words over and over and over..willing them to come true..This was not in my "perfect" future that had been planned out..I cried silently on our back porch..sitting on those cold cement stairs..arms wrapped around my legs..wishing I could go back a couple hours and the that cheap drug store pregnancy test would show me a negative sign...just a measly little negative sign..and my world could go right back to normal...

I now know this was the first stage of "Denial"...

I didn't sleep that night..I watched the sun come up and as much as I wanted to see the beauty in it..There was none...I scrubbed my face which was sore by now from my many hours of crying...I did the best patch job I could on my puffy, red eyes..and left for school...While I would like to say that during the night I prepared myself for what came next..sadly, I didnt...I honestly, truly, and whole heartedly did not know what was going to happen...I waited by the ROTC department in front of the school waiting for my ex to get there..I paced..I walked...and then I paced some more..finally I saw him come around the building and my panic level shot up at the instant sight of him..I wanted to be stronge..but in that moment I felt anything but stronge..It looked like sleep had packed up and left both of us..he looked stressed and a little paniced himself...he finally reached me...There was no hug...no Hello's...nothing..."How can you be sure?" he asked... I responded with a "I took 3 pregnancy tests and all of them pointed to me being pregnant"...I asked the only thing I knew to "What are we going to do?"...I got silence...I am pretty sure his insides was just as twisted and turned as mine were...We were kids...The biggest decition we had ever had to make was what we were doing the following weekend...He finally said "He needed to think.." first period bell rang...

(This next part is extremly emotional for me..and while I am fine opening up 95% of my life to you all..there is still that 5% that has to remain private...so this next part will be brief with not as much in detail information )

I was basically given a ultimatium...I had 2 choices...1.) Get a abortion...or...2.) if I choose to keep the child then he made it quite clear he wanted nothing to do with either of us...I literally could not believe my ears..Out of everything I thought he might say this never crossed my mind..Never..To say I was stunned is an understatement..dumbfounded...floored..shocked...in less that 24 hours my life was in complete choas...What happened to our future that we had planned..college..marriage...living happily ever after?? Where was my fairy tale? 4 years of my life..4 years of my life I gave him..loved him..believed him..and this is what I get..a ultimatum?! If I am going to be honest with you and myself..abortion did cross my mind for a mere moment..just a moment...before it vanished. I mean, come on...your 17, no job, not even out of high school, no drivers licence much less a car, no money, my boyfriend of 4 years just gave me a ultimatium..I had nothing...and your telling me there is way out of this?? I had always said that thought would never cross my mind..but at that moment I learned a valuble lesson... until you have actaually walked in those shoes you "honestly" dont know what you would do...I knew I could never live with myself if I followed through with a abortion..I didnt know a whole lot at that moment..but I was certain of that...I wish I could say there was a clear defining moment that I made my choice..but there wasnt...As I walked up to him later in the day...I still didnt have a clue as to what I was going to say..my mouth was dry..my heart was racing...I wanted to cry but that wasnt a option...Our eyes met..."I'm not getting a abortion.." the words came out before I had a chance to think about it..I didn't know what I was going to do..but I knew in my heart that abortion wasnt the way..it seemed to easy...wrong...Our eyes stayed locked almost in a stare off and finally he responded..."Ok.." and he turned and walked away...

That rest of that day went by in a fog...I dont remember the classes..the ride home..I was numb..but I do remember the feeling...terrified..so very terrified ..."Oh God, how could I have been so stupid..so nieve??"  I felt worthless...useless..I felt abandoned...he was supposed to love me..he was supposed to care...4 years...and he was gone...If he could leave...couldnt everyone else? Everyone that had said they cared...everyone that said they loved me...could they abandon me to?? The one person that said he would never leave did just that...he left..wiped his hands clean..and was done...never looking back...He made it seem so easy..Was I that useless to him that he could just walk away with such ease...What am I supposed to do?? The thoughts were so loud in my head..they just kept coming...one right after another..question after question...with each question..my fear grew..the panic was getting larger..and I simply couldnt get a grip on reality.."Breathe Jessica"..I told myself.. "just breathe...."

I never said to myself  "I am going to hide this pregnancy"..it just kinda happened..as crazy as this sounds..I thought that if I wished it away long enough that it would happen..."Poof"...and it would disappear...like it does in the Disney movies...I would wake up and this growing baby that was taking over my body would be gone...I was now in full blown "Denial"...I started lying to cover up things...I am ashamed of the lies I told and I regret each one of them..but I couldnt take the chance of everyone I cared about leaving me...I had a so-so relationship with my Mom..and my relationship with my dad was so so as well considering I only saw him every other weekend..my brother and sister...well..lets just say James was involved with his own things..and Wendy was pregnant at the same time I was...Again, lets all be honest here..Did your parents truly know you when you were 17..I mean really know who you were? Mine didnt...I only let them see what I wanted them to see...its easy to fool people when there not really looking...I didnt feel like I could go to any of them and really sit down and talk..I mean really talk...I couldnt help but to feel like I was a huge disappointment...this is about the time that my depression really started...I grew silent from everyone I cared about...I hide..and I will admit something here that I have never said out loud..ending my life briefly crossed my mind...It was another way out..

I dont know exactly how far I was along at this point..Im thinking around 3 months due to the fact that I had mild morning sickness..I was starting to gain a little weight which I hid under bigger clothes...The months started to pass...one month..two months..three months...it was getting harder and harder to hide the growing belly..I was silent..growing more and more withdrawn...more depressed by the day...and still no one knew I was pregnant...This secret was weighing heavy on me...it was eating me alive...I wanted to tell someone so bad...I opened my mouth several times to try..but the words just wouldnt come out..no matter how hard I tried to make them....the words just wouldnt form...My sister was pregnant at the same time I was...every doctors appointment she went to I found myself becoming more and more bitter...every phone call she made telling me that she heard the heartbeat...every baby shower I went to...Every fake smile I had to put on..I was jealous..I was angry...I was hurt..I was so incredibly hurt...Its not my sister's fault...She was being a normal, happy, mother to be...Something that I wanted so badly...I had no one there to hold my hand and tell me it was going to be alright...I had no one there to take me to the doctor and hold my hand as we heard the heartbeat of our child...I had no one there to sooth my fears of inadequacy..no one to kiss my forehead and tell me they loved me...the person that was supposed to do all that...walked out the door...and never glanced back....


To be continued....

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"Blessed"

 Monday, March 21, 2011

"Be glad of life, because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars."



Last night as I layed in bed with Travis..I reflected over my weekend...I got a little emotional because as I layed there I was overcome with a sense of contentment...I am so blessed...

I have a husband that is not only my "husband" in name but he is my very best friend...As I sit here and think about our time together (dating and marriage)..I think about the fact that things are so easy for us...We have never really had a big fight, yes some disagreements, but nothing that would amount to a hill of beans...we understand one anothers needs..we dont fight against each other..we work with one another..there is a common appreciation that we have for the other person. I watch Alabama football and wrestling (I like John Cena) with him, and try to play him in football on the PlayStation (which he kicks my butt in every time)..He sit's down and watches Pretty Little Liars, One Tree Hill, and rubs my back for me at night...He makes me laugh and he laughs at all my crazy ideas and most of the time goes along with them. I couldnt ask for a better father for Khristian...I wish you all could see his face when he gets to coach Khristians baseball and football teams...I could really go on and on here but sum it up...Travis and I not only have a marriage..we have a bond that is out if this world...

I have a small handful of friends that I know I can count on...As we grilled out at our house Saturday night..I looked around and was surrounded my best friend from high school, one of my best friends from Troy, and my Brother (one of my best friends) and my husband (again, best friend)...Friends are my family that I choose to surround myself with..and I have to say that I have a great "family"..

As Travis and I got up and got ready for church on Sunday morning...I was all smiles...but my smile got alot bigger as I walked into the church..came up to "our" pew that we sit on every Sunday..and sitting there was my Daddy...He and my step-mom came to church with us. It felt great to sit in church with my parents, Travis parents, my son and Husband...the only that made it better was Travis got up in front of the church..played his guitar and sang..as he got ready to sing..Khristian told me "Mom, scoot over so I can see my daddy sing"...He was a proud son and I was a proud wife...

I realized last night I have the life that I always dreamed of...I'm not saying its perfect..I have my problems like everyone else...but I have enough sense not to focus on the bad and and to thank God for all the blessing and people he has placed in my life...I can't spend my life focusing on if someone doesnt like what I do, write, say, dont say, watch..or whatever the case may be..The sun is shining and I am breathing..I choose what I do and who I surround myself with...

Once we recognize what it is we are feeling..once we recognize we can feel deeply..love deeply...feel joy...then we can demand that all parts of our lives produce that kind of joy... :)

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Flashes...

 Wednesday, March 16, 2011


I had a dream last night...the thing about this dream that stands out  is I actually remember the whole thing in entirety..not just bits and pieces that fade through out the day..When I woke up I wanted to make sure I remembered it so I got up around 2 this morning and wrote it down..I dont need the words that I wrote to piece it together though...Its engraved in my thoughts this morning and I feel that I need to write it down to better understand what my subconcious is telling me...

The dream started out with me being a old women..maybe in my 70's but not quite certain...(let me tell you, seeing yourself at that age is surreal)..I was sitting indian style and surrounding me were polaroid snap shots..I dont know the exact count but I am sure there were several hundreds of them...before I even started looking at them I just knew that there was my life in retrospect captured on all these polaroids...So I started picking them up one by one and looking at them...for each picture that I picked up there was a "flash" and I was taken right back to that moment in time...sort of like I was time traveling...I can remember exactly what I was feeling with each picture..some sad..some nostalgic..some happy..some unbearable...Some pictures I remembered the moments..some pictures were moments that my 27 year old self present self has not yet expierenced...

I reached out and picked up the first picture..Flash...I was sitting in our old house in Highland Home where my sister, brother and I were sitting around the wood burning heater with both of my parents...Flash..I was sitting on my Grandmothers floor listening to her old records...Flash...the day my parents told us they were getting a divorce and my daddy told was telling me bye..Flash...I had the chicken pox and it was snowing outside..my brother and sister filled up the bath-tub so I could make a snowman...Flash...I was in high school standing outside by the ROTC Department and my ex was giving me a hug...Flash...It was my high school graduation and I was walking across that stage...Flash..the first night I felt Khristian kick in my stomach and I started to cry because I realized that he was real...Flash...The day we took Khristian to Children's Hospital in Birmingham to get him tested for Cystic Fibrosis...Flash...Khristian turned 3 and Travis standing right there beside me and I knew he wasnt leaving...Flash...Travis telling me he loved me for the first time on our trip to the beach...Flash...My wedding day as my Grandmother gave me a kiss on the cheek...Flash...Khristian hugging me and telling me that he loved me and didnt hate me for not telling him sooner about his biological father sooner...Flash...Travis and I having our second child and it was a girl named Haley Grace...Flash...Khristian's graduation from college...Flash...My dad's funeral (As I type that one I am tearing up)...Flash...Not quite sure where this one was but it was a picture of Travis, myself, Khristian and Haley in front of some sort of beach...Flash... Kelli and I in New York City (yes we finally made it there according to my dream)...Flash...Christmas at my Uncles house but I felt sadness in this one because there was a sense of loss..maybe death..not quite certain...Flash..Travis and I..probably in our 70's...holding hands...sitting on our front porch...

As I put this last picture down...I felt tears sliding down my face...but a smile upon my face..You see in my dream I had Alzheimer's...and I looked at these pictures to remind myself of my life...to give myself a sense of who I was...

My Grandmother had Alzheimers disease before she died...and I woke up this morning with her on my mind...one of my greatest fears is I will get this disease and all my precious memories will be but a fog in my mind...I believe that is why I document everything I do in pictures...I want there to be a souvneir of sorts that says "I cared enough and I loved you enough to want to capture this moment and freeze it in time"...

Our life...our memories...is but a flash of polaroids...What I want to be certain of is that at the end of my life, I look back with pride over who I was...what I accomplished..and my legacy that I left behind...

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Happiness..

 Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Are you happy? Think about what I am asking you...Are you really and truly happy? Look within yourself...the person that you have become...your life..your friends...your family...I mean really ponder this question...and ask yourself...Are you happy??

According to Webster dictionary the word Happiness in defined as Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy...

As I sat on my back patio Sunday morning...drinking my coffee..reading my book and listening to Otis Redding on my Ipod...I was looking at the new privacy shrubs that Travis and I had planted in the yard...at the new Calalilies that I had planted beside my pond..at all my roses that are starting to bloom...I could feel the morning sun heat up my face...I couldnt help but to start thinking about my life..how far I have come...I soon had to start getting ready for church..where I sat in a pew with my husband, son, and mother and father in law (like we do every Sunday)...after church we went to Travis parents to eat Sunday lunch (again, like we do every Sunday)...We went home and we all changed out of our Sunday clothes...Again, I sat on my back patio only this time I watched Travis and Khristian play baseball in our backyard...A little while later, Khristian and I went over to my parents house where my step-mom and I sat on there back patio talking and watching my daddy teach Khristian how to drive the lawn mower...Where I got a text from one of my best friends and asked if Travis and I wanted to come over and grill out...The night ended with Travis and I laying on the couch together watching TV...The whole day from start to finish was nothing but perfection..

I tell you this because...well....I never thought I would have this kind of life. I know it sounds crazy..but there was a time there before I met Travis that I thought it was just going to be Me and Khristian...I mean, I dreamt about having my dream house, with my perfect little family sitting in my perfect backyard...sharing all this with my friends and family..but I never really thought I would have it..I just didnt think it was in the cards for me...Somewhere along the line, my dream became my reality...Back when I was younger, I am not quite sure what I really thought my life would be like..I guess I was just living it one day at a time..thats all I could really do...

There was alot of bumps along the way and there still is some winding roads that I have to weave through...Now I ask myself the same question that I asked at the beginning of this blog...Am I happy??

Yes...Happiness to me is hearing the sound of my son's laugh in the morning and him telling me he loves me...happines is my husband kissing me goodbye in the morning and snuggleing up next to my neck...its laughing in the gym with my best friend as we make complete idiots of ourselves...its drinking a cup of coffee with my parents and taking about our day...its laughing and holding my best friends daughter while we hang out and catch up...its watching my son and husband play together..Its knowing that I have a God in heaven that is willing to love me know matter what my faults are...

I am a very blessed and happy girl... :)

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"Self Image"

 Wednesday, March 2, 2011

"You can take no credit for beauty at sixteen. But if you are beautiful at sixty, it will be your soul's own doing." ~Marie Stopes



Stand in from of the mirror and look at yourself.. I mean really look at yourself...for a minute or 2...look into your eyes..the shape of your face..the curve of your smile...the shape of your body...down to your legs...and finally your feet. Let you eyes travel back up slowly taking in every curve..every shape...the tone of your skin..how defined your muscles are...ending right back where you started....Your eyes...

What did you see? I have a reason for asking...

I had a personal breakthrough this weekend..and it was very unexpected. I have been pondering on this all week trying to let the words come to me so I could write this just right..and this post might be a little all over the place..but I promise I have a point...

I have struggled my whole life trying to become the image in head that I wanted to be... As young women there is a pressure to look, act, and dress a certain way...The teenage years are horrible, and the pressure is sometimes unbearable. As I think back on it now and I look at pictures from myself back then...I was skinny as a rail...but I never thought I was thin enough. I never quite fit "the mold" of myself that I have in my head. As you grow older that image stays with you and you continue to aspire to be that one day...I have never particulary had good self esteem..and certainly never looked at myself in the mirror and thought good things about myself. It was always thoughts about my hips being to big..my nose being to long...I needed to lose more weight..and so on...

When I got married I felt a little overwhelmed...Travis and I didnt move in together until after we got married..I had always lived with my parents...and honestly, I was terrified at the thought of leaving their house. Bless his heart, Travis was wonderful...the night we came back from our honeymoon (early because I missed Khristian so much) was the night that it really hit me that I was now "married"..I cried myself to sleep..Travis rubbed my back and told me over and over that it was going to be alright...he was so sweet and so caring. The first couple months was a whirwind for me..I had always payed "my" bills and taken care of Khristian's things on my own or with the help of my parents...I not only had to adjust to becoming a "wife" but I had to adjust to it not being just me & Khristian..It was now Me, Khristian and Travis...

To cope.I started eating..stress eating I guess you could call it...Over the course of a year I had gained up to 230 lbs...It was a gradual weight gain..and with each pound grew more and more insecurity about my self..my self esteem was getting lower and lower...at one point, I hated getting up in the morning and looking in a mirror because I pure hated what I saw...I felt my body was disgusting..Travis told me over and over how beautiful I was..but here's the thing..until you believe it yourself..words are just words...

On Travis & I's anniversary in 2007, we when to Panama City Beach for the weekend...I needed a new swimsuit so we went into one of those little swimsuit shops on Thomas Drive( you know, the ones that only fit girls the size of my pinky)...there was not one single swimsuit in that whole store that fit me..I was horrified at myself! How could I have let myself get that big..gain that much weight?? I cryed the entire weekend...when we returned home...Travis did something that surprised me...he went to Troy, Health and Fitness...got a years membership to the gym...came home and told me "If you dont like it, change it"...He went to the the gym with me day in and day out..encouraging me, helping me, showing me..and just plain making me go when it felt like I wanted to give up...

Over the course of almost 2 years..I lost a total of 105 lbs. I made small goals and each one I smashed...I had this theory that when I got down to a size 12 that I would be happy with my appearance...I was wrong. So I went further...size 10...still not happy..so I got down to a size 7/8 (which is where I am at now)...and I have still not been happy. I work out everyday at the gym...sweat my butt off...push my muscles to the limit to get the look that I see in my head that I want to be...Where does it stop? Is there ever going to be a time that I can actually look at myself and be proud of my body??

Saturday, February 26, 2011...that day finally came. I ran my first 5k with 2 awesome girls...my time was great...31 minutes and 6 seconds. We were so excited after the race and of course, took pictures...My breakthrough came on the ride home (as Travis and Khristian were telling me how proud they were of me)..as I was looking at the pictures...It hit me like a ton of bricks...I didnt have one negative thing to say about myself..for once in my life, I was proud of the way my body looked!! I was proud of my lean looking legs, my toned arms and chest, the curve of my hips...I was proud of my hard work...

You see, I didnt understand that not only did the transformation have to take place on the outside..but it also had to take place on the inside. I had to believe that my body was beautiful..and until I did that...I was never going to match up to that image in my head...
No..I may not look like Brooklyn Decker on the cover of Women's Health...but that is ok
..I will never stop striving to make my body look leaner and toner...but I will no longer stare at myself in a mirror hating the way I look..hating that my body doesnt compare to others...I will no longer beat myself down for my minor imperfections...

I am proud of my body...Finally...


                                                     (This is the picture that changed it all)



                                               

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