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"I dreamt we walked together along the shore...."

 Tuesday, December 9, 2014

"I dreamt we walked together along the shore.... We made satisfying small talk and laughed. This morning I found sand in my shoe and a seashell in my pocket. Was I only dreaming...."



I feel lost and frantic...I hear you crying... I am trying my best to get to you. I run and run and no matter how hard I run...I can't find you. Every direction I turn, your cries seem to get more and more distant...I feel pain in my side, my legs burn, my chest is tight and I can't breath...I am gasping for air....but yet I continue to run....I vow to myself that I will find you. It feels like I run for hours until finally my legs collapse under me...I have no idea where I am but when my knees hit the ground I feel like I have failed...I have failed you. I can hear you still...very faintly...but I hear you. Tears start to fall and sob uncontrollably. On my knees, a complete and utter wreck...I feel so lost.


I hear a voice that says "Get up"...I say out loud "I can't...I have nothing left in me..." The voice commands again..."Get UP"...This time the voice is louder and more stern..."I reply again "I am trying...I can't...My body is weak, my heart is weak...I have failed..." The voice replies "GET UP! Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go!"  It takes every ounce of strength I have left in my body to peel myself off my knees...my feet start to move in a slow walk...then a slight jog...with every step I feel my body start to strengthen...something has been renewed in me...I am in a full run by this time...sprinting toward the unknown. I hear your cries...as I move they get louder and louder...I am going to find you...I just know it. Arms pumping, feet pounding the ground, heart beating...I burst through an opening...and the crying stops...complete silence. All the darkness has faded...and I see sweet sunshine. I look up at it and feel the warmth on my face...taking a moment to catch my breath....my eyes scan this field that I have found myself in and they stop on a sweet, small baby carriage. I hesitate for some reason....almost scared of what I am going to see....Again, I hear this voice... "Go on...." I  begin walking towards the carriage, quickening my pace as I get closer...

As I reach the carriage and peek inside.... I see a bundle of pink....I see a sweet baby girl with a beautiful pink dress on and a white bonnet...as my hands touch her hand she grabs my finger and I pick her up....I cradle this precious angel and hug her as close as I can get to my heart...I breath in her scent and the try memorizing the feel of her in my arms....I don't want to forget a single second of this. I have this complete sense of calm come over me....and I sit. I sit with my sweet baby girl in my arms and rock her...I tell her I love her....over and over again...I tell her I am sorry...and I continue to rock....

And then I woke up.....and smiled.

Right after I had my miscarriage, I started having the first part of this dream....I would run and run and could never find her...and I would wake up with my heart pounding and have such a panicked feeling. Many times I have cried myself back to sleep with the feeling of loss so heavy on my chest it was hard to breath. As the months went on...I had the dream less and less....would even go months without having it....but ever so often....it would creep back in and I would wake up with tears rolling down my cheek.

On July 30th, which was supposed to be my due date....The day I was supposed to meet my sweet baby. The dream resurfaced again....only this time, I found her. I met her....I found out that out that my sweet baby was indeed a girl....and this time when I woke up, I was smiling. I was excited....and I couldn't fall asleep. I wrote down every detail of that dream I could because I didn't want to forget a single thing. I wanted to relish in the feeling that I had at that very moment.

I have no idea what you believe....and I honestly don't care. You may think I am crazy...and again, I don't care.

 I on the other hand, believe that God knew my pain...he felt my pain....and he gave me the peace I needed. I believe that I met my baby girl that night in my dream....that he gave me that. I can't remember her face...but I remember the feel of her hand in mine...I can close my eyes and I can remember what it felt like having her in my arms and rocking her. I haven't had the dream since that night....Oh I have longed for it...hoped for it...wished for another opportunity to see her again. But I know it probably won't happen....and I am ok with that. As the 1 year anniversary comes up on January 8th, I think about her more and more. I was asked the other day if I felt like I have healed....In some ways, yes....in some ways, no. I think about her often...and I think I always will. As I set out to run Huntsville again this weekend, I can't help but to think about should I have ran last year....Is that what caused me to miscarry....and even though I will never know the answer to that....I still carry that guilt around with me.

God may not ever allow me to have that dream again....but I am thankful for his grace...for his love...for his understanding. I am thankful that he understood my pain and allowed me that moment to touch her face and see her....to sit with her...to tell her how much I love her. I am thankful for the ability to dream...

Until the next time I see you baby girl....I love you....

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