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"Black and White with some Gray mixed in..."

 Tuesday, January 15, 2013

"Sometimes it's better to stop trying to make sense of things... Life isn't clear cut, there are always gray areas...."


So many times in the last month I have sat down at this keyboard and tried to write....so many times I have sat here staring at a blank screen....the cursor sitting there... blinking at me...taunting me...there have been words in my mind that I knew I needed to get out but when it came time to put them down ...my mind froze and became a blank canvas....the words just would not come...no matter how hard I tryed squeezing them out...they would not come....

It is not from the lack of things in my life to write about...change is a constant right now...there is always a different story to be told...from my decision to run a full marathon in December/2013 to the suicide of my son's middle school friend due to the immense amount of bullying she faced....but finding the exact words to convey the story I want to write is the problem...until today....

I have the urge to write...so write I shall do...

Yesterday, we had a member of our church tell the congregation that she was pregnant...you could see the mixed reactions among the faces of everyone at church without a word being spoken....the reason...she is 16. Now, most of you know this is a topic that is near and dear to my heart due to the fact that I was, in fact, a teenage mother at the age of 17. Her situation is quite a bit different than mine...she already has a support system in place with her family and the boyfriend is commited to her and the baby at this time..We all know that is subject to change but for her sake,I pray not....I was talking to her after the service ended and she was asked the question "Are you going to get married?" ... Her response..."Eventually we will"...  I may have overstepped my boundaries a little bit but I could not help it...I looked her and I boldly stated  the the best piece of advice my daddy told me right after I had Khristian was this  "Just because you have a baby does NOT mean you have to get married..." It was very quiet after that...I could feel the uncomfortable silence of some...

I love my church...believe me, I do...and I love the congregation...we are a very small country church...we know everyone by name...where they live...and are more like a family than just church members....Travis' parents met there...married there...had Travis and raised him there...they have watched me grow in my faith the last 7 years...watched Khristian grow from a tiny 4 year old to the 11 year old young man he is now...and recently watched and supported as we expanded our family with our beautiful daughter....but our church is filled with an older generation of people that hold on to the older beliefs...this also includes Travis' mom...

We started a conversation yesterday during our weekly Sunday lunch...and it has bothered me every since...I am not quite sure why but it has consumed my thoughts for the last 24 hours...maybe its because I have the utmost respect for her..and sometimes I wish I had the same amount of heart that she does...her sincerity and genuine concern for people is truly something remarkable...We live in a society where that is a lost trait...

She does not agree with my statement...in short, she believes that once the baby was concieved the two teens should get married and make it "right"...she and Travis' dad are very devout in their faith so I guess I sort of knew where they stood on this issue....she gave bible verses that back up her belief...and as much as I try to listen and look at things from others point of view...I have a hard time accepting this...It is a proven fact that 90 % of all teens that get married as a result of a pregnancy will end in divorce in less that 2 years....the reason...at 16/17 years old you are not capable of understanding what "marriage" really entails...marriage is work...it is fun but it is work....you do so much changing and growing from the young age of 16 to 19...and then again from 19 to 21...you mature..you grow...you learn...you really start to expierence life...Basically, you grow up...and your partner grows up....and sadly, you grow apart...

I told told her that yes the bible does indeed prefer marriage and is against a child out of wedlock...but isnt the bible also against divorce....you get married out of love...not out of necessity...why would you subject yourself, your partner, and the child to a marriage and a commitment only to see it fail and still not live the life that the bible intended for you to...It's almost setting yourself up for failure...I know this is not all cases...there is that rare couple that get married as a young teenage couple and they live a long, happy marriage filled with love, laughter and smiles...but those are very rare occations...especially in this day and age with a society that uses the term "marriage" so loosly..I could feel myself getting a little upset...so I did what I could to curb the conversation to another topic...I ended the conversation with this statement.. "I don't believe that eveything is so black and white...I believe sometimes there is a gray area...and the answers are not always so clear cut..."
I can't help but to ask myself the question....What if my parents had pushed for marriage...what if they had sat me down and told Khristian's biological father and I...  "Now that you have created a child  you need to get married and  to make it "right"....Do you know how different my life would be...how different Khristians life would be...What does making it "right" it even mean....Are you making it right in the eyes of God....Are you making it right for yourself....Are you making it right for your significant other...For the child....So what exactly does "Making it right" mean....

I try not to question the bible...but I think that is our human instinct...to question everything...I know that Travis' mom meant no harm in her words...she is part of a older generation that see's our society in some ways as it was 50 years ago...but sadly, it is not...it is not uncommon to see 16 year olds getting pregnant these days...we have school shooting in the news almost on a weekly basis...we have 11 year olds commiting suicide...we have more and more violence and destruction....parents and children face things now that society did not face 50 years ago...

There is one thing she said that I whole heartedly agree with...when I told her how society had changed in the last 5 decades...she looked at me and said very matter of factly..."Society has changed but God has not..."  She is right...God has not changed...he is the same loving God now that he was then...and for that I am thankful...

I don't know exactly what I am trying to say in this post...I am conflicted I guess...I believe in the bible...I believe in doing what you feel is morally right...and I believe in being the best person you can be...I believe in prayer...and forgiveness....

Lastly, I believe there is a gray area...I believe that sometimes that there is not a "right" answer..but in the same breath, there is not a wrong answer either....It is not Black...its not White....its just Gray...





1 comments:

Dana Graves January 15, 2013 at 11:39 AM  

love it. I too believe marriage shouldnt be for convenience but for love. REAL love. Marrying because of pregnancy is a fallacy in my opnion...keep tellin em sista..;)

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