" Looking back..."

"But it's a low low road...You've gotta roll down...Before you find your way, my friend...And it's a high, high hill ...You've gotta climb up....Before you get to the top again..."


The above quote is from a song by Grace Potter & the Nocturnals...this song speaks loud and clear to me...I love music...It's a part of me...it's in my soul...my heart...there is a song for every emotion out there..Often times its comforting to know that somewhere in this overwhelming world..there is someone that shares these emotions....and sometimes when you can't speak the words yourself...someone else can sing them for you...

Everyone has lost their way at one point or another in this life..you have rolled down that hill...feeling as though you don't have a friend in the world... that you are truly at your lowest point..."How could it get any worse? How did this happen?"and the ever present question "Why?"... you revel in your despair.. the heavy weight of sadness...maybe even betrayal...you wonder around aimlessly..blindly...you have lost all sense of direction..you doubt your judgement..doubt everything within yourself...

At this point you have two choices...get up and start the long climb back up that hill..or lay there on the cold, hard ground and slowly let yourself disappear...There have been times in my life that this was me...I was laying on that ground...trying to find my way again...I had no direction..lost...and I felt completly alone...and just when I thought I couldnt go on... an old friend that I left by the waste side a long time ago and my family came and took me by the hand and said "Let's walk this hill together..I won't let you fall again.."

My birthday was this past Saturday and it was kinda special for me...you see, the last birthday party I had was when I came home from the hospital with Khristian..I turned 18...I walked in the door and there was my family...with balloons...and sign that was colored and said "Happy 18th Birthday Jessica" (I still have this tucked away)...and a chocolate cake (even then I loved chocolate)..I made my wish and blew out the candles with my new born son laying awkwardly in my arms...my wish was simple... to just disappear...I held it together long enough to eat cake..socialize... and thank everyone for coming...and then went into my room..shut the door and cryed till my eyes were raw...

This past friday night...my parents threw me a little birthday party when I got off work..I turned 28...there was no sign..no balloons...but there was my daddy and stepmom...my son and my husband...(and a gigantic steak and a 5 layer cake that my daddy worked on for a week) and this year as they sang happy birthday to me and I blew out the candles...I had no wish...because I told God that nothing in the world could possibly be better than this...I did cry on the way home..but it was tears of gratitude and just a overall feeling of love...

As I think back over the last 10 years of my life...I am astounded at how far I have traveled...I have come from being a 17 year old single mother of a new born baby boy with no direction in her life...to being a successful mother of a healthy and extremly active 10 year old boy and I married my best friend 6 years ago...I have lost and found new friends along the way...but more importantly...I found my happiness...and I learned that God's grace abounds....I have encountered many trials..but nothing that I havent overcome..I can't talk about my journey without talking about my family..There have been so many times that I have felt like throwing in the towel and just saying "To heck with it"...wondering what I was doing...and whether it be my daddy..my step-mom...my younger brother...or most recently...my uncle....they have pushed and guided me..giving me the courage to accomplish each one of my goals..The lessons I have learned are priceless...are so are my family...

10 years...a decade...It has been a tough road...a long road...and the journey is not over...there is far more to come as I continue to climb the hill of life...

Oh..and in case your wondering who the old friend was that grabbed my hand at the bottom of that hill...It was my good friend Jesus...and he has never left my side or let me fall since... :)

Read more...

"Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness..."

"A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream. The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation. The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime. But a few days later he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.



"I've been thinking," he said, "I know how valuable the stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious. Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone..."



Can you remember ever having a day when nothing seemed to be going right....you woke up on the wrong side of bed..the kids have a horrible attitude..your running late...then you spill coffee on your brilliantly white shirt..you really don't have to time to change but you have no choice as today is that big meeting that you have with all the bigwigs in your department...you finally get everyone in the car and buckled up only to discover...you walked right out the house without you keys...Its one dillema right after another and before you even get to work you feel like you just want to throw your hands up and say "I'm done..I'm going home!"....When all the sudden a fresh cup of coffee arrives on your desk...you don't know where it came from..or rather who it came from...but its just enough to make you take a nice deep breath, close your eyes for a moment, a slow smile starts to creep across your face...and you feel a sense of calmness come over you....your ready to take on the rest of the day....


I read a friends blog a while back and it was on "Paying it Forward"...now I (as has many of you) have seen the movie...but I never really gave it much thought until I read this very sweet persons blog...She detailed how she challenged herself to do little anonymous things for either total strangers or people she knew....Well...after reading this I decieded that I would challenge myself to do the same thing...The challenge was for one whole week I would do one anonymous nice thing for someone each day...I wanted no credit...It was totally anonymous...


I have a several blank cards at my house that I keep stored for last minute birthdays or just anything else that may pop up unexpectantly...So, on Monday I grabbed one of these cards and wrote on the inside "There are big ships and small ships but the best ship of all is friendship...I hope you have a great day!" I didn't sign my name...I just slipped into a envelope and wrote my friends name on the outside....As I was driving to work...I pulled onto the side of the road and slipped the card into her mailbox and then drove off...I knew this friend needed some kind words...and I could only smile when I talked to her later in the week as she told me about this "random" card that showed up in her mailbox and how it made her smile...


On Tuesday, I stopped and got me a cup of coffee at the bookstore here on campus and while no one was in the bookstore at the time I knew it was only a matter of time before someone came in and ordered another coffee...so what did I do...When I paid for my coffee I told the cashier to also ring up a Venti (large) coffee and give it to the next person that walked in and ordered a coffee...Now, all of you coffee drinkers out there know..sometimes that big cup of caffeine can be your golden ticket to having a good day...


Wednesday was a tad bit harder...I have some rose bushes in my backyard so I cut a beautiful array of roses off and arranged them in a small vase with some water...My plan was to place these flowers on a woman's desk at work that I know that always has a kind word to say or a smile to offer...well...when I got to work she was already seated at her desk...so I periodically had to walk by her office to see when she was gone (I almost felt like a spy)  so I could slid the vase on her desk without anyone seeing me..I attached a note that said..."Have a blessed day!"...I have not talked to her since I placed these flowers on her desk but I can imagine her surprise when she saw them...


By Thursday, I was really loving the way that doing these anonymous nice things made me feel...No matter how frustrated..angry..tired...or anything else I was feeling from my day..I knew that I had made someone out there smile (or at least I hope I did)...So that afternoon before I left work...I put a sticky note on the garbage can under my desk..the note was for the cleaning lady that comes in every night and changes the garbage bags and vacuums the floors....It said " Thank you so much for your service...I don't know you..or your name....but I just wanted to tell you Thank you!" ...well this morning when I came in there was another sticky note attached to my garbage can that said "Your welcome young Lady... You made my night...and my name is Debra.. :)" How awesome is that!?


So to finish out the week... this morning Khristian and I went through the drive thru at Daylight Doughnuts..we both ordered us yummy sausage roll.... when a white car pulled up behind me with a women that looked like she was in the worst mood possible...and what better on a bad morning than a glazed chocolate doughnut...(In my world, Chocolate can just about fix anything)..So, I went ahead and paid for her a chocolate doughnut and told the cashier to give it to her and tell her "Happy Friday" when she pulled up to the window...I had already pulled out onto 231 by the time that the cashier handed her the chocolatey goodness...


As this week comes to a close..I feel a twinge of sadness because I actually looked forward everyday to making some random person smile...no matter what may be going in their life..for just that moment...they felt a tad bit better because I took just a sliver of time out of my day to do something nice for them...I payed it forward...I don't want to get all "Hallmark card" mushy on you...but..what if we all did this? It doesnt have to be everyday...or every week...and you dont have to spend any money...but what if you just offered someone a friendly wave...or a "Hey, how are you?" and actually look interested to hear the answer...We are all guilty of it...we get so consumed with whats going on in our own life that we forget that people around us everyday are fighting his or her own personal battles....The women at the bank that goes home every night to her husband fighting cancer....or the man that is stuggling to pay his mortgage that has a wife and a new baby at home...Or the little old lady that lives out in the country and needs someone to check in on her every now and then...No matter what the situation is...we are all fighting our own battles..and sometimes compassion for another human being can go a long way in a world that has forgotten what the word "Compassion" means...


Too often we underestimate the power of a touch... a smile..a kind word... a listening ear... an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around


So..in closing...I challenge each of you..Try it...Pay it Forward...What could it hurt.. :)

Read more...

"God hear's my prayers..."

I am supposed to be working on a faculty list for work right now...but I find myself sitting right here...typing away..writing...I cant concentrate on anything else...

I had someone close to me make a somewhat negative comment quite recently and it has bothered me every since it was said...I guess its my first real encounter with someone's complete lack of faith in me...and it truly bothers me down to my core...every since I have started on this writing journey I have recieved nothing but completely positive feedback from my family and friends...but still I have tryed to prepare myself for the rejection or doubt that I knew would eventually travel my way...but I just didnt expect it to come from a source so close to my heart...

As I layed in bed last night...I let that doubt creep into my mind and start to spread...doubt is truly like poison...it consumes you if you let it...negative thoughts started coming from every which way and I started buying into them...I couldnt help it...If this person that I cared about didnt have faith in me..how could I have faith in myself??

I had a fitfull night of sleep...tossed and turned...woke up just about evey hour on the hour...and that truly makes a night seem that much longer...because in the silence of the night...when all is quiet in the house...there is no laundry that needs to be done...the kitchen is clean...no kids to take care of...no husband to talk to...there is just you, the silence, and your poisonous thoughts of self doubt...

I prayed a silent prayer in that complete silence...I told God that I felt torn..that I didnt know what I was doing...and I needed his guidance...Every person wants to feel as though they have a purpose on this earth..a talent that was given to them to use in some sort of fashion...Was this the path that I am supposed to take or was I just fooling myself?

Waking up this morning..my eyelids are heavy...my heart is a bit discouraged...and I can't seem to make that smile on my face stay for very long...I have a book sitting right here on my desk at work that while my computer is booting up I read my Daily Devotional...It usually helps me get my day started right at work...

Here is what today's Devotional said:

Thank you God for answering yet another one of my prayers....

Read more...

"If tears could build a stairway..And memories a lane...I'd walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again..."

I ran across this quote a couple weeks ago while just doing a general search on the internet and it has stuck with me...A couple weeks ago was the 1 year anniversary of my grandmother's death...and it seems that every turn I make since seeing this quote I see..smell..or hear something that reminds me of her...

Some of my favorite memories that I often think of is whenever my brother, sister, and I would go to visit her in Birmingham she would always..and I do mean always...have a huge pot of Chicken and Dumplings on the stove..now, I am talking about out of a can chicken and dumplings..no...she would sit in that kitchen for hours cooking enough for a army...the dumplings were homemade and I promise you...those dumplings were the best thing you ever put in your mouth...What I wouldnt give just to have one more pot of that...or just to walk in and see her standing at the kitchen counter pulling the chicken apart and rolling out the dough...or to stand beside her on a chair and help...

Well after you got your belly full of her famous dumplings you could always go to her deep freeze on the back porch and open up the lid...and what was inside....a huge box of chocolate popcycles...and when you decieded you wanted a snack later...there was a huge jar of pickles in the refrigerator...I guess you could say for my grandmother that cooking was love...In the mornings we would wake up to the smell of homemade biscuits and gravy, bacon, eggs and anything else she thought you could fit on your plate...Oh how I smile at thinking of these things...

When I was a little girl I always loved going to her house...you see in her bathroom behing the mirror was any color of nail polish you could possibly want...I would spend hours painting my nails and toenails..and she even let me paint hers every now and then..even though my nail painting skills was quite a bit more sloppy than hers...oh and the jewelry...She would walk into the room and just dissolve into a fit of giggles at the site of me...There I was maybe 50 pounds soak and wet...loaded down with as many necklaces, bracelets and rings as I could get on...along with my bright red finger and toenails...I assure you, I was a sight to see...She would laugh and come give me the biggest kiss on my cheek...Her smile could brighten up any dreary day...I have a huge love of old records...and I have her to thank for this...I would sit in front of her old record player on the living room floor for hours just playing one record after another...I would have them spread out all over the floor...Before I knew it hours had passed...I would get lost in the rythms..the sounds...the words..I guess you could say this is where my love of music first started...right there on that living room floor...

Every year for Christmas she would buy me a porcelian doll...not a cheap one either...but one of quality and let me tell you...she would be the most gorgeous doll...she would hand pick it out..and thats what made it even more special...She would start in July finding just the right present for you..and it couldnt be just any ole present...it had to be the perfect one...Birthdays....we always knew that we were going to get a card in the mail...I dont know about my brother and sister...but I for one looked forward to it every year...She always had a way of making you feel special...she would address the card to "Master Jessica Andrews" or "Princess Jessica Andrews"....and on the inside was a crisp $20.00 bill...as my birthday approaches next week...I know that I wont be getting a card in the mail but I do know that she is smiling down on me in Heaven..probably cooking enough for Gods Army...
I know most of you have seen the necklace I wear a good bit..it is a silver box on a silver chain...It is called a prayer box..she gave me and my sister one a couple years before she got alzeihmers...She knew how much I loved silver...There is not a single time that I put this necklace on and I dont think of her...I have a piece of paper on the inside of the prayer box...and it simply says "Keep my family and friends safe"...and I know that she is up in heaven right now helping God do just that...

The quote at the beginning of this blog says that I'd walk up to heaven and bring you home again...I dont agree with that statement....She is home...The world that she left is not the world that she would be coming back to...the only thing I regret is that Khristian will not be able to know how wonderful of a women she was...I can only keep her alive through these memories..and I intend to do just that...

I love you Nanny...

Read more...

"Growing up is not for the faint of heart..."

"I know why families were created with all their imperfections... They humanize you... They are made to make you forget yourself occasionally, so that the beautiful balance of life is not destroyed.."


All mother's have to go through it at one point or another...you all know what I'm talking about...the point that you realize your "baby" boy or girl is growing up and they may not need you as much as they used to..they become more and more independant and before long...well...you feel like you are left on the sidelines of their life...just a bystander...More times than not it gets worse as they get older...and over time you realize that they are not hurting you intentionally..they are just doing what is nature...they are growing up...

A couple weeks ago while at baseball practice..Khristian went in for a great catch and fell pretty hard on his left shoulder...now anyone who knows Khristian will tell you he is definatly a first class Drama King...so I thought this time was no different...he cried for a little bit at first and I was about to tell him to suck it up and get back on the field (Yes...I am that type of mother) but as his mother I know when he is "really" hurting...he couldnt even raise his arm all the way and didnt want anyone to touch his shoulder...My parents and I took his shirt off so we could get a better look at it..when I went to rotate his shoulder I felt it pop...I instantly knew we had to go get X-Rays...I called Travis as Khristian was saying "Call daddy and tell him to meet us there"...My parents followed me over to the Doctors office (because thats what they do..and they have always done since he was a baby) and when I got to SARHA Travis was already in the parking lot waiting on us...As soon as Khristian got out of the car he was in tears telling his daddy "What if I don't get to play in the tournament??" I had tryed everything on the car ride over to pursuade Khristian to think postive..we even prayed...and I told him that I'm sure nothing was broken and for us to wait and see what the Doctor said...but nothing I said seemed to stick...but as soon as his daddy told him that "It was alright and he was sure nothing was broken..just jammed..." Khristian instantly took on a whole new attitude....He calmed down and turned to me and said "Mom...I dont think anything is broken anymore"...

Now as happy as I was that he was now calmed down..and not in tears (as all mothers hate to see there children in pain) I was also a little hurt...I had always been the one to calm Khristians fears..wipe his tears...take away his pain...and now it seemed like he didnt need that from me anymore...Travis had now moved into that role...

After we got checked in and the insurance stuff was squared away..they told us to go on back...Travis, Khristian and I made our way to the back of the Doctors office where we sat in a little room..the nurse came in took his temp..his Blood pressure...his weight..and asked him on a scale of 1 - 10 how bad his pain was..he said a 11 (Told he was dramatic)...she then took us upstairs to get X-rays done...I was thinking finally...we get to see what is wrong....I was getting prepared to go in the X-ray room with him when the nurse asked Khristian "Now only one person can go in the room with you...which one do you want?"...to which Khristian replied... "My daddy.."

My heart dropped into my stomach...I placed a smile on my face and gave him a kiss on the forehead and told him I would be right outside..For the first time his 9 years of life...I watched as the door closed and I was left sitting in a chair in the waiting room....Let me tell you....that hurt...I mean, I felt it in my heart...it was then that I really realized...he doesnt need me as much as he used to...he is growing up...I texted my stepmother who was still sitting downstairs in the main waiting room and she told me it was a "Boy" thing...and I understood that...but it sure didnt make my heart feel any better...

I am not going to lie..my feelings were hurt..I dont even know if hurt is the right word but I do know I felt absolutly crushed...I sobbed like a baby on Travis shoulder and he simply sat there and let me..saying nothing...just being there...and kissed me on the forehead when I was done...I looked up at him and said "My little boy is not such a little boy anymore, is he?"...That little boy will be 10 this coming Saturday (the 9th)..what a great 10 years it has been...we have cryed together..laughed together...and honestly we have grown up together...It is hard for me to watch this transition take place...and I know it is just him growing up as all kids do...but again..it doesnt make it any easier on my heart...

The more that I have pondered over this..I have come to realize something..In the moment, my feeling were hurt because I was thinking about myself...how much he didnt need "me" anymore...but once I had a little bit of time to process and see the bigger picture...I am so blessed to have a man like Travis that is such a huge influence in Khristians life...I am in awe of their relationship and I hope it does nothing but grow as Khristian becomes a teenager...I know he still needs me...but I also know that a little boy needs his daddy...daddys teach you how to throw a football...they teach you how to hold the bat just right to get that grand slam...they teach you how to shoot a BB gun...they teach you how to be tough when you are hurt....and they teach you how to be a man...

I cannot tell you how much I have grown and learned over this last 10 years of being Khristians mother...but I can tell you some things that my sweet baby boy has taught me...He has taught me humility...he has taught me about being selfless...he has taught me about a whole new level of love that I never knew could exist...he has taught me how to be a better mother... =)

" I'll love you forever..I like you for always..as long as I living..my baby you'll be..."
(An excert from mine and Khristians favorite book)

Read more...