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 Thursday, February 7, 2013

"Passion is a feeling that tells you: this is the right thing to do... Nothing can stand in my way... It doesn't matter what anyone else says.... This feeling is so good that it cannot be ignored.... I'm going to follow my bliss and act upon this glorious sensation of joy...” 

Do we know what we want in life? Almost everyone wants happiness... a person wants to be successful in everything they set out to do... This is the main goal for just about everyone in this world because getting somewhere in life is the ultimate goal...not just getting somewhere in life but to enjoy get everything possible you can out of really live....We often ask ourselves: how we can achieve this tremendous task? In my opinion, the first step is to show passion... Yes, passion. Generally passion is defined* as a powerful emotion, such as love, and joy, even hate at times...To take that a step further passion means to have care... and most importantly to do whatever it takes to be be find what you love...and hold onto it...because honestly, if you aren't passionate about something ...anything....then your not really living... are you?

A little over a year ago, Travis and I found out our prayers had been answered...We were going to have a baby and our family was going to be complete. It was a time of such excitement...I remember Travis and I were like little kids to begin with...we had a secret that only the two us of knew...We wanted to revel in this news before telling anyone else...We were giddy with happiness...As you all know, things went downhill slowly after that and my pregnancy became one of many stress' and scares...what you all do not know is how it impacted me mentally...

Let me stop here and point out that I am a self proclaimed fitness and health addict...I workout like there is no tomorrow and I love living the healthy lifestyle...I worked hard to lose 115 lbs...and I worked even harder at keeping it workout obsession soon turned from just working out to running...I found running to be my outlet. I was stressed..go for a run...I wanted a good workout...go for a run...I needed time alone...go for a run...I needed to think...go for a run. Running became a passion of just wasn't something that I did to lose weight became something so much became a part of me...there was no better feeling to me than lacing up my shoes and running until my lungs felt like they were going to burst and my legs were like jello...and at the end of my run..when my breathing was labored...and I couldnt speak...that is when I could "Just breathe" the best...sounds weird, I know...but if your a runner then you understand exactly what I am talking about...I was logging more and more miles...and with every mile I felt a sense of accomplisment. I had set goals for myself...It started with losing weight but evolved way past goal was to run 3 miles straight without stopping...crushed that one...then 5 miles....again, crushed that one and so on.... I love seeing what my body can do and how far I can push it....watching it transform in front of your eyes is such a magical's the passion of being a runner...

At the beginning of my pregnancy I was gungho that I was going to work out my whole entire pregnancy and stay fit...and I was going to continue to run...I was going to show everyone that you could continue being fit even while carrying a child....needless to say that bubble was busted rather quickly....Almost 12 weeks into my pregnancy my doctor advised against running due to the amount of problems I was having...the bouncing motion could aggitate what was going on inside my body and endanger my unborn child...I couldn't lift anything over 25 lbs and was told to limit my activity and not to stress my body..Of course, I wanted to do what was needed to protect our precious child that we had prayed so hard I complied to the doctor's orders...To say I was a little lost is a understatement...not only was I dealing with the ever lingering thought that something could possbily happen to my baby,,,but I also had to give up running...I didnt know what to do...normally when I was stressed or worried I went for a run...but I couldnt do that anymore...I was giving up something that had become such a part of who I was...

I continued to workout when I could...and finally around 20 weeks the bleeding I was experiencing slowed until it finally stopped all together...then we had to go to UAB in Birmingham to have some test run for the fear of Cystic Fibrosis...with a huge sigh of relief we left UAB with smiles because our princess looked great...we had turned the corner in our pregnancy and we prayed that my 3rd trimester would be stress free..

Through all of this I tryed to keep a positive outlook...tryed being the key word....half way through the pregnancy I started to sense a difference in myself...I have always been a very social outgoing person...I found myself drawing myself in...not wanting to talk to anyone...not wanting to see friends...even my family...I started canceling plans with friends and making excuses as to why I couldnt go...I didn't want to be around anyone...I just wanted to stay home...Travis would ask if I wanted to go out to eat...the answer was always no...I used to love getting dressed up and going out to eat on Saturday nights...but that had lost its luster...I no longer wanted to get out and do anything....I was closing in...I was irritable...and moody..and I was someone quite frankly who I wouldnt have even wanted to be around. I started going to the gym more after the problems simmered down and lifted what weights I could and got on the elliptical...but it just didnt have the same draw as running...I was searching for that breathe of fresh air feeling that I got after matter what I did I couldnt find it....I realize I sound selfish...complaining about something so trivial while my babys life could have been in danger...but arent we all selfish at times?

I was counting down the days until I had her....I wanted to see her sweet hold see this beautiful creation that Travis and I had created...I was also counting down the days to where I could lace up the shoes and go for a nice long mind clearing run...I thought that after I had her that I would go back to being perkiness would return and I would become the "old" jessica again. Wrong....I actually think I got worse...Don't get me wrong, I loved having my daughter in my arms and every second I get to spend with her is a amazing....but I was still not myself...I had lost interest in the things that I once found enjoyment in working out...I was still canceling plans and making excuses to friends and family...I didnt know what was wrong with me...

Over the course of the last 7 months, I have gotten some better but still....I had fallen in a rut...same thing day in and day out...same routine...I was struggling to find time to workout...time to run...I couldnt just go anytime I wanted to anymore because I had Bailey now...heck, I was struggling just to find time just to paint my felt like things were just out of my control....I knew something was missing...and I figured it out recently...passion..accomplisment....I needed something to jump start me again...I needed to feel that sense of accomplishment like I did in the very I set a goal for myself...starting in January of 2013 I was to start training to run a full marathon in December of 2013...that gives me a full year to train...I liked seeing how far I can push my body and what better way to do it than running 26.2 miles, right?

There it was..I felt a little bit of that old spark...I wanted more than a spark though...thats when I recieved a wonderful invitation...In the last 3 weeks I have been getting up and going running with a amazing set of runners at 4:45 in the morning... 4 days a week...before the sun rises...before Travis, Khristian and even Bailey is awake...I get to run...not only do I get to run...but I get to push myself... and I get to breathe again...This group of runners makes me want to be better...makes me want to be as good as them...right now I am way behind them...but some day...I will be up there with them...running beside them...the spark that I felt is now a large fire that has been ignited...I thank them for this...

I am back...I feel the last 3 weeks I feel more like myself than I have in over a year...even Travis has noticed a difference...I have found that I am slowly becoming the "Jessica" that I used to be...I don't know what will happen when the time comes when I get so old that my poor old knees can no longer support me running...I can't tell you because I am not looking that far ahead...right now, I have another goal to accomplish....26.2 miles.... =)


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