"An empty plastic bottle lies on the sidewalk...."

"When you hear the word ‘disabled,’ people immediately think about people who can’t walk or talk or do everything that people take for granted. Now, I take nothing for granted. But I find the real disability is people who can’t find joy in life and are bitter...."


An empty plastic bottle lies on the sidewalk. The sidewalk isn’t very clean to begin with.... It is strewn with fallen leaves and a couple pieces of trash. A little piece down from where I am standing is occupied by a what looks to be a homeless man lying down, with whatever small possessions he has wrapped in a plastic bag sitting beside him. His clothes are in tatters....and looks like they haven't been washed in days...maybe even weeks. He sits on the cold bare ground and his only companions are the annoying flies, hungry mosquitoes, and the cold that surrounds him. He has no coat on his skinny frame and I shiver for him because even with my thick coat on...I am cold.  He has long hair and a wild unkept beard. Yet he sits with a peaceful look on his face, even though he may be on an empty stomach.

 A few feet away, a couple of guys smoked cigarettes, and when they were done, dropped the half smoked butts not very away from a garbage can and crushed them hurriedly with their feet and walked off.

A number of people walk by....Some give the man a second look, and some ignore him....and some may wish they could do something for the man from their heart, but immediately their brain convinces them that they can’t do anything for him and that there is no possible way to ensure the man gets a better life. Some may blame god or blame the man for his life. And some may call him a drunkard and call him too lazy to work and make baseless judgements.

Everyone has the right to live. But their isn’t anything that says how to live. Some people say you live your life to the fullest by doing what you love, otherwise, you merely exist. But what if we can’t do what we love? Do we not live then? Was that poor man given given an option on how to live? Maybe yes, maybe no. But you definitely cannot say he just exists.
If you’re with a friend who has just lost his/her phone, in the back of your mind you’re thanking your lucky stars that you aren’t in their position, even though you may go out on an extra limb to get your friend’s phone back. Now what if we take that to a higher level? The clothes you wear, the shoes you adore, the shampoo you use, the water you drink, the internet connection you are using to read this, and the chair you’re sitting in, 30% of the world doesn’t have most of the facilities in this list. 

What we call a necessity, some people call it a luxury. Every Friday I spend $4.00 on a coffee at starbucks....I just spend $20.00 on a hair cut that I didn't necessarily need. Now I could give that money to a starving man and he may use the money in such a way that his entire day’s food is adjusted. Do I actually do it? No. 

Appreciating the things we don’t realize, which are existing around us, is something that very few people do. A ceiling fan on a hot day is something you wouldn’t give a second look, because it is supposed to be there. It issupposed to work. The day it stops working, you realize how much comfort the fan brought you....The problem with our generation is that we grew up with everything around us. We don’t realize how lucky we are to have what we have. How many times have you sat back and said, ‘I’m happy with what I have. I don’t require anything else.‘

Both of my parents are from the Birmingham area...As a kid and even now as an adult, one of my favorite things to do while traveling to visit my grandparents was look at the big city lights at night. While everyone was sleeping, my dad would wake me up and tell me to look out the car window at the beautiful glow of the city. My Grandfather (my dad's father) made the absolute best peanut butter pies....I mean it was melt in your mouth good. When he passed away....there were several pies in the freezer that he had made prior...my dad took 2 of those and was bringing them home with us. We were at an intersection at a red light....I am looking out the window when I saw a man approach...Looking very much like the man I described earlier...dirty, tattered clothes...his skin looked like it was worn from many years of hardship. Hardships I will never know about. My dad rolled down the window just a tiny bit and the man asked for money for food. While my dad did not give him money....he reached into the backseat and grabbed one of the pies...and gave it to that man. His eyes filled with tears and he thanked my Dad profusely. The light turned green and we drove off. I protested that we only had 2 pies of Pepaws...and asked why he did that. He looked at me through the rear view mirror and said...."I know what its like to be hungry..." 

As we drove home that night, my dad woke me up to see the lights....and as I sat silently in that back seat and watched those big sky scrapers pass by...I glanced at my dad and caught him wiping a tear from his cheek. My dad, whether he knows it or not, taught me a valuble lesson that day....

We realize the value of things only after we lose them. If we took time to appreciate the things around us, the things people do for us, the little things in life, the state of life we are blessed with, and stop taking things for granted, we can then answer the question on how to live life. No one can define it for you, but you can add value by beginning to appreciate it....

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"I dreamt we walked together along the shore...."

"I dreamt we walked together along the shore.... We made satisfying small talk and laughed. This morning I found sand in my shoe and a seashell in my pocket. Was I only dreaming...."



I feel lost and frantic...I hear you crying... I am trying my best to get to you. I run and run and no matter how hard I run...I can't find you. Every direction I turn, your cries seem to get more and more distant...I feel pain in my side, my legs burn, my chest is tight and I can't breath...I am gasping for air....but yet I continue to run....I vow to myself that I will find you. It feels like I run for hours until finally my legs collapse under me...I have no idea where I am but when my knees hit the ground I feel like I have failed...I have failed you. I can hear you still...very faintly...but I hear you. Tears start to fall and sob uncontrollably. On my knees, a complete and utter wreck...I feel so lost.


I hear a voice that says "Get up"...I say out loud "I can't...I have nothing left in me..." The voice commands again..."Get UP"...This time the voice is louder and more stern..."I reply again "I am trying...I can't...My body is weak, my heart is weak...I have failed..." The voice replies "GET UP! Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go!"  It takes every ounce of strength I have left in my body to peel myself off my knees...my feet start to move in a slow walk...then a slight jog...with every step I feel my body start to strengthen...something has been renewed in me...I am in a full run by this time...sprinting toward the unknown. I hear your cries...as I move they get louder and louder...I am going to find you...I just know it. Arms pumping, feet pounding the ground, heart beating...I burst through an opening...and the crying stops...complete silence. All the darkness has faded...and I see sweet sunshine. I look up at it and feel the warmth on my face...taking a moment to catch my breath....my eyes scan this field that I have found myself in and they stop on a sweet, small baby carriage. I hesitate for some reason....almost scared of what I am going to see....Again, I hear this voice... "Go on...." I  begin walking towards the carriage, quickening my pace as I get closer...

As I reach the carriage and peek inside.... I see a bundle of pink....I see a sweet baby girl with a beautiful pink dress on and a white bonnet...as my hands touch her hand she grabs my finger and I pick her up....I cradle this precious angel and hug her as close as I can get to my heart...I breath in her scent and the try memorizing the feel of her in my arms....I don't want to forget a single second of this. I have this complete sense of calm come over me....and I sit. I sit with my sweet baby girl in my arms and rock her...I tell her I love her....over and over again...I tell her I am sorry...and I continue to rock....

And then I woke up.....and smiled.

Right after I had my miscarriage, I started having the first part of this dream....I would run and run and could never find her...and I would wake up with my heart pounding and have such a panicked feeling. Many times I have cried myself back to sleep with the feeling of loss so heavy on my chest it was hard to breath. As the months went on...I had the dream less and less....would even go months without having it....but ever so often....it would creep back in and I would wake up with tears rolling down my cheek.

On July 30th, which was supposed to be my due date....The day I was supposed to meet my sweet baby. The dream resurfaced again....only this time, I found her. I met her....I found out that out that my sweet baby was indeed a girl....and this time when I woke up, I was smiling. I was excited....and I couldn't fall asleep. I wrote down every detail of that dream I could because I didn't want to forget a single thing. I wanted to relish in the feeling that I had at that very moment.

I have no idea what you believe....and I honestly don't care. You may think I am crazy...and again, I don't care.

 I on the other hand, believe that God knew my pain...he felt my pain....and he gave me the peace I needed. I believe that I met my baby girl that night in my dream....that he gave me that. I can't remember her face...but I remember the feel of her hand in mine...I can close my eyes and I can remember what it felt like having her in my arms and rocking her. I haven't had the dream since that night....Oh I have longed for it...hoped for it...wished for another opportunity to see her again. But I know it probably won't happen....and I am ok with that. As the 1 year anniversary comes up on January 8th, I think about her more and more. I was asked the other day if I felt like I have healed....In some ways, yes....in some ways, no. I think about her often...and I think I always will. As I set out to run Huntsville again this weekend, I can't help but to think about should I have ran last year....Is that what caused me to miscarry....and even though I will never know the answer to that....I still carry that guilt around with me.

God may not ever allow me to have that dream again....but I am thankful for his grace...for his love...for his understanding. I am thankful that he understood my pain and allowed me that moment to touch her face and see her....to sit with her...to tell her how much I love her. I am thankful for the ability to dream...

Until the next time I see you baby girl....I love you....

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"Grief is a tricky, stalking thing..."

“She heard him mutter, 'Can you take away this grief?'
'I'm sorry,' she replied. 'Everyone asks me. And I would not do so even if I knew how. It belongs to you. Only time and tears take away grief; that is what they are for...” 

Grief is a tricky, stalking thing...A shaded presence in my peripherals...breathing on my neck...walking beside me...behind me....and some days suffocating me. You can't always see him...he doesn't show up all the time...he is an uninvited dinner guest...he sneaks up on you...and when he is there...he sits down and makes himself at home for a little while...and then he is gone...giving you the illusion that he has left for good...only to return when you least expect it....

I woke up Monday morning with a heavy heart...there was a a heavy stone sitting on top of my chest making it impossible to breath....I put my running shoes on did the only thing I knew to do...I ran until I literally couldn't breathe...I ran hard...and fast...I ran until I had tears streaming down my face...until I had the biggest hitch it my side and the pain was so unbearable that I had to stop...I sat beside the road and I sobbed...not for the pain in my side...the burn in my lungs...the ache of my legs....but for the pain in my heart...the feeling of loss...the feeling that I had worked so hard to overcome the last 8 months. I got up...wiped my face...took a deep breathe and ran back to my car...

July 31st...that is the day I was supposed to bring home my precious angel...I dread this day...every hour of that day....and everyday leading up to it brings a deeper sense of dread...I feel like I have reliving the day I was told there was no heartbeat over and over and over...A day that was supposed to be filled with such joy will forever be one of sadness. Instead of counting ten perfect tiny fingers and toes....smelling that sweet, perfect newborn smell....marveling at how this tiny being was in my belly for 9 months....Instead of all these wonderful things, I will wake up to a heap of dread...

Two of my dearest friends got to experience motherhood for the first time last week...on the same day...and on my birthday. One is adopting a precious baby girl....She has dreamed about being a mother and has had more than her share of heartbreak...more than anyone should. She is such a strong woman and she always continues to strive...heartbreak after heartbreak. I have watched her from start to finish on this journey and to see her with that perfect little being in her arms...that look of unconditional love in her eyes as she looks into that beautiful baby girls face...it makes me heart so happy for her...

The other girl is part of my soul...the moment we met we clicked...and I knew it was a special friendship. I have watched her grow from a college kid, to an adult with her first big girl job, to a wife...and now a mother. I wasn't able to be there but the pictures she shared and gave me the first "sneak peak" into that special day...were beautiful. You could see the look of pure joy on everyone's face...the picture that stood out to me was a single teardrop rolling from the Mother's eye as she looked down into that perfect face...So much emotion displayed in that one teardrop. I think it summed up the day perfectly...

I feel selfish...because while I am thrilled beyond belief for these 2 ladies...my heart hurts...my arms feel empty...and I feel envious. While looking at their pictures brings a smile to my face...it also brings tears to my eyes. 

I read a blog post a while back that was sent to me from a dear friend...it was stated perfectly that "It's okay not to be okay sometimes..." Today, I am not okay...I long for the baby that was supposed to be mine...I long for the dream of what she or he was going to accomplish in this life....I long to see that face....to feel those tiny fingers....to lay his or her head on my chest and take it all in...I long to not grieve anymore...I long to be okay... 

I am not okay today...and I may not be tomorrow...but someday....I know I will be....and grief won't walk so closely by me....

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"The very least you can do in your life is figure out what you hope for...."

" The very least you can do in your life is figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof...."


It's hard to believe that almost 3 month ago, I was waking into my doctors office getting ready to hear my little one's heartbeat.... Like the other significant events of my life, it seems like yesterday and it seems ages have passed...

I’ve healed a lot during the couple month, physically and spiritually, thanks to the love of my family and friends and some significant amounts of dark chocolate, pizza and running...My running shoes have honestly been the best listener...

The truth is, I’ve had a really hard time writing this, partly because it’s sad and I didn’t know how much to share and partly because for the first time in my life...I didn't have the words.  These are some personal observations I made following my miscarriage. Some of them are blunt and raw but I included them because I've learned quite a few women I know ran into these situations and words after miscarriage. Hopefully, including them here will help us all to be more thoughtful about how powerful our words and actions can be when directed toward a person who has lost someone they love....

I discovered that the “silent pain” of miscarriage is silent for several reasons. Sometimes, it’s easier to just put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Less messy. The pain of losing a child is deep and personal and almost too physically draining to discuss. Second, there is no ceremony, no ritual that marks the passage of an unseen child which would make talking about it seem normal and offer people the freedom to offer their condolences without wondering if they've crossed a line. Lastly, an unborn child is held inside a place of blood and water inside a woman's womb, a topic that seems to be kind of taboo in our culture...

Without a funeral, grief feels illegitimate within a very short time. We’re supposed to put on our happy face and act like we feel better already even though we actually feel like our lives have hit a brick wall and you are left sitting dumbfounded while everyone keeps moving around us. I felt self conscious writing about this again. What would people think? Should I be over it already? Stop feeling sorry for myself?

Even though I said I would allow myself to grieve, I soon discovered it was harder than I thought... The common greeting, “How are you?” usually asked in a social manner, became difficult to answer. A few people asked with genuine interest but most expected the typical “Good.” Especially when the latter was expected by people who knew what I'd been through, I felt like saying, “Let's see, my baby died and I feel horrible" Of course, I clung to the social norm, looked at them with my polite smile and asked, “How are you?” I found that most people wore the all to familiar face of relief...it's not their fault really...They are just as uncomfortable discussing an event that you yourself can't even put into words...

After awkward moments like this, I was even more grateful for kind friends. The best friends didn’t just say, “Let me know if you need anything.” That’s so difficult when you’re usually an independent, strong woman. How does one ask for help? I felt relieved and thankful when friends went out of their way to call me and ask how I was doing, bring a meal, or just grab my hand unexpectedly and give it a squeeze...there were many texts messages telling me "Have a good day"..."I love you"...and the best texts were from my friends who knew me best saying "Have a great day Hot Momma"...They will never know how much that meant...

Some other people in my life tried to “fix” what had happened by offering words they probably hoped would diminish my chances of depression... While I understand their intentions and appreciate that they meant well, their comments still seemed to minimize the grief I was feeling. Some were probably trying to be comforting while others were just uncomfortable with what had happened and didn’t want to talk about it or didn’t know what to say. These kinds of comments often came from the people closest to me - but I realize they were just at a loss for how to help.

“Thank God you’re ok. Now you can just move on with your life and focus on the beautiful children you already have.”

“Well, the important thing is, you’re ok. Now you can just move on with your life.”

"These things happen for a reason..."

"At least it happened really early..."


Catching a theme here? I’m sure these people were just saddened by what happened and wanted to save me from depression by pointing me to the wonderful things in my life. But, I needed a moment to catch my breath and grieve for the dream of the sweet baby I had lost. The truth is, an event like this becomes a part of who we are. I am so thankful for Khristian and Bailey and the Joy They bring to my life daily...But, I loved this baby. I dearly wanted this baby...and when I think about my children as a whole...I will think about this baby...because for a brief moment in time...it was a part of our family...There was a heartbeat....There was arms and legs...and he lived below my heart for 11 weeks....I know at first I was in shock and thought about how we would take care of him... but in the end...I already loved this baby.... And he or she will always occupy a place of love and grief in my heart....he's a part of me now...

Someone said to me, “I know you don’t want to hear this but you’re now a statistic.” You’re right. Didn't want to hear that. But...

This event connected me to a new group of people who have lost children. After my first post, an incredible number of women contacted me with their own stories of loss and grief. Their words were a balm to my heart as I realized I really was not alone. I cherish every message....every story....every single broken heart that that understood and let me know I was not alone...

I kept having this dream...over and over again...this dream would keep me awake at night the first month...not so often now...but every once in a while it will still creep in and steal sleep from me...

This last couple months have seemed so long and so short. I learned a lot about life and myself I didn't realize I needed to learn. While I have felt the normal sadness, anger and depression that comes with loss, something else has taken over my current mood....Hope.  I woke with a hope in my heart that sort of squashed that sad/numb feeling that had previously surrounded me. It was strong enough for me to choose to smile through my tears...

The reason? I know 2 wonderful couples that have suffered loss and disappointment...and more heartache that should be allowed. Both of these couples are getting a sweet sweet baby soon....and it does my heart so good to be able to watch them on this journey. I know its sounds strange...but in a sense watching their joy has diminished my sadness. I couldn't have my angle for whatever reason...but they will....If you are reading my blog (and I know you are)...Thank you...Thank you from the bottom of my heart...and I promise you, the day you hold that sweet baby...I will cry those tears of joy with you....

I still have sad moments and I’m sure they will continue to come at times but for now, I’m willing to take the pain along with the joy...I hold my sweet bailey a little closer at night...I hug Khristian tighter and cherish those sweet peeks on the cheek....and I know there is a sweet angle in heaven that is waiting to meet me one day...and because of these things...I smile.

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"Sweet Sweet baby..."

“Every morning, I wake up and forget for just a second that it happened…But once my eyes open, it buries me like a landslide of sharp, sad rocks. Once my eyes open, I’m heavy…like there’s to much gravity on my heart…”

 

 

My dear sweet baby…


Yesterday was 1 week since I was told you had no heartbeat...I woke up feeling like my heart was to heavy for my body...and even though I knew that you are safely being rocked up in Heaven every part of my body ached to have you safely back in my tummy...

 

My heart is hurting so bad for the things that I will never get to do and I can’t even begin to understand how to process this. I will never get to meet you…lay my eyes upon you…hold your tiny little hand in mine…count your toes and fingers…tell you over and over how wonderfully beautiful you are...rock you... You will never get to meet your older brother or sister....or the huge family that was excited to meet you... Most of all, I will never be able to tell how sorry I am…

 

 I thought that as the days went on that I would make sense of things…that I would see things clearer…but as the time drags on day after day you consume my thoughts and I can’t get one thought straight from the other. I think back to the day in the doctors office when I found out I was pregnant...I cried…not out of joy but out of selfishness. All I could think about was how were your daddy and I going to afford another child…another mouth to feed…and then I thought about how much I was going to dread breastfeeding for another year. Dread…I actually remember thinking that exact word….How incredibly selfish was I? I wasn’t thinking about this gift from heaven that God was giving me…or how much Joy you would add to our life...


Dread…that is what I was thinking...Ashamed does not even begin to describe how I feel...

 

My thoughts revolved around me...How I had worked so hard to get my body back in shape after I had your sister....How little sleep I was going to get...Was I still going to able to run my marathon I had trained so hard for....How I had to give up things for 9 months...me, me me...selfish, selfish, selfish....


While at the Dr’s office, I asked him if I could still run the marathon that I had trained for…seems so unimportant now…but he said yes…as long as I stayed hydrated…so I ran. At mile 23, I started to cramp so I backed off…walked and ran the last 3 miles. Was that you telling me something was wrong? I can’t help but to think “What if” I had not run that weekend would I still have you safe in my stomach??

 

In 1 month’s time, your dad and I had gone through the several stages....Shock, acceptance and finally excitement. We were making plans and coming up with names for you…We were figuring things out and I was starting to see a tiny baby bump and I would smile when I looked in the mirror...You already had your first nickname thanks to your Uncle Adam…”Frank the Tank” Jones…this came about because your dad thought you would be a boy and said that a boy named Tank Jones would be a force to be reckoned with…he was kidding but none the less…the name stuck. I was finally starting to think that this was going to work…that we would be ok…

 

I went in for my 11 week check-up…I was giddy because I was going to hear your heartbeat...Dr. Logan came in the room and checked everything...tried to find the heartbeat as I anxiously waited to heat those tiny little thumps….she was having difficulty finding one and I remember thinking "Stubborn already"... She assured me that this was common at 11 weeks…she didn't seem at all worried something was wrong.....I was sent in for an ultrasound where the nurse took some several pictures..5 minutes of no words being spoken she grabbed the pictures and said she would be right back.


 I knew…I felt it… something was wrong… that word again…Dread…Except this time is was with complete different feelings. This next part I have replayed over and over in my head…from the facial expressions…to the words. Dr. logan walked in with a grim face and said “There is no heartbeat…”  I sat there unable to fully process her words…No heartbeat? How could that be? Why would God allow me to get pregnant when there wasn’t supposed to be a chance of it…then allow this to happen? What was the purpose? The reasoning??

 

I sat there in shock for a moment…I felt tears but they didn’t drop…She talked for a few minutes…I am sure it was reassurance…words of comfort…but honestly, I don’t remember. She gave me a moment by myself to collect myself…I called Travis and asked him to meet me at home… walked through the motions of the D&C appointment…got my next appointment…a few hugs…and walked out the door and into my car where I called my parents…and only then did I cry. I sat in my car…in that parking lot and sobbed like a baby…for the baby that stopped developing at 9 weeks…for you. Was this my punishment? Did God deciede that I was to selfish to give you to me? Of course, I know that our God is a loving God …and has a plan for us….but why this plan???

 

The guilt I feel is crushing me…I feel like I can’t breathe at times. Night is worse…I lay in the bed consumed with thoughts that wont go away. I can’t make heads or tails of anything and all I want is to go back to the first doctors visit…I want to hear your heartbeat. I want to change my reactions…my thoughts…I want to try to change the outcome…I feel that I failed you as a mother…I was supposed to be your protector until you came into this world…and I didn’t do that.

 

I am sorry little one…the only comforting thought I have is that you are playing in heaven with all of the other heaven babies…you have seen the beauty of heaven and will never know the ways of this selfish world. I hope that when the day comes and I finally meet you…that you forgive me….and know that I love you…

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