"136...."

"I am beginning to measure myself in strength... not pounds..." 

136... That is my number...

 You may be wondering what that number means....It could mean the number of miles I have ran this year....It could mean the number of e-mails I have in my inbox...the number of texts to my best friend....the number of days till my birthday...the number of paperclips I have on my desk. It could even be the number of dark chocolate M&M's I have hidden in my purse.... Truth be known, it is none of these....

136...that is my number...on the scale...that is the number that I used to let rule me...and still do on occasion. Often times, I have let that number determine if I was going to have a good day...or a bad day...whether I was going to feel good about myself that day....or absolutely hate everything I saw in the mirror that day...why I would look in the mirror and point out every single flaw on my body. That number was the reason I have spent hours upon hours in the gym...and meticulously counting every single calorie I put in my mouth. I gave that number so much power over me it's ridiculous...I hated the scale but then I couldn't stay away from it...I told myself that I would not weigh today because I didn't want to see that number...but as the day went on I would think about it...non-stop...and the not knowing always got me...so when I would get home...I would hop on the scale...

Why do we do this? Why do we let a single number rule us ladies? Are we not beautiful if that number is the ideal "perfect"....Does that number determine if we have a great personality...or a great sense of humor? Does that number determine who is going to love us that day?

Why does that number determine if we love our self that day or not??

One day, I woke up and was just tired...not in the physical sense...but just emotionally....I was tired of letting this number control my life...I was tired of letting this number dictate how my day was going to go...and I was just tired of looking at this number as the enemy. I wanted to become friends with my scale...I know that this will likely never happen...but I wanted to at least be able to step up on it and feel at peace with the number it provided me with. I realized in order for me to do this...I had to change my way of thinking...I had to change the way I viewed that number. That is not a easy thing to do...considering the fact that my mind was trained to loathe the scale.

I started with tiny little things... I had to quit getting on the scale EVERY SINGLE DAY....Let me tell you...It was easier for me to give up Dr. Pepper soft drinks than it was for me to stop getting on the scale...It drove me crazy not knowing...but I held strong...after 1 very...very...long week...I stepped on the scale completely scared...and to my surprise I had lost 2 pounds! I couldn't believe it...I hadn't done anything different...I continued my healthy eating...my running...and working out...the only difference was, I was not stressing daily over that stupid, silly number...So I went 2 weeks without getting on the scale...and then three...with each week it became easier and easier to avoid the scale...to not "have" to get on it...I added more running to my training routine...more miles...I added some very intense workout sessions with some workout partners who are just as health conscious and determined as I am...these people push me to do my best...and go beyond my comfort zone...and do you want to know what has happened? I have lost a total of 13 pounds and gained more confidence in myself...I no longer look at that number as evil...that number has somewhat become my friend...notice I said somewhat...I still have my days like everyone else where I let that sneaky little voice in...where I let that voice get inside my head and plant nasty little thoughts...but then I get on the ground and do 20 pushups and not even break a sweat...that shuts that nasty little voice up...

I no longer look at that number and think of how horrible it is....I look at that number with pride...because at 136 I can run 4 to 5 miles on a daily basis...and 6 to 10 on the weekend...I can now do a pull up (which I have never been able to do in my whole 29 years of being on this earth)...I can do full blown pushups without having to put my knees on the ground...I can see muscle definition that I have never been able to see before...I can do box jumps that I was not able to do 2 months ago...I can do some exercises that I have only been able to look at in the magazines...I am currently working on being able to master that handstand pushup...and I will master it...you wait and see...I no longer want to be skinny...I want to be strong...I want to do what others can not or are to afraid to do...

At 136, I am in a size 6...I am curvy...I have hips and my thighs touch when I walk...my stomach has flab on it...I am not ashamed of this..My body has gone through a transformation of sorts....and I know it is not done yet. As I continue to train to run 26.2 miles, I know that many other changes will take place...but I will no longer let that number rule me...I am healthy...I am strong...and that number is just a number...

I no longer measure myself in numbers....I measure myself in strength... =)