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"What the books didn't tell you about Motherhood..."

 Wednesday, October 12, 2011

"When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said. "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one." ....And God said, "Have you read the specs on this order?" ...She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts...all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands." ...The angel shook her head slowly and said. "Six pairs of hands.... no way." ...It's not the hands that are causing me problems," God remarked, "it's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have." ...That's on the standard model?" asked the angel. God nodded...."One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say. 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word." ...God," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "Get some rest tomorrow...." ...I can't," said God, "I'm so close... Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick...can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger...and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower." ...The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed. ...But tough!" said God excitedly. "You can imagine what this mother can do or endure." ...Can it think?" said the Angel ...Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator...Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek...."There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model." ...It's not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear." ....What's it for?" said the Angel..."It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride." ...You are a genius, " said the angel... Somberly, God said, "I didn't put it there..."

 
Everyone likes to tell you how great being a mother is..how all warm and fuzzy it makes you...how when they smile at you..your heart just simply melts...yes..while all this is true..It is not always fuzzy hugs..and warm kisses..and just absolute bliss...what people like to leave out of all those fun details of motherhood  is how heartbreakingly hard it is...how sometimes instead of preventing your child from hurting..you are the cause of why they are hurting..why they are crying...and sometimes you as a Mother have to make decisions..hard tough decisions...and most of the time, you have no idea what to do...your heart is pulling you in one direction..your mind and sensibility is pulling in another...and all through this you are supposed to be putting on a confident face for your child to see..so that they won't know the internal battle going on within yourself...so that they won't see you faltering..or your lack of parenting skills...you have to be the face of calm assurance..regardless of the complete crushed feeling you have on the inside...

I think last night was the second hardest night of my life as a mother...The first, of course being when we told Khristian that Travis was not his biological dad...and then there is last night....my heart feels so heavy right now...even as I sit here and type this my eyes are tearing up...they already burn from the endless amount of them I cryed last night..5th grade has been tough on Khristian this year...honestly, Khristian has never really been a straight A student..school just doesnt hold his attention...he understands that he has to make the grades..but it is a constant struggle for him...we have had some issues from the very beginning due to his grades...and here recently, it has progressed into grades..attitude...lying...and so forth...

Let me stop here for a moment so that you will understand why this is so hard for me...Football is Khristian's passion...he loves it...I have never seen him more happy than when he is out there on that field...at 7 years old when he made his very first tackle..he walked straight to me and said "Mom..this is what I was made to do!" It makes my heart smile when I see him play...he is good..that is not just me being a biased mother...He is GOOD...he is a complete natural out there...Sure he plays every other sport imaginable..but football is truly where is heart is...

I have threatened him with football before...I have never followed through with it...I have always backed down and allowed him to play..because he loves it..and we love to see him play...but yesterday...it was time to follow through with the one threat that I have never stuck with...I pulled him from the team...it may not sound like that heartbreaking of a decision..but believe me...if you knew what football meant to that little boy then you would understand...nothing else seems to be getting through to him...and believe me..he is not a bad kid...he really isnt...he can be the sweetest child..and the most generous with such a big heart...but like all children..he tryes to push his boundaries just to see how far he can go sometimes...and it is our jobs as parents to teach them that if they choose to make a bad choice..break the rules...make bad grades...then there is consequences, right? Right?? Furthermore...we as parents have to be consistent in the consequences that we have set in place for said rule breaking...right?? Thats what all the parenting books say...you have to be consistent...but what they fail to mention to you...is how unbelievably bad it makes you feel...how much it hurts your heart...

I felt my heart break into a million peices when I drove that little boy to practice last night...and watched  him break down into tears as he told his coach and teammates that he was off the team...I just wanted to jump in and say "Nevermind Khristian...I change my mind...you don't have to do this.." but that wouldn't have been me being consistent, right...When he sat in the backseat on the way home and cryed his little heart out..I wanted to jump in the backseat with him...and console him... wanted to say how sorry I was...I wanted to beg him not to hate me...

Tell me, all you "Parenting" books...did I do the right thing.. Why don't I feel good about it... Why do I feel as though my heart is crushed just as much as his... Why have I spent the last 12 hours doubting myself...and second guessing if I did the right thing...the choices that I make are going to shape the kind of man this little boy is going to be...what if I made the wrong one..? I feel this huge weight of guilt..Travis has helped coach Khristian's team since he was seven years old...he had already stated that this would be his last year coaching..for the mere fact that Khristian needed to learn to be out there on the field without him for a year before he moves on to the middle school football team...I feel like I took this last year away from Travis...I feel like I cheated both of them...put simply..I feel guilty...

As a mother, we are often the parent who is referred to as "Soft"...but in the end it is us mothers that are expected to have nerves of steel...we are expected to fix everything...to kiss the boo boo and make it better...to heal the broken heart...to have the right answer's...I am none of those things...I feel like a blind stranger fumbling around in this thing called "Motherhood"..trying to figure out what the heck I am doing...You would think after 10 years I would know...but I am still just as lost now as I was at 17...

This morning as Khristian and I were eating breakfast together..which we never do..but I felt like I needed to..I feel like the worst mother and I was trying to make myself feel better and ease some of the guilt...Khristian looked up at me and said "You know I don't hate you, right? Because I could never hate you momma...I love you.." 

Now...if only I could stop hating myself...

7 comments:

Sandra October 15, 2011 at 4:36 PM  

Nothing says you can't change your mind and let him go back on the team. Not that I'm an expert, but I think if you are doubting your decision this much and if it is causing you this much pain, then maybe this isn't the solution for you and your child. Again: not an expert, far from it! But you're the mom. You get to call the shots. Maybe this was enough to let Kristian see the light and maybe smarten up?

Laura@Catharsis October 16, 2011 at 1:09 PM  

Oh, Jessica. You most certainly made the right decision, and it sounds like you have a very wise little boy. He understands why you did what you did, even if it hurts him. It's a punishment. It's not supposed to feel good. The thing we aren't taught, however, is that many times, the punishment takes the greatest toll on the parents. By sticking to this threat, you have proven to your son that you mean business. He will make better decisions in the future, will think things through, will realize what's at stake. He will be a better person. I know that's hard to imagine now, but it's true. You are doing your job the right way. It's a hard job. It's the hardest there is. Good for you, girl.

Leon Gore October 17, 2011 at 3:44 AM  

Hi Jessica, I cannot add up to what Laura and Sandra commented on your situation . The only thing I can say is that parenting really is a difficult task and no amount of parenting books can truly cover everything although they are very useful. The thing is parenting books and resources are road map that guides us parents in our quest to reach that destination of where we can see our child grown into somebody who we can be proud, someone who became a successful useful citizen of the world. But how we drive through those roads , it is our call. I like your blog.

Jessica October 18, 2011 at 3:36 PM  

I have the absolute best readers!!! Thank you guys for your encouragement...After a week has passed and things have settled a little bit from last week..I can honestly say that I made the right decision! Khristian understands why I did what I did...and in the long run, he will thank me for it!

Sara Louise October 18, 2011 at 11:26 PM  

I don't have any children myself, but I just wanted to let you know that I think you were very brave and strong to make this decision and stick by it. I can't even imagine how difficult this has been for you. Hang in there :-)

Jessica October 19, 2011 at 10:19 AM  

Thank you so much Sara..I truly appeciate that! =)

Monique October 19, 2011 at 9:28 PM  

For what it is worth (since I don't have children, yet) I think you did the right thing! You taught your son an extremely valuable lesson - to hold himself accountable and to be responsible for his actions. While the pain of seeing him hurt stings right now, the joy of knowing you raised a good and honest boy will radiate forever. Bravo, Mama!

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