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"Inspiration.."

 Thursday, May 19, 2011

I have been praying inspiration here in the last couple of weeks...I have written many things...but..when I re-read what I have written something just sounds off...its missing something...then it hit me last week like a ton of bricks...I need some form of inspiration...so, everyday when I have my little talk with God in the shower or in my car...I ask him simply for some inpiration in whatever form he wants to send it in...and wouldnt you know it..God never fails..He sent me my ispiration this morning...Oddly enough, he just opened up my eyes so I could see it...but the inspiration came from inside me...

You see, I have a small little flash drive that I have had for years..it has been tucked away in my laptop bag collecting dust under my bed forgotten about...last night, I remembered this little flash drive and went to retrieve it..I brought it into work this morning to format it so I could give it to my step-mother..she has some pictures that I shot on her super fantastic camera (that I will have one just like at Christmas time) of Khristian playing ball...before I formatted it, of course I was looking at the documents that was saved..making sure I wasnt going to delete something of importance..suddenly I came across a Microsoft Word document labeled "Embrace"...I clicked on the document up popped this...


"Embrace..."

"Khristian,

It is 3 o"clock in the morning..you are 3 weeks and 2 days old....It is a Tuesday...and you are sleeping in your crib right beside my bed...I should be sleeping...but I keep getting up and walking over to look at you laying so soundly in your crib..I get up walk over there, gaze at you for a moment and then go lay back in my bed and stare at the cieling...this has been a ongoing process for a little while now..its like I can't really believe that your here..that your mine..that I am now responsible for another human life...but the last time I got up to go over to that crib and look at you...you lifted the right corner of your lip up in a smile at me...everyone else says that it's gas...but..I dont think so...that smile is what I needed right then...As tears made there way down my cheek..you smiled at me..and for a moment...the confusion..the sadness..the disbelief....disappeared for split moment.. which is why I am sitting here writing this to you now...

Every person has a story...when you first glance at someone you will see the outer appearance..but when you look into a person's eyes...their soul...you sometimes are lucky enough to get a glimpse of their story...Our story is just beginning...Although the beginning is filled with sadness and some not so ideal situations..I truly believe that the ending will be filled with nothing but happiness...I sit here tonight..or rather this morning...feeling lost...I have no idea how to care for you..I have no idea what I can teach you...and to be honest, I have no idea why God thought I was the one that should have you...I feel as though I am not good enough to be your mother..you are so sweet, young and innocent...you did not ask to be brought into this world under these circumstances...As you lay there sleeping..You do not know of worldly things such as fear..anger..sadness...hurt...You have not felt the sharp stab of someones betrayal...and as much as I would love to wrap you up in a cacoon and keep you from all this..I know one day you will feel each of those emotions...I can't keep you safe...I can try..but the world is so warped that evil lies around corner...As I read back over what I wrote I know I am not giving you the most postive ourlook on life...I want to prepare you...this world is not kind..it looks out for noone but itself...and it will swallow you up whole and spit you out...on the other hand...there is some goodness...for every piece of darkness out there..there is some light...gravitate to that light son...stay away from the darkness...do not let it drag you down...and do not give in to it...fight against it and always..always...keep that light of goodness that I see when I gaze down upon you...

At 18 years old, there is not much I can teach you....but there is so much that I want for you...I pray that you grown up to be noble...kind..generous..loving...trusting...and all the other things that a man is supposed to be...but I want to tell you some of the things that I hope for you that alot of people fail to mention....

I want you to embrace this life...grab on to it with all you have and don't let go...I want you to walk out into the sunshine and close your eyes and embrace the feel of the sunshine on your face...I want you to remember that feeling when the darkness sometimes feels like it will never go away...I want you to laugh...laugh as much as possibe...but when you laugh I want it to reach your eyes...to reach your soul...I want you to go out and be adventurous....don't be afraid...look fear in the eyes and make him back down...I want you to be a kid...a real kid that has no worries...play on the monkey bars..and swing as high as possible..so high that you feel like you are flying..I want you to always believe in the magic of Santa Claus, The tooth fairy, and the Easter Bunny...Believe in the impossible...I want you to see the world..all the sights..the smells...the feel...I want it all for you! Don't hold back...never hold back....go into this world thinking that it yours...it is your playground...own it...I want you to love with all your might...When you find that one perfect girl...the one that you know is the right one for you...don't walk away from her...hold her hand and love her...talk with her..be kind to her...and laugh with her...give her as much in return as she gives you...and when it is time for you to have a family of your own...Embrace them...Play with your kids..be a kid yourself again...never take them for granted...and pass on the light inside of you to them...My sweet baby boy..I want you to have such a zeal for life that it shines through you and is so infectious that people around you can't help but to catch it....Go into this world and make your own trail...your own path...and walk slowly...take everything in...leave nothing out...because when you are old and grey I want you to smile and say...you have left no stone unturned...Please..I am begging you...Embrace this life...grab onto it..dont let opportunites pass through your fingertips like sand at the beach...Go out into this world and write your own story..but make sure it is a story worth reading..and a story that you are proud of...A story that you gave your all to...When someone looks into your eyes...down into your soul...I want them to see what kind of man you are...Live..Dream...and follow your dreams...don't ever think something is beyond your reach...If you want it...make it happen...Don't ever wait around for someone else to make it happen...If you fail..pick yourself up and try again..it will make all your success's that much sweeter...don't ever doubt yourself...always always always believe in yourself...Again....Embrace it all my sweet baby boy...Embrace it...and dont let go....

You are awake now...you are laying in my arms drinking your bottle...so as I wrap this up...please know that I love you...I can't give you much...but I hope that you have heard my words...and more than heard them..I hope you feel them...

Good night sweet boy...

Love Always...
Mommy"


Inspiration can come in all sorts of forms...It will show up in the least expected spots...and will jump out at you...Inspiration can even come in the form of your own words being discovered a decade later... :)

2 comments:

Erick and Kristen Cedeno, and Abbi too! May 19, 2011 at 10:52 AM  

I LOVE this!!! You are so amazing!! I love reading your posts!! Love ya girl!!

Jessica May 19, 2011 at 3:11 PM  

Aww..Thank you so much!! I love reading yours to..and your pretty amazing yourself hun..I don't see how you and Erick do it sometimes! Love you to!!

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