"Your true opponent..."

There is nothing worse than the crushing feeling of disappointment within yourself...you feel it with every beat of your heart..it pulses through you...it takes over your thoughts..and it just crushes your spirit...at that point, you have 2 choices...Let it consume you and give up...or... fight and do something about it...

This past Saturday, my step-mother (Gina) and I were planning on running in a half marathon...we were set on running it until we saw the registration price..now, although I am a bit frugal, I don't mind paying $30 or possbly $40 dollars to run one of these things..but $75 was a bit much for me...All I could think about what bill I could be paying with that money..that Christmas was coming up soon...Travis needs some new jeans..and so on..my frivalous selfish side wanted nothing more than to enter and nab my shirt and medal at the end of the race..but my more responsible adult side knew that I really didnt need to spend that money..Point being..I just couldnt fork over the cash...

My step-mom and I were in complete agreement over this..I think for both of us the main reason we wanted to enter is to prove to ourselves that we could actually complete it..It wasn't about the shirt..the few little gifts they gave you..or the medal...it was purely about the sense of accomplishment we would both feel as we crossed the finish line...and we wanted to do it together...Instead of letting this stop us...Gina mapped us out 13.1 miles around the city of Troy..On Saturday morning as 300+ runners were strapping on their running shoes..pinning a number on their shirt...and waiting on the word "Go"...Gina and I were stepping outside her front door..putting our Ipods in our ears..determination beating in our hearts..and we started running our very own half marathon...We even had our own little cheering section..my Daddy and Uncle followed us in the car..stopping ever so often to give us a drink of water... a napkin to wipe our face...a thumbs up sign...or just a encouraging smile..
I was already working against myself from the very beginning..the excuses rambled out of my mouth..."My sinuses have been acting up".."I didn't sleep very well last night"... "It's to early..." Gina just popped her gum in her mouth and said "You can do this...just go as far as you can.."

As we started out I said a small prayer for God to give me the strength...our pace was good..my breathing was perfect..the sun was coming up about mile 2...it was breathe taking as it set across the Troy Univeristy stadium...we were in our rythme...miles 3 and 4 passed by effortlessly..I started thinking that this goal was actually within my reach..that I really could finish this...with every mile that passed I felt more confident..I felt great...then came mile 5...I had been having some trouble with my left hip..and this is when it decieded to start rearing its head...the pain was minimal at first...so I slowed my pace a bit and kept going...the more I ran though..the worse it hurt..Mile 6 came.. we stopped to grab a sip of water...It was at this point I let the doubt  pass through my mind...about half way through mile 6, I felt a sharp pain in my hip that took my breathe..I couldnt help it...I had to stop..My dad pulled up beside us and Gina told me to ride a little bit and let my hip rest...I got in that car with the worst feeling of disappointment...it felt like a rock in the pit of my stomach...I hated the feeling of defeat..the feeling of giving up...it was hot and burning in my stomach and then more it burned the madder I got with myself...at one point, I was almost in tears...

On the next stop, I got out of the car..ready to try again...my concentration was shot by this point...I tryed finding my pace..but my mind was on how bad my hip hurt..I turned my music up full blast...prayed a silent prayer again to God.."Please God, give me the strength to finish this..please help me through..I want this so bad..." I ran for a bit more but just couldnt get my head back in the game...It felt like my hip was grinding against something...It was at this time, I accepted total defeat..I stopped running..got in the car...and stared out the window...that rock grew larger in my stomach...I hated the taste of defeat..the taste of giving up..it felt bitter in my mouth...I could feel the disappointment with myself grow with every minute I rode...My dad tryed making me smile...my Uncle told me how good I did...I couldnt hear it..All I could hear were my own thoughts saying "You gave up...I knew you couldnt do this..."  The thoughts were deafening...

One the next stop..I didnt even think..I grabbed my Ipod and opened the door...as Gina rounded the curve I stepped into pace with her..I was determined to finish this with her..regardless of the pain..I was going to do this...the feeling of disappointment can drive you...it can give you strength...and I pushed through the pain...my body was literally screaming at me to stop..I refused to listen and even entertain the idea of giving up again...I have no idea were new found strength came from..but I know what was driving it..determination....when I felt like I couldnt take the pain any longer..I slowed to a walk for a few seconds...walked it out then started running again..Through all this, Gina stayed right with me...she never gave up...We were on the home stretch..I could taste success...it was taking the place of that bitter feeling I had earlier...I told Gina that we were running it out..no stopping till we got to the finish line..no matter how much it hurt..In those last few minutes..It felt like my hip was on fire..and I wanted to stop and walk so badly..but the drive to finish stronge ovetook the pain...I pushed on..and finally the finish came into view....we finished 13.1 miles in 2 hours and 25 minutes...

When all is said and done...I ran about 11 and half..and walked and rode about 2 miles...I learned something new about myself through this expierence...I hate the feeling of defeat..I now know what it means to push your body to the limit...and to surpass that limit...I have a fire within myself that I didnt even know I had...Sometimes, the feeling of disappointment within yoursef can be the best thing to happen to you...its all up to you to make that choice...give up or fight...I chose to fight...

In the end, your true opponent is never really the player on the other side of the field... the swimmer in the next lane... or even the distance between here and the finish line....your opponent is yourself...your negative internal voices..the ones that get in your ear and whisper, planting those nasty seeds of doubt... It is up to you to determine your level of determination...how much grit you have...just how much heart you have..and strive forward with a strength you never knew you had...and only then... can you overcome anything... =)