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"I love you...We will help you through this.."

 Wednesday, March 21, 2012

“The best fantasy is written in the language of dreams. It is alive as dreams are alive, more real than real ... for a moment at least ... that long magic moment before we wake..."

As I sat at the Doctor's office yesterday getting my 5 month check up...I noticed a young teenage girl sitting across from me...she was visibly upset and I could only assume it had to do with the freshly printed ultrasound picture that she held in her hand....staring intently at the picture with tears in her eyes...sitting beside her was her father...I only know this because we were sitting so close that I couldnt help but to over hear bits and pieces of the conversation...she looked up from the picture long enough to tell her dad how sorry she was...as his way of a response he grabbed her hand and held it...and then slowly said "I love you"...nothing more...just those words...I almost felt like a intruder for witnessing this fragile moment between father and daughter...but it was also one of those moments that I could not turn away from....As I sat there and observed this scene I could not help but to think of myself 10 years ago..It was at that moment that my name was called to head in to see the doctor...As I gathered my things and started to walk toward the nurse...I, for whatever reason, looked over my shoulder one last time at the young girl...at that exact moment she looked up and we locked eyes for a mere second...just long enough for me to offer her a small smile of comfort...I wanted to run over to her and kneel down and talk to her...I wanted to tell her that things would eventually get better...that she wouldnt feel this way forever...to hold her head up no matter what life throws her way...to breathe...and take one step at a time...instead, I followed the nurse to the back....

While I waited for the doctor to come in to see me..which ended up being over 2 hours due to a emergency delivery she had to attend to...I couldnt get the girl and her father out of my mind...how ironic to me that here I was sitting at my 5 month appointment and I just so happened came to sit across from a young girl that so reminded me of myself from 10 years ago...it was almost like my present self was sitting across from my past self...When I finally was able to see my doctor and leave the office...I am sure the girl was long gone...but I thought about her on the long ride from Montgomery to Troy...and again as I changed clothes, put on my tennis shoes and grabbed my Ipod and set out for a long peaceful 4 mile walk outside in the beautiful spring weather...

As I walked...I let the sounds of  music carry me away into deep thought...I revisited the day my parents found out I was pregnant with Khristian...Again, no secret that I hide my pregnancy...The day before the truth finally came to light, we were at the beach and my back had began to hurt pretty badly...the next day my dad and Step-mom had decieded that it was time to come home and carry me to the Emergency room...I think at this point they had a pretty good idea that I might be pregnant...just not 8 months along...Blood was taken...a IV was administered since it was apparent I was severly dehydrated...after 3 bags of IV...Dr.Robledo entered my hospital room and sat the paperwork on the bed beside me...it was just him and I in the room and he gave me this knowing look...At the time, I remember looking into his eyes and feeling nothing but judgement...as I think back on it now ,I know it wasnt judgement in his eyes...it was a look of compassion...a look of understanding...it was the same look that I had given then young girl earlier in the day at my doctors appointment...he looked me and simply said "You know don't you? .... to which I replyed " I have no idea what your talking about..." I was still in such a place of denial that even when the truth was right there in his hands in black and white...I continued to deny it...He looked at me once more and picked up the folder with all my tests in them...and simply stated once more "You know dont you?" ... I couldnt meet his eyes...softly I replyed "Yes...I know"... oddly enough, that was the first time I had actually admitted out loud to anyone that yes...I was ,in fact, pregnant...I had gotten so good at denying and lying that the truth sounded weird coming from my lips...he said "You have to tell your parents now..." ... I shook my head and stated very matter of factly "No I don't!" ... The last thing he said to me was "You have to...sooner or later..." and left the room...

What I failed to know at the time was that my dad and step-mom were waiting outside for him and as soon as he left the room...he walked over to my parents...by law he could not tell them that I was pregnant...but he had known my parents for some time...I believe that he knew that one of my biggest fears was the disappointment of my parents and abondonment...so when they asked him "Is she pregnant?" ...Dr. Robledo looked at them...with a slight motion of his head he indicated yes...and in the same moment told them that they needed to speak with me...

As we all left the Emergency Room...my dad drove us to the Coffee Kettle that was still open in Troy at the time...I laugh as I think back on this little detail and it's simply that you would have to understand our family history with the Coffee Kettle...so many memories has happended in that little coffee shop that I can't even begin to name them off...it seems only fitting that we go there at this exact moment...I ordered 2 eggs over easy and toast...my parents...coffee as ususal...we had a little bit of small talk for around 15 minutes...I think they were trying to give me the opportunity to tell them on my own...but I had already closed myself up again...in my own state of denial...I can hear my dad's voice as clear as a bell to this day when he finally could not stand it any longer and said "I know your pregnant".... the flood gates opened and I started to cry..no, I take that back...I started sobbing....snotty nose and all...before I could say anything my dad grabbed my hand and said "I love you...we will help you through this..." He said more...lots more...but to be honest, I can't remember anything else...I just remember him grabbing my hand and holding it...tight...and saying "I love you...We will help you through this.."

Gina and I were not near as close then as we are now...that would come over time...and I had no clue then as to how big she would influence me or my life...but before I knew it she was on the phone with my aunt who is a social worker getting me a doctors appointment for the next day...my aunt in return started the applications for medicaid and any other form of assistance I would need...things were happening at a whirlwinds pace...but for me it was kind of in slow motion...I felt relieved that my parents now knew...that my secret had finally been revealed...but still the weight of what was about to happen was on my chest...the only thing that allowed me to breathe that night was the feel of my daddy's hand in mine and the look in his eyes when he said "I love you" and gave me a hug. The next day I gave birth to a handsome 8 lb 13 ounce little boy...

As I fell asleep last night..the young girl from earlier in the day and this memory were etched in my mind...I drifted off into dream land...and thats exactly what I did....dream...I don't remember every single detail from my dream as most our dreams fade away soon after we wake up...what I do remember is sitting as my present self in the booth across from past self and my parents at the Coffee Kettle...I was a mere image watching my memory play itself out...I could see my face...I could see my parents face...I could smell the food sitting on the table...and I could hear the words being spoken...but as much as I wanted to intervene and tell my past self that everything would work out..to just look at me...I couldnt...I was just a observer watching the scene unfold....finally at the end of my dream...the 17 year old version of myself turned in my direction and we locked eyes...and in the next moment we smiled at each other...and I woke up...

I have come full circle...my uncle made a comment earlier yesterday that really stuck out to me...he said "It's completly different when you plan for it and you are ready, isnt it?"...he was talking about becoming pregnant...he is more right than he will ever know...I believe the meaning of my dream is simple...my present 28 year old self has finally become at peace with my past 17 year old self.... =)

2 comments:

Anonymous,  April 4, 2012 at 12:50 PM  

I totally feel the same way as you do.. It is so different when you are married and have someone by your side to share all of the little details with.


Christy Morrow

Obat Kencing Manis July 16, 2012 at 10:27 PM  

good post about

"I love you...We will help you through this.."

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