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" 8 Months of Denial..."

 Thursday, March 24, 2011

"Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the butt...And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?”

Denial really is a funny thing...You see something, it's right there..staring you in the face...you can feel it, touch it, taste it..but yet in your mind..you dont want it to be real...You back up, turn away..walk away..shake your head and tell yourself...its not true..your eyes are playing tricks on you...you close your eyes, take a deep breath...and wish with all you heart that your mind is decieving you. Against all hope...when you open your eyes..the truth is still staring you in the face...Do you still choose to believe it...or...Do you choose to still live in denial?

People say there are moments that you know as soon as they happen.. that nothing in your life will ever be the same...Those people would be right. For instance, I knew the instant that little plus sign on that drug store pregnancy test popped up...that nothing would ever be the same in my life again. I shook my head and told myself it was a bad test...so I took another..and then another...3 different test..same ending result...

I slid to the floor and dissolved into tears...head in my hands...and whispered out loud "This isnt real"...This moment was unlike any I have ever had..due to the fact that normally my mind is so full of thoughts that I sometimes can't keep them straight...In this moment, only one thought entered my mind..."This isnt real"..I truly believe I was in shock...As I sat on the floor, I dont really think I thought that there was a possibility that I could be pregnant...It sounds cliche, but as a teenager you really have the mindset that those kinds of things just won't happen to you...Hindsight 20/20..I now realize how ridiculous that is..I felt like I was in a fog as I walked out of the building ..down the stairs and got in my best friends car..I used her phone to call my ex..I stepped out of her car..my hands shaking the whole time..I didnt have a clue as to what I was going to say to him..all I can do is tell myself to keep breathing...The phone rings 3 times before his dad picks up...Trying not to let my voice shake... I ask to speak to my ex..several agonizing minutes later I hear his voice on the other end of the line..my throat closes up..fresh tears forming under my eyelids..only taking a few seconds to start zigzaging slowly down my cheeks...my heart starts beating out of my chest..I literally feel like its going to beat right out of my chest...I start to feel panic bubble up in the pit of my stomach...and just when I think I can't do this I hear him say "Hello?"..I can't say anything..not that I dont want to..I physically can not speak...He repeat's himself.."Hello??"...I try again..this time after what seems like a eternity I find my voice from somewhere deep within myself..."Its Jess..." Silence..."Hello?"..he replies.."I'm here.." At this point, the tears are falling freely..and all I can manage to get out is "I'm pregnant..." I couldnt hold back my sobs any longer..they just came in waves...He said several things to me but all I could manage to hear was "Are you sure your pregnant?".."Yes.." I managed at which point he said we would simly talk the next day and hung up the phone...I stood there regain any shred of composure I had left in my body..I walked back to the car shaking and still in disbelief...I asked her to take me home...

I got home and walked inside..I don't really remember the next hour or so..I was kinda stunned still.. just going through the motions...took a shower, brushed my teeth...climbed into bed..I couldnt close my eyes so I stared at the ceiling...In the midst of the night when all was quiet..there was no sound but my own breathing..I was left alone with my thoughts...the truth was pressing down on my chest..causing me to feel like I couldnt breathe...I needed fresh air so I got up as quietly as I could and walked outside...I wish I could have left my thoughts in my bedroom but they followed me out...What seems so odd to me is that the night is so quiet all you can hear is the faint sound of crickets but your thoughts are so loud..You can't escape them...inside or outside..there deafening. I couldnt help but to pinch myself...this was a dream, right?...no, a nightmare...a mistake..I couldnt possibly be pregnant...I mean, this happened to other girls but not me, right?...right??...not me...no, this isnt happening..Not me...I kept repeating those words over and over and over..willing them to come true..This was not in my "perfect" future that had been planned out..I cried silently on our back porch..sitting on those cold cement stairs..arms wrapped around my legs..wishing I could go back a couple hours and the that cheap drug store pregnancy test would show me a negative sign...just a measly little negative sign..and my world could go right back to normal...

I now know this was the first stage of "Denial"...

I didn't sleep that night..I watched the sun come up and as much as I wanted to see the beauty in it..There was none...I scrubbed my face which was sore by now from my many hours of crying...I did the best patch job I could on my puffy, red eyes..and left for school...While I would like to say that during the night I prepared myself for what came next..sadly, I didnt...I honestly, truly, and whole heartedly did not know what was going to happen...I waited by the ROTC department in front of the school waiting for my ex to get there..I paced..I walked...and then I paced some more..finally I saw him come around the building and my panic level shot up at the instant sight of him..I wanted to be stronge..but in that moment I felt anything but stronge..It looked like sleep had packed up and left both of us..he looked stressed and a little paniced himself...he finally reached me...There was no hug...no Hello's...nothing..."How can you be sure?" he asked... I responded with a "I took 3 pregnancy tests and all of them pointed to me being pregnant"...I asked the only thing I knew to "What are we going to do?"...I got silence...I am pretty sure his insides was just as twisted and turned as mine were...We were kids...The biggest decition we had ever had to make was what we were doing the following weekend...He finally said "He needed to think.." first period bell rang...

(This next part is extremly emotional for me..and while I am fine opening up 95% of my life to you all..there is still that 5% that has to remain private...so this next part will be brief with not as much in detail information )

I was basically given a ultimatium...I had 2 choices...1.) Get a abortion...or...2.) if I choose to keep the child then he made it quite clear he wanted nothing to do with either of us...I literally could not believe my ears..Out of everything I thought he might say this never crossed my mind..Never..To say I was stunned is an understatement..dumbfounded...floored..shocked...in less that 24 hours my life was in complete choas...What happened to our future that we had planned..college..marriage...living happily ever after?? Where was my fairy tale? 4 years of my life..4 years of my life I gave him..loved him..believed him..and this is what I get..a ultimatum?! If I am going to be honest with you and myself..abortion did cross my mind for a mere moment..just a moment...before it vanished. I mean, come on...your 17, no job, not even out of high school, no drivers licence much less a car, no money, my boyfriend of 4 years just gave me a ultimatium..I had nothing...and your telling me there is way out of this?? I had always said that thought would never cross my mind..but at that moment I learned a valuble lesson... until you have actaually walked in those shoes you "honestly" dont know what you would do...I knew I could never live with myself if I followed through with a abortion..I didnt know a whole lot at that moment..but I was certain of that...I wish I could say there was a clear defining moment that I made my choice..but there wasnt...As I walked up to him later in the day...I still didnt have a clue as to what I was going to say..my mouth was dry..my heart was racing...I wanted to cry but that wasnt a option...Our eyes met..."I'm not getting a abortion.." the words came out before I had a chance to think about it..I didn't know what I was going to do..but I knew in my heart that abortion wasnt the way..it seemed to easy...wrong...Our eyes stayed locked almost in a stare off and finally he responded..."Ok.." and he turned and walked away...

That rest of that day went by in a fog...I dont remember the classes..the ride home..I was numb..but I do remember the feeling...terrified..so very terrified ..."Oh God, how could I have been so stupid..so nieve??"  I felt worthless...useless..I felt abandoned...he was supposed to love me..he was supposed to care...4 years...and he was gone...If he could leave...couldnt everyone else? Everyone that had said they cared...everyone that said they loved me...could they abandon me to?? The one person that said he would never leave did just that...he left..wiped his hands clean..and was done...never looking back...He made it seem so easy..Was I that useless to him that he could just walk away with such ease...What am I supposed to do?? The thoughts were so loud in my head..they just kept coming...one right after another..question after question...with each question..my fear grew..the panic was getting larger..and I simply couldnt get a grip on reality.."Breathe Jessica"..I told myself.. "just breathe...."

I never said to myself  "I am going to hide this pregnancy"..it just kinda happened..as crazy as this sounds..I thought that if I wished it away long enough that it would happen..."Poof"...and it would disappear...like it does in the Disney movies...I would wake up and this growing baby that was taking over my body would be gone...I was now in full blown "Denial"...I started lying to cover up things...I am ashamed of the lies I told and I regret each one of them..but I couldnt take the chance of everyone I cared about leaving me...I had a so-so relationship with my Mom..and my relationship with my dad was so so as well considering I only saw him every other weekend..my brother and sister...well..lets just say James was involved with his own things..and Wendy was pregnant at the same time I was...Again, lets all be honest here..Did your parents truly know you when you were 17..I mean really know who you were? Mine didnt...I only let them see what I wanted them to see...its easy to fool people when there not really looking...I didnt feel like I could go to any of them and really sit down and talk..I mean really talk...I couldnt help but to feel like I was a huge disappointment...this is about the time that my depression really started...I grew silent from everyone I cared about...I hide..and I will admit something here that I have never said out loud..ending my life briefly crossed my mind...It was another way out..

I dont know exactly how far I was along at this point..Im thinking around 3 months due to the fact that I had mild morning sickness..I was starting to gain a little weight which I hid under bigger clothes...The months started to pass...one month..two months..three months...it was getting harder and harder to hide the growing belly..I was silent..growing more and more withdrawn...more depressed by the day...and still no one knew I was pregnant...This secret was weighing heavy on me...it was eating me alive...I wanted to tell someone so bad...I opened my mouth several times to try..but the words just wouldnt come out..no matter how hard I tried to make them....the words just wouldnt form...My sister was pregnant at the same time I was...every doctors appointment she went to I found myself becoming more and more bitter...every phone call she made telling me that she heard the heartbeat...every baby shower I went to...Every fake smile I had to put on..I was jealous..I was angry...I was hurt..I was so incredibly hurt...Its not my sister's fault...She was being a normal, happy, mother to be...Something that I wanted so badly...I had no one there to hold my hand and tell me it was going to be alright...I had no one there to take me to the doctor and hold my hand as we heard the heartbeat of our child...I had no one there to sooth my fears of inadequacy..no one to kiss my forehead and tell me they loved me...the person that was supposed to do all that...walked out the door...and never glanced back....


To be continued....

2 comments:

Jen March 24, 2011 at 5:09 PM  

Love, I could not even imagine what you went through all those months--needing all the things you couldn't get out of fear, shame, etc. Just reading your words left my heart pounding; remembering the things that I would think as a teen. I know it's hard to finally open up about all this, but the truth is--maybe your words can help another teen...another parent take more notice. (Not to blame any parents, you know what I mean though). I definitely sense some healing on your part, especially now that you can look back and see that despite the hardships you had to endure being a pregnant teen and a teen mother; you see that your world may've changed but only for the better in the long run. I always look at life's decisions and ask myself "On my death bed, what will I think of?" If that decision won't be a part of the answer, I know it's small stuff. Part of your answer will be "I had an amazing baby boy, who grew to be an amazing son."

ILY!

Jessica March 25, 2011 at 1:51 PM  

Thank you so much Jen..I am astounded at the amount of support I am getting from my friends and family..I am humbled..Thanks you! :)

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