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Random thoughts...

 Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I am not quite sure where this blog will end up..as I don't have one inparticular thing that I want to talk about..all I know is I am in a writing mood and something is nagging at me and I can't quite figure it out...So we shall see where this ends up..

One thing that keeps entering my mind is Saturday...I have to tell you that I woke up Sunday morning looking at the world through new eyes...I have never seen so much destruction in my life..when all I can hear coming out of my mouth for a solid 5 minutes is "Oh my God.." and I can't even put into words the feeling that I had...I knew that day would stick with me forever...The pictures, the video's, the news broadcasts..they tell you nothing...until you see first hand and meet familys that have been displaced..there life is changed forever...you cannot get the whole picture of what it was like...

I feel as though I cant do enough..I feel a tug that says "jessica..you have to do more..", When I looked into the eyes of a mother holding her 3 month old newborn baby...and her home was in shreds on the ground and all that was left is the concrete slab..with her 5 year old daughters shoes laying on the front lawn that was once tucked safely in her closet...When I looked into those eyes..Is saw despair..I saw fear..I saw a mother that was trying to figure out where to start...how to piece back together the life that had just been shattered...I gave her diapers, wipes, gift cards...and anything else I could think to give..but I still left with tears in my eyes because I felt like I needed to do  more...

I keep asking myself..why God layed it on my heart to go to Tuscaloosa...I have never felt as strongly about something as I did last Sunday when I made the final decition that I wanted to help..I knew,I needed to do it and I knew that God was leading in this direction for a purpose..I felt that maybe when I got to Tuscaloosa on Saturday that I would know exactly why he had lead me there but as I sit here and type..I still don't see a defining moment of clarity...he just has not made it clear to me yet...its like I know something is there...its    waiting on me to discover it...

I had the best talk with my Dad on Friday..and he brought something up to me that has had me thinking all weekend..my dream is to write a book someday..It's no secret by now that Travis and I are wanting to try to have a baby soon...but he told me to start writing my book before I have a baby..simply because he is afraid that if I have a baby right now then I won't ever get around to writing this book...He is right..thing is, I don't even know where to start...when you say "I am going to write a book"..it is such a daunting task..it is so huge that you dont even know where to begin...how to start...its like, you are out to sea with no land in sight...you swim and swim but you dont know which direction to swim in..and before you know it your lost...that's what I feel like...When I pointed this out to him...he looked at me with so much love and pride in his eyes that it took my breath away..he said "Baby, you have already started...go back from the beginning and read what all you have wrote...you have already started...you just have got to finish it." Is he right?? Writing is such a personal thing...your taking your heart out and laying it out for the world to see...Am I ready for that? Can I do it? Do I have what it takes? Am I just a little girl with a big dream?? Or is it just self doubt...

I am feeling somwhat down on myself today...Everyone has those days where you just feel like you could cry...today is that day for me...Something is weighing heavy on me and I just cant pin-point it down...

2 comments:

Gere Spivey May 13, 2011 at 7:47 PM  

I believe in you Jessica! :)

“Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checked by failure...than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.”

Jessica May 19, 2011 at 8:32 AM  

I just saw this comment this morning..and I needed to see this..THANK YOU!!!!

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