"Perseverant..."

"Don't ever give up....Don't ever give in....Don't ever stop trying....Don't ever sell out....and if you find yourself succumbing to one of the above for a brief moment...pick yourself up, brush yourself off, whisper a prayer, and start where you left off...But never, ever, ever give up.” 

Small towns...got to love them...where half the town is at some form of a football game on a Friday night...you go out to lunch and before you can even sit down to order your food, you have said hello to half the restaurant because you know them by name...kids grow up with the same group of friends they knew back in pre-school....In many ways, I love being from and living in a small town...and I love raising my children in a small town...you have that closeness...that bond...and it will always feel like home to you no matter where you might end up...but alas, where there is good there will always be some bad...Come on, you all know what I am talking about...you can't have a small town without having "Small town politics" as they say...Sad, but all towns have it...including little ole' Troy, Alabama...

Anyone who know's anything about Khristian will tell you that football is that boy's passion...he likes baseball...he liked karate (which is why he is a 1st degree blackbelt..yes, brag moment)...he liked guitar lessons...but football...Football is where he shines.. all of that other is just to fill his time until football season rolls around and he can put those pads on... run out onto that field..and yes...hit someone...I remember vividly his first football game when he was 7 years old and he got his first tackle...he came flying off the field and his first words to me were "Momma, this is what I was meant to do!"... before baseball season is over every year he and his daddy are already outside going through drills...lifting weights...football camps in Tuscaloosa with Nick Saban..flipping and pulling a 200 lbs tire...and even the occational, pushing of the lawnmower across the yard...needless to say, we take football training serious in our house...and Khristian loves every second of it...and I am sure Travis doesnt mind it either... =)

Travis has helped coach every single year...baseball and football...but with this being Khristian's last year on the Rec. Center football team before he moves up to play for the middle school next year...Travis decieded this was the year for him to sit in the stands (in reality,  pace back and forth on the sidelines) so Khristian could get a feel for being out there by himself without him...Khristian knows what to do...he knows the game...he knows his position like the back of his hand...but he lacks the confidence in his decitions...he has always looked to Travis for that reassurance that he was doing the right thing...he has got to learn how to do it on his own this year...so this is the purpose of Travis sitting this coaching year out...

This is where the small town politics comes in to play...Khristian has never had to deal with it before...I knew that eventually he would have to but I was hoping it wouldnt be this year...but alas, the first football practice came...I watched as my super excited 11 year old walked out the door to go to the first practice of the season and waited in anticipation for him to walk through the front door and tell me every detail about practice as he has done in previous years...Instead, I got a very frustrated husband and even more frustrated son...Apparently, there are some kids that joined the team that has never played football in previous years (aside from in there backyard) and were "given" starter positions...not "earned"...but given...and it's sad to say..but it's because of who they are...one being the coaches child....you have probably heard this type of thing referred to as "Daddy Ball"..Khristian was not given much of a chance to really show the coaches what he could do...nor was over half the team...and was put on second string...As the wife of someone who has been head coach, I can tell you first hand that Travis was always harder on Khristian than anyone else...he has never "given" him a position that he did not earn first...and even when he was not doing his absolute best..Travis would pull him from that position until he decieded to give it his all...he has always made Khristian work for whatever spot he was put it....not saying he was the perfect coach but he did try to be fair...

Khristian was hopeful that he would eventually get a chance to show the coaches what he could really  do...but practice after practice he came home with the same frustrated story...not to mention how upsetting this was to Travis...he has worked with Khristian day in and day out to help him accomplish his goal...to be the best...and seeing his son getting pushed to the sidelines..needless to say, he was beyond aggitated...He had said that he was going to keep quiet until after the opening jamboree game just to see if anything would change...after that, he was going to have a little chat with the head coaches...not just for Khristian but for all the boys that were being treated unfairly...Jamboree day came ...after a rocky start to the morning we finally arrived on base at Fort Rucker ready to play...the game started a hour late due to the game before us running long but it finally came time for our TROY Trojans to hit the field...we got a lucky pass and ended up scoring first but the game took a turn when the other team had the ball...you see, our coaches had "told" the boys what to do and gone through drills in practice...but never once during practice did the team have any contact drills...no tackling drills...no blocking drills...nothing..so half the boys did not know how to stop the man in from of him because he had not been taught how to...and here was Khristian....standing on the sidelines...itching to get in...itching to get his hands on someone and block...hit...do something other than just stand there and watch...

I cannot express to you how much it hurt my heart to see this ..knowing how much he deserved to play...I will go ahead and stop here and say that I am not just a mother bragging on her son...Khristian is not the best on the team...there are boys that are better than him  .. he has a lot of work to do on his speed and agility...but when you have 3 other parents come over to you and ask why Khristian is standing on the sidelines when he should be out on the field...you know your boy has some talent...

We lost needless to say, by 2 points because we caught another lucky pass...but was more upsetting was the fact that we played 4 quarters...12 minutes a piece and over half over the boy's on our team did not get to play at all...At least Khristian did get to play in the 2nd half only to get taken out halfway through through...Travis was highly upset and had made a vow that he was going to speak with the coaches and basically "call them out" on the favoritism of some of the players...he knew that things were not going to change but he felt that if he said his piece then he would feel better...on the way home, he told Khristian not to get discouraged by this..that we were proud of him and to keep working hard....

What happened next completly took me by surprise...we got home and I told Khristian to get a shower and just relax because it had been a very long day....next thing I know he is walking past me in workout clothes and his football cleats...When asked what he was doing he said he didnt feel as though he did enough today....so my persistant 11 year old went outside and flipped the 200 lb tire that we have in our backyard...back and forth...then went on to pull the same tire across the yard...back and forth...and then finished it off with some sprints...he came inside with sweat pouring down his face and dirt sticking to his legs and stated matter of factly "I am going to show them why I should be on first string!"

I could not have been more proud of him that I was at that exact moment...he was taking a negative situation and letting it feed him...he refused to let "small town politics" get in his way... he was pushing himself harder...we didnt have to because he had that fire within himself...he was digging deep and refused to settle...he was determined....at the next practice he asked Travis not to speak with the coaches...to give it a little more time...to see if he could get their attention himself without      Travis' help....he wanted to do it on his own...

Khristian's first football game is tonight....and my perseverant son will be playing center on first string... =)

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"My little boy is well on his way to being a young man..."

“It's a commonly expressed and rather nice, romantic notion that we are all "sisters" and "brothers....Let's be real. Fact is, we might be better served to accept that we are all "siblings"...Siblings fight, pull each other's hair, steal stuff, and accuse each other indiscriminately...But siblings also know the undeniable fact that they are the same blood, share the same origins, and are family...Even when they hate each other...And that tends to put all things in perspective..."

Oh, my little blog...how I have neglected you in the past few months...I have missed you...I have missed the feeling of thoughts flowing freely...passing from my jumbled mind down to my keyboard....for a moment there I got a little lost...my life was in a whirlwind of change (and still is) ...and my inspiration, while still there, was in hiding...I am happy to report that I am back...and so is my little friend called "Inspiration"...we make a great duo... =)

In the past 7 weeks, I have gone from being pregnant to becoming the mother of a sweet baby girl...from Khristian being a "little kid" at the elementary school to now becoming a "Young Adult" and entering middle school as a 6th grader...for a long time, my vocabulary only consisted of saying "my child"...how weird it feels for me to actually say "My children"...as simple as that term is, it still sounds quite odd coming from my lips...As you can see, many many changes in the Jones household...

I could sit here and talk your ear off all day about how my life has changed this past summer....but I am not...instead I am going to talk about one persons life that has not only changed but he himself has changed along with it....he has accepted this change...and embraced it with open arms...

One night several weeks before I gave birth to Bailey...Khristian was in a horrible mood...I mean a downright mean and irritable  mixed in with being a little emotional...I had almost had my fill of his hateful attitude towards me...and contnued to ask him what was wrong...he just kept shaking his head and saying the ever famous term "Nothing"...I admit that I say that quite often when in fact there is "something" wrong...but I never knew how ittitating it was until my preteen started saying it...I also admit that my tone with him was not a very comforting tone that would make him want to confide in me what was actually bothering him...(at 8 months pregnant, I can admit I was not a very nice person to be around at times)...Finally , I took a step back...took some deep breaths...and tryed to approach him with a calmer and friendlier tone...I explained to him that we all have bad days...and that it was ok..but that was in no way a reason to act the way he had towards me or his daddy...I then asked him again what was wrong....this is where the emotional part comes in...he looked at me and opened his mouth to say something...but then shut it again..shook his head and said "You will get mad at me if I tell you"...Now, as the mother of a very active 10 year old that has a strong will....my first thought was "Oh Lord, what has he gotten in to!"...I assured him that whatever it was he could tell me...that even if I did get upset with him we would work through it....that I couldnt help him if he didnt include me in what was going on...he then said words that almost broke my heart...he looked at mne with tears in his eyes and said "I just don't want you to have Bailey...I'm not ready"...He explained that things were going to change...and he was scared...that we were going to forget about him...He told me "Can you just keep her in there for another year"... ( I admit I had to hide a little bit of a smile on that last comment)

I was speechless for a second...up until this point he had only expressed how excited he was to meet his new little sister...I guess I took this for face value and never thought that he was hiding how scared he was...Travis and I had already had many, many talks about how we didn't want Khristian to fall in the background due to the new baby arriving...that we wanted Khristian to still have his "time" with each of us...and he would be included in everything...as much or as little as he wanted to be...When I finally regained my voice and slowed my thought process...Travis and I told him first and foremost that we love him more than anything in this world...and he would NEVER be forgotten...but we understood where he would feel this way...it was a normal reaction to being the only child for so long and then BAM...you have a new little sister in the picture...I asked him why he didn't want to tell us what was bothering him...and he replied with he thought it would upset me and he didn't want to make me cry (God love him..)...30 minutes to an hour later we had reassured him enough to the point to where he actually had a faint smile on his lips...I could tell our conversation had reassured him in some way...

I went into labor 4 weeks early on a Friday night...and Travis, Khristian and I drove to the hospital at 10:30 that night...(my parents, brother, and Travis' parents were in route right behind us)...As soon as I got to the hospital I was admitted and hooked up to all monitor's...Khristian was right there..checking everything out...making sure I was ok...He was bound and determined he was going to stay up for everything...I started to get sick and was given phenegan to ease the nausea..to which it completly knocked me out cold...Upon waking up the next morning, I was told that my sweet boy had been awake all night watching over me...awaiting the birth of his baby sister with excitment...and at 7 that morning he just couldnt hold his eyes open any longer and passed out in the chair next to my hospital bed... around 9:00 that morning, the doctor broke my water and we had a beautiful baby girl by the name of Bailey Madison Jones at 9:50 AM...

I was very adament that I wanted Khristian to see her before everyone else...he was her big brother...so after Bailey was cleaned up and brough back to the room...Khristian came in and held his sister for the very first time..and it was love at first sight...he sat there and held her with awe in his eyes...he wasnt afraid to hold her...he dove right on in...we spent the first 30 minutes of Baileys life...together...A family of 4...

One of my best friends that stayed the entire night bought Khristian a bracelet that said "Big Brother" on it...he wore that bracelet for a solid week...and showed it to everyone he could...

I was very fortunate that I gave birth at the beginning of the summer so I was able to stay home with Bailey and Khristian as he was out of school...This gave us quite a bit of bonding time...I allowed Khristian to hold her as much as he wanted..he would sing to her...rock her...pat her back...and he got so excited the first time he was able to get her to sleep...One particular morning, he was watching her for a moment while I jumped in the shower real quick (All moms of a newborn know what it is like to take a 5 minute shower)...Bailey started to get a fussy...he had paid enough attention to where he knew it was her feeding time...so he went to the freezer and took out one of the little freezer bags with her milk in it...made sure the water in the sink got hot and tryed to warm up her milk...I opened up the bedroom door and told him I would only be a few more minutes and he told me "Its ok mom...She's happy, I am feeding her!"... I immediatly stopped what I was doing and asked (a little to freaked out) what was he feeding her...and of course he responded "Her milk...I have watched daddy do it before!" ... I told him to show me exactly what he had done...bless his heart, what he didnt know is you are not supposed to mix water in with breastmilk...I calmly explained this to him...I then had to pour the bottle out and throw away the entire freezer bag of milk...he started to tear up because he thought he had hurt her...and maybe this was my fault because of the quickness that I took the bottle away and told him not to do anything without asking me first...it took me 30 minutes to calm him down and assure him he did not hurt her and she was fine...that I knew he was only trying to help but to  ask me before doing anything like that again...

Later that afternoon, I sat back and could only laugh a little...for a little boy that wanted her to "Stay in there another year"...he sure was protective over her...this made my heart smile...You should have seen the pride in that boy's voice when he told me that when his daddy couldn't get bailey to quit crying he was able to...and then there was the instance a week ago when he almost scolded his daddy for throwing a football with a 1 month old in his arms (You know, the ball could hit her... =) ... I could go on and on with instance after instance...he is really taking this role of "Big brother" seriously...he has grown up before my eyes this summer from a 10 year old little boy to an almost mature 11 year old...he still has his moments of extreme attidute and whining where I just want to pinch his little head off...but for the most part...my boy is well on his way to being a young man...and I couldnt be prouder...I was worried about the age difference...11 years is quite a long stretch of time between children...but after watching Khristian I am more than reassured that if nothing else, Bailey will always know that she has her big brother in her corner... =)

This summer has been one of many adjustments for my little family....We have been tested as a family...and I believe we came through with flying colors... =)

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"My Cup Runneth Over..."

"The most significant gifts are the ones most easily overlooked... Small, everyday blessings: woods, health... music... laughter... memories... books... family... friends... second chances... warm fireplaces... and all the footprints scattered throughout our days..."

Have you ever had a moment when you are just so overwhelmed with a feeling of being blessed that you immediatly want to call every single person you know and tell them you love them...that you appreciate them...and your life is so enriched simply because you have them in your life...

Because if not... maybe you should...

This morning, I woke up in a complete haze of ehaustion...tiredness...worn out...you get the point....between late baseball games, general life, and just the extreme tiredness that comes with being 8 months pregnant I feel like I am running on fumes sometimes...I went about my daily morning routine of showering...taking my vitamins...making my bed...asking Khristian if he had made his bed...straightening up the kitchen and living room...starting a load of laundry...and finally getting myself ready...This morning though, I made one extra stop...I walked in Bailey's room to open up the blinds and let some morning light in...and I stopped....looked around for about 5 minutes...walked around...lightly touched the furniture...smiled...and then busted into tears...

You can call it pregnancy hormones...but I call it being thankful...You see, as I looked around my beautiful daughter's soon to be room I saw so many different things....I saw a crib that in less than 2 months will hold a wonderful new chapter in my life...I saw a rocking chair that I re-done with my own hands and I will rock my sweet girl to sleep...I looked in her closet and saw a abundance of clothes that she will probably only wear once...I saw her first little Alabama dress that her daddy will be so proud to show her off in...I saw the chalk board wall that I will write messages to her quite often and then later walk in to admire her art work...a stroller that I will go on afternoon walks with her...her coming home outfit that I will take out years from now and remember when she was just born...her small pearly bracelet that she will wear...and books that were passed down from her big brother that I will read her as she prepares for a peacful slumber...all that is missing is my sweet little Bailey...

While all this made me smile....There was also one other thing that really hit home to me and caused my little emotional outburst...my little family is so loved and blessed...since finding out I was pregnant my husband, family and friends have done everything in the world to make sure that this pregnancy was everything and more that I had hoped it would be...As I looked around Bailey's room this morning...I noticed that there has only been 2 things in her room that I have actually bought and paid money for...A white picture frame and a small yellow flower pot....everything else was either given to us or we already previously had...we have had so many people jump at the opportunity to give us stuff that we have not had to come out of pocket for anything...and I do mean anything...the crib and mattress, diaper changing table, baby swing, car seat, stroller, tons and tons of clothes, high chair...you name it and it has just about been given to us....the only things in her room that we already owned is a rocking chair that I re-did, a shelf that I also repainted and some small accessories...I am so amazed at this...

You can be the most prepared mom out there and have everything so meticulously planned out...and still become extremly overwhelmed at the preperation of a new baby...I mean, I walked into a baby store shortly after I found out I was pregnant and almost bust out in tears because it really hits you how much you are going to need...and yes I knew that I would need all this stuff because Khristian was once a baby...but after 10 years...you tend to develop a case of amnesia...

I can't begin to tell you how much my heart grow's when I think of each and every person out there that has loved us so much and so graciously given from their heart...not because they feel that they have to...but simply because they are happy for Travis and I...and want to...I am tearing up now as I type this...because of all of you...my family...my friends....It makes a difference...10 years ago I hid my pregnancy from the world and felt that I had noone...10 years later I feel that I have the world...Thank you...Thank you for loving us...Thank you for jumping at every single opportunity to make this expierence nothing short of amazing...and Thank you for sharing this  every step of the way with us...I have never really understood the saying "My cup Runneth over..." ...Yes, I know what it means....but I have never had a moment where I just felt it deep down in my heart...

That is what happened this morning, my friends....yes....My cup runneth over... =)

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" Observations..."

"Observe the wonders as they occur around you....don't claim them.... Feel the moment moving through and be silent...but always keep them close...”

Have you ever sat outside..in the mall...the park...anywhere really...just sat back and observed things from a distance...observed people from a distance...it is so easy to do with complete strangers...but have you done it with your spouses...your family...your friends...when they don't think you are watching...observation can be a very powerful thing...it can show you insight into a person...reveal to you a characteristic that you may not have otherwise seen if you had not been looking so carefully...or perhaps... you were not even be looking that closely when that certain moment arises... and in that moment, you get a glimpse of someone that you have known for years...and it makes you look at them in a whole new perspective...

In this case, I am talking about my husband...he is not a man of many words...in fact, on our first date I was the one doing all the talking (I know for those of you who know me, that is a shock, right??)...I finally had to tell him to talk to me or he could take me home...he started talking shortly after that. I see so many sides of him that other's often do not get to see...he has such a funny silly side to him...when it is just Khristian, Travis and I at home...he will do anything to make us laugh...whether it be singing stupid made-up songs...calling us by his many crazy nicknames he has...or immitating the dumbest commercial on TV that we just happen to be making fun of at the time....nobody gets to see that side of him but us. I used to say that he didn't have a romantic bone in his body but over the years I have come to change my opinion of that...he just has certain ways of showing it...and to be honest, I don't think I would like it if he was the "generic" form of romantic...I have come to appreciate random phone calls during the day just to ask me how my day is going and to remind me that he loves me...the times when I am cooking supper and he comes up behind me and kisses me on the cheek without saying a word...the times when he goes to the gym to work out with me when he doesnt feel like it...when he gives up the remote control and makes it a point every week to watch Pretty Little Liars and One Tree Hill wth me (Still working on Grey's Anatomy) even though he would rather be watching Family Guy...walking out into the rain just so he can be sure to put my flower pots out so they can get fresh rain water...these things to Travis are romance...just small little things to show me that he loves me...but just when you think you have seen all the many shades of a person...they tend to surprise you...

In the last 7 months I have gotten to see a side to my husband that quite frankly I am proud of...it has made me fall in love with him all over again...I have gotten to watch his face soften as he watched our baby girl on the ultrasound screen move...watch that slow smile spread across his face as we were told we were having a baby girl...watch his eyes transform from pure boredom at a Dr.'s appointment to a form of pure awe as we got to hear the heartbeat....I have gotten to see him laugh as his hand was on my belly and Bailey kicked unexpectantly...every afternoon he asks me if she has been active today...We were on the couch watching TV the other night and he suddenly layed his head on my stomach and started talking to her...he takes his guitar out and sings to her quite often..and he loves the fact that she almost instantly starts kicking when he starts singing...It literally makes my heart smile to watch these things...It is the most amazing feeling in the world to observe and watch these things...

This is not the only new side of him that I have observed in the last 7 months...

Recently, he was contacted and asked to coach Khristian's baseball team...at first, I was a bit hesitant about him accepting the head coaching job...he has always been a assistant coach on Khristian's teams whether it be baseball or football...but he has never been the head coach...I was not worried in the least little bit about his qualifications...as Travis breathes and lives for baseball and football season and knows the game like the back of his hand...I was concerned about his lack of patience...no one will deny the fact that Travis is hard on Khristian in everything he does...particulary sports...Khristian is a natural athlete and has the potential to be great...Travis brings that out in him...it is nothing for Khristian to get hurt on the field and Travis to tell him to suck it up and get back out there...I remember the first time Khristian walked out onto a football field...I was told on the way to the game that no matter what happens...if he gets hurt...I was NOT to run out onto the field and be "That" mom...at the time, I was aggitated at that...I mean, he is my baby...but now I look back on it and realize that it was Travis' way of toughening him up...As it turns out, I had nothing to worry about because Khristian was the one mowing other players down and making the tackles. In this case, I was concerned at how other parents would perceive Travis' tough mentality...if there is one thing that I learned about my husband a long time ago it is that he does not beat around the bush...nor does he sugarcoat things...for anybody...some people are not very apt to that kind of forwardness...especially when it comes to their son or daughter...he has often referred to himself as "not a people" person...

I have been completly taken aback at his transformation this season...not only with Khristian but within himself...I have watched him call a time out in the middle of the game...walk out onto the field and give the pitcher a pep talk...I have watched him take a player aside that got out on homeplate simply because he did not touch the base with his foot and gently tell him what he should do next time that situation arises and then pat him on the back and give him a smile...I have watched as he put out a fire with a angry parent that the situation could have gone in the opposide direction had he not kept his cool...and in the end, the parent was happy....I have even seen a difference in the way he is with Khristian out on the field...Travis has always been a hard one to get a compliment out of...he does not lie to you and tell you that you have done good...when in fact, you have not...but the other night, I watched as our son was on the pitcher's mound...nervous...he had already struck out 2 other players...and the third one he had 2 stikes on with the threat of walking him...all we needed was one more strike to end that inning...Travis called a timeout..walked out onto the field...Khristian told me later that he just knew his daddy was coming to take him out of the game...but instead he said a few words to Khristian...patted him on the shoulder and walked off the field...in that next instant....Khristian threw a strike...you couldnt have beat that smile of his face or his daddy's...

It is in these moments that I love to sit back and observe him from a distance...commit them to memory...and smile...because I know I am watching the kind of man that Khristian will turn out to be...and the kind of person that our daughter will compare every other man that she ever considers dating to...and I couldnt be prouder...we have been together for almost 10 years...and he never ceases to surprise me at the most unexpected times... =)

(Travis talking to Khristian prior to Khristian throwing that last srike)

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"Rene's Promise..."

"I touched the scar on my left forearm, just below the elbow. I had the tattoo surgically removed. There were so many people who didn't know and so many questions: "What do those numbers mean?"... "Is that your address?" ... "Is that your phone number?"...What was I supposed to say "That was my name for three years and fourty-one days" ?...

I love to read...a lot...when I was younger my mother used to take me to the local Goodwill or Salvation Army and I would stock up on about 20 or 30 books at a time...reading one after another...It wasn't soon after that I picked up a pencil for the first time to discover my love of writing...I have always loved getting lost in the words of the book...the story...the characters....I often times feel a sense of sadness when a really good books ends...but love happy endings...and no matter how good or bad your life may seem at times it is always a relief to jump into a alternate made up world for just a short time...in my short lifetime of reading, I have read many books that I have been so intriqued with that I felt like I just couldnt put it down...all you book nerds out there know exactly what I am talking about...you tell yourself just one more page...well, one more page turns into 5 pages...which in return turns into a whole chapter...and then 2 chapters...and before you know it, it is 2 in the morning and you have to be up in 4 hours to begin your day...

Very rarely do I come across a book that I feel that I need to tell people about...much less in my blog...but I have just finished a book called "Rena's Promise: Two sisters in Auschwitz" ... I have been so touched by this book that I am compelled to write about it in the hopes that you..my readers....will want to pick this book up and read about one woman's incredible journey of survival in one of the most hellish of places... but more so than that...of how the Germans stripped her of her dentity and in it's place was given a number...but she never lost what was in her heart...I have always been a lover of all things history...particularly anything from the 1920's to 1940's era, WWII and the Holocaust...so when my kindle recommended this book I instantly hit the "Buy" button...it also didn't hurt that it was on sale for $1.99...

I was instantly introduced to Rena Kornreich...she was on the very first transport into the most brutal of death camps..Auschwitz...the book recounts her 3 years and 41 days in the camp until the day of her realease... May 2nd, 1945...It recounted day after day...the brutality...the harsh conditions..I expected all this as I have read many Holocaust books before...what I did not expect to find was a book that showed so much about human kindness and compassion...

As Rena first entered into Auschwitz...I am struck by how nieve her and the other women on the transport are...they had no idea as to what they were headed to...Rena was engaged at the time to be married...in her mind she fully thought that she would turn herself in...work out a possible 6 month to a year sentence...and then be released so that she could continue on with her life...she thought she would see her parents again..her family...marry and have children...

"How are we going to find our suitcases later?" I figure I'm a human being, I have a right to ask. "Get in line and shut up!" he yells in my face, pointing his gun at me. The hair on my skin bristles. He doesn't see that I am human...." - (This was as Rena was getting off the train in Auschwitz)


Only about 6 months into her stay there did she realize...she would most likely die there...that no one that was ever brought into Auschwitz was meant to leave...her younger sister Danka soon arrives on a later transport where Rena grabs her up and vows to protect her at all costs...she had also made that same vow to her mother...and she was going to keep it..even if it killed her...

"Mama, I brought you the baby back. I repeat it over and over in my head. It is the refrain to the song that keeps me strong and healthy and spirited: Mama, I brought you the baby back. My one great feat in life, my fate, is to survive this thing and return triumphant with my sister to our parents' house. My dream cannot be marred by German whips or chains or rules. I will succeed because I have no other choice. Failure does not even occur to me, We may die in the interim-death cannot be avoided here-but even that will not dissuade me from my sole purpose in life. Nothing else matters but these four things: be with Danka, be invisible, be alert, be numb..."

As I continued reading...there is one other thing that really stuck out to me...the willingness of the people to help one another...after starvation...beatings...and near death...the people in the camp took care of one another...had compassion for each other...In one part of the book, Rene found a tiny sliver of potato on the ground...instead of hoarding it for herself...she split the small portion of potato in half between herself and her sister...in a time when most would have been selfish...she cared more for her sister than her own self...men flirted with death and being beat just to steal a half of a sausage..then risk their own life to somehow sneak it to Rena and her fellow workers...in our world, these are only tiny acts of kindness...but in Rena's, these acts of kindness was the difference between life or death...

I cannot help but to think that our world  in this day and age lacks that kind of compassion for one another...I realize that we do not have to endure the harshness of what these people had to endure..but in the same retrospect...I wonder if our generation had to undergo something of the same magnitude...would we as individuals do that same for our fellow women or man? Would we risk getting 25 lashes on our back just to stiffle a small piece of sausage to a complete stranger? Would we risk getting such a severe beating that we are almost blinded in one eye just to steal 1 potato to feed our sister or brother? Would we risk being sent to the gas chamber just to send a tiny barely there written note with our name and where we are from to another complete stranger...just so someone would know we were there? At a time when most people would go into self survival mode...and our human nature of selfishness would show...these people had so much compassion for one another....As I read this book...I asked myself these questions...and as good of a person as I try to be...I honestly dont know the answers...I would like to say that I would...but you never know until you are put into these type of situations...and chances are...we will never have to make these type of decisions...but what if we did...would you be able to do these kinds of things for a complete stranger...a friend...your sister...

I have no doubt in my mind after reading this book that human compassion is the only reason Rena and Danka survived Auschwitz...that and her complete resolve to protect her sister and bring her home...I would highly encourage each and every person to read this book...I believe that we all need to be reminded of how kindness and love are still prevalant in the world...even in the most brutal of conditions...


                  

                                                             (Rene & Danka)

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"Pass Me Not, O Gentle Savior..."

"Then the singing enveloped me... It was furry and resonant, coming from everyone's very heart... There was no sense of performance or judgment, only that the words of the song was breath and food to my heart....”

I have been sitting on this post for a little over a week...it's something that I have been thinking and thinking on..wondering if I should post it...but everytime I start to write something new my mind always travels back to this...
 
While sitting in church a couple Sunday's ago, my preacher said something that has stuck with me...it made the wheels in my little mind start turning and thinking....and analyzing....which I am already so good at doing...I can't remember his exact words but he stated that many churches these days have so many comforts...nice cushioney seats...grand pianos...organs...fancy contraptions that place the words of songs on the wall in front of you...and while there is absolutly nothing wrong with these things...they are unnessesary...He spoke about when he was a young boy..how the pews were made of solid wood..so much so that when you stood up to sing... your Sunday best usually got snagged on a piece of lose wood on the edge...of how there was no piano player..no organs...just the congregation's voices singing as one...
 
This reminds me so much of where I attend church..we are a true and true country church if you have ever seen one...around our area of the country we are most often called "The Cowboy Church"...on a average Sunday you will find around 20 or so people there..and if you come on a really good Sunday...attendance will get to around 50...you will not find men sitting in suits and ties...but men sitting in Wrangler jeans, a button up shirt or polo...and most times, a pair of cowboy boots...I have seen our piano player walk to the piano in a pair of fashionable yellowbox flipflops...and when we don't have a piano player present...well, the men of the church pick up their guitars and we sing...sitting behind the piano you will not see a beautful array of flowers...but a pair of lonesome cowboy boots...not because someone forgot them there...but because they belonged to a very highly respected man of our church that has passed on...he was a true representation of what our church is...a cowboy church...

A member of our church who is a very close personal friend of mine and also our piano player recently had a very difficult and extensive back surgery..and has been out for quite some time due to trying to recover...she is also part of a Gospel group in our church called "Upward Bound"...this surgery has been very hard for her to recover and bounce back from...because of this it has left our church without a piano player...and most Sundays the men of the church have been able to accomodate music for us with their guitars...but on this particular Sunday we had no piano player..not one single guitar...and nothing to play music for us to sing to...instead of letting this stop us... we sang  accapella...and to be honest, I think I got more out of singing that day than I get most Sundays...and here is why...I had no music to distract me from the words I was singing...no rythms to clap my hands to...no melody to sway to...no great guitar solo that needed to be clapped for...absolutly no distraction..it was just my voice along with 20 other people's singing as one to God...the way it was meant to be...

I can't help but to wonder...when did our churches become filled with so many distractions that we forget where our focus should be...cushioned pews, grand pianos, fancy song books, organs...and I could go on with the list..these things are great...but they are simply comforts that most churches offer...Ask yourself this question and answer it honestly...What would happen if we had to attend church back in the days of my grandparents or even my great-grandparents with no air conditioning, no nice pews, and the church was basically just a building of 4 walls that held no paint...I am quite certain that over half of us would choose to stay home...I am speaking for myself as well...I am just as spoiled by the comforts of our world as the next person so please do not think I am passing any kind of judgement on anyone...I realized that on the Sunday as I sang with no music... we as a church had to sing accappela...I remember thinking "Well, if we don't have anything to make music..how are we going to sing"...never passing my mind that we could just sing without music...Then I thought... when we pray...we are praying to God...when we sing...we are singing to God..so what does it matter whether there is nice music to accompany it....when we sit on the pews...we are sitting there to learn about God...so what does it matter is they are cushioned or not...I just love it when God sends me little reminders and brings me back down to reality and humbles me...

I can say this about so many aspects of our life...As a society we are so spoiled...which may be one of the reasons why our world is the way it is...we let so many distractions into our life that we often times lose focus of what is really important...I let myself get so distracted in church with the music that I forgot the most important thing...the words we are singing...our voices are music in Gods ears...

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"I love you...We will help you through this.."

“The best fantasy is written in the language of dreams. It is alive as dreams are alive, more real than real ... for a moment at least ... that long magic moment before we wake..."

As I sat at the Doctor's office yesterday getting my 5 month check up...I noticed a young teenage girl sitting across from me...she was visibly upset and I could only assume it had to do with the freshly printed ultrasound picture that she held in her hand....staring intently at the picture with tears in her eyes...sitting beside her was her father...I only know this because we were sitting so close that I couldnt help but to over hear bits and pieces of the conversation...she looked up from the picture long enough to tell her dad how sorry she was...as his way of a response he grabbed her hand and held it...and then slowly said "I love you"...nothing more...just those words...I almost felt like a intruder for witnessing this fragile moment between father and daughter...but it was also one of those moments that I could not turn away from....As I sat there and observed this scene I could not help but to think of myself 10 years ago..It was at that moment that my name was called to head in to see the doctor...As I gathered my things and started to walk toward the nurse...I, for whatever reason, looked over my shoulder one last time at the young girl...at that exact moment she looked up and we locked eyes for a mere second...just long enough for me to offer her a small smile of comfort...I wanted to run over to her and kneel down and talk to her...I wanted to tell her that things would eventually get better...that she wouldnt feel this way forever...to hold her head up no matter what life throws her way...to breathe...and take one step at a time...instead, I followed the nurse to the back....

While I waited for the doctor to come in to see me..which ended up being over 2 hours due to a emergency delivery she had to attend to...I couldnt get the girl and her father out of my mind...how ironic to me that here I was sitting at my 5 month appointment and I just so happened came to sit across from a young girl that so reminded me of myself from 10 years ago...it was almost like my present self was sitting across from my past self...When I finally was able to see my doctor and leave the office...I am sure the girl was long gone...but I thought about her on the long ride from Montgomery to Troy...and again as I changed clothes, put on my tennis shoes and grabbed my Ipod and set out for a long peaceful 4 mile walk outside in the beautiful spring weather...

As I walked...I let the sounds of  music carry me away into deep thought...I revisited the day my parents found out I was pregnant with Khristian...Again, no secret that I hide my pregnancy...The day before the truth finally came to light, we were at the beach and my back had began to hurt pretty badly...the next day my dad and Step-mom had decieded that it was time to come home and carry me to the Emergency room...I think at this point they had a pretty good idea that I might be pregnant...just not 8 months along...Blood was taken...a IV was administered since it was apparent I was severly dehydrated...after 3 bags of IV...Dr.Robledo entered my hospital room and sat the paperwork on the bed beside me...it was just him and I in the room and he gave me this knowing look...At the time, I remember looking into his eyes and feeling nothing but judgement...as I think back on it now ,I know it wasnt judgement in his eyes...it was a look of compassion...a look of understanding...it was the same look that I had given then young girl earlier in the day at my doctors appointment...he looked me and simply said "You know don't you? .... to which I replyed " I have no idea what your talking about..." I was still in such a place of denial that even when the truth was right there in his hands in black and white...I continued to deny it...He looked at me once more and picked up the folder with all my tests in them...and simply stated once more "You know dont you?" ... I couldnt meet his eyes...softly I replyed "Yes...I know"... oddly enough, that was the first time I had actually admitted out loud to anyone that yes...I was ,in fact, pregnant...I had gotten so good at denying and lying that the truth sounded weird coming from my lips...he said "You have to tell your parents now..." ... I shook my head and stated very matter of factly "No I don't!" ... The last thing he said to me was "You have to...sooner or later..." and left the room...

What I failed to know at the time was that my dad and step-mom were waiting outside for him and as soon as he left the room...he walked over to my parents...by law he could not tell them that I was pregnant...but he had known my parents for some time...I believe that he knew that one of my biggest fears was the disappointment of my parents and abondonment...so when they asked him "Is she pregnant?" ...Dr. Robledo looked at them...with a slight motion of his head he indicated yes...and in the same moment told them that they needed to speak with me...

As we all left the Emergency Room...my dad drove us to the Coffee Kettle that was still open in Troy at the time...I laugh as I think back on this little detail and it's simply that you would have to understand our family history with the Coffee Kettle...so many memories has happended in that little coffee shop that I can't even begin to name them off...it seems only fitting that we go there at this exact moment...I ordered 2 eggs over easy and toast...my parents...coffee as ususal...we had a little bit of small talk for around 15 minutes...I think they were trying to give me the opportunity to tell them on my own...but I had already closed myself up again...in my own state of denial...I can hear my dad's voice as clear as a bell to this day when he finally could not stand it any longer and said "I know your pregnant".... the flood gates opened and I started to cry..no, I take that back...I started sobbing....snotty nose and all...before I could say anything my dad grabbed my hand and said "I love you...we will help you through this..." He said more...lots more...but to be honest, I can't remember anything else...I just remember him grabbing my hand and holding it...tight...and saying "I love you...We will help you through this.."

Gina and I were not near as close then as we are now...that would come over time...and I had no clue then as to how big she would influence me or my life...but before I knew it she was on the phone with my aunt who is a social worker getting me a doctors appointment for the next day...my aunt in return started the applications for medicaid and any other form of assistance I would need...things were happening at a whirlwinds pace...but for me it was kind of in slow motion...I felt relieved that my parents now knew...that my secret had finally been revealed...but still the weight of what was about to happen was on my chest...the only thing that allowed me to breathe that night was the feel of my daddy's hand in mine and the look in his eyes when he said "I love you" and gave me a hug. The next day I gave birth to a handsome 8 lb 13 ounce little boy...

As I fell asleep last night..the young girl from earlier in the day and this memory were etched in my mind...I drifted off into dream land...and thats exactly what I did....dream...I don't remember every single detail from my dream as most our dreams fade away soon after we wake up...what I do remember is sitting as my present self in the booth across from past self and my parents at the Coffee Kettle...I was a mere image watching my memory play itself out...I could see my face...I could see my parents face...I could smell the food sitting on the table...and I could hear the words being spoken...but as much as I wanted to intervene and tell my past self that everything would work out..to just look at me...I couldnt...I was just a observer watching the scene unfold....finally at the end of my dream...the 17 year old version of myself turned in my direction and we locked eyes...and in the next moment we smiled at each other...and I woke up...

I have come full circle...my uncle made a comment earlier yesterday that really stuck out to me...he said "It's completly different when you plan for it and you are ready, isnt it?"...he was talking about becoming pregnant...he is more right than he will ever know...I believe the meaning of my dream is simple...my present 28 year old self has finally become at peace with my past 17 year old self.... =)

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