" A kind heart..."

“Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind... the second is to be kind... and the third is to be kind...”




Often times we try to teach our children about the less fortunate people in this world...about the children that do not have name brand clothes or shoes...about the girl and boy that sit alone in the lunchroom that doesnt have many friends because they may be considered "different"...There are very few things that I try to shelter Khristian from... because honestly...whether we want to admit it or not... its reality...I want him to be fully prepared when he is approached with certain situations in this crazy world and I want him to know how to handle them...

 From the time that Khristian was very small I have always tried to instill in him the importance of helping others in need...every Christmas we go to the dollar tree and get things together to make up several shoeboxes to send to children that are less fortunate that we are...I have made him go through his toys periodically so that we could donate them...he takes canned food to school food drives and so forth.. I try to teach him kindness...that one person is no better than another...and that having a kind heart, along with manners, hard work and giving your very best will get you along way in this world...


Sometimes, I don't really know if what I am teaching him is actually sinking in and making a difference or just going in one ear and right out the other...and then instances like yesterday happen..God sends us little signs to let us know we are right on target....and it just makes my heart smile...

I don't mind using Khristian's real name in my blog because he is my son but for the privacy of this little girl and her family I will keep her name private..we will call her "Jane"...

Earlier this week, I overheard a conversation going on between Khristian and Jane...Jane was telling Khristian how much she liked his Zigs tennis shoes...(now personally, I dont see what the big deal is about these Zigs but apparently they are the big thing among kids in school right now ) and Khristian reponded by saying "Yeah I like them to..my mom and dad bought them for me because I really wanted them..they are so cool! You should get a pair!"  Jane got a little sad in the face and told him that she asked her parents but they said no because they cost to much...a couple other things were said before I intervened and suggested another topic of conversation....Later that night, I explained to Khristian again that some childrens parents couldnt afford the nice things like what he has...and there is nothing wrong with that.. that the brand of clothing or shoes that we have on does not define who we are as a person....and we shouldnt brag about what we have because it makes the other person feel bad...He told me he wasnt meaning to brag..to which I told him that I knew he wasnt..but I just wanted to remind him so that he could keep that in the back of his mind if a similiar situation arose again...

We had told Khristian to have his Christmas list us before October 31 so that we could get his list to Santa early and beat the crowd...we told him it could be no longer than 25 things....so, a week ago he presented us with a list of 25 things that is now on the front of the refrigerator...It has everything that a typical 10 year old athletic boy would ask for on there...a X-box 360, some UnderArmour shirts and shorts, a new pair of sperry shoes, a couple of toys that he wants, and so forth.... Not exactly a cheap list but it is do-able....I woke up yesterday morning...came in the kitchen to fix my coffee and found Khristian standing on a stool doing something to the list...I asked him what he was doing...before he answered me he grabbed a pen and wrote something in place of what he had erased...he then turned around and said "Mom...I thought about it all night...I already have a pair of Zigs and a pair of Sperrys..I dont need a new pair so I erased that from my list and instead asked Santa to bring Jane a pair of pink Zigs for Christmas...I just know it will make her happy!" He had given up one of his things on the list and instead asked for something for Jane..All I could do was hug him...I bent down and kissed his forehead...and I told him that I was so very proud of him..that he has such a kind heart and to never lose that....It was one of the most unselfish things I have ever seen him do...He truly amazes me every day of my life..

Somehow...someway...there will be a pair of pink zigs up under my Christmas tree this year with a big bow that has Jane's name on top of them... =)

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" Silent conversations..."

"Silence..I discovered, is something you can actually hear...."

This morning, as I woke up extremly to early for some unknown reason...maybe it's all the numerous thoughts that keep running through my head that just won't shut up..or maybe it was the thought that I could enjoy a nice peaceful cup of coffee before the sun came up in silence...whatever the reason, I was up shortly after 5:30. I pulled on my comfy, warm Gap pants..started the coffee maker...and stood by in silent anticipation of my morning goodness...I grabbed my cup and filled it to the brim...snatched my oversized blanket off the back of the couch and gently opened the back door..afraid that If I made any sounds then I would shatter the peaceful silence...and stepped out back to quite a cold morning but It didnt matter...It was quiet...

While I sat there enjoying my 30 minutes of solitude before the choas of the day started...my mind started to wonder as it always does...Seriously, sometimes I don't understand how my small head can hold as many thoughts as it does without busting at the seams...Have you ever really sat and thought about the word silence in detail? What it means? By Wikipedias definition Silence is defined as : the relative or total lack of audible sound...often referred to as no sounds uttered by any body in a room and or area...Hmmm...while this is true I can't help but to think..silence never really is just silent..is it?

There are many forms of silence and each of them means a different thing...There is the silence that comes with the early morning where the world is quiet..There is silence after a rainstorm, and before a rainstorm, and these are not the same...There is the silence of emptiness... the silence of fear...the silence of doubt... There is a certain silence that can be heard from a lifeless object such as from a chair...or from a piano with old dust on its keys..There is angry silence...and there is comfortable silence...There is the silence that claims a picture on the wall....These are the kinds of silences that can speak... It's voice depends on which type it is... the chair may have been left by a laughing child or the last notes of the piano may have been played by happy family at Christmas time...the picture may have been taken on the happiest day of your life...the words from the picture are spoken from the look in your eyes... The angry silence may be unsaid words that are floating between one person to the next...just because they have not been spoken does not mean that you can't hear them loud and clear...The comfortable silence may take place between two friends that no words have to be spoken...you just know...Whatever the mood or the circumstance...the words are there... It is a soundless echo...

Silence can be golden but it can also be brutal...because in those unhinged moments when words have run out and you are now sitting in absolute utter complete silence....there is a unspoken conversation this is going on whether you recognize it or not...

I can remember clearly the day of my wedding...there was a  moment right before my dad walked me down the isle to Travis. I was beyong nervous and I was waiting on my cue to go through the double doors to walk to my future husband...My dad and I stood there in complete silence  but in that quiet moment he squeezed my hand and I looked at him and he smiled at me..."I love you and I am proud of you" is what that silent moment said. My mother and I have not spoken over some differences that we have since February of this year...Silence...there are no words that are being spoken but we both know what is being said. In April, the worst tornado's that my beautiful state of Alabama has ever seen...ripped through Tuscaloosa and the surrounding towns...destroying many people's homes, businesses, and lives....I told Travis and Khristian that for Mothers day all I wanted to do was go volunteer and help...While there I met a family that did not speak very much English and had lost their home along with most eveything they owned. As I was handing the mother a pack of diapers and wipes for her newborn baby...she hugged me so tight and when she finally let me go..the words were clear... "Thank you"..Last night, as I was sitting at the kitchen table doing endless amounts of homework and studing with Khristian...I looked over and Travis was cleaning the kitchen for me..I caught his eye from across the room and without saying a word...he understood how much him helping me out meant to me...

There are so many instances where silence really isn't silent...you can almost see the words hanging in the air...unspoken conversations are going on all around us...Even this morning, when all the world was silent around me... =)

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"What the books didn't tell you about Motherhood..."

"When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said. "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one." ....And God said, "Have you read the specs on this order?" ...She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts...all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands." ...The angel shook her head slowly and said. "Six pairs of hands.... no way." ...It's not the hands that are causing me problems," God remarked, "it's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have." ...That's on the standard model?" asked the angel. God nodded...."One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say. 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word." ...God," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "Get some rest tomorrow...." ...I can't," said God, "I'm so close... Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick...can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger...and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower." ...The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed. ...But tough!" said God excitedly. "You can imagine what this mother can do or endure." ...Can it think?" said the Angel ...Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator...Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek...."There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model." ...It's not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear." ....What's it for?" said the Angel..."It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride." ...You are a genius, " said the angel... Somberly, God said, "I didn't put it there..."

 
Everyone likes to tell you how great being a mother is..how all warm and fuzzy it makes you...how when they smile at you..your heart just simply melts...yes..while all this is true..It is not always fuzzy hugs..and warm kisses..and just absolute bliss...what people like to leave out of all those fun details of motherhood  is how heartbreakingly hard it is...how sometimes instead of preventing your child from hurting..you are the cause of why they are hurting..why they are crying...and sometimes you as a Mother have to make decisions..hard tough decisions...and most of the time, you have no idea what to do...your heart is pulling you in one direction..your mind and sensibility is pulling in another...and all through this you are supposed to be putting on a confident face for your child to see..so that they won't know the internal battle going on within yourself...so that they won't see you faltering..or your lack of parenting skills...you have to be the face of calm assurance..regardless of the complete crushed feeling you have on the inside...

I think last night was the second hardest night of my life as a mother...The first, of course being when we told Khristian that Travis was not his biological dad...and then there is last night....my heart feels so heavy right now...even as I sit here and type this my eyes are tearing up...they already burn from the endless amount of them I cryed last night..5th grade has been tough on Khristian this year...honestly, Khristian has never really been a straight A student..school just doesnt hold his attention...he understands that he has to make the grades..but it is a constant struggle for him...we have had some issues from the very beginning due to his grades...and here recently, it has progressed into grades..attitude...lying...and so forth...

Let me stop here for a moment so that you will understand why this is so hard for me...Football is Khristian's passion...he loves it...I have never seen him more happy than when he is out there on that field...at 7 years old when he made his very first tackle..he walked straight to me and said "Mom..this is what I was made to do!" It makes my heart smile when I see him play...he is good..that is not just me being a biased mother...He is GOOD...he is a complete natural out there...Sure he plays every other sport imaginable..but football is truly where is heart is...

I have threatened him with football before...I have never followed through with it...I have always backed down and allowed him to play..because he loves it..and we love to see him play...but yesterday...it was time to follow through with the one threat that I have never stuck with...I pulled him from the team...it may not sound like that heartbreaking of a decision..but believe me...if you knew what football meant to that little boy then you would understand...nothing else seems to be getting through to him...and believe me..he is not a bad kid...he really isnt...he can be the sweetest child..and the most generous with such a big heart...but like all children..he tryes to push his boundaries just to see how far he can go sometimes...and it is our jobs as parents to teach them that if they choose to make a bad choice..break the rules...make bad grades...then there is consequences, right? Right?? Furthermore...we as parents have to be consistent in the consequences that we have set in place for said rule breaking...right?? Thats what all the parenting books say...you have to be consistent...but what they fail to mention to you...is how unbelievably bad it makes you feel...how much it hurts your heart...

I felt my heart break into a million peices when I drove that little boy to practice last night...and watched  him break down into tears as he told his coach and teammates that he was off the team...I just wanted to jump in and say "Nevermind Khristian...I change my mind...you don't have to do this.." but that wouldn't have been me being consistent, right...When he sat in the backseat on the way home and cryed his little heart out..I wanted to jump in the backseat with him...and console him... wanted to say how sorry I was...I wanted to beg him not to hate me...

Tell me, all you "Parenting" books...did I do the right thing.. Why don't I feel good about it... Why do I feel as though my heart is crushed just as much as his... Why have I spent the last 12 hours doubting myself...and second guessing if I did the right thing...the choices that I make are going to shape the kind of man this little boy is going to be...what if I made the wrong one..? I feel this huge weight of guilt..Travis has helped coach Khristian's team since he was seven years old...he had already stated that this would be his last year coaching..for the mere fact that Khristian needed to learn to be out there on the field without him for a year before he moves on to the middle school football team...I feel like I took this last year away from Travis...I feel like I cheated both of them...put simply..I feel guilty...

As a mother, we are often the parent who is referred to as "Soft"...but in the end it is us mothers that are expected to have nerves of steel...we are expected to fix everything...to kiss the boo boo and make it better...to heal the broken heart...to have the right answer's...I am none of those things...I feel like a blind stranger fumbling around in this thing called "Motherhood"..trying to figure out what the heck I am doing...You would think after 10 years I would know...but I am still just as lost now as I was at 17...

This morning as Khristian and I were eating breakfast together..which we never do..but I felt like I needed to..I feel like the worst mother and I was trying to make myself feel better and ease some of the guilt...Khristian looked up at me and said "You know I don't hate you, right? Because I could never hate you momma...I love you.." 

Now...if only I could stop hating myself...

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"Your true opponent..."

There is nothing worse than the crushing feeling of disappointment within yourself...you feel it with every beat of your heart..it pulses through you...it takes over your thoughts..and it just crushes your spirit...at that point, you have 2 choices...Let it consume you and give up...or... fight and do something about it...

This past Saturday, my step-mother (Gina) and I were planning on running in a half marathon...we were set on running it until we saw the registration price..now, although I am a bit frugal, I don't mind paying $30 or possbly $40 dollars to run one of these things..but $75 was a bit much for me...All I could think about what bill I could be paying with that money..that Christmas was coming up soon...Travis needs some new jeans..and so on..my frivalous selfish side wanted nothing more than to enter and nab my shirt and medal at the end of the race..but my more responsible adult side knew that I really didnt need to spend that money..Point being..I just couldnt fork over the cash...

My step-mom and I were in complete agreement over this..I think for both of us the main reason we wanted to enter is to prove to ourselves that we could actually complete it..It wasn't about the shirt..the few little gifts they gave you..or the medal...it was purely about the sense of accomplishment we would both feel as we crossed the finish line...and we wanted to do it together...Instead of letting this stop us...Gina mapped us out 13.1 miles around the city of Troy..On Saturday morning as 300+ runners were strapping on their running shoes..pinning a number on their shirt...and waiting on the word "Go"...Gina and I were stepping outside her front door..putting our Ipods in our ears..determination beating in our hearts..and we started running our very own half marathon...We even had our own little cheering section..my Daddy and Uncle followed us in the car..stopping ever so often to give us a drink of water... a napkin to wipe our face...a thumbs up sign...or just a encouraging smile..
I was already working against myself from the very beginning..the excuses rambled out of my mouth..."My sinuses have been acting up".."I didn't sleep very well last night"... "It's to early..." Gina just popped her gum in her mouth and said "You can do this...just go as far as you can.."

As we started out I said a small prayer for God to give me the strength...our pace was good..my breathing was perfect..the sun was coming up about mile 2...it was breathe taking as it set across the Troy Univeristy stadium...we were in our rythme...miles 3 and 4 passed by effortlessly..I started thinking that this goal was actually within my reach..that I really could finish this...with every mile that passed I felt more confident..I felt great...then came mile 5...I had been having some trouble with my left hip..and this is when it decieded to start rearing its head...the pain was minimal at first...so I slowed my pace a bit and kept going...the more I ran though..the worse it hurt..Mile 6 came.. we stopped to grab a sip of water...It was at this point I let the doubt  pass through my mind...about half way through mile 6, I felt a sharp pain in my hip that took my breathe..I couldnt help it...I had to stop..My dad pulled up beside us and Gina told me to ride a little bit and let my hip rest...I got in that car with the worst feeling of disappointment...it felt like a rock in the pit of my stomach...I hated the feeling of defeat..the feeling of giving up...it was hot and burning in my stomach and then more it burned the madder I got with myself...at one point, I was almost in tears...

On the next stop, I got out of the car..ready to try again...my concentration was shot by this point...I tryed finding my pace..but my mind was on how bad my hip hurt..I turned my music up full blast...prayed a silent prayer again to God.."Please God, give me the strength to finish this..please help me through..I want this so bad..." I ran for a bit more but just couldnt get my head back in the game...It felt like my hip was grinding against something...It was at this time, I accepted total defeat..I stopped running..got in the car...and stared out the window...that rock grew larger in my stomach...I hated the taste of defeat..the taste of giving up..it felt bitter in my mouth...I could feel the disappointment with myself grow with every minute I rode...My dad tryed making me smile...my Uncle told me how good I did...I couldnt hear it..All I could hear were my own thoughts saying "You gave up...I knew you couldnt do this..."  The thoughts were deafening...

One the next stop..I didnt even think..I grabbed my Ipod and opened the door...as Gina rounded the curve I stepped into pace with her..I was determined to finish this with her..regardless of the pain..I was going to do this...the feeling of disappointment can drive you...it can give you strength...and I pushed through the pain...my body was literally screaming at me to stop..I refused to listen and even entertain the idea of giving up again...I have no idea were new found strength came from..but I know what was driving it..determination....when I felt like I couldnt take the pain any longer..I slowed to a walk for a few seconds...walked it out then started running again..Through all this, Gina stayed right with me...she never gave up...We were on the home stretch..I could taste success...it was taking the place of that bitter feeling I had earlier...I told Gina that we were running it out..no stopping till we got to the finish line..no matter how much it hurt..In those last few minutes..It felt like my hip was on fire..and I wanted to stop and walk so badly..but the drive to finish stronge ovetook the pain...I pushed on..and finally the finish came into view....we finished 13.1 miles in 2 hours and 25 minutes...

When all is said and done...I ran about 11 and half..and walked and rode about 2 miles...I learned something new about myself through this expierence...I hate the feeling of defeat..I now know what it means to push your body to the limit...and to surpass that limit...I have a fire within myself that I didnt even know I had...Sometimes, the feeling of disappointment within yoursef can be the best thing to happen to you...its all up to you to make that choice...give up or fight...I chose to fight...

In the end, your true opponent is never really the player on the other side of the field... the swimmer in the next lane... or even the distance between here and the finish line....your opponent is yourself...your negative internal voices..the ones that get in your ear and whisper, planting those nasty seeds of doubt... It is up to you to determine your level of determination...how much grit you have...just how much heart you have..and strive forward with a strength you never knew you had...and only then... can you overcome anything... =)

                                                  

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