"WIll you remember.."

"Preserve your memories... keep them well.. what you forget you can never retell..."


Will you remember..sweet boy...when you were a baby and you would curl your little toes up and the only one that would be sticking up is your big toe..or that you would curl your little lip up and smile a crooked lil smile when you would sleep...and sometimes in the quiet of the night as you and I cuddled...you would open your eyes and look at me...as if memorizing my face...and I would look at you..memorizing your face...and then we would fall back asleep...

Will you remember..sweet boy...how as you got a little older and started walking..that your favorite hiding place used to be in trash cabinet...and how you loved the sound of a duck..and you were never a rocker...but more of a bouncer..of how tired my arms got at night from bouncing you but I did it because I loved you so...

Will you remember..sweet boy...how you would carry around a screw driver...not just any ole' screw driver...but a certain one that we could only get from Toy's R Us...and how one night when you were absolutly inconsolable..your Maw-Maw drove all the way to Montgomery just to buy you this screw driver..and when you got it in your sweet little palms..you drifted off to sleep without so much a wimper...and then several months later when you realized that it wasnt like pawpaw's..you didnt want it anymore..you wanted to carry around a real one...just like him...

Will you remember..sweet boy...how you used to climb into your toy box and find every last matchbox car there was...and then you would line them all up..front to back...and make you a trail of cars that ran length of the house...and when we would pass a big truck in the car..you would get all excited saying "Big Truck momma..big truck!"

Will your remember..sweet boy...how when you were at daycare and you thought Superman was the best super hero of all time...that you climbed to the top of the slide and jumped off thinking in your little mind that magic was real and you would fly just like Superman...which ended up with us at the ER..and a cast on your arm the very next day...

Will you remember..sweet boy...how much you loved the movie "Ice Age"...how we had to watch it over and over..as soon as the movie would end..you were saying "Rewind Mommy...I wanna watch it again"...I knew exactly what parts made you giggle..I knew exactly what parts made you cry...and when that tape got so worn out from watching it so much...we went and bought a second one...which we still have...

Will you remember..sweet boy...how as you started getting once again older...that your own little personality started to take off..and you are more like me than I could have ever imagined...how you always have to have the last word...how as much as you try and hide it sometimes...your tender hearted just like me and you can't stand to see someone you love crying...

Will you remember..sweet boy..how sometimes when you would have a bad dream..I would climb into your bed and rub your back for you until you drifted back to sleep...that amongst all the little nicknames I have for you that "Sweet boy" has always been my favorite....My special little name for you...and when someone else called you that you would tell them "Thats my mommy's name for me..."

Will you remember..sweet boy...how at night time I get the first kiss and hug goodnight before daddy...its our special ritual...and how on the first day of school of every year...your daddy and I would take you to eat breakfast at the place of your choosing...or how on every birthday..you get breakfast in bed on our special birthday plate...

Will you remember..sweet boy..that at Christmas time I always read "The night before Christmas" to you...and then we tell the story of Jesus...


As times moves along faster than I want it to...I wonder if you will remember these things...but most of all I wonder if you will remember how much I love you...how much you have made my life worth living...and I wonder...when all is said and done in this life...if you will think back..and think I was the best mother I could be..I wonder if you will know..that I would move any mountain just to see your smile and wipe any tear away from your face...

I think what scares me the most...is that as I get older...and gray starts to take over my hair...wrinkles start to invade my face...and the number of my age starts to creep higher and higher...my memory is not as sharp as it used to be...and old age starts to rob me...

Will I remember these things Sweet boy...

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"We must never let our fear's control us..."

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt... Release the fear... Refuse to entertain your old pain... The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life... What is it you would let go of today?"

Fear..that is a very powerful word...or rather we, ourselves, give that word power...We all have fears...fear of the unknown..fear of the fall...fear of change...fear of taking a risk...

Sometimes our own imagination fuels our fear...and almost paralizes us to the point of passing up a perfectly great opportunity...or from making a much needed change in our life because we are creatures of habit...I for one am...Don't get me wrong..I love change..like...changing the color of my living room...re-arranging the furniture at 1 in the morning...changing the color of my hair on the spur of the moment trip to the salon...these are the kinds of changes that I love...but I am comfortable in my life...I am happy with the normal routine of the day..I am content with my little life...and the thought of changing anything scares me...Ahhh, there it is...fear of change...fear..fear..fear...

I have decieded to kick fear to the curb...I am taking a huge (and I do mean huge) life changing leap...I am excited and scared all at the same time..but I feel that it is time..I am holding onto old fears that make in impossible to move on in the present...I'm tired of fear digging its never ending claws into my heart...holding me still in this life and keeping me at bay...

With all this being said....you all know that Khristian is my sunshine..he is my rock..he gave me a reason to get up and fight every day when I had nothing left...It is time for him to have a brother or a sister...

I let go of the fear of abondonment...I let go of the fear of change...and I embrace the excitement of the next chapter in my life...I know I have a wonderful family that will stand by my side...friends that will be there every step of the way...and most of all, a husband that will hold my hand at every doctors appointment...and be there to love and cherish me...and tell me he loves me...

This is a new journey..and one that I am ready to take...I can write this and smile because I have healed from a old wound..and old fear...and it feels good... =)


One last question...ask yourself....What fear are you kicking to the curb today??

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"There's no place like your dreams..."

"Oh, but anyway, Toto, we're home... Home! And this is my room, and you're all here... And I'm not gonna leave here ever, ever again, because I love you all, and - oh, Auntie Em - there's no place like home!"

Summer...ahh, sweet sweet summer in Alabama is unlike any other...flip flops are the shoe of choice for most occations and a pair of cutoff shorts are never far away from your reach...we say "Ya'll" and wave even if we don't a clue of who you are...a 4th of July is never complete without the cutting of a juicy, red watermelon, BBQ, apple pie and fireworks...Saturdays are filled with good food and SEC football and on any given Saturday night you can find your friends hanging out in some barn with the faint sound of a guitar with someone singing "Dinasour" by Hank Williams Jr...you can close your eyes and breathe deeply and your lungs taken in a breathe of fresh pure air...your senses instanly kick into high gear...your nose picks up the sweet scent of honeysuckle and fresh cut grass...you can faintly hear the crickets and the soft rustle of a pine tree in the distance..a gentle breeze tenderly caresses your cheek..without even opening your eyes you can envision the clear, pristine moon up above smiling down on you...

It's night like this..that while sitting under that moon and smelling that sweet honeysuckle that you allow your mind to wonder to places you usually never allow it to go...

Not quite sure where this is going to end up going..just kind of letting me mind wander...

As I think back to when I was a little girl..I can remember feeling as though I had no infinite direction that I wanted to go until second grade....there was a short story contest that our teacher told the class about and encouraged us all to enter...even gave us time during class to write it...I tampered around with the idea of entering...Finally, I jumped head first and started writing a fiction story about a witch named "Matilda"...At this time I cannot remember much about the plot of the story..but I do remember the day I went to class and my teacher called me up to her desk and handed me a certificate for first place in that writing contest...I couldnt wrap my brain around that..I won first place!! I don't know if my family even recalls that memory...but it stands out for me because that contest gave me a direction...I wanted to be a writer...I started writing about everything...I discovered that I could be anyone I wanted to be..It allowed me live in a fantasy world that I would create out of pencil and paper...and I loved it...and so with this new found direction...big dreams were formed of getting out of this small town..I had to...

I hated living in the "Bible belt" known as Alabama..being a small town southern girl my whole life..this is surely where I did not want to end up living for the rest of my life..I could envision myself in the picture perfect movie montage of the women riding down the interstate in her convertable..top down... "to big for her face" sunglasses..scarf wrapped around her hair...and she was leaving this god forsaken town and to where she had not a clue...cliche I know...but you can't tell me that you never thought of it at one point in your life...

Big dreams were formed at a early age..I told myself I would rather die than get stuck here..but here I am sitting in my back yard with the soft glow of the moon shining down on me..listening to "All I can do" by Lynard Skynard...and embracing all that comes with living in the South..Somwhere along the lines I started to not mind living here and actually started to embrace my southern roots..I still have dreams of walking the streets of New York City...visiting the Snow cladden castels of Germany...sitting outside a little cafe in Italy drinking the finest wine available...looking down upon the Grand Canyon and feeling so small in this big "ole world...

 For now though... I am content upon being a small town girl that still has big dreams..writing is my dream...its what I have found that I am good at...and it doesnt matter whether I am in a big city or a small town...I can write anywher..as long as I can still sit outside in my swing at night hearing the song of crickets in the backdrop... =)

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"A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie..."


They say that mother's are born the instant their child is born...the woman was always there...but the Mother is born in that instant...they have a perfect instinct that let's them feel exactly what they should feel...instantly knows how to cuddle the baby just the right way...can sit there and hold the baby for hours on end wondering how they got so lucky...and wondering how they ever lived in this world before becoming a mother...before knowing this kind of love...for some..this happens instantly...for me..It took just a tad bit longer...

Becoming a Mother makes you take a closer look at yourself...makes you look in the mirror and confront the demons behind your eyes..makes you confront the not so perfect things about yourself..you see, your not living just for yourself anymore...when you speak..your not speaking for just one person anymore...your speaking for two...your heart is not just yours anymore...because when you become a mother you hand your child your heart and he carries it within his heart forever...You vow to yourself that your child will always feel loved...You will keep every single pinky promise that you make..that you will never disappointment them...that he or she will never know pain...I mean real gut wrenching pain that brings you to your knees...

Don't we all wish we could all keep our children from knowing pain...but as we all have learned...pain is a part of life..because if we never know pain then we can never know joy..There is not a book that tell's us how to be the perfect mother..Truth be known, there is no perfect mother..we all have our faults..we all have our downfalls..No matter sometimes how much we want to go back and change something..we know we can't..all we can do is love them...and pray to God that he will lead us in the right path..I have my faults...I face them daily...We all lose control..we all neglect the important things..we all often times yell when we know we should be gentle..as much as we all try to avoid these things...it is inevitable...one or all of these things will happen..and we will feel horrible for it...but at night time, when that ten year old little boy kisses me good night and says "Good Night Mom..I love you"...I know I am doing at least one thing right...

This last week...I was sinking in my own thoughts...my own worries..You know the ones... Money..bills...cleaning the house...cooking supper...getting back to school things ready...work...family...and the list could go on and on and on...my mind was so consumed with these ever present worries that when Khristian called me on my cell phone on Tuesday of last week and asked me to come have lunch with him...I am ashamed to say that I acted impatient..selfish..and like I didnt have a hour to come and spend with him...As he asked me to come over to his maw maw and paw paw's (which is where he stays during the summer and after school) and have a turkey sandwich with him...I sighed very heavy and told him "I guess..I will be there in a minute"...his voice got a little quieter and he asked "You don't want to come"?..I reponded with "Honey, I said I would be there in a few minutes"...I then hung up the phone...When I got to my daddy's house and walked in..my little boy gave me a huge hug and preceded to go into the kitchen and make me a turkey sandwich, peel me a banana, grab me a bag of chips and a water..he put everything on the table for me to eat and only then did he start to make his own lunch...It was in this moment that I started to feel the all to familiar weight of guilt...He sat down right beside me at the table and we ate our lunch..talked about his day so far and how he had been helping PawPaw around the house...afterward, we went into the living room and layed on the couch and watched Icarly on the disney channel...right before I had to leave I was talking to my daddy and he delivered the last blow...He said that when Khristian got off the phone with me he turned to him and said "She is mad because she hung up the phone really quick..."..Needless to say, I felt horrible for the way I had acted on the phone...My son thought I was mad at him...that I didnt have time to come and eat lunch with him...I was to consumed with my own worries and I took it out on him...

That lunch turned out to be exactly what I needed...I got back to work and sat in my car a cryed for about 5 minutes before going back inside... Khristian ,whether he knows it or not, alot of times is my rock...No matter what my faults are as a mother..he looks past them and somehow always reminds me what really important in this life...my family..That afternoon when I picked him up and we were driving home in silence...I turned to him at a red light and said "Thank you for lunch today baby...I really appreciated it! There is no other place I would have rather been than eating with you!"...and do you know what my sweet 10 year old boy that I think is wise beyond his years sometimes said?? 

He simply said with a smile "I know mom...I love you to.."

A child's love and willingness to forgive is amazing, isnt it...All this time we as adults think we are teaching our children..but in reality..its our children that are teaching us... =)

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