My Sweet Bailey...

“It's a little girl, with scrunched-up petal lips and a tuft of dark hair and hands in tiny fits, up by her ears... All that time, that's who was in there.... And it's weird, but the minute I saw her I just thought...I already know you.."

My Sweet Bailey...

Here I am looking at your beautiful face – My beautiful girl.... It is a face so unique, yet so familiar... I knew this face instantly when I first looked at you... as if I have always known you....I have always wondered what love at first sight felt like...and now I know...

I can spend endless amounts of time just looking at you... I hold you in my arms and stare at your perfect little features. I can do this all day long if time permitted.... It gives me a thrill to see you open your eyes (which are now a beautiful crystal blue) and look at me... You study my face as if you are trying to get to know me...We sit and stare into each others eyes often and I feel like we are having our very own conversation without the words...I can see so clearly the words in your eyes...I can see the love...you are only 4 months old but I think we as human beings are born with a natural instinct to love what nurtures us....

I watch you as you make an assortment of facial expressions...you pout your lips, you smile (Alot), when you are concentrating you crease your brow, there are times when you look exactly like your daddy...the older you get I can see more and more of me in you....and your laugh....your laugh can make my worst day my best...you get so excited over the slightest little thing...you ball your little fists up and you bring them close to your face and let out the most vibrant giggle...I can not even begin to explain the feeling I get when I hear that sound...you are starting to understand what your hands are for and you are learning to grab stuff...and you give the best slobbery kisses... I often wondered how I could have enough room in my heart to love anyone like I love your brother...but now I understand...I have a love for you that is all your own...I love you both equally but it is very different in many ways...

You enjoy your swing, in which you rock back and forth as sounds of music entertain and/or lull you to sleep... I love to watch you in your daddy’s arms as you watch football with him (this makes him over the moon)...or when he gets his guitar out and sings to you...you seem to study him as if you know he is singing solely to you...If we want to get a instant smile out of you all we have to do is sing "The itsy bitsy spider" or "You are my Sunshine"...I personally think you are going to be our little songbird...I have always loved music but lacked the talent to make it...I am hoping you got my love of music and your daddys talent. You have a host of family that adore your every move...Your Pawpaw and mawmaw count down the minutes until I bring you in the mornings...and your tadmaw and tadpaw look forward to Sunday mornings at church and lunch so they can kiss your sweet face...and I promise you that you won't find another little boy that loves you like your older brother....since the day you were born he has been by your side....waited up all night waiting on your arrival...I will never forget his face the first time he held you...he loves to make you laugh and smile...he cant wait to wake you up in the mornings (Althoug,h he hates to take out your dirty diapers)..he has a fierce protectiveness of you already...I know there is a huge age gap between the two of you...there will be times when you will get on his nerves and vice versa...but I pray that you two always have a relationship...and make a point to be involved in one anothers life...As a mom, it is my responsibility to make sure this happens as often as possible...but I hope that one day it becomes like a second nature for you and him to be involved...to be close with one another...Everyone should have a sibling as a best friend...

For  8  months, I  prepared for your arrival. It was a time of excitement and a few challenges.... Early on in the pregnancy, I had many complications...and at one point we did not think we would ever get to see your beautiful face....but we overcome every obstacle that was placed in our way by God's grace...From then on, I considered you strong...it is because of this that I know God has big plans for you my sweet girl...there is a big world out there that you are going to take by storm one day...There is so much I want to tell you...to teach you...but in the same breath I am ready to learn from you...

I am so thankful for you. I look forward to the journey that you, your daddy, Khristian and I  will travel together.... We have so much to look forward to, so many milestones to accomplish, and memories to make.... Along the way, I will cherish each moment as I know time will pass much too quickly....

Unitl your next letter my sweet girl...Mommy loves you to the moon and back... =)

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"Perseverant..."

"Don't ever give up....Don't ever give in....Don't ever stop trying....Don't ever sell out....and if you find yourself succumbing to one of the above for a brief moment...pick yourself up, brush yourself off, whisper a prayer, and start where you left off...But never, ever, ever give up.” 

Small towns...got to love them...where half the town is at some form of a football game on a Friday night...you go out to lunch and before you can even sit down to order your food, you have said hello to half the restaurant because you know them by name...kids grow up with the same group of friends they knew back in pre-school....In many ways, I love being from and living in a small town...and I love raising my children in a small town...you have that closeness...that bond...and it will always feel like home to you no matter where you might end up...but alas, where there is good there will always be some bad...Come on, you all know what I am talking about...you can't have a small town without having "Small town politics" as they say...Sad, but all towns have it...including little ole' Troy, Alabama...

Anyone who know's anything about Khristian will tell you that football is that boy's passion...he likes baseball...he liked karate (which is why he is a 1st degree blackbelt..yes, brag moment)...he liked guitar lessons...but football...Football is where he shines.. all of that other is just to fill his time until football season rolls around and he can put those pads on... run out onto that field..and yes...hit someone...I remember vividly his first football game when he was 7 years old and he got his first tackle...he came flying off the field and his first words to me were "Momma, this is what I was meant to do!"... before baseball season is over every year he and his daddy are already outside going through drills...lifting weights...football camps in Tuscaloosa with Nick Saban..flipping and pulling a 200 lbs tire...and even the occational, pushing of the lawnmower across the yard...needless to say, we take football training serious in our house...and Khristian loves every second of it...and I am sure Travis doesnt mind it either... =)

Travis has helped coach every single year...baseball and football...but with this being Khristian's last year on the Rec. Center football team before he moves up to play for the middle school next year...Travis decieded this was the year for him to sit in the stands (in reality,  pace back and forth on the sidelines) so Khristian could get a feel for being out there by himself without him...Khristian knows what to do...he knows the game...he knows his position like the back of his hand...but he lacks the confidence in his decitions...he has always looked to Travis for that reassurance that he was doing the right thing...he has got to learn how to do it on his own this year...so this is the purpose of Travis sitting this coaching year out...

This is where the small town politics comes in to play...Khristian has never had to deal with it before...I knew that eventually he would have to but I was hoping it wouldnt be this year...but alas, the first football practice came...I watched as my super excited 11 year old walked out the door to go to the first practice of the season and waited in anticipation for him to walk through the front door and tell me every detail about practice as he has done in previous years...Instead, I got a very frustrated husband and even more frustrated son...Apparently, there are some kids that joined the team that has never played football in previous years (aside from in there backyard) and were "given" starter positions...not "earned"...but given...and it's sad to say..but it's because of who they are...one being the coaches child....you have probably heard this type of thing referred to as "Daddy Ball"..Khristian was not given much of a chance to really show the coaches what he could do...nor was over half the team...and was put on second string...As the wife of someone who has been head coach, I can tell you first hand that Travis was always harder on Khristian than anyone else...he has never "given" him a position that he did not earn first...and even when he was not doing his absolute best..Travis would pull him from that position until he decieded to give it his all...he has always made Khristian work for whatever spot he was put it....not saying he was the perfect coach but he did try to be fair...

Khristian was hopeful that he would eventually get a chance to show the coaches what he could really  do...but practice after practice he came home with the same frustrated story...not to mention how upsetting this was to Travis...he has worked with Khristian day in and day out to help him accomplish his goal...to be the best...and seeing his son getting pushed to the sidelines..needless to say, he was beyond aggitated...He had said that he was going to keep quiet until after the opening jamboree game just to see if anything would change...after that, he was going to have a little chat with the head coaches...not just for Khristian but for all the boys that were being treated unfairly...Jamboree day came ...after a rocky start to the morning we finally arrived on base at Fort Rucker ready to play...the game started a hour late due to the game before us running long but it finally came time for our TROY Trojans to hit the field...we got a lucky pass and ended up scoring first but the game took a turn when the other team had the ball...you see, our coaches had "told" the boys what to do and gone through drills in practice...but never once during practice did the team have any contact drills...no tackling drills...no blocking drills...nothing..so half the boys did not know how to stop the man in from of him because he had not been taught how to...and here was Khristian....standing on the sidelines...itching to get in...itching to get his hands on someone and block...hit...do something other than just stand there and watch...

I cannot express to you how much it hurt my heart to see this ..knowing how much he deserved to play...I will go ahead and stop here and say that I am not just a mother bragging on her son...Khristian is not the best on the team...there are boys that are better than him  .. he has a lot of work to do on his speed and agility...but when you have 3 other parents come over to you and ask why Khristian is standing on the sidelines when he should be out on the field...you know your boy has some talent...

We lost needless to say, by 2 points because we caught another lucky pass...but was more upsetting was the fact that we played 4 quarters...12 minutes a piece and over half over the boy's on our team did not get to play at all...At least Khristian did get to play in the 2nd half only to get taken out halfway through through...Travis was highly upset and had made a vow that he was going to speak with the coaches and basically "call them out" on the favoritism of some of the players...he knew that things were not going to change but he felt that if he said his piece then he would feel better...on the way home, he told Khristian not to get discouraged by this..that we were proud of him and to keep working hard....

What happened next completly took me by surprise...we got home and I told Khristian to get a shower and just relax because it had been a very long day....next thing I know he is walking past me in workout clothes and his football cleats...When asked what he was doing he said he didnt feel as though he did enough today....so my persistant 11 year old went outside and flipped the 200 lb tire that we have in our backyard...back and forth...then went on to pull the same tire across the yard...back and forth...and then finished it off with some sprints...he came inside with sweat pouring down his face and dirt sticking to his legs and stated matter of factly "I am going to show them why I should be on first string!"

I could not have been more proud of him that I was at that exact moment...he was taking a negative situation and letting it feed him...he refused to let "small town politics" get in his way... he was pushing himself harder...we didnt have to because he had that fire within himself...he was digging deep and refused to settle...he was determined....at the next practice he asked Travis not to speak with the coaches...to give it a little more time...to see if he could get their attention himself without      Travis' help....he wanted to do it on his own...

Khristian's first football game is tonight....and my perseverant son will be playing center on first string... =)

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"My little boy is well on his way to being a young man..."

“It's a commonly expressed and rather nice, romantic notion that we are all "sisters" and "brothers....Let's be real. Fact is, we might be better served to accept that we are all "siblings"...Siblings fight, pull each other's hair, steal stuff, and accuse each other indiscriminately...But siblings also know the undeniable fact that they are the same blood, share the same origins, and are family...Even when they hate each other...And that tends to put all things in perspective..."

Oh, my little blog...how I have neglected you in the past few months...I have missed you...I have missed the feeling of thoughts flowing freely...passing from my jumbled mind down to my keyboard....for a moment there I got a little lost...my life was in a whirlwind of change (and still is) ...and my inspiration, while still there, was in hiding...I am happy to report that I am back...and so is my little friend called "Inspiration"...we make a great duo... =)

In the past 7 weeks, I have gone from being pregnant to becoming the mother of a sweet baby girl...from Khristian being a "little kid" at the elementary school to now becoming a "Young Adult" and entering middle school as a 6th grader...for a long time, my vocabulary only consisted of saying "my child"...how weird it feels for me to actually say "My children"...as simple as that term is, it still sounds quite odd coming from my lips...As you can see, many many changes in the Jones household...

I could sit here and talk your ear off all day about how my life has changed this past summer....but I am not...instead I am going to talk about one persons life that has not only changed but he himself has changed along with it....he has accepted this change...and embraced it with open arms...

One night several weeks before I gave birth to Bailey...Khristian was in a horrible mood...I mean a downright mean and irritable  mixed in with being a little emotional...I had almost had my fill of his hateful attitude towards me...and contnued to ask him what was wrong...he just kept shaking his head and saying the ever famous term "Nothing"...I admit that I say that quite often when in fact there is "something" wrong...but I never knew how ittitating it was until my preteen started saying it...I also admit that my tone with him was not a very comforting tone that would make him want to confide in me what was actually bothering him...(at 8 months pregnant, I can admit I was not a very nice person to be around at times)...Finally , I took a step back...took some deep breaths...and tryed to approach him with a calmer and friendlier tone...I explained to him that we all have bad days...and that it was ok..but that was in no way a reason to act the way he had towards me or his daddy...I then asked him again what was wrong....this is where the emotional part comes in...he looked at me and opened his mouth to say something...but then shut it again..shook his head and said "You will get mad at me if I tell you"...Now, as the mother of a very active 10 year old that has a strong will....my first thought was "Oh Lord, what has he gotten in to!"...I assured him that whatever it was he could tell me...that even if I did get upset with him we would work through it....that I couldnt help him if he didnt include me in what was going on...he then said words that almost broke my heart...he looked at mne with tears in his eyes and said "I just don't want you to have Bailey...I'm not ready"...He explained that things were going to change...and he was scared...that we were going to forget about him...He told me "Can you just keep her in there for another year"... ( I admit I had to hide a little bit of a smile on that last comment)

I was speechless for a second...up until this point he had only expressed how excited he was to meet his new little sister...I guess I took this for face value and never thought that he was hiding how scared he was...Travis and I had already had many, many talks about how we didn't want Khristian to fall in the background due to the new baby arriving...that we wanted Khristian to still have his "time" with each of us...and he would be included in everything...as much or as little as he wanted to be...When I finally regained my voice and slowed my thought process...Travis and I told him first and foremost that we love him more than anything in this world...and he would NEVER be forgotten...but we understood where he would feel this way...it was a normal reaction to being the only child for so long and then BAM...you have a new little sister in the picture...I asked him why he didn't want to tell us what was bothering him...and he replied with he thought it would upset me and he didn't want to make me cry (God love him..)...30 minutes to an hour later we had reassured him enough to the point to where he actually had a faint smile on his lips...I could tell our conversation had reassured him in some way...

I went into labor 4 weeks early on a Friday night...and Travis, Khristian and I drove to the hospital at 10:30 that night...(my parents, brother, and Travis' parents were in route right behind us)...As soon as I got to the hospital I was admitted and hooked up to all monitor's...Khristian was right there..checking everything out...making sure I was ok...He was bound and determined he was going to stay up for everything...I started to get sick and was given phenegan to ease the nausea..to which it completly knocked me out cold...Upon waking up the next morning, I was told that my sweet boy had been awake all night watching over me...awaiting the birth of his baby sister with excitment...and at 7 that morning he just couldnt hold his eyes open any longer and passed out in the chair next to my hospital bed... around 9:00 that morning, the doctor broke my water and we had a beautiful baby girl by the name of Bailey Madison Jones at 9:50 AM...

I was very adament that I wanted Khristian to see her before everyone else...he was her big brother...so after Bailey was cleaned up and brough back to the room...Khristian came in and held his sister for the very first time..and it was love at first sight...he sat there and held her with awe in his eyes...he wasnt afraid to hold her...he dove right on in...we spent the first 30 minutes of Baileys life...together...A family of 4...

One of my best friends that stayed the entire night bought Khristian a bracelet that said "Big Brother" on it...he wore that bracelet for a solid week...and showed it to everyone he could...

I was very fortunate that I gave birth at the beginning of the summer so I was able to stay home with Bailey and Khristian as he was out of school...This gave us quite a bit of bonding time...I allowed Khristian to hold her as much as he wanted..he would sing to her...rock her...pat her back...and he got so excited the first time he was able to get her to sleep...One particular morning, he was watching her for a moment while I jumped in the shower real quick (All moms of a newborn know what it is like to take a 5 minute shower)...Bailey started to get a fussy...he had paid enough attention to where he knew it was her feeding time...so he went to the freezer and took out one of the little freezer bags with her milk in it...made sure the water in the sink got hot and tryed to warm up her milk...I opened up the bedroom door and told him I would only be a few more minutes and he told me "Its ok mom...She's happy, I am feeding her!"... I immediatly stopped what I was doing and asked (a little to freaked out) what was he feeding her...and of course he responded "Her milk...I have watched daddy do it before!" ... I told him to show me exactly what he had done...bless his heart, what he didnt know is you are not supposed to mix water in with breastmilk...I calmly explained this to him...I then had to pour the bottle out and throw away the entire freezer bag of milk...he started to tear up because he thought he had hurt her...and maybe this was my fault because of the quickness that I took the bottle away and told him not to do anything without asking me first...it took me 30 minutes to calm him down and assure him he did not hurt her and she was fine...that I knew he was only trying to help but to  ask me before doing anything like that again...

Later that afternoon, I sat back and could only laugh a little...for a little boy that wanted her to "Stay in there another year"...he sure was protective over her...this made my heart smile...You should have seen the pride in that boy's voice when he told me that when his daddy couldn't get bailey to quit crying he was able to...and then there was the instance a week ago when he almost scolded his daddy for throwing a football with a 1 month old in his arms (You know, the ball could hit her... =) ... I could go on and on with instance after instance...he is really taking this role of "Big brother" seriously...he has grown up before my eyes this summer from a 10 year old little boy to an almost mature 11 year old...he still has his moments of extreme attidute and whining where I just want to pinch his little head off...but for the most part...my boy is well on his way to being a young man...and I couldnt be prouder...I was worried about the age difference...11 years is quite a long stretch of time between children...but after watching Khristian I am more than reassured that if nothing else, Bailey will always know that she has her big brother in her corner... =)

This summer has been one of many adjustments for my little family....We have been tested as a family...and I believe we came through with flying colors... =)

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"My Cup Runneth Over..."

"The most significant gifts are the ones most easily overlooked... Small, everyday blessings: woods, health... music... laughter... memories... books... family... friends... second chances... warm fireplaces... and all the footprints scattered throughout our days..."

Have you ever had a moment when you are just so overwhelmed with a feeling of being blessed that you immediatly want to call every single person you know and tell them you love them...that you appreciate them...and your life is so enriched simply because you have them in your life...

Because if not... maybe you should...

This morning, I woke up in a complete haze of ehaustion...tiredness...worn out...you get the point....between late baseball games, general life, and just the extreme tiredness that comes with being 8 months pregnant I feel like I am running on fumes sometimes...I went about my daily morning routine of showering...taking my vitamins...making my bed...asking Khristian if he had made his bed...straightening up the kitchen and living room...starting a load of laundry...and finally getting myself ready...This morning though, I made one extra stop...I walked in Bailey's room to open up the blinds and let some morning light in...and I stopped....looked around for about 5 minutes...walked around...lightly touched the furniture...smiled...and then busted into tears...

You can call it pregnancy hormones...but I call it being thankful...You see, as I looked around my beautiful daughter's soon to be room I saw so many different things....I saw a crib that in less than 2 months will hold a wonderful new chapter in my life...I saw a rocking chair that I re-done with my own hands and I will rock my sweet girl to sleep...I looked in her closet and saw a abundance of clothes that she will probably only wear once...I saw her first little Alabama dress that her daddy will be so proud to show her off in...I saw the chalk board wall that I will write messages to her quite often and then later walk in to admire her art work...a stroller that I will go on afternoon walks with her...her coming home outfit that I will take out years from now and remember when she was just born...her small pearly bracelet that she will wear...and books that were passed down from her big brother that I will read her as she prepares for a peacful slumber...all that is missing is my sweet little Bailey...

While all this made me smile....There was also one other thing that really hit home to me and caused my little emotional outburst...my little family is so loved and blessed...since finding out I was pregnant my husband, family and friends have done everything in the world to make sure that this pregnancy was everything and more that I had hoped it would be...As I looked around Bailey's room this morning...I noticed that there has only been 2 things in her room that I have actually bought and paid money for...A white picture frame and a small yellow flower pot....everything else was either given to us or we already previously had...we have had so many people jump at the opportunity to give us stuff that we have not had to come out of pocket for anything...and I do mean anything...the crib and mattress, diaper changing table, baby swing, car seat, stroller, tons and tons of clothes, high chair...you name it and it has just about been given to us....the only things in her room that we already owned is a rocking chair that I re-did, a shelf that I also repainted and some small accessories...I am so amazed at this...

You can be the most prepared mom out there and have everything so meticulously planned out...and still become extremly overwhelmed at the preperation of a new baby...I mean, I walked into a baby store shortly after I found out I was pregnant and almost bust out in tears because it really hits you how much you are going to need...and yes I knew that I would need all this stuff because Khristian was once a baby...but after 10 years...you tend to develop a case of amnesia...

I can't begin to tell you how much my heart grow's when I think of each and every person out there that has loved us so much and so graciously given from their heart...not because they feel that they have to...but simply because they are happy for Travis and I...and want to...I am tearing up now as I type this...because of all of you...my family...my friends....It makes a difference...10 years ago I hid my pregnancy from the world and felt that I had noone...10 years later I feel that I have the world...Thank you...Thank you for loving us...Thank you for jumping at every single opportunity to make this expierence nothing short of amazing...and Thank you for sharing this  every step of the way with us...I have never really understood the saying "My cup Runneth over..." ...Yes, I know what it means....but I have never had a moment where I just felt it deep down in my heart...

That is what happened this morning, my friends....yes....My cup runneth over... =)

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" Observations..."

"Observe the wonders as they occur around you....don't claim them.... Feel the moment moving through and be silent...but always keep them close...”

Have you ever sat outside..in the mall...the park...anywhere really...just sat back and observed things from a distance...observed people from a distance...it is so easy to do with complete strangers...but have you done it with your spouses...your family...your friends...when they don't think you are watching...observation can be a very powerful thing...it can show you insight into a person...reveal to you a characteristic that you may not have otherwise seen if you had not been looking so carefully...or perhaps... you were not even be looking that closely when that certain moment arises... and in that moment, you get a glimpse of someone that you have known for years...and it makes you look at them in a whole new perspective...

In this case, I am talking about my husband...he is not a man of many words...in fact, on our first date I was the one doing all the talking (I know for those of you who know me, that is a shock, right??)...I finally had to tell him to talk to me or he could take me home...he started talking shortly after that. I see so many sides of him that other's often do not get to see...he has such a funny silly side to him...when it is just Khristian, Travis and I at home...he will do anything to make us laugh...whether it be singing stupid made-up songs...calling us by his many crazy nicknames he has...or immitating the dumbest commercial on TV that we just happen to be making fun of at the time....nobody gets to see that side of him but us. I used to say that he didn't have a romantic bone in his body but over the years I have come to change my opinion of that...he just has certain ways of showing it...and to be honest, I don't think I would like it if he was the "generic" form of romantic...I have come to appreciate random phone calls during the day just to ask me how my day is going and to remind me that he loves me...the times when I am cooking supper and he comes up behind me and kisses me on the cheek without saying a word...the times when he goes to the gym to work out with me when he doesnt feel like it...when he gives up the remote control and makes it a point every week to watch Pretty Little Liars and One Tree Hill wth me (Still working on Grey's Anatomy) even though he would rather be watching Family Guy...walking out into the rain just so he can be sure to put my flower pots out so they can get fresh rain water...these things to Travis are romance...just small little things to show me that he loves me...but just when you think you have seen all the many shades of a person...they tend to surprise you...

In the last 7 months I have gotten to see a side to my husband that quite frankly I am proud of...it has made me fall in love with him all over again...I have gotten to watch his face soften as he watched our baby girl on the ultrasound screen move...watch that slow smile spread across his face as we were told we were having a baby girl...watch his eyes transform from pure boredom at a Dr.'s appointment to a form of pure awe as we got to hear the heartbeat....I have gotten to see him laugh as his hand was on my belly and Bailey kicked unexpectantly...every afternoon he asks me if she has been active today...We were on the couch watching TV the other night and he suddenly layed his head on my stomach and started talking to her...he takes his guitar out and sings to her quite often..and he loves the fact that she almost instantly starts kicking when he starts singing...It literally makes my heart smile to watch these things...It is the most amazing feeling in the world to observe and watch these things...

This is not the only new side of him that I have observed in the last 7 months...

Recently, he was contacted and asked to coach Khristian's baseball team...at first, I was a bit hesitant about him accepting the head coaching job...he has always been a assistant coach on Khristian's teams whether it be baseball or football...but he has never been the head coach...I was not worried in the least little bit about his qualifications...as Travis breathes and lives for baseball and football season and knows the game like the back of his hand...I was concerned about his lack of patience...no one will deny the fact that Travis is hard on Khristian in everything he does...particulary sports...Khristian is a natural athlete and has the potential to be great...Travis brings that out in him...it is nothing for Khristian to get hurt on the field and Travis to tell him to suck it up and get back out there...I remember the first time Khristian walked out onto a football field...I was told on the way to the game that no matter what happens...if he gets hurt...I was NOT to run out onto the field and be "That" mom...at the time, I was aggitated at that...I mean, he is my baby...but now I look back on it and realize that it was Travis' way of toughening him up...As it turns out, I had nothing to worry about because Khristian was the one mowing other players down and making the tackles. In this case, I was concerned at how other parents would perceive Travis' tough mentality...if there is one thing that I learned about my husband a long time ago it is that he does not beat around the bush...nor does he sugarcoat things...for anybody...some people are not very apt to that kind of forwardness...especially when it comes to their son or daughter...he has often referred to himself as "not a people" person...

I have been completly taken aback at his transformation this season...not only with Khristian but within himself...I have watched him call a time out in the middle of the game...walk out onto the field and give the pitcher a pep talk...I have watched him take a player aside that got out on homeplate simply because he did not touch the base with his foot and gently tell him what he should do next time that situation arises and then pat him on the back and give him a smile...I have watched as he put out a fire with a angry parent that the situation could have gone in the opposide direction had he not kept his cool...and in the end, the parent was happy....I have even seen a difference in the way he is with Khristian out on the field...Travis has always been a hard one to get a compliment out of...he does not lie to you and tell you that you have done good...when in fact, you have not...but the other night, I watched as our son was on the pitcher's mound...nervous...he had already struck out 2 other players...and the third one he had 2 stikes on with the threat of walking him...all we needed was one more strike to end that inning...Travis called a timeout..walked out onto the field...Khristian told me later that he just knew his daddy was coming to take him out of the game...but instead he said a few words to Khristian...patted him on the shoulder and walked off the field...in that next instant....Khristian threw a strike...you couldnt have beat that smile of his face or his daddy's...

It is in these moments that I love to sit back and observe him from a distance...commit them to memory...and smile...because I know I am watching the kind of man that Khristian will turn out to be...and the kind of person that our daughter will compare every other man that she ever considers dating to...and I couldnt be prouder...we have been together for almost 10 years...and he never ceases to surprise me at the most unexpected times... =)

(Travis talking to Khristian prior to Khristian throwing that last srike)

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"Rene's Promise..."

"I touched the scar on my left forearm, just below the elbow. I had the tattoo surgically removed. There were so many people who didn't know and so many questions: "What do those numbers mean?"... "Is that your address?" ... "Is that your phone number?"...What was I supposed to say "That was my name for three years and fourty-one days" ?...

I love to read...a lot...when I was younger my mother used to take me to the local Goodwill or Salvation Army and I would stock up on about 20 or 30 books at a time...reading one after another...It wasn't soon after that I picked up a pencil for the first time to discover my love of writing...I have always loved getting lost in the words of the book...the story...the characters....I often times feel a sense of sadness when a really good books ends...but love happy endings...and no matter how good or bad your life may seem at times it is always a relief to jump into a alternate made up world for just a short time...in my short lifetime of reading, I have read many books that I have been so intriqued with that I felt like I just couldnt put it down...all you book nerds out there know exactly what I am talking about...you tell yourself just one more page...well, one more page turns into 5 pages...which in return turns into a whole chapter...and then 2 chapters...and before you know it, it is 2 in the morning and you have to be up in 4 hours to begin your day...

Very rarely do I come across a book that I feel that I need to tell people about...much less in my blog...but I have just finished a book called "Rena's Promise: Two sisters in Auschwitz" ... I have been so touched by this book that I am compelled to write about it in the hopes that you..my readers....will want to pick this book up and read about one woman's incredible journey of survival in one of the most hellish of places... but more so than that...of how the Germans stripped her of her dentity and in it's place was given a number...but she never lost what was in her heart...I have always been a lover of all things history...particularly anything from the 1920's to 1940's era, WWII and the Holocaust...so when my kindle recommended this book I instantly hit the "Buy" button...it also didn't hurt that it was on sale for $1.99...

I was instantly introduced to Rena Kornreich...she was on the very first transport into the most brutal of death camps..Auschwitz...the book recounts her 3 years and 41 days in the camp until the day of her realease... May 2nd, 1945...It recounted day after day...the brutality...the harsh conditions..I expected all this as I have read many Holocaust books before...what I did not expect to find was a book that showed so much about human kindness and compassion...

As Rena first entered into Auschwitz...I am struck by how nieve her and the other women on the transport are...they had no idea as to what they were headed to...Rena was engaged at the time to be married...in her mind she fully thought that she would turn herself in...work out a possible 6 month to a year sentence...and then be released so that she could continue on with her life...she thought she would see her parents again..her family...marry and have children...

"How are we going to find our suitcases later?" I figure I'm a human being, I have a right to ask. "Get in line and shut up!" he yells in my face, pointing his gun at me. The hair on my skin bristles. He doesn't see that I am human...." - (This was as Rena was getting off the train in Auschwitz)


Only about 6 months into her stay there did she realize...she would most likely die there...that no one that was ever brought into Auschwitz was meant to leave...her younger sister Danka soon arrives on a later transport where Rena grabs her up and vows to protect her at all costs...she had also made that same vow to her mother...and she was going to keep it..even if it killed her...

"Mama, I brought you the baby back. I repeat it over and over in my head. It is the refrain to the song that keeps me strong and healthy and spirited: Mama, I brought you the baby back. My one great feat in life, my fate, is to survive this thing and return triumphant with my sister to our parents' house. My dream cannot be marred by German whips or chains or rules. I will succeed because I have no other choice. Failure does not even occur to me, We may die in the interim-death cannot be avoided here-but even that will not dissuade me from my sole purpose in life. Nothing else matters but these four things: be with Danka, be invisible, be alert, be numb..."

As I continued reading...there is one other thing that really stuck out to me...the willingness of the people to help one another...after starvation...beatings...and near death...the people in the camp took care of one another...had compassion for each other...In one part of the book, Rene found a tiny sliver of potato on the ground...instead of hoarding it for herself...she split the small portion of potato in half between herself and her sister...in a time when most would have been selfish...she cared more for her sister than her own self...men flirted with death and being beat just to steal a half of a sausage..then risk their own life to somehow sneak it to Rena and her fellow workers...in our world, these are only tiny acts of kindness...but in Rena's, these acts of kindness was the difference between life or death...

I cannot help but to think that our world  in this day and age lacks that kind of compassion for one another...I realize that we do not have to endure the harshness of what these people had to endure..but in the same retrospect...I wonder if our generation had to undergo something of the same magnitude...would we as individuals do that same for our fellow women or man? Would we risk getting 25 lashes on our back just to stiffle a small piece of sausage to a complete stranger? Would we risk getting such a severe beating that we are almost blinded in one eye just to steal 1 potato to feed our sister or brother? Would we risk being sent to the gas chamber just to send a tiny barely there written note with our name and where we are from to another complete stranger...just so someone would know we were there? At a time when most people would go into self survival mode...and our human nature of selfishness would show...these people had so much compassion for one another....As I read this book...I asked myself these questions...and as good of a person as I try to be...I honestly dont know the answers...I would like to say that I would...but you never know until you are put into these type of situations...and chances are...we will never have to make these type of decisions...but what if we did...would you be able to do these kinds of things for a complete stranger...a friend...your sister...

I have no doubt in my mind after reading this book that human compassion is the only reason Rena and Danka survived Auschwitz...that and her complete resolve to protect her sister and bring her home...I would highly encourage each and every person to read this book...I believe that we all need to be reminded of how kindness and love are still prevalant in the world...even in the most brutal of conditions...


                  

                                                             (Rene & Danka)

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"Pass Me Not, O Gentle Savior..."

"Then the singing enveloped me... It was furry and resonant, coming from everyone's very heart... There was no sense of performance or judgment, only that the words of the song was breath and food to my heart....”

I have been sitting on this post for a little over a week...it's something that I have been thinking and thinking on..wondering if I should post it...but everytime I start to write something new my mind always travels back to this...
 
While sitting in church a couple Sunday's ago, my preacher said something that has stuck with me...it made the wheels in my little mind start turning and thinking....and analyzing....which I am already so good at doing...I can't remember his exact words but he stated that many churches these days have so many comforts...nice cushioney seats...grand pianos...organs...fancy contraptions that place the words of songs on the wall in front of you...and while there is absolutly nothing wrong with these things...they are unnessesary...He spoke about when he was a young boy..how the pews were made of solid wood..so much so that when you stood up to sing... your Sunday best usually got snagged on a piece of lose wood on the edge...of how there was no piano player..no organs...just the congregation's voices singing as one...
 
This reminds me so much of where I attend church..we are a true and true country church if you have ever seen one...around our area of the country we are most often called "The Cowboy Church"...on a average Sunday you will find around 20 or so people there..and if you come on a really good Sunday...attendance will get to around 50...you will not find men sitting in suits and ties...but men sitting in Wrangler jeans, a button up shirt or polo...and most times, a pair of cowboy boots...I have seen our piano player walk to the piano in a pair of fashionable yellowbox flipflops...and when we don't have a piano player present...well, the men of the church pick up their guitars and we sing...sitting behind the piano you will not see a beautful array of flowers...but a pair of lonesome cowboy boots...not because someone forgot them there...but because they belonged to a very highly respected man of our church that has passed on...he was a true representation of what our church is...a cowboy church...

A member of our church who is a very close personal friend of mine and also our piano player recently had a very difficult and extensive back surgery..and has been out for quite some time due to trying to recover...she is also part of a Gospel group in our church called "Upward Bound"...this surgery has been very hard for her to recover and bounce back from...because of this it has left our church without a piano player...and most Sundays the men of the church have been able to accomodate music for us with their guitars...but on this particular Sunday we had no piano player..not one single guitar...and nothing to play music for us to sing to...instead of letting this stop us... we sang  accapella...and to be honest, I think I got more out of singing that day than I get most Sundays...and here is why...I had no music to distract me from the words I was singing...no rythms to clap my hands to...no melody to sway to...no great guitar solo that needed to be clapped for...absolutly no distraction..it was just my voice along with 20 other people's singing as one to God...the way it was meant to be...

I can't help but to wonder...when did our churches become filled with so many distractions that we forget where our focus should be...cushioned pews, grand pianos, fancy song books, organs...and I could go on with the list..these things are great...but they are simply comforts that most churches offer...Ask yourself this question and answer it honestly...What would happen if we had to attend church back in the days of my grandparents or even my great-grandparents with no air conditioning, no nice pews, and the church was basically just a building of 4 walls that held no paint...I am quite certain that over half of us would choose to stay home...I am speaking for myself as well...I am just as spoiled by the comforts of our world as the next person so please do not think I am passing any kind of judgement on anyone...I realized that on the Sunday as I sang with no music... we as a church had to sing accappela...I remember thinking "Well, if we don't have anything to make music..how are we going to sing"...never passing my mind that we could just sing without music...Then I thought... when we pray...we are praying to God...when we sing...we are singing to God..so what does it matter whether there is nice music to accompany it....when we sit on the pews...we are sitting there to learn about God...so what does it matter is they are cushioned or not...I just love it when God sends me little reminders and brings me back down to reality and humbles me...

I can say this about so many aspects of our life...As a society we are so spoiled...which may be one of the reasons why our world is the way it is...we let so many distractions into our life that we often times lose focus of what is really important...I let myself get so distracted in church with the music that I forgot the most important thing...the words we are singing...our voices are music in Gods ears...

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"I love you...We will help you through this.."

“The best fantasy is written in the language of dreams. It is alive as dreams are alive, more real than real ... for a moment at least ... that long magic moment before we wake..."

As I sat at the Doctor's office yesterday getting my 5 month check up...I noticed a young teenage girl sitting across from me...she was visibly upset and I could only assume it had to do with the freshly printed ultrasound picture that she held in her hand....staring intently at the picture with tears in her eyes...sitting beside her was her father...I only know this because we were sitting so close that I couldnt help but to over hear bits and pieces of the conversation...she looked up from the picture long enough to tell her dad how sorry she was...as his way of a response he grabbed her hand and held it...and then slowly said "I love you"...nothing more...just those words...I almost felt like a intruder for witnessing this fragile moment between father and daughter...but it was also one of those moments that I could not turn away from....As I sat there and observed this scene I could not help but to think of myself 10 years ago..It was at that moment that my name was called to head in to see the doctor...As I gathered my things and started to walk toward the nurse...I, for whatever reason, looked over my shoulder one last time at the young girl...at that exact moment she looked up and we locked eyes for a mere second...just long enough for me to offer her a small smile of comfort...I wanted to run over to her and kneel down and talk to her...I wanted to tell her that things would eventually get better...that she wouldnt feel this way forever...to hold her head up no matter what life throws her way...to breathe...and take one step at a time...instead, I followed the nurse to the back....

While I waited for the doctor to come in to see me..which ended up being over 2 hours due to a emergency delivery she had to attend to...I couldnt get the girl and her father out of my mind...how ironic to me that here I was sitting at my 5 month appointment and I just so happened came to sit across from a young girl that so reminded me of myself from 10 years ago...it was almost like my present self was sitting across from my past self...When I finally was able to see my doctor and leave the office...I am sure the girl was long gone...but I thought about her on the long ride from Montgomery to Troy...and again as I changed clothes, put on my tennis shoes and grabbed my Ipod and set out for a long peaceful 4 mile walk outside in the beautiful spring weather...

As I walked...I let the sounds of  music carry me away into deep thought...I revisited the day my parents found out I was pregnant with Khristian...Again, no secret that I hide my pregnancy...The day before the truth finally came to light, we were at the beach and my back had began to hurt pretty badly...the next day my dad and Step-mom had decieded that it was time to come home and carry me to the Emergency room...I think at this point they had a pretty good idea that I might be pregnant...just not 8 months along...Blood was taken...a IV was administered since it was apparent I was severly dehydrated...after 3 bags of IV...Dr.Robledo entered my hospital room and sat the paperwork on the bed beside me...it was just him and I in the room and he gave me this knowing look...At the time, I remember looking into his eyes and feeling nothing but judgement...as I think back on it now ,I know it wasnt judgement in his eyes...it was a look of compassion...a look of understanding...it was the same look that I had given then young girl earlier in the day at my doctors appointment...he looked me and simply said "You know don't you? .... to which I replyed " I have no idea what your talking about..." I was still in such a place of denial that even when the truth was right there in his hands in black and white...I continued to deny it...He looked at me once more and picked up the folder with all my tests in them...and simply stated once more "You know dont you?" ... I couldnt meet his eyes...softly I replyed "Yes...I know"... oddly enough, that was the first time I had actually admitted out loud to anyone that yes...I was ,in fact, pregnant...I had gotten so good at denying and lying that the truth sounded weird coming from my lips...he said "You have to tell your parents now..." ... I shook my head and stated very matter of factly "No I don't!" ... The last thing he said to me was "You have to...sooner or later..." and left the room...

What I failed to know at the time was that my dad and step-mom were waiting outside for him and as soon as he left the room...he walked over to my parents...by law he could not tell them that I was pregnant...but he had known my parents for some time...I believe that he knew that one of my biggest fears was the disappointment of my parents and abondonment...so when they asked him "Is she pregnant?" ...Dr. Robledo looked at them...with a slight motion of his head he indicated yes...and in the same moment told them that they needed to speak with me...

As we all left the Emergency Room...my dad drove us to the Coffee Kettle that was still open in Troy at the time...I laugh as I think back on this little detail and it's simply that you would have to understand our family history with the Coffee Kettle...so many memories has happended in that little coffee shop that I can't even begin to name them off...it seems only fitting that we go there at this exact moment...I ordered 2 eggs over easy and toast...my parents...coffee as ususal...we had a little bit of small talk for around 15 minutes...I think they were trying to give me the opportunity to tell them on my own...but I had already closed myself up again...in my own state of denial...I can hear my dad's voice as clear as a bell to this day when he finally could not stand it any longer and said "I know your pregnant".... the flood gates opened and I started to cry..no, I take that back...I started sobbing....snotty nose and all...before I could say anything my dad grabbed my hand and said "I love you...we will help you through this..." He said more...lots more...but to be honest, I can't remember anything else...I just remember him grabbing my hand and holding it...tight...and saying "I love you...We will help you through this.."

Gina and I were not near as close then as we are now...that would come over time...and I had no clue then as to how big she would influence me or my life...but before I knew it she was on the phone with my aunt who is a social worker getting me a doctors appointment for the next day...my aunt in return started the applications for medicaid and any other form of assistance I would need...things were happening at a whirlwinds pace...but for me it was kind of in slow motion...I felt relieved that my parents now knew...that my secret had finally been revealed...but still the weight of what was about to happen was on my chest...the only thing that allowed me to breathe that night was the feel of my daddy's hand in mine and the look in his eyes when he said "I love you" and gave me a hug. The next day I gave birth to a handsome 8 lb 13 ounce little boy...

As I fell asleep last night..the young girl from earlier in the day and this memory were etched in my mind...I drifted off into dream land...and thats exactly what I did....dream...I don't remember every single detail from my dream as most our dreams fade away soon after we wake up...what I do remember is sitting as my present self in the booth across from past self and my parents at the Coffee Kettle...I was a mere image watching my memory play itself out...I could see my face...I could see my parents face...I could smell the food sitting on the table...and I could hear the words being spoken...but as much as I wanted to intervene and tell my past self that everything would work out..to just look at me...I couldnt...I was just a observer watching the scene unfold....finally at the end of my dream...the 17 year old version of myself turned in my direction and we locked eyes...and in the next moment we smiled at each other...and I woke up...

I have come full circle...my uncle made a comment earlier yesterday that really stuck out to me...he said "It's completly different when you plan for it and you are ready, isnt it?"...he was talking about becoming pregnant...he is more right than he will ever know...I believe the meaning of my dream is simple...my present 28 year old self has finally become at peace with my past 17 year old self.... =)

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"Hey there Sweet Sunshine..."

Hey there Sweet Sunshine...


You are not here with me yet...you are still tucked safely away in my tummy until you are ready to make your appearance...I used to write letters to your older brother when he was a tiny little baby but I have decieded I wanted to start early with you...I felt you move last night for the first time...it was the tinest of a little flutter...so small and subtle...but I knew it was you making yourself known...whats so special about that is I was the only one that could feel it...You are still so tiny that noone else can feel you move just yet...but I did...and that makes my heart smile...you make my heart smile...

I call you my Sweet Sunshine because I have a strong feeling you are going to shine so brightly in this big 'ole world...you are going to make your own way...travel your own path...and surprise your daddy and I with the the things you do and the places you will go...

I sit and wonder what you will be like...Will your hair be curly like mine or straight as a board like your daddys....Will you have my tiny little eyes or big and bold like your daddys...Will you be as stubborn and strong-willed as your brother and not be shy about it...or will you have a quiet strength about you that only comes out when needed...Will you be musically talented like your daddy or can't sing a single solitair note like me...I don't know any of these things right now...but I do know whoever you come out being...you will be you...you will be unique...there will never be anyone else like you...cherish that...we often times in this world try so hard to be someone else or rather something else that we don't ever just sit back and appreciate who we actually are...know who you are and stand tall...embrace all your strengths and faults and don't hide from them...because those are the things that will ultimately set you apart from all the rest of the world...

I have been working on a list of things that I want you to always remember on your journey through life...there will be times in your life that you will need some insight...I know that I cannot (and should not) make your life perfect... I know that eventually you will venture out into the world on your own.... You will have to face your own dragons and learn many things the hard way...I know that most of what I tell you... even the things I might whisper in the quiet dark of your room while you sleep will remain unheard for a very long time..our worlds are very far apart...separated by a generation and a lifetime of experiences...Even so, there are things I want you to always remember....I will tell you these things today... tomorrow...and the day after that...and the day after that... I will repeat them over and over until they echo so clearly in your head that you can hear me clearly saying them to you in your happiest times and times of most despair... These are the things that I believe will help you create your own happiness ...grow it in her your own heart instead of searching for it in other people and places...look within yourself to find what I already know is there...

1.I love you forever...always will...

2.There is no one else exactly like you in the whole world.... Cherish your unique self....

3.You deserve love, admiration, honesty, respect, and second chances...and don't let anyone tell you any different...

4.You have the right to use your voice...any time, any place, on any topic...but be respectful of others opinions...just because it may not match your own does not make it any less important...

5.You are beautiful...even on those days when you look in the mirror and that little voice in the back of your is telling you that your not...reapeat it to yourself...YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL...

6.Beauty is not just skin deep...it resides on the inside of you...physical beauty will fade over time...a beautiful soul lasts forever....

7.True friends make you laugh and feel good about yourself...thats not saying you will not fight...but remember the only reason you fight is because you look at each other like family...

8.Find true love...not the kind of love that you think is true love in High School...but true, unconditional love...all consuming love...the kind of love that makes you want to be a better person and brings out the absolute best in you...

9.Girls can do anything boys can do … and boys really do have cooties.. =)

10.Taking time for yourself is important... even if it's just a few minutes of listening to your favorite song...or finding you a small corner and reading a book...go for a walk...listen to your thoughts in those quite moments...

11.You can always come home...Always...no matter where the road leads you...

12.You can tell me anything....I may not always like what you are saying...but I will respect you enough to listen to you because I love you...

13.You don’t always have to follow the rules, (this applies for when you get older...alot older...)  but …

14.… always follow your heart....

15.There’s no such thing as failure.... Learn from every experience....but also learn from others expierences...

16.You are loved more than you will ever know...you have a huge family that will always be in your corner...

17.Anything is possible if you believe....sometimes you may be the only one that believes..but you just have to take a leap of faith...

18.There are few things a hot cup of coffee,  a good book, and the perfect song won’t fix....

19.Go after your passion with a vengeance, but …

20.… remember to slow down and savor the journey along the way....

21.Sometimes it’s okay to eat dessert first....

22.Don’t wait for things to be “perfect” before you do something....If I had then I wouldnt have you...

23.Keep your eye on the Big Picture... but revel in the details....those are the things you will remember along the way...

24.Trust yourself... You are smart enough, strong enough, and brave enough...

25.It’s okay if you don’t know all the answers...Sometimes it’s a better place to start from....

26.The Golden Rule is the easiest standard to live by...

27 .Travel is the best teacher...but always be safe and be smart... The world is a beautiful place with many beautiful sights and lessons... but it is not without its sharp edges and harsh realities...

28.Never compromise your beliefs or your morals... not for stature, approval, or anything else...when you have lost everthing else...you can hold your head hig for standing up for your beliefs...

29.Manners count...say Please, Thank you, and always say Yes'Mam and No'Mam to adults...

30. Learn to laugh at yourself and life will suddenly seem much easier...

31.It’s okay to be fragile sometimes... Life can be like that....but make sure you don't shatter...and if you do...surround yourself with people that will help you put the pieces back together...

32. I am always so proud of you....I may not be proud of the choices you have made..or the path you go down...but I always proud of YOU...my daughter...my sweet sunshine...

33. Always accept blame for your actions... No one else is responsible for your actions or reactions....

34. Make sure that every decition you make is one you will be proud of...You can walk away from what others think of you... but you are the one person you can’t run away from...

35. You’re never too old to enjoy silliness... Try to work some into every day, because we all need a daily giggle....

36. No one is perfect... Give genuine apologies and ask for forgiveness when needed...be humble...

37. Leave a spot for God in your life and heart...he will never forsake you...he is a loving a just God...we may not always understand what his plans for us are...but we have to believe in our faith...and put our trust in him...

38. Stand on your own two feet...but never be afraid to ask for help when needed...we all need a helping hand every once in a while...

39. Always...Always...Always...believe in yourself...



You are going to be a amazing person...and as your mother...I can't wait to meet you and watch you grow every single day into the young woman that you are meant to be...and I am proud that God choose you to complete our little family...

Love you Always... =)


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"Can you let me in on your plan God?"

This morning, as I sit down at my blog to write I am weighed down....I didn't come here today to tell you a wonderful story...or have some great words of wisdom that will make you ponder the meaning of life..or something like that...I simply came here to my blog today to write out my feelings...my distress...my fears....to pour them out as I have done so many times before in the hopes that it will ease the growing anxiety I have in my chest...and somehow calm me...

I have already written about my first trip to the Emergency Room because of my severe bleeding....I was 8 weeks and 2 days...where the doctor outright told us that we most likely had a miscarriage...thankfully she was wrong and everything turned out fine...It was a little less than a month later when I another similiar severe bleed...I was right at 12 weeks...which resulted in another trip to the emergency room....again, everything turned out fine...we were told both times that we went to the ER that I had what was called a "Subchorionic Hemorrage"..defined as: A pool of blood clot that resides between the membrane of the placenta (chorion) and the wall of the uterus... for more information you can go to this website:  http://hematomatreatment.com/subchorionic-hematoma/ ... We were told that these more commonly resolve themselves during the first trimester...well, I was at the end of my first trimester so we were thinking we could breathe a sigh of relief...In the meantime, when we went to my doctor she told us that she thought the bleeding was caused from the implantation process which is the stage at which the embryo adheres to the wall of the uterus...the doctor explained that it can be a pretty bloody process...so here we are, with 2 different explanations as to why I am having such extreme bleeds...

To say that my stress level was through the roof is a bit of a understatement...but I kept myself positive with the thought that both doctors said the bleeding should reslove itself by week 16...I just had to wait it out..while I thought that over the next couple weeks the bleeding would lighten up until it completly stops...that unfortunatly is not the case...Monday the 20th, I will be 18 weeks...and the bleeding has not stopped..in fact, it has gotten worse...I am going to get a little graphic on details but it is the only way to describe what I am dealing with...I have went from gushing...and yes, I literally mean gushing...blood once a week..to at least once a day...many times, more than that...it doesnt matter where I am... what I am doing...walking or sitting...it just happens...often times, drenching my underpants and back of my clothes with blood because there is in fact so much of it...I am not, by any means, trying to be dramatic...I was sitting at my dad's house last week carrying on a casual conversation with him after work when all the sudden I had to run to the bathroom...by the time I had gotten there (10 steps away)..it drenched my clothes...my tights...my legs...and the toilet looked like a murder scene...I was at home laying in the bed reading..when I felt it again...the gushing again drenched my clothes..my sheets...and went through onto our mattress...this often happens all through out the night as well..I wake up in the middle of the night because I am bleeding...I have had to start sleeping with a towel underneath my sheets to protect my mattress...I was doing a little bit of shopping at Target while talking to my brother on the phone...and I had to put my things down and get off the phone with him and run to the nearest bathroom because ,again, I was gushing blood...I was sitting here at work just this week...when again, I felt it...I had to leave work early because it went through onto my dress...this was after I got through scrubbing blood out of my work chair...this is just a few of the instances...There is not one single day in the last 3 months that I have not worn a pad..which doesnt really do much good exept to catch and absorb a little bit of the blood...this is a day in and day out routine...

Evertime we go to the doctor..the baby is fine...heartrate is fine...actually, the baby is 2 days ahead of schedule on developing...last week at a unexpected Dr. appointment she said that at this point she does not know why I am bleeding so much...she says that the baby may have implanted on a blood vessel which is causing the gushes...or that it may be "A weird unexplained pregnancy thing"...I just want a answer...a name...something to tell me what is going on with my body...I have thought about getting a second opinion..but my step-mother who has had her fair share of miscarriages and pregnancy troubles that could last anyone a lifetime...told me that even if I get a second opinion, I may not get a answer...that even with her 13 miscarriages the doctors couldnt really tell her a definate reason as to why she couldnt carry a baby...

This is a nightmare...I am in constant fear all the time...I wait impatiently for my Dr's appointments because I want to hear the heartbeat...to see it move around...to know that everything is alright...the weeks inbetween those appointments are torture..because I am so afraid that my babys heartbeat will just stop one day without me knowing...not only is this taking a toll on me emotionally...it is taking its toll on me physically...I don't sleep at night because I am so up and down...in the morning when I wake up I am drained of all my energy because of the blood loss...I have become a person I don't hardly recognize....I am irritable all the time...I often times, take it out on Travis and Khristian...and I feel absolutly horrible afterwards...Travis does what he can to help me...I don't even feel like me..feeling positive..feeling confident...feeling postive...these are things that used to be me...and its getting harder by the second to continue these things...I feel like I am prisoner to my own body and I have no clue as to whats going on...The baby is getting what it needs from me...but what happens when my health has declined and then the babys health starts to decline...I had so many hopes for what this pregnancy was going to bring...this, however, was not in the plans...just another instance where God throws us a wrench in our life that we have to overcome...I tell myself day after day that he has a plan...he is in control...and he is guiding this pregnancy....I just, for the life of me, would love to understand the purpose of this...

This is not a pity plea..this is not a plea to feel sorry for me in the least little bit...the only thing I will ask of you...my family, my friends and my readers...is for your prayers...I have seen them work before..and I pray that they work and heal whatever is going on within my body...and keep my baby safe...My family cannot carry this on our own...This may go away in the next couple weeks..it may be gone tomorrow...I dont know...but I know that he does...I just wish I could ask God to let me in on his plans so that it may set my heart and mind at ease....

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"Moments..."

This weekend like many other women who love a good love story...I jumped on the bandwagon and went to see the movie "The Vow"... It was a ok enough movie...certainly not at the calibre of "The Notebook", "Dirty Dancing" or "Pretty Women"...but it had it's moments...it made me cry at times (which is not hard to do at this particular part of my pregnancy)...it made me angry at certain times.... and then ultimatly, at the end, it made me happy because I am a sucker for happy endings...but the one thing that I took away from this movie is the theme of "Moments"...there are sudden moments in our life that stick out more so than other...some change our life forever....some are just moments in time that will forever stick out in our memory...no reason...they just do...Our life is filled with tiny little moments...and we store them in our memory so that we can think back on them from time to time...

When Khristian was a baby..he was very sick...in and out of the hospital with severe Asthma and acid reflux...his immune system was very weak due to the asthma...so we had to watch him closely...he could start coughing one hour and then the next hour we were heading to the hospital to be admitted...The Troy hospital and Childrens hospital in Birmingham knew us by name...Sometimes we would have long waits in the waiting room or in the actual room waiting to see the Dr....as most babies do, Khristian would start to get fussy... I found that the only way to get him to calm down most time is to sing "You are my Sunshine" to him... often times, I would sing it so much that the nurses outside the room could hear me and the tune would get stuck in their head... I have no idea why that song seemed to soothe him...that is a memory that will forever stick out my mind...

The other night while cooking supper..my stomach was in knots...it was making all kinds of weird sounds..doing flip flops...I was a little nausous which I haven't been in over a month...subconciously, I started humming a little tune...."You are my sunshine"...I don't know why I started doing it...instinct, maybe....but within 10 minutes my stomach had settled down...not a single sound was coming from my stomach...it finally dawned on me what had just happened...I had just had my first moment with this new little blessing...It also connected my 2 children togther...

The further along in my pregnancy that I get...I am fillled with a anticipation that I have never felt before...I have so many thoughts...when Khristian was born, I was 17..there was so much that I was unable to do with him when he was a baby...partly because I was a single teenage mother trying to make it off the little salary I made as a waitress...and partly because there was so  much I didnt know I was supposed to do...I was so overwhelmed with motherhood that I had little thoughts as to what I should do...I was learning...I am still leaning...everyday is a new lesson...and I know that this new baby will be a whole new lesson on its own...a whole new adventure....I want to put a record player in the babies room and sit there for hours listening to my grandmothers old records like I did when I was younger...I want get out in the yard and teach her/him to make things grow...I want to take more time to appreciate the younger years...I feel that the younger years just flew by so quickly with Khristian that I didn't get to enjoy things the way I should have...I never got to spend 9 months planning a baby nursery...picking out every single detail of the room to make it just perfect....I can't sit here and lie and tell you pregnancy has been so far been a great expierence..it hasnt...it feels like there is medical issue after medical issue...and I have had more ultrasounds in this last 4 months than I can count...but I would not take a single thing back...every day that this little ray of sunshine grows in my stomach I love it more and more...I can press on my lower stomach and tell where its laying...I grab Travis hand and place in on that spot and as he pushes in and feels the baby...I see that light in his eyes...and every pain...every trip to the ER...every time I throw up...is worth it in that moment....

Moments...they change our life forever...they mold us...they make us who we are...good or bad...big or small...they make us..shape us...and conform us to a better person... (=

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"I trust you..."

There are moments that I think God presents himself to you in such a unexpected way...he has a way of showing you what your heart truly desires...and in the same moment testing you to see how much faith you truly put in him..how much you trust in him...to say "Ok God...whatever your reasoning is...I trust you...as hard as it may be..I trust you.."

Right after Travis and I found out we were pregnant...we were both of course over the moon excited..couldnt wipe the smile off our face excited...really wanting to tell everyone excited..just plain excited...it was all we could talk about for the next couple days...I think it was the hardest keeping it a secret from Khristian..we both know he has such a hard time keeping that little motor mouth of his shut...Bless his heart, he really can't keep a secret..though he tries...most of time it just slips out before he realizes it...so for the time being we kept it a secret from most everyone..except our parents and a few close friends...Christmas was almost upon us and the usual stress of that time of year was closing in...finances were tight due to impending bills, presents left to buy and so on..the ususal Christmas time stress...adding on to the fact, that I was impossibly sick with morning sickness...(although seriously, It should be called ALL DAY sickness..because thats exactly what it was)...I started having some doubts...I am one to over analyze things...so when one negative though enters my mind...of course, others are to follow...

I couldnt help but to think of the financal aspect of having a baby in the house...diapers and formula..childcare...What if we had rushed into this a bit to quick...maybe we should have waited one more year...thought after thought rushed in...I tried pushing them out as fast as they could rush in...I took a deep breathe and said "Just Breathe...Just Breathe Jessica...it's going to be alright"...  Whats odd to me here that as I type this I think back to the night I took that pregnancy test...I thanked God for allowing us to have this little blessing...but as I sat there a couple weeks later worrying about trivial things...I forgot to pray to God to help ease me fears...to help ease the burden off my chest...I forgot to trust in him...Isn't it so easy how we do that...

On a Wednesday afternoon a couple weeks prior to Christmas and about a week and a half before our first Dr. appointment to "offically" confirm that in fact I was pregnant...things changes...it was a slow afternoon in the office so 2 co-workers and I decided to walk down to the book store here on campus to grab a dose of caffeine (yes I know, no caffeine...but seriously I had not drank coffee in almost 2 months because smell of it made my stomach do flip flops) to make it through the rest of the evening...I grabbed a tall mocha frap and we headed on our way back...half way back to our building here on campus I felt a small gush...You may laugh, but my first thought was "Great..along with everything else a pregnant woman has to deal with..now I have to worry about my bladder leaking all over the place".. I kept quiet but a few seconds later I felt a slightly larger gush...with something running down my legs...I picked up my pace to get back to the building...when I got to the bathroom...my heart stopped when I found a large amount of blood...in that moment, let me tell you...nothing prepares you for that sight...you know its always a possibility that something may happen in the first trimester..but nothing..and I mean nothing prepares you for that sight...I tried cleaning up but more just came...

My breathing was becoming ragid..I started to panic...I half walked..half ran back to the office..tried picking up my cell phone but my hands had begun to shake so bad I dropped my phone twice...I could no longer hold the tears in..they started flowing...I called my student workers over to my desk to ask them to dial Travis' number on my cell...then asked them to get my other co-worker in our office...Travis answered the phone..and the words almost seemed stuck...I didn't want to say them...I told him that I needed to get to the Emergency room..he immediatly kicked into action...I don't know how I managed the drive to meet him...I out my sunglasses on to avoid the crazy stars of passer byers..because by this time I was a blubbering mess...that drive to Montgomery was the longest of my life..we had the emergency blinkers on...but still..it took forever to pull into that parking lot...in that drive..so many thoughts run through your mind..every possible bad scenerio...so many "What if's"... Travis and I didn't talk much on the way...besides the occational "Are you okay"  he would ask me...I think we were both drowning in our own thoughts...to scared to speak them out loud...

By the time we reached the hospital..blood had soaked through my dress and Travis' jacket that I was sitting on to avoid it getting on the seats of my car..We got checked in pretty quick...taken back to a room...where they took our information...by this time my step-mom and dad were on there way...after telling what happened a million times to multiple nurses...the Dr. finally came in to see us...she took some notes...asked me what happened again...and gave me a slight node of her head..and pulled no punches...because of the amount of blood and the symtoms I was having she told Travis and I that she believed I had misscarried...but to be sure they would do a ultrasound and run multiple blood tests..I felt Travis squeeze my hand...the Dr. patted my leg in some kind of assurance...maybe it was sympathy..I don't know...Its funny, when you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound...when a window shatters... a table leg breaks or when a picture falls off the wall it makes a noise... but as for your heart... when that breaks it is completely silent...You would think as important as the heart is...it would make the loudest noise in the whole world or even have some distinct noise..but no...nothing...It was then that I found my praying voice...in that time of desperation..there was no doubts...there was no fear of what if Travis and I should have waited...there was no worry that we wouldnt be able to make it financially....there was only the desperate plea that I made to God..."Please God...Please allow this baby to be ok...despite all my doubts and my fears...I give this to you...I trust you...with my heart...with my family...with this baby...I trust you" ...

After several agonizing hours later...painful blood being drawn...Ultrasounds being done...the Dr. came in to reveal that we had not misscarried...we had a 8 week and 2 day old baby with a heartbeat...Travis and I both let out the biggest sigh of relief...and I smiled so hard I think it could have split my face in two...I couldnt say a full prayer...but all I could say over and over...was "Thank you God..Thank you"...

Since then we have made one other trip to the Emergency Room with the same thing... come to find out I have what's called a subcorneal hemorrhage...99 % of women will not have to deal with this during pregnancy..unfortunatly, I am in the 1% that does...I will continue to bleed until the problem fixes itself...and there is a small possibility that I will do this the entire pregnancy...It is nerve racking...I worry about every little ache or pain that I have...My worst nightmare is that I will go in for a Dr's appointment and she will not be able to find a heartbeat...I try not to let these negative thoughts in...but they somehow sneak in...

I feel as though my faith has been tested in these last few months...It is so hard to trust that God is doing what is best for you...you want so badly to take things in your own hands...to carry all of the burden...but I am learning more than ever to trust in him...to hand him over my family...my baby... and to say "Ok God...whatever your reasoning is...I trust you...as hard as it may be..I trust you.."

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"Waiting..."

"A waiting person is a patient person...The word patience means the willingness to stay where we are and live the situation out to the full.. in the belief that something hidden there will manifest itself to us...”

I have been sitting on this post for about a week or so...and I have finally decieded to publish it for all to read...I am opening up myself for a bit of criticism and thats ok...I don't expect everyone to agree with me or my reasoning..believe me, I have heard from both sides of the fence...so you won't say anything that I haven't already heard...

I have been asked on multiple occations here lately why Travis and I waited so long to have a baby...I could give the simple cut and dry answer that so many give..."I just wasn't ready"...and while that is true to a certain degree...it is not my sole answer...To be quite honest with you, there are several answers that I can give you..Ultimatly, I don't owe anyone a explaination really...but I really wanted to answer this..So bear with me as I tell this and you will get your answer...


If you have been following me on this blog and read a great deal of my posts or know me personally then you most likely know my backstory...it is no secret that I was a teenage mother at the young age of 17...Things were not ideal and there is alot of painful memories from that time in my life...when I meet Travis, Khristian was 2 almost 3 and I was still a complete unstable mess on the inside...geez, as I think back to it I was still so young mentally but yet I was a couple years ahead of others my age...I was in a in-between stage of still being a child and trying my best to be a adult...Over the course of about year and half our relationship grew stronger and we were both on stable ground enough to begin to talk about marriage. Travis was far more advanced in his feelings than I was..he has always said that he knew from very early in our relationship that I was the one for him...I was the one that held back a good bit..but I finally couldnt hold out any longer and admitted that he was the guy for me..and so we were married on April 9th, 2005..Khristian was 4 at the time...and only then did we move in together..not saying that anything is wrong with living together before marriage..it just wasn't for us. It was a huge adjustment for both Khristian and I...but here we were...we were finally a family..Travis, Khristian and I...

Before we were married, Khristian had already begun to ask a few questions...such as why Mama, maw-maw or Paw-Paw always picked him up from daycare..other kid's had daddy's that picked them up and he just didn't understand where his daddy was..Seriously, you tell me how you explain that one to a 4year old?? I have to stop here and give some major praise to my Dad and Step-mom because along with me, they did everything in there power to make sure Khristian missed out on nothing...they stepped right in and became such a major role in not only Khristian's life..but also in mine..Honestly, I have no idea what I would have done without them to back me up so much...While they were a huge part of Khristians life...I felt bad as a mother because I wanted Khristian to know what it was like to have a mommy and daddy present in his life...

So, to finally answer the question...why did Travis and I wait so long to have a baby? It's a 2 part answer...Firstly, I had such a tramatic expierence when I had Khristian that I was completly against ever having another child...I had deep rooted wounds that over time healed enough so that I could see past what had happened in my first pregnancy and I could actually start looking toward a future one...and secondly, I felt that I owed Khristian that time...It was partly my mistakes and my choices as a teenager that had caused him to miss out on the storybook family that he so much deserved...so when Travis and I got married...I felt he needed that time...by himself...I felt that deserved to have us all to himself for a while...I felt that he and Travis needed that time to bond...to play baseball and football...to have father/son talks...and because of this their relationship has grown from a tiny little seed to a powerful unbreakable bond...If it was up to Travis we would have had a child in our second year of marriage..but I held stronge in saying no..yes, because I wasn't ready..but that's not all..I was selfish...I was selfish for Khristian...and for myself...I needed that time as much as Khristian...I reveled in the fact that I now had a little family to call my own...I wanted to know what it was like to take family trips to the park..or to have that family photo taken at a special moment...

I have had heard all the typical responses to why I waited...and yes I say "I" because in fact it was me..."You are cheating Travis by not having another baby"..and.."He deserves to have a child of his own"... but here is the thing that do not and will never understand...he gained just as much from these past 6 years of it just being us...he has a bond with Khristian now that he knows he would not have had if we had in fact rushed into having a baby so early in our marriage..and one of the most admirable things about Travis is he never pushed...not even once...he understood completly my reasoning for waiting...and while I waited for me to finally be ready...he waited for me...

Khristian has 6 amazing years that he gets to call his own...the spoiled only child...and I wouldnt have it any other way... =)

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"Criticism is a hard pill to swallow..."

“You may not want to hear it...but your critics are often the ones telling you they still love you and care about you....and want to make you better..."

Everyone has had to deal with it at one point or another, most on a daily basis....whether it's how you perform your job at work... how you raise your children...how clean you keep your house...how you speak...how you treat people...how health concious you are. Regardless of what the situation is...we all have to deal with criticism...As humans, we tend to get our feelings hurt when this happens..because let's face it....nobody likes to be told they are doing something wrong or there is room for improvement. Some handle this better than others...while others just don't deal with it at all...At the end of the day, most of us teach ourselves to"Put our big girl panties on and deal with it"...we apply the newfound information to our life..and choose to improve ourself.... but I have recently come across something that I am having difficulty with....How do you teach a 10 year old how to deal with criticism??

Khristian by nature is a sensative child...he get's his feelings hurt easily...but also by the same standard, he is very stubborn...like most children he thinks his way is best and he knows way more than Travis and I could ever teach him. There are times when Travis and I just have to lay things out boldly for him to understand the point that we are tying to get across to him... This often times leads to hurt feeling and him sulking off into his bedroom thinking that it us against him....It is hard to get across to him that we are not telling him these things to hurt him...we tell him these things to help him improve himself...Travis is by far harder of him that I am...especially in sports and things of that nature...I am harder on him when it comes to what he is capable of in school and what is asked of him in the house such as chores...

A episode one morning last week resulted in a very long conversation between Travis, Khristian, and I...Khristian knows that when he wakes up in the morning he is to get dressed for school, clean his room, make his bed, straighten up his bathroom, and brush his hair before he can turn on the TV or play his X-box 360...also, if Travis has placed some clothes of his in his room to fold (Yes, we make him fold and put up his own clothes because we feel that it teaches him responsibility) he has to make sure those are folded/hung before the TV comes on...All of this can be done within 25 minutes and he still has 30-40 minutes of free time before we leave the house...on this particular morning he ran through all of his chores barely..the clothes basket that was full of his "clean" clothes was laying on his floor now mixed with clean and dirty clothes in it and stuffed in his closet...his bed was half made..his bathroom still had dirty clothes laying in the floor..and there he was... sitting on the couch eating his sausage biscuit..watching TV...

There had been several other instances that also lead to the talk we had with him but this was the one that broke the camel's back...The talk started out like most we have had consisting of "You have to do your chores" and "You can't half do things"..."You have to start being more responsible" and blah blah blah...you all know the talk...we got them from our parents and in return we have them with our kids...well, this particular talk started to take a different turn very quickly... Khristian made the statement "I can't be who you want me to be" ... Now for those that do not know Khristian very well..he tends to be a little on the dramatic side... so my first thought was "Did my 10 year old really just say that?" .. I had to take a step back for a second and think about that one....When I finally found my voice I simply said "Khristian, that is a cop-out..." ... I explained to him that its simply not about who I want him to be...its what he is choosing to be...It is mine and his daddy's job to push him, correct him, and make sure that he lives up to what we know he is capable of...and when we correct him and give him criticism...its not because its us against him...it's us, his parents..working with him to help him...and instead of him getting his feelings hurt when we give him positive criticism he needs to take a step back...think about what we are telling him....and apply it...

Oddly enough, through out this whole entire conversation with him...the one thing that finally got through to him was this... I told him that his daddy would never lie to him...I was using this as more of a example than anything but its what finally turned the light bulb on for him...Travis is very hard on Khrisitan in sports...He does not sugar coat it for him in the least little bit..he basically tells it like it is...if Khristian does something good, Travis tells him...if he does something bad, Travis tells him...if Khristian is out there on the football field and he misses a block which results in the other team getting a first down or even a touchdown...Travis rips into him....if he recovers a fumble...Travis will be the first on the field to pick him up for a hug and tell him great job....and here is why...If he is constantly telling Khristian how good he is and never corrects him and what he is doing wrong or what he can improve on...then he is cripling Khristian in the long run...he is not helping him become the athlete or the man that Travis knows he can become...so when I put it in those terms to Khristian...and told him "Your daddy will never lie to you..he will never tell you what you want to hear...instead, he is going to tell you what you need to hear because he knows that you can be the best" ... It clicked with him...and he finally understood what it meant to take criticism...and why we do it... In Khristians words he said "So thats why Coach Saban yells at his players alot...because he knows they are capable of doing better!" ..my son is definatly sports minded..

On a closing note, I think we as adults (myself included) need to remind ourselves of this same lesson...criticism is a hard pill to swallow sometimes...but in the long run, it only allows us as humans to become better employees..mothers...wives...family members...friends...and overall better as a whole... =)

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