"Pass Me Not, O Gentle Savior..."

"Then the singing enveloped me... It was furry and resonant, coming from everyone's very heart... There was no sense of performance or judgment, only that the words of the song was breath and food to my heart....”

I have been sitting on this post for a little over a week...it's something that I have been thinking and thinking on..wondering if I should post it...but everytime I start to write something new my mind always travels back to this...
 
While sitting in church a couple Sunday's ago, my preacher said something that has stuck with me...it made the wheels in my little mind start turning and thinking....and analyzing....which I am already so good at doing...I can't remember his exact words but he stated that many churches these days have so many comforts...nice cushioney seats...grand pianos...organs...fancy contraptions that place the words of songs on the wall in front of you...and while there is absolutly nothing wrong with these things...they are unnessesary...He spoke about when he was a young boy..how the pews were made of solid wood..so much so that when you stood up to sing... your Sunday best usually got snagged on a piece of lose wood on the edge...of how there was no piano player..no organs...just the congregation's voices singing as one...
 
This reminds me so much of where I attend church..we are a true and true country church if you have ever seen one...around our area of the country we are most often called "The Cowboy Church"...on a average Sunday you will find around 20 or so people there..and if you come on a really good Sunday...attendance will get to around 50...you will not find men sitting in suits and ties...but men sitting in Wrangler jeans, a button up shirt or polo...and most times, a pair of cowboy boots...I have seen our piano player walk to the piano in a pair of fashionable yellowbox flipflops...and when we don't have a piano player present...well, the men of the church pick up their guitars and we sing...sitting behind the piano you will not see a beautful array of flowers...but a pair of lonesome cowboy boots...not because someone forgot them there...but because they belonged to a very highly respected man of our church that has passed on...he was a true representation of what our church is...a cowboy church...

A member of our church who is a very close personal friend of mine and also our piano player recently had a very difficult and extensive back surgery..and has been out for quite some time due to trying to recover...she is also part of a Gospel group in our church called "Upward Bound"...this surgery has been very hard for her to recover and bounce back from...because of this it has left our church without a piano player...and most Sundays the men of the church have been able to accomodate music for us with their guitars...but on this particular Sunday we had no piano player..not one single guitar...and nothing to play music for us to sing to...instead of letting this stop us... we sang  accapella...and to be honest, I think I got more out of singing that day than I get most Sundays...and here is why...I had no music to distract me from the words I was singing...no rythms to clap my hands to...no melody to sway to...no great guitar solo that needed to be clapped for...absolutly no distraction..it was just my voice along with 20 other people's singing as one to God...the way it was meant to be...

I can't help but to wonder...when did our churches become filled with so many distractions that we forget where our focus should be...cushioned pews, grand pianos, fancy song books, organs...and I could go on with the list..these things are great...but they are simply comforts that most churches offer...Ask yourself this question and answer it honestly...What would happen if we had to attend church back in the days of my grandparents or even my great-grandparents with no air conditioning, no nice pews, and the church was basically just a building of 4 walls that held no paint...I am quite certain that over half of us would choose to stay home...I am speaking for myself as well...I am just as spoiled by the comforts of our world as the next person so please do not think I am passing any kind of judgement on anyone...I realized that on the Sunday as I sang with no music... we as a church had to sing accappela...I remember thinking "Well, if we don't have anything to make music..how are we going to sing"...never passing my mind that we could just sing without music...Then I thought... when we pray...we are praying to God...when we sing...we are singing to God..so what does it matter whether there is nice music to accompany it....when we sit on the pews...we are sitting there to learn about God...so what does it matter is they are cushioned or not...I just love it when God sends me little reminders and brings me back down to reality and humbles me...

I can say this about so many aspects of our life...As a society we are so spoiled...which may be one of the reasons why our world is the way it is...we let so many distractions into our life that we often times lose focus of what is really important...I let myself get so distracted in church with the music that I forgot the most important thing...the words we are singing...our voices are music in Gods ears...

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"I love you...We will help you through this.."

“The best fantasy is written in the language of dreams. It is alive as dreams are alive, more real than real ... for a moment at least ... that long magic moment before we wake..."

As I sat at the Doctor's office yesterday getting my 5 month check up...I noticed a young teenage girl sitting across from me...she was visibly upset and I could only assume it had to do with the freshly printed ultrasound picture that she held in her hand....staring intently at the picture with tears in her eyes...sitting beside her was her father...I only know this because we were sitting so close that I couldnt help but to over hear bits and pieces of the conversation...she looked up from the picture long enough to tell her dad how sorry she was...as his way of a response he grabbed her hand and held it...and then slowly said "I love you"...nothing more...just those words...I almost felt like a intruder for witnessing this fragile moment between father and daughter...but it was also one of those moments that I could not turn away from....As I sat there and observed this scene I could not help but to think of myself 10 years ago..It was at that moment that my name was called to head in to see the doctor...As I gathered my things and started to walk toward the nurse...I, for whatever reason, looked over my shoulder one last time at the young girl...at that exact moment she looked up and we locked eyes for a mere second...just long enough for me to offer her a small smile of comfort...I wanted to run over to her and kneel down and talk to her...I wanted to tell her that things would eventually get better...that she wouldnt feel this way forever...to hold her head up no matter what life throws her way...to breathe...and take one step at a time...instead, I followed the nurse to the back....

While I waited for the doctor to come in to see me..which ended up being over 2 hours due to a emergency delivery she had to attend to...I couldnt get the girl and her father out of my mind...how ironic to me that here I was sitting at my 5 month appointment and I just so happened came to sit across from a young girl that so reminded me of myself from 10 years ago...it was almost like my present self was sitting across from my past self...When I finally was able to see my doctor and leave the office...I am sure the girl was long gone...but I thought about her on the long ride from Montgomery to Troy...and again as I changed clothes, put on my tennis shoes and grabbed my Ipod and set out for a long peaceful 4 mile walk outside in the beautiful spring weather...

As I walked...I let the sounds of  music carry me away into deep thought...I revisited the day my parents found out I was pregnant with Khristian...Again, no secret that I hide my pregnancy...The day before the truth finally came to light, we were at the beach and my back had began to hurt pretty badly...the next day my dad and Step-mom had decieded that it was time to come home and carry me to the Emergency room...I think at this point they had a pretty good idea that I might be pregnant...just not 8 months along...Blood was taken...a IV was administered since it was apparent I was severly dehydrated...after 3 bags of IV...Dr.Robledo entered my hospital room and sat the paperwork on the bed beside me...it was just him and I in the room and he gave me this knowing look...At the time, I remember looking into his eyes and feeling nothing but judgement...as I think back on it now ,I know it wasnt judgement in his eyes...it was a look of compassion...a look of understanding...it was the same look that I had given then young girl earlier in the day at my doctors appointment...he looked me and simply said "You know don't you? .... to which I replyed " I have no idea what your talking about..." I was still in such a place of denial that even when the truth was right there in his hands in black and white...I continued to deny it...He looked at me once more and picked up the folder with all my tests in them...and simply stated once more "You know dont you?" ... I couldnt meet his eyes...softly I replyed "Yes...I know"... oddly enough, that was the first time I had actually admitted out loud to anyone that yes...I was ,in fact, pregnant...I had gotten so good at denying and lying that the truth sounded weird coming from my lips...he said "You have to tell your parents now..." ... I shook my head and stated very matter of factly "No I don't!" ... The last thing he said to me was "You have to...sooner or later..." and left the room...

What I failed to know at the time was that my dad and step-mom were waiting outside for him and as soon as he left the room...he walked over to my parents...by law he could not tell them that I was pregnant...but he had known my parents for some time...I believe that he knew that one of my biggest fears was the disappointment of my parents and abondonment...so when they asked him "Is she pregnant?" ...Dr. Robledo looked at them...with a slight motion of his head he indicated yes...and in the same moment told them that they needed to speak with me...

As we all left the Emergency Room...my dad drove us to the Coffee Kettle that was still open in Troy at the time...I laugh as I think back on this little detail and it's simply that you would have to understand our family history with the Coffee Kettle...so many memories has happended in that little coffee shop that I can't even begin to name them off...it seems only fitting that we go there at this exact moment...I ordered 2 eggs over easy and toast...my parents...coffee as ususal...we had a little bit of small talk for around 15 minutes...I think they were trying to give me the opportunity to tell them on my own...but I had already closed myself up again...in my own state of denial...I can hear my dad's voice as clear as a bell to this day when he finally could not stand it any longer and said "I know your pregnant".... the flood gates opened and I started to cry..no, I take that back...I started sobbing....snotty nose and all...before I could say anything my dad grabbed my hand and said "I love you...we will help you through this..." He said more...lots more...but to be honest, I can't remember anything else...I just remember him grabbing my hand and holding it...tight...and saying "I love you...We will help you through this.."

Gina and I were not near as close then as we are now...that would come over time...and I had no clue then as to how big she would influence me or my life...but before I knew it she was on the phone with my aunt who is a social worker getting me a doctors appointment for the next day...my aunt in return started the applications for medicaid and any other form of assistance I would need...things were happening at a whirlwinds pace...but for me it was kind of in slow motion...I felt relieved that my parents now knew...that my secret had finally been revealed...but still the weight of what was about to happen was on my chest...the only thing that allowed me to breathe that night was the feel of my daddy's hand in mine and the look in his eyes when he said "I love you" and gave me a hug. The next day I gave birth to a handsome 8 lb 13 ounce little boy...

As I fell asleep last night..the young girl from earlier in the day and this memory were etched in my mind...I drifted off into dream land...and thats exactly what I did....dream...I don't remember every single detail from my dream as most our dreams fade away soon after we wake up...what I do remember is sitting as my present self in the booth across from past self and my parents at the Coffee Kettle...I was a mere image watching my memory play itself out...I could see my face...I could see my parents face...I could smell the food sitting on the table...and I could hear the words being spoken...but as much as I wanted to intervene and tell my past self that everything would work out..to just look at me...I couldnt...I was just a observer watching the scene unfold....finally at the end of my dream...the 17 year old version of myself turned in my direction and we locked eyes...and in the next moment we smiled at each other...and I woke up...

I have come full circle...my uncle made a comment earlier yesterday that really stuck out to me...he said "It's completly different when you plan for it and you are ready, isnt it?"...he was talking about becoming pregnant...he is more right than he will ever know...I believe the meaning of my dream is simple...my present 28 year old self has finally become at peace with my past 17 year old self.... =)

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"Hey there Sweet Sunshine..."

Hey there Sweet Sunshine...


You are not here with me yet...you are still tucked safely away in my tummy until you are ready to make your appearance...I used to write letters to your older brother when he was a tiny little baby but I have decieded I wanted to start early with you...I felt you move last night for the first time...it was the tinest of a little flutter...so small and subtle...but I knew it was you making yourself known...whats so special about that is I was the only one that could feel it...You are still so tiny that noone else can feel you move just yet...but I did...and that makes my heart smile...you make my heart smile...

I call you my Sweet Sunshine because I have a strong feeling you are going to shine so brightly in this big 'ole world...you are going to make your own way...travel your own path...and surprise your daddy and I with the the things you do and the places you will go...

I sit and wonder what you will be like...Will your hair be curly like mine or straight as a board like your daddys....Will you have my tiny little eyes or big and bold like your daddys...Will you be as stubborn and strong-willed as your brother and not be shy about it...or will you have a quiet strength about you that only comes out when needed...Will you be musically talented like your daddy or can't sing a single solitair note like me...I don't know any of these things right now...but I do know whoever you come out being...you will be you...you will be unique...there will never be anyone else like you...cherish that...we often times in this world try so hard to be someone else or rather something else that we don't ever just sit back and appreciate who we actually are...know who you are and stand tall...embrace all your strengths and faults and don't hide from them...because those are the things that will ultimately set you apart from all the rest of the world...

I have been working on a list of things that I want you to always remember on your journey through life...there will be times in your life that you will need some insight...I know that I cannot (and should not) make your life perfect... I know that eventually you will venture out into the world on your own.... You will have to face your own dragons and learn many things the hard way...I know that most of what I tell you... even the things I might whisper in the quiet dark of your room while you sleep will remain unheard for a very long time..our worlds are very far apart...separated by a generation and a lifetime of experiences...Even so, there are things I want you to always remember....I will tell you these things today... tomorrow...and the day after that...and the day after that... I will repeat them over and over until they echo so clearly in your head that you can hear me clearly saying them to you in your happiest times and times of most despair... These are the things that I believe will help you create your own happiness ...grow it in her your own heart instead of searching for it in other people and places...look within yourself to find what I already know is there...

1.I love you forever...always will...

2.There is no one else exactly like you in the whole world.... Cherish your unique self....

3.You deserve love, admiration, honesty, respect, and second chances...and don't let anyone tell you any different...

4.You have the right to use your voice...any time, any place, on any topic...but be respectful of others opinions...just because it may not match your own does not make it any less important...

5.You are beautiful...even on those days when you look in the mirror and that little voice in the back of your is telling you that your not...reapeat it to yourself...YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL...

6.Beauty is not just skin deep...it resides on the inside of you...physical beauty will fade over time...a beautiful soul lasts forever....

7.True friends make you laugh and feel good about yourself...thats not saying you will not fight...but remember the only reason you fight is because you look at each other like family...

8.Find true love...not the kind of love that you think is true love in High School...but true, unconditional love...all consuming love...the kind of love that makes you want to be a better person and brings out the absolute best in you...

9.Girls can do anything boys can do … and boys really do have cooties.. =)

10.Taking time for yourself is important... even if it's just a few minutes of listening to your favorite song...or finding you a small corner and reading a book...go for a walk...listen to your thoughts in those quite moments...

11.You can always come home...Always...no matter where the road leads you...

12.You can tell me anything....I may not always like what you are saying...but I will respect you enough to listen to you because I love you...

13.You don’t always have to follow the rules, (this applies for when you get older...alot older...)  but …

14.… always follow your heart....

15.There’s no such thing as failure.... Learn from every experience....but also learn from others expierences...

16.You are loved more than you will ever know...you have a huge family that will always be in your corner...

17.Anything is possible if you believe....sometimes you may be the only one that believes..but you just have to take a leap of faith...

18.There are few things a hot cup of coffee,  a good book, and the perfect song won’t fix....

19.Go after your passion with a vengeance, but …

20.… remember to slow down and savor the journey along the way....

21.Sometimes it’s okay to eat dessert first....

22.Don’t wait for things to be “perfect” before you do something....If I had then I wouldnt have you...

23.Keep your eye on the Big Picture... but revel in the details....those are the things you will remember along the way...

24.Trust yourself... You are smart enough, strong enough, and brave enough...

25.It’s okay if you don’t know all the answers...Sometimes it’s a better place to start from....

26.The Golden Rule is the easiest standard to live by...

27 .Travel is the best teacher...but always be safe and be smart... The world is a beautiful place with many beautiful sights and lessons... but it is not without its sharp edges and harsh realities...

28.Never compromise your beliefs or your morals... not for stature, approval, or anything else...when you have lost everthing else...you can hold your head hig for standing up for your beliefs...

29.Manners count...say Please, Thank you, and always say Yes'Mam and No'Mam to adults...

30. Learn to laugh at yourself and life will suddenly seem much easier...

31.It’s okay to be fragile sometimes... Life can be like that....but make sure you don't shatter...and if you do...surround yourself with people that will help you put the pieces back together...

32. I am always so proud of you....I may not be proud of the choices you have made..or the path you go down...but I always proud of YOU...my daughter...my sweet sunshine...

33. Always accept blame for your actions... No one else is responsible for your actions or reactions....

34. Make sure that every decition you make is one you will be proud of...You can walk away from what others think of you... but you are the one person you can’t run away from...

35. You’re never too old to enjoy silliness... Try to work some into every day, because we all need a daily giggle....

36. No one is perfect... Give genuine apologies and ask for forgiveness when needed...be humble...

37. Leave a spot for God in your life and heart...he will never forsake you...he is a loving a just God...we may not always understand what his plans for us are...but we have to believe in our faith...and put our trust in him...

38. Stand on your own two feet...but never be afraid to ask for help when needed...we all need a helping hand every once in a while...

39. Always...Always...Always...believe in yourself...



You are going to be a amazing person...and as your mother...I can't wait to meet you and watch you grow every single day into the young woman that you are meant to be...and I am proud that God choose you to complete our little family...

Love you Always... =)


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