Flashes...

I had a dream last night...the thing about this dream that stands out  is I actually remember the whole thing in entirety..not just bits and pieces that fade through out the day..When I woke up I wanted to make sure I remembered it so I got up around 2 this morning and wrote it down..I dont need the words that I wrote to piece it together though...Its engraved in my thoughts this morning and I feel that I need to write it down to better understand what my subconcious is telling me...

The dream started out with me being a old women..maybe in my 70's but not quite certain...(let me tell you, seeing yourself at that age is surreal)..I was sitting indian style and surrounding me were polaroid snap shots..I dont know the exact count but I am sure there were several hundreds of them...before I even started looking at them I just knew that there was my life in retrospect captured on all these polaroids...So I started picking them up one by one and looking at them...for each picture that I picked up there was a "flash" and I was taken right back to that moment in time...sort of like I was time traveling...I can remember exactly what I was feeling with each picture..some sad..some nostalgic..some happy..some unbearable...Some pictures I remembered the moments..some pictures were moments that my 27 year old self present self has not yet expierenced...

I reached out and picked up the first picture..Flash...I was sitting in our old house in Highland Home where my sister, brother and I were sitting around the wood burning heater with both of my parents...Flash..I was sitting on my Grandmothers floor listening to her old records...Flash...the day my parents told us they were getting a divorce and my daddy told was telling me bye..Flash...I had the chicken pox and it was snowing outside..my brother and sister filled up the bath-tub so I could make a snowman...Flash...I was in high school standing outside by the ROTC Department and my ex was giving me a hug...Flash...It was my high school graduation and I was walking across that stage...Flash..the first night I felt Khristian kick in my stomach and I started to cry because I realized that he was real...Flash...The day we took Khristian to Children's Hospital in Birmingham to get him tested for Cystic Fibrosis...Flash...Khristian turned 3 and Travis standing right there beside me and I knew he wasnt leaving...Flash...Travis telling me he loved me for the first time on our trip to the beach...Flash...My wedding day as my Grandmother gave me a kiss on the cheek...Flash...Khristian hugging me and telling me that he loved me and didnt hate me for not telling him sooner about his biological father sooner...Flash...Travis and I having our second child and it was a girl named Haley Grace...Flash...Khristian's graduation from college...Flash...My dad's funeral (As I type that one I am tearing up)...Flash...Not quite sure where this one was but it was a picture of Travis, myself, Khristian and Haley in front of some sort of beach...Flash... Kelli and I in New York City (yes we finally made it there according to my dream)...Flash...Christmas at my Uncles house but I felt sadness in this one because there was a sense of loss..maybe death..not quite certain...Flash..Travis and I..probably in our 70's...holding hands...sitting on our front porch...

As I put this last picture down...I felt tears sliding down my face...but a smile upon my face..You see in my dream I had Alzheimer's...and I looked at these pictures to remind myself of my life...to give myself a sense of who I was...

My Grandmother had Alzheimers disease before she died...and I woke up this morning with her on my mind...one of my greatest fears is I will get this disease and all my precious memories will be but a fog in my mind...I believe that is why I document everything I do in pictures...I want there to be a souvneir of sorts that says "I cared enough and I loved you enough to want to capture this moment and freeze it in time"...

Our life...our memories...is but a flash of polaroids...What I want to be certain of is that at the end of my life, I look back with pride over who I was...what I accomplished..and my legacy that I left behind...