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"Wishing upon a Star... "

 Friday, June 24, 2011

" Star light...Star bright..the first star I see tonight..I wish I may..I wish I might..to have this wish I wish tonight..."
 

Have you ever had a memory jump out at you..just out of the blue...that happened to me this morning at about 3:30 AM when I woke up..


When I was a little girl I would stand outside at night..with my eyes trained up at the sky searching and looking...looking and searching..hoping to spot the first star...my little eyes would scan the sky for what seemed like hours trying to find it...I would walk the yard almost calling it like you would call a dog.."Come out, Come out littel star..." As soon as I caught sight of it I would feel my heart skip a beat in excitement..I would stand still as a board and I would say outloud "Star light..Star bright...first star I see tonight..." I would squeeze my eyes shut so tightly..silently in my mind I would say my wish...believing that if wished hard enough..and I believed hard enough...that it would come true...


I cannot remember how old I was but I am thinking around 7... I believe it is the Christmas before my parents got divorced and we were still living in that old wooden house in Highland Home..the house was all decorated...Momma had always been one to put lights all around the windows..garland framed the door frames..our stockings were hung...and the Christmas tree was gorgeous...and best of all, there were presents up underneath it..I watched all the regular Christmas movies...Rudolph..Frosty..Jack Frost..and my personal favorite, The night before Christmas...In each one of these movies there was one thing that you always saw...SNOW...my little eyes had never seen "real" snow before...but I wanted to oh so bad...Everyday when the sun would go down..and I knew it was time for the stars to come out of hiding... I would walk outside on our front porch with a mission..to find that first star...and everynight I would make the same wish..."Please, Please, Please...let it snow!"  I just knew that my wish was going to come true..I had been consistent..I had tryed to be good and help around the house..I wasnt mean to my brother and sister...I said "Yes'mam and yes'sir" to my parents...I even tryed to keep my toys out the yard...oh yes, I just knew my wish was going to come true..I was going to see snow for the first time in my whole life...


Christmas day arrived...I jumped up and looked out the window...no snow...slightly disappointed, but I wasn't ready to give up..We all gathered in the living room to give presents out..for some reason I can't remember any toys that I got (although I am sure I got a good bit) but I do remember my brother, sister, and I all got Alabama Electric blankets...Afterall, we did live in a older house..we had gasoline heaters through out the house and a wood burning heater in the living room..needless to say, it got cold at night and a electric blanket was the golden ticket..through out the morning, I continued to look out the window..still not snow..but I still had not given up faith...


I was sitting in the living room floor..coloring...when I heard it.. the yelling...it was my parents...they had been fighting more and more here lately...all I wanted was for this to be a happy day... with no fighting...I wanted then to get along the way they used to...I can remember feeling extremly sad because it was Christmas day...and there was yelling...there wasnt supposed to be yelling and fighting on Christmas...I got up and went to the window..no snow..I had waited all day..and yet nothing...Why? I had kept up my end of the deal...I had done everything I said I would..and yet... I got no snow and my parents were fighting...It was at this point that large crocodile tears started to fall from my little eyes...I had wished every single night without fail..and I had believed that with all my heart that my wish was going to come true...I stayed right there at that window..wishing..and wishing hard..."Please..let it snow..Please let it snow...Please please please...let it snow.."

Still nothing...


It was getting later in the day...the sun was going down beneath the trees..the temperature was dropping...Christmas day was coming to a close...I had all but given up...I had come to conclusion that wishing on a star didnt work..and that none of my wishes were ever going to come true..I had truly lost faith...I felt something tug on my heart...almost saying.."Not yet...don't give up just yet"...

I got up off the floor..walked to the window one last and final time...


I closed my eyes...preparing myself for the disappointment....but when I opened my eyes..there it was...SNOW!...It was snowing...I truly thought my eyes were playing tricks on me..so I closed my eyes for a count of 3 and opened them..Nope..still there...white tiny flakes were falling from the sky...not everywhere...just in one little spot...My wish had come true..finally...I couldnt believe it..I stood there at that window and stared out in awe..I didnt even want to move because I was scared if I turned my back or blinked for a second..It would be gone...I think I even held my breath because I was standing so close to the window and I didnt want it to fog up...It only lasted about 5 minutes...but that was all it took..My faith on wishing upon a star had been renewed...


That was the last Christmas that we spent as a family..my parents got a divorce not very long after that..and my world changed..


That memory sticks out in my head for so many reasons...I think that snow was God's way of telling me..."Don't give up just yet...hang on to your faith..and always believe...I may not do things in your time..but I do it in mine..and I will never leave you..." Many times in our life we think that God does not hear our prayers..or wishes in my case..we get frustrated because we as human beings tend to be impatient..we have become a society that is "now" based..We want everything now...To be quite honest, we have become spoiled...We are so used to having things at our fingertips..and when things don't happen our way..we get frustrated...upset...and we lose faith...


God Said.. "Because you have so little faith... I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move... Nothing will be impossible for you... " Matthew 17:20


I have learned here lately..that I must never lose sight of my faith...and I guess that's why I woke up at 3 AM with this memory..God was reminding me of a little girl that had lost her faith...and he renewed her... =)









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"Imitation is a form of flattery.."

 Thursday, June 9, 2011

"One night a father overheard his son pray..Dear God, Make me the kind of man my Daddy is.
Later that night, the Father prayed...Dear God, Make me the kind of man my son wants me to be.."

If you will follow along with me..there is a point at the end of this story..I promise... :)

As Travis and I arrived at church on Sunday morning and Khristian (who stayed with Travis parents on Saturday night ) ran outside to meet us...I noticed he was running a little slow and wobbly...As I looked down to his feet I saw that he was wearing a pair of old cowboy boots..For anyone that knows my son you know he isnt really the cowboy boot and jeans type...he is more of the Sperry (with no socks) and Guy Harvey type...now, these boots I'm guessing that these cowboy boots were 3 sizes to big for him but he didnt seem to care...he was wearing them and he was proud as we could tell from the big grin on his face...he said "Mom..look at what I'm wearing!" as he picked up the oversized boot and held it up for me to see...I shook my head..laughing a bit figureing he was being silly..and asked "Khristian..why in the world do you have those on?"...he replied.."Cause I want to..."...which seemed like a good enough answer to me so we continued on into church as a family...found "our" regular pew and sat down not giving the boots a second thought...

As the music played, we sang those old southern gospel hyms that I love so much....Khristian was not sitting beside me...he was up in front of the church with his "Tadpaw" (Travis dad) helping direct the choir and give the morning announcements...he does this every Sunday and Tadpaw puts his arm around him and ruffles his hair...he doesnt really "do" anything while he is up there..he doesnt even really sing unless he knows the song by heart...he just wants to be up there standing beside his grandfather...Who by the way...was also in cowboy boots and jeans...

After the music faded...the offering was took...Khristian came to finally sit down...he couldnt seem to get situated and it took me a second to realize what he was doing..Finally, he looked up at me..with his leg resting on his knee (the way most guys sit)...and smiled and said "Daddy..look...I'm starting to sit just like you now!"...He was imitating Travis..and what he was doing..right down to the way he had his arms crossed...It was funny but heartwarming all at the same time...I turned to look at Travis...who had the slightest little smile on his face...He has been doing this more and more here lately...imitating the things that Travis is doing...things that he say's...and I overhear him telling people "Well..my daddy does it this way!"

Church let out and we preceeded to get our bellys full of my Mother in Laws fantastic food (Chocolate chip cookies..YUM)...it was decieded that Khristian was going to stay another night with them so that he could ride horses (which would have made me a little nervous except it was a little pony) with some close family friends that lived right next door....Khristian all the sudden got a little worried and told me to make sure to call his PawPaw (my daddy) and tell him that he would not be coming to his house on Monday to go running/walking with him...This was extremly important to him...He said "Mom...You HAVE to call PawPaw and tell him I won't be there..cause he said that if your not going to do something your supposed to..then you need to tell someone so they will know and they won't be waiting on you!" You see, PawPaw has been working on making Khristian follow the guidelines of "Respect"..and it seems to be working..

In one day I got to see how the three most important men in my son's life are influencing him...He is striving to be like each one of them...and it makes me smile..In this day and age there are so many things and people that can influence our children..that is almost scary to send them out into the world..because we don't know what they will come back home with embedded in their mind..but I am at happy knowing that my son is looking up to these wonderful men..They may not realize it but they are shaping the kind of man that he is going to be one day..

I know that ultimatly Khristian will be his own person..with his own personality..and his traits that make him unique...but I hope and pray that as time goes on..that he will always carry a part of each man along with him and each one shines through... =)

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"Is there a right or a wrong way to Pray?"

 Wednesday, June 8, 2011

"Do not be anxious about anything...but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God... And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus..."

Have you ever thought....Is it best to pray standing up...sitting down...kneeling...or bowing down? Should our hands be open, closed, or lifted up to God? Do our eyes need to be closed when we pray? Should we pray in the morning when we get up or at night before we go to bed? Are there certain words we need to say in our prayers? How do we begin our prayers? What is the proper way to close a prayer...What is the proper way to pray? Do any of the above things even matter???

This is something that I have been pondering on for a while...many of us (myself included) feel almost uncomfortable praying out loud due to the fact that we are scared we are going to sound silly or incompetent..that we might freeze up..not say the right words...pray in a different way than someone else thinks we should..so instead we politely decline..and let the person next to us say the prayer out loud..Why do we do this??  The closest the Bible comes to giving a “pattern” for prayer is the Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6:9-13..Now understand that the Lord’s Prayer is not a prayer we are supposed to memorize and recite to God... It is simply a example of the things that should go into a prayer...worship..trust in God,...requests..confession..and submission...We are to pray for the things that the Lord’s Prayer talks about, using our own words and “customizing” it...

I am not judging anyone here..and I am not saying it is wrong..and I know that everyone has their own way of doing or saying things..but this is a place that I can state my opinion so..sometimes as I sit and listen to random people pray..I often wonder if all the big words and fancy way of saying things are more for show than actual heartfelt prayers...It just seems to thought out to me...When I pray..normally in the morning on the way to work or at night while I am laying in bed...there is no "Dear God"..or "Heavenly Father I come to you in prayer"...there is simply..."Hey God..it's me..." Sometimes I even have to catch myself from saying "How are you?" I talk to him like I am talking to my best friend...After all, he is my best friend...there are no fancy words...no "pattern" per say...I pour my heart out to him..everything I am thinking..everything I am feeling...Everything that I have layed on my heart for that day...I ask for him to wrap his arms around the ones that have special needs..even though I don't know what they are..he does...I thank him for the opportunity to wake up and enjoy another day..to see my child and hug him..I thank him for his unending love..thank him for my family and friends...thank him for this life he has provided...

Just the other day, Khristian and I were praying in the car...and I asked him if he wanted to say the prayer...with a smile he said "Yes, mam"...so as I drove in the front and listened to my 9 year old son pray in the backseat..I couldnt help but to smile at his innocence...he prayed for his pawpaw...he prayed for me and his daddy..for his friends...he prayed for the rain to stay away so he could swim (Bless his heart..he doesnt know we are in a drought)...and he ended by saying.."God Bless everybody...Amen.." I remember thinking that's how prayer should be...straight from the heart..Khristian then took me by surprise and asked if that sounded ok...I told him of course it did...that when he prayed to God he could say anything that was on his heart...anything that he wanted to talk to God about..and there was no right or wrong way...

I can't help but to think of the verse in Matthew that says:

"And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, "Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven..."

To be perfectly honest, I don't think there is a "wrong" way to pray...or even a "proper" way to pray...Praying  is expressing our hearts to God... Sitting, standing, or kneeling; hands open or closed; eyes opened or closed; in a church, at home, or outside; in the morning or at night...these are all just side issues... God’s desire is for prayer to be a real and personal connection between Himself and us...

So maybe next time I am at church and I am asked to pray out loud...You might just hear me say..."Hey God..It's me..."

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"8 Months of Denial..." (Part 2)

 Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Before I start I would like to say that it has taken me a while to get back to this post...I have been working on this for some time now and its still now completed but this will be a continuation of the post I started called " 8 Months of Denial"...It's been pretty difficult to revisit these memories but I feel like I have healed my heart a tiny little bit...I will give you a moment to go back and refresh your memory...Click here to read part 1...http://jessiceandrewsjones.blogspot.com/2011/03/8-months-of-denial.html...




Now that your caught up..Here we go...


Denial has settled in and made his self perfectly at home inside my head...I can feel the baby moving...I can feel he or she kicking me...I can feel it all...right beneath my heart..estimating I am about 5..maybe 6 months by now...but yet, I still didn't want to believe it was real...that this growing baby inside me was real...I didn't want my life to change..Why couldn't everything just go back to normal?? I seemed to be asking myself that question over and over...funny thing is, you continue to ask a question that you have no answer to...hoping for the answer...but all it does is linger in the air around you...

Waking up every morning..going about my daily routine...going to school everyday...this was pure torture...trying to act normal...I felt so unbelieveably lost...How could I act normal..I wanted to curl up in a ball in some hole and wish this all away...I was still hiding my growing belly..walking dow the halls of my high school...among all of my peers that I had known just about my whole life..but yet...I felt that I couldn't trust not a single one of them..over 300 people and my graduating class...and I told not one single soul...not even my closest friends...I didn't want them to abandon me to...What would they think of me?? Would they take his side?? Would I get those disapproving stares?? These thoughts were so loud..I felt like my head was going to split open at any second and all my secrets would be displayed for the world to see...sitting in class trying so hard to concentrate on the math problem right in front of me..or the History test that I had to take next block...none of that seemed important anymore..I became a recluse...how desperate I was for things to go back to the way it used to be..I prayed and I begged God..I pleaded with him night after night...I made deals with him...If he would just let my life go back to normal I would go to church more...I would read my bible every day..Just please take away all the pain...alll the betrayal...all the confusion...take it all...

I barely made it through those last few months of high school...I cryed every single night..I pure sobbed till my eyes were so swollen that it looked like I had been punched in both eyes..barely slept..barely ate...at this point, I was barely functioning..I was keeping up a double life and it was exhausting..I just couldn't let anyone know what was really going on inside of me..inside my head...inside my heart...on the outside, I was what appeared to be a normal teenager that had minimal worries..but on the inside I was a utter mess...a prisoner in my own body...I cringed every time I had to speak to someone...every time I had to wake up knowing that this was now my reality..not just some nightmare that I was going to wake up from...I hadn't talked to my ex since we had our talk...I had picked up the phone on more than one occation to call him...but after listening to the dial tone for so long that the recording comes on that says "If you would like to make a call please hang up and try again"... I always layed the recieve back in the cradle without ever having pressed one number...On one specific day I remember walking across campus next to the 600 hall..I crossed paths with my Ex...with his new girlfriend...in "our" spot...my stomach twisted in ways that I never thought was possible..It literally felt like someone had grabbed the sharpest knife possible and rammed it into me...I sprinted behind the football field and proceeded throw up everything that I had possibly eaten in days...which wasn't much..and then continued to dry heaved for what seemed like hours..my eyes burned with tears..but they wouldn't fall...not a single one...I didn't understand why...I had cryed for months on end..so why not now? I cleaned myself up as best I could...and quickly walked to my next class... It was at this point that the anger started...with every step I took I felt it grow...the depression  and denial was still there..but anger saddled up right next to them..and they made a unbreakable threesome...


I became angry at the fact that his life seemingly hadn't changed a bit..he still got to laugh...walk around without a care in the world...that's the way I saw it...I was angry that he got to hurt me and then continue to live his life..and all the while..I felt like mine was crashing at my feet...My thoughts turned angry..I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs...."Why?? Why did he get to go on like nothing happened?? Someone tell me how this is right?? Please...just please..I am begging you...tell me..explain it to me...because I don't understand"...He told me forever...he said those words...forever....but he didn't mean it...he promised we would have our fairy tale..Promised...but he was no knight and I was no princess...he broke that promise...and every promise he ever made...

I am not saying that I was faultless in this whole situation..and there are plenty of things that I could have done differently...but he got to run..he made his choice...and he seemed perfectly happy and content with it...


Anger....

Oh yes...Anger can be dangerous...He is just as bad as depression...while depression makes you heavy and fills your thoughts with hopelessness...anger gives you drive...but that drive comes from a dark place within yourself that you never knew existed..it can consume your every thought...your every move...it gives you something to focus all your negative energy into and direct it at everyone around you...It will devour you if you let it...I was becoming someone I didn't like...I felt betrayed on the highest level possible...I wanted the people around me to hurt as bad as I did..so now I had become a quiet..bitter..angry..depressed...and very lost girl...


Graduation came and went...I walked across the stage...received that piece of paper that says I completed 12 years of my life...that one chapter in my life was closing and another was beginning..this was supposed to be a exciting time in my life..I had dreamed about this moment...but all I could think of was I am one day closer to having a baby...My family was all there...I thought now is the time..I can tell everyone and get it over with...I was standing there in my cap and gown...when my sister came over and handed me my newborn baby niece to hold...I held her and patted her back..I stared at her for a moment...and I remember thinking..I can do this...I will do this...deep breath..heart pounding...Here it comes...I opened my mouth to say the words I feared most...but then my dad wrapped me in a hug and said how proud he was of me...that sweet embrace broke me...then my mom...then my brothers..then my sister...and I just couldn't...I couldn't say the words...they felt like poison in my mouth...I couldn't break my parents hearts... They were both proud of me...how could I make them proud and then disappoint them all in one day?? My mouth closed without a word..the chance gone...I honestly think that is one of the things I feared most...disappointing my parents...disappointing the people around me that believed in me...they had such high hopes for me...so did I..My first semester of college was already paid for by my step-dad's construction company...Everything was planned out for me... I was not only disappointing them..I was disappointing myself...I felt that I had let this happen...I knew better... it was my fault..silence once again wrapped it's fingers around my vocal cords and wouldn't let go...


Day after day passed..month after month...I was in a fog..I was simply existing...then one day that I remember quite vividly came...

You see, I had told so many lies by this time to keep my secret buried..that I lost track and they were now catching up to me...Lies are a tricky thing...once you start telling them...they can't stop..you have to tell another lie to cover up your original lie..and so on...until you have wove a web of deceit...the web gets sticky...you get all tangled in them...you get confused by your own lies...you spin around and around in circles trying to find the beginning and the end but then... you fall flat on your face and the whole thing falls down around you...that's exactly what happened with me...It was getting harder to remember what lie I had told to what person..It literally felt like I was drowning...I was drowning in my thoughts..the lies...the deceit..the anger...the depression...the denial..It was all sucking the life right out of my body...I didn't know how much more I could take...


It was summer and I was at my dad's because I could not stand the thought of staying in Ozark any longer than I had to...I wanted to get as far away from that dreadful place as I could...after all, that is where "he" was...my mother caught on to one of my many lies and called my dad and step-mom..she suspected I was pregnant...At last...Here was my chance...I could tell the truth..I could finally be set free of this secret that was killing me...I can't tell you why I denied it when I was asked...but I did...I wanted to tell ..but yet...If I said it out loud then that meant it was real...I didn't want it to be real...She asked my step-mom to buy and make me take a pregnancy test...to stand outside the door and make sure that I took it..so as to avoid another one of my lies....I had to think fast...I was given a cup and told to go in the bathroom...I put the little stick in the cup and scooped up some of the water from the toilet and preceded to go to the bathroom thinking I was missing the cup..on purpose mind you...but somehow some leaked into the cup and when we pulled the stick out..there was that little plus sign again..that plus sign that seemed to be laughing at me as if to say.."You thought I went away, didn't you?" ..I felt that icy stab of fear in the pit of my stomach..it traveled up my spine into to my chest...my breathing became rapid...my chest tightened up...I couldn't breathe..anxiety was closing in on me...all I could do was deny..deny deny deny... "It's a bad test"...the tears once again burned my eyes but I held them back...She said "Ok..calm down..we will get another one..." but I could see the seeds of doubt in her eyes...this time I was more careful...I put the little stick in the cup...and 2 minutes later..out came a negative...another lie...the web was somewhat still intact...


I know what your thinking..."Why didn't she just tell someone?"...She had the chance...the opportunity was right there...all she had to do was take the pregnancy test and let the truth come out...and I would have to tell you that you are exactly  right...that's all I had to do...but things are not always so black and white...I was young...and I was very, very naive...When your faced with the truth..sometimes you tend to back away from it..as if it will burn you...because when you actually face it then you have to accept that it's real...you would rather live in your fantasy world than to deal with whats in front of you..so you continue to live in denial...which is what I did...for 8 months...eight long months...


It is now June of 2001...unknowingly I am at about 8 months pregnant....only gained a total of 15 pounds..still wearing a size 7 in shorts...a small baby bump had formed...not  big but it is noticeable...Im wearing over sized clothes...I won't let anyone touch me...wouldn't even allow anyone to hug me...I wanted to keep everyone as far away from me as possible...I learned to put my hands in the bottom of my shirt and pull it out so that my stomach wouldn't show...I had become someone that I didn't even recognize in the mirror...the transformation was astounding...Yes the nose was the same...the cheeks were the same..the smile was the same...the eyes were the same...but if you looked deep..I mean really deep into my eyes...I was broken on the inside...




To be continued...

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