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" Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.."

 Friday, September 9, 2011

"It was being a runner that mattered, not how fast or how far I could run... the joy was in the act of running and in the journey, not in the destination... We have a better chance of seeing where we are when we stop trying to get somewhere else... We can enjoy every moment of movement, as long as where we are is as good as where we'd like to be... That's not to say that you need to be satisfied forever with where you are today... But you need to honor what you've accomplished, rather than thinking of what's left to be done.."


If your a women, do me a favor...Close your eyes and envision your most delicious weakness...whether it be chocolate, cheesecake, cookies, cake....imagine it...you can taste every morsel of sweet goodness that oozes of it...you eat every single bite..and you enjoy it...right down to the very last crumb...you smile to yourself because it was just that good....you feel relaxed and happy...and satisfied....

For me...I don't get that feeling of satisfaction....I get all panicky on the inside...sure, I smile because I will never tell anyone what I am really thinking...I am already formulating in my head when my next gym trip will be so that I can work off that 500+ calories I just consumed...and then the guilt kicks in...When I go into the bathroom I raise my shirt up and look at my stomach and wonder if anyone can see the piece of cake that I just ate...Here is the problem with losing 115 pounds...I have learned that I will never be satisfied with the way I look...I will always want to lose more weight...look more toned...I work out almost everyday so that I can reach the imagine that I have in my head...truth be known, I don't really even know what the image is anymore...Its a never ending cycle..eat, workout, eat, workout....I wonder if I am the only one with this problem...I have a immence fear of gaining back my weight...it's not just some little bitty fear...but a very consuming one that sometimes can get exhausting...

When I was 230 pounds I never felt guilty for eating Mcdonalds french fries..or going to Dairy Queen and ordering a M&M blizzard...but now that I am at a healthy 135 pounds with leaner muscles than I have had in years...I worry all the time about what I put in my mouth...the calorie percentage...the sodium...the sugar...and this makes me worry about when the time does come that I get pregnant...How will I deal with the weight gain...

I started running about 2 years ago...and I have found that this is the only way to ease my anxiety about food and my weight issues...When I lace up my running shoes and hit that track or treadmill..music flowing through my ears...everything else just melts away...It is so easy for me to forget my daily struggles...my stress...my problems...its just me, the track and my music...As my feet hit the pavement..I find my rythme..my pace...I concentrate on my breathing patterns...and after about 5 minutes..my whole body is insync with itself...most days its my favorite part of my day...its the only time that I feel truly at ease with myself...I am not thinking about what bill I have to pay..what Khristian needs at school..what I have to do at work the next day...what family member I have made mad today by something I have said or written...what the number the scale says..Truth be known, Running has saved me from myself on most days...

Sure, I am happy with my accomplishments..losing weight and keeping it off is not easy...and I have done both...but people need to understand that the struggle does not end when you get to your "Ideal" size...it is a never ending battle with yourself...When I am at the gym and I see women in there working there butt off and sweating just as much as me...I find myself wanting to go over to them and say "You should be proud of yourself"...I want to give them that extra little bit of motivation because I have been there and I know how important that is...I know that struggle...and I want to let them know they are not alone in it...I wish I could tell them that it gets easier..but I know that it won't...

At the end of the day..All I can do is strap on my running shoes on...and hit the open pavement with my music playing in my ears...because thats where my troubles melt away...






5 comments:

Vic September 10, 2011 at 7:47 AM  

No One Understands us unless they've battled it themselves! I was anorexic/bulimic in high school and it stopped when I got pregnant-after my daughter i was self concious and wanted to lose all that 70 pds quick so i was obsessed with Tae-Bo! i gained so much with my second child too! took forever to lose that and now i still am 15 pds heavier than what i want to be-but i'm not obsessed with being thin, i think it's a matter of control-my life is now under control and as much as I'd like to strut on the beach in a skinny bikini---i still do minus the skinny and I'm perfectly okay with that! I'm healthy, I do what I can to make my body feel good and as long as my body is telling me i'm good where I am, then I'm in love with some chunk that i can't possibly get rid of, the dimples on my ass and the stretch marks these 2 beauties gave to me!

all in all---the more you grow---the more you understand why you love yourself and the outer appearance means nothing! I mean, I have to wear a hair net to work and look silly---but that doesn't stop me from giving compliments and smiling contagiously to my customers!

I'm not saying you'll ever overcome this feeling because i know how you feel---what i'm saying is that the older you do grow, the less you think about it. :) xoxo

Kayleigh September 11, 2011 at 6:58 PM  

Its awesome that you have worked so hard to get yourself into better shape. You look awesome!

Hopefully one day you will realize that you are perfect the way you are and not worry all the time about gaining the weight back.

My whole family has weight issues and my weight goes up and down all the time but ive never had the energy to start working out. I always end up going on some type of diet. losing the weight, gaining it back and then getting back on the diet again. Its a never ending cycle.

i get on the scale every morning and even if ive lost a few pounds i still feel the need to lose more. Even when i was at my lowest weight since middle school, i still wanted to lose more. I think its just how our mind works. Nothing is ever good enough, and then you see all these people and compare yourself to them (at least i do) and everyone is always better looking or skinnier than me, even if in reality they aren't.

Its not fun.

Monique September 13, 2011 at 1:25 PM  

I can definitely relate! When I have lost weight, I lived in fear that anything I did would rebound me back to where I started. Things changed when I became pregnant and the lbs flooded back on and the fear grips tight. I am searching for the moment I feel satisfied with myself.
PS. I'm your newest follower!

Jessica September 15, 2011 at 11:10 AM  

@ Vic - Thank you so much! Soem of your comments made me laugh out loud..and you are so right..nobody understands unless they have been in our shoes! I hope one day to be able to get to the place you are at and not obsess so much over it..You are beautiful! :)

@ Dean - Thank you for the compliment and for being becoming a follower! I love my readers!! :)

@ Kayleigh - Thank you so much...I try not to worry so much with what the scale says but it is just hard! Its like it is sitting there taunting me! You are not the only one that compares yourself..I to do the same thing ALL THE TIME! I hope to one day kick the old habit of obsessing and just accept my body the way it is...but it just seems like that day will never arise! BTW- You are gorgous just the way you are! :)

@ Monique - First Thank you so much for becoming my newest reader! :) I think we all long for the day that we truly feel satisfied with ourselves...I know I sure do! Sometimes I just have to take a step back (As I do with all my problems) and tell myself to just breathe...(hence the title of my blog.. :) I have never met your but I am sure you are beautiful! :)

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