"My Relationship with God.."

As I sat down to start this blog, I had every intension of continuing with part 2 of "Helping Hands.." but something else has been tugging at my heart for 2 days now and I just felt led to write about this...

Many of you know about the tragic accident that took 2 precious lives just a little over a month ago...Brittany and Shep Pugh...I had seen Britt and Shep a week prior to the accident..and let me tell you...she was as beautiful as ever and that smile was the same..It could brighten up a entire room...Shep was all smiles as well..Just like his momma..We talked for about a good 5 minutes and then sadly we had to part ways...We both said how good it was to see each other and that now that her Brother and Sister in Law lived right down the road from me that we would have to visit sometime...I remember thinking as we parted ways how beautiful of a person she really was..I mean, you can really tell if someone is genuine or not..and Britt was one of the most genuine people I knew...

Brooke, Britt's sister, is keeping Britt's memory alive through her Facebook page...From the time of Britt and baby Shep's departure from this earth..she has been sitting down just about every night and journaling through Britt's page...I have spent the last 2 days going through these posts..reading them..taking them to heart..I am simply amazed at the Shepard and Pugh familys strength and in this time of need of how stronge their faith is in our all mighty God...Brooke has touched so many lives through her words and she never loses sight of our heavenly father..through all her pain, sadness, anger, and disbelieve..she leans of God's support and divine intervension to carry her through..she has posted "Signs" that Britt and Baby Shep have sent from above to let her family know..she is still there with them and things will one day be alright..she has given them these signs to keep them going..day to day..It has been so inspirational for me to read these journal entrys from Brooke...

There is several thoughts that keep coming to my mind as I think back on reading these posts..Britt was so stronge in her faith..and look at what an amazing legacy she left behind in her death..This leads me to ask myself...What kind of legacy will I leave behind one day? Have I impacted someone's life the way many have impacted mine?? It also leads me to look at my relationship with God...When you spoke to Britt you could see how stronge her faith and relationship with God was..it shined through her...Does my relationship with God shine through that stronge?? What kind of impression am I giving off to the world? You know...something that my preacher said during last Sunday's message comes back into my mind here...he said "We grumble and complain about having to give God 60 minutes out of our time by going to church on Sunday morning...but what if God only gave us 60 minutes of his time"...what if when we called on him in prayer and he simply said "Oh I have already given you 60 minutes of my time..got to wait till next week"...I am guilty of this..I often don't have time (or I choose not to make the time) to read my daily devotional and bible...I say in my mind on Sunday morning "Cant we just stay home today?"..I have become so lax on my faith here lately that I ashamed to say it...I know without a doubt that Britt gave God more than 60 minutes of her time..he radiated through her...I have not been walking the walk here lately...and I know that if I died today...my legacy would not be what I would want it to be...

In one of the posts on Britt's page...one of the signs was the time 11:11...3 times in the last 2 days have I looked at the clock and the time read 11:11...Travis even said he looked at the clock on Tuesday and the time was..yep..you guessed it..11:11...I dont believe that this was coincidence...I believe God is using Britt and Shep to draw others closer to God...making them re-examine their relationship...making me re-examine my relationship...

I also just finished reading a book called "Heaven is Real"...its a must read..go buy it today and read it...this book is amazing...it tells of a little boys amazing trip to heaven..and he comes back to earth knowing what heaven is like..seeing our father in heaven..knowing things that he could only know by actually going there...I couldnt put it down the moment I started reading it..there were parts that gave me goosebumps and I just knew..this was real..it really happened..God is speaking through this little boy and touching lives..he touched mine..

Between reading this book and reading Brooke's journal entries..and the the fact that I keep seeing 11:11 for the past 2 days...I know God is speaking to my heart...telling me that he is there...he loves me..but its up to me to do my part now...I must re-examine my relationship with him and refocus my life... :)

Read more...

"Helping Hands..."

"Today can be a healthy unusual day for you -- and for others -- if you take time to give someone a smile . . . to express a word of kindness . . . to lend a helping hand to someone in need . . . to write a note of gratitude . . . to give a word of encouragement to someone who is temporarily overcome with problems . . . to share a portion of your material possessions with others.”


I sit here tonight reflecting on my life...reflecting on the people in my life...and how I have come to this point...Truth is, I couldnt have done it without a helping hand..several actually...

I truly dont understand how people do it on there own..I mean, they have no one to fall back on when things are to much to bear..noone to turn to as the pieces of there life crumble at their feet...and noone to offer a helping hand when they are lying on the floor..broken by the world...

Tonight, I am reflecting on a time when I had to fall back on my loved ones..oddly enough, the people that I am speaking of..well to be honest here...at that point in my life I can honestly say that it was not expected..I was surprised and taken aback...Just goes to show, that people can still surprise you...

I remember so vividly the first year of Khristian's life..I think I can honestly say that year was one of the toughest years of my life..Khristian was a very sick little boy...He had 3 different doctors..a ENT specialist and a Asthma specialist at the Childrens Hospital in Birmingham and he had his regular pediatrician (who all the nurses knew us my name because we were in there so much)...I believe we spent more time in the hospital here in Troy than I thought was possible (all the nurses in the ER knew us by name as well) You see, Khristian had severe Asthma, acid reflux, he had 2 sets of tubes and his adnoids taken out...all in this first year...we also underwent multiple tests at childrens Hospital in Birmingham...Leukemia and Cystic Fybrosis...I remember each time the nurses would come to the room to take him back for whatever reason it was at the time..it was heart wrenching...I cryed till there was no tears left to cry... and then I sat there and prayed to God...I remember each time I woke up at night and Khristians onsie that he was wearing was drenched in sweat due to the fact that his temperature was so high..and after giving him 2 breathing treatments back to back..he was still wheezing like a 89 year old man that had smoked all of his life...we drove him to the Emergency Room and I had to hold my screaming baby down as they poked and poked him with needles trying to get a IV in his arm because he was dehydrated..I cryed right along side him and I couldnt hardly take it...I remember night after night, Khristian screaming for hours..and I mean hours...I would rock..bounce..hold...sing...everything you could think of to get him to calm down until there was nothing else for me to but to sit down with him in the chair and rock him as he cryed and I cryed right along side him..begging him to be quiet..begging God to help me help him..to make whatever was ailing him go away...I remember him being in the hsopital and the nurse taking his oxygen level and it being 20 points below what it was supposed to be and him having to be put on oxygen due to the fact that his air way was closing up and he couldnt breathe...

I tell you all this..because during this difficult time I was not alone...My step-mother and my dad was there...every doctors appointment..every hospital stay...every sick and sleepless night...every step of the way these people were there...holding my hand and saying "Jess, Its going to be alright"...Every tear I cryed for my baby boy I know they cryed the same tears..Every sleepless night, they were right there...Khristians first step.his first toothe..his first hair cut...They were there...never leaving our side...

When I had Khristian, I was clueless as to how to care for a baby..I had no clue as to how to make formula.. steralize bottles..clean out a babys nose...I had no idea how to budget money...I had no car..no drivers licence..I had next to nothing...Gina helped me alot with these things...she dilegently taught me how to care for a baby and become a mother...she sat down with me and helped me come up with a monthly budget that I have stuck to for many years and in return it has helped me become a well budgeted person...She taught me where my priorities should lie and that even though life doesnt always work out the way we think it should...its up to us to change these things and make the best out of the situation..Now thats not to say that her and I didnt butt heads a few times..we did..many many times...and there were times that we played the silent game with one another and doors were slammed and eyes were rolled...we have certainly had our moments...but at the end of the day, she has been there...stuck by me..taught me and held my hand...hugged me and dryed my tears when I was waiting on the doctor to come in and tell me whether my baby had Cystic Fybrosis..and when I couldnt stand to see the nurses and doctors poke and prode him anymore..she backed me up and held my hand...when I was so tired I thought my eyes were going to fall out of my head...she said "I got him Jess..go get some rest"...When I was scared and I was down on the floor..looking up at the world through lost eyes...Both of them were there to pick me up and carry me through...

That first year was tough...like I said, It was the toughest year of my life...I know without a shadow of a doubt that I could not have done it without the love and support of Gina and my daddy...They will never know how much there support and love pulled me through... I was lucky...To have people in my life that loved me enough to lend that helping hand...I am absolutly humbled... :)


(This is only my first post on "Helping Hands"..there is more to come.. :)   )

Read more...

"Self Deception.."

"Some people are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much, but you have to crawl into your wounds to discover where your fears are, once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin..."

Self deception...Let's look at this word for a minute...

Self-deception, in short, is a way we justify false beliefs to ourselves...in other words, we try and convince ourselves of false truths..whether it be a coping method or a way to protect yourself from certain aspects of life...Truth is, we can only fool ourselves for so long...it gets tiresome trying to convince yourself over and over of something that you know deep down..in the depths of your inner soul..is not true...

We all do this..we have all told ourselves little white lies..."I didnt really want that dress..it would never have looked right on me"..."I am better off without them in my life"... "I am fine..that didnt hurt at all"..or in my case... " I don't want another baby..."

Yes...you heard that right...here is my truth..I want a baby...


When I had Khristian, I was a baby myself...my life was  chaotic... I was     scared..lonely..depressed...everything that you can imagine a young teenage mother to be...In hindsight, I associated all these feelings with having a baby and I knew that I never wanted to feel that way again...I was afraid of being abandoned..its kind of like when you go eat at a restaurant that you have really been looking forward to and then you have a horrible expierence...in return, you vow to never go back...Somewhere in my subcontious, I associated having a baby with everything bad that I felt..I associated it with all the negative emotions I was feeling...and I told myself that I would never allow myself to feel that way again...

When I met and married Travis, I knew he wasn't the leaving kind..I felt it...even so, there was a tiny seed of doubt in the the very back of my mind..that maybe..just maybe..he would...After all, I was wrong the last time I thought someone wouldnt leave me..these thought surfaced time and time again..it was almost like Travis had to prove to me he wouldnt just pack up and go...I never once told him this...I never once accused him of this...it was just there in the back of my mind..a fear..a intense fear that I didnt ever want to have to deal with again...I knew he wanted a baby...I just couldnt convince myself to let my guard down long enough to even consider the thought...I would start feeling anxious any time we started to talk about having a baby..he never pushed me..never got angry..always patient and knew exactly when to back off..he understood without me even having to tell him...I believe that he knew I would come around in my own time..he just had to wait until that time presented itself...

I feel that my life has settled down...I have settled down..I have grown so much in this last year that I can actually start talking about having a baby without that anxious feeling...and now that I have opened myself up to this idea..I realize..I want a baby...I want to know what it feels like to tell my husband we are having a baby..I want to expierence the joy of going to every doctors appointment and having my husband right by my side..him being just as excited as me..I want to be able to stand on top of a moutain and shout to the whole world that I am pregnant and not feel ashamed..feeling like I have to hide it...I want to smile when I think of being pregnant..I want to hear the heartbeat..to see the ultrasound...to prepare a babys room and have 9 months to prepare for arrival of a little ball of joy that will be the perfect combination of me and Travis...I even look forward to the late night feedings and endless nights of no sleep...because I know that as soon as that little boy or girl smiles at me...It will all be worth it...

God answers our prayers in his own timing..this has been a long time prayer of mine..for me to find that healing and peace within...It didnt happen quickly...this has been a long process for me...It has taken me almost 10 years to get to this point in my life..

I am not scared anymore...I don't have that nagging fear in the back of my mind tugging at me...dragging me down...I am healing..I am moving on..I am tired of decieving myself and telling myself false truths...I feel more at peace with who I am and who I have become...I am ready...I am more than ready...I want a baby... :)

(And Please...no "I told you so" comments...It took alot for me to write about this...)

Read more...

"Feelings..."

"It is our feelings that guide us and they can never lead us wrong"  ~Jude Morgan

Why is that we tend to hide or feelings and emotions? Think about it..someone said something hurtful to you and instead of confronting the person..we hide our feelings and smooth things over as if nothing ever happened...Why is it that we do this?? Is it that we think we are not entitled to have these feelings? Is it that we don't want to cause a ripple in the pond per say?? Or is that we have just been taught for so long that it is better to bury certain feelings so deep..so far within ourselves...that noone...but yourself..will ever know exactly how you feel...

As a mother, I have tried to teach Khristian that is ok to feel certain emotions...Happiness..anger...sadness...disappointment...hurt...joy...All the emotions that we as humans are bound to feel at one point or another in our life...I not only try to teach him that it's ok to feel these emotions but also how to better handle and express certain emotions...I don't want him to ever feel like he can't tell me if he is angry...or if he is sad about something that is going on in his life..or if I have hurt him somehow...we are all human..and we all interpret and expierence certain things and situations differently...As his mother, that is my job to teach him...

I stop here for a moment to reflect...how can I teach my son to better express his feelings when I don't express mine? It's a habit, to keep things so balled up within myself...to hide feelings...to say that everything is ok..when in fact, its not...I should be able to say..you hurt me without being afraid that I am going to hurt your feelings...On the same level, I want people to feel they can open up to me and tell me if I have made them feel a certain way..I want a open line of communication...

I am frustrated with certain situations...I am tired...I am so tired of things being a constant battle...and I am tired of pretending that I am not hurt...I can't change the way that things have turned out..Somewhere along the line, things have gotten twisted and turned and so far out of balance that I don't know how to even begin to fix things...I feel like it can and never will be fixed..and maybe thats for the best...I am realizing that I cant make everyone happy..all I can do is make myself happy...I can't pretend anymore that things from the past aren't relavent now...Its a facade that is just to tiring to keep up...

So, here is what I'm going to do..I am going to deal with my feelings the only way I know how..I will write them out..piece by piece..word for words...and I will heal..my heart will heal..my soul will heal...and I will be a better person...I will be free from these feelings that I have kept hidden for so long..I will no longer feel that I am not entitled to them...I will no longer continue to teach Khristian something that I am not willing to do myself..and that is to simply express your feelings...

Let the healing begin...

Read more...

"Hands.. "

"Dad, your guiding hand on my shoulder will remain with me forever."

Have you ever noticed the older we get..the more mature and grown up we get...that certain songs that you have heard all of your life..suddenly take on a whole new meaning?? It's like your listening to the song for the first time..because although you have heard this song a million times...you find yourself relating to it more and more..you understand the words..you feel the words...you start to sing the words..and the words speak to your heart..

Wednesday night as Travis and I were driving home from my parents house..where my belly was full of my dad's grilled hamburgers...potato salad...and the best homemade German Chocolate cake I have ever put in my mouth...the song "Daddy's Hands" came on the radio. Now I have always hated this song...Don't ask me why..Old country music has really never been a popular choice of music with me..my husband is a country boy at heart..so I have to suffer through it quite often...I was staring out the window when this song came on...I started listening to the words..I mean really listening... 

"You could read quite a story in the callouses and lines.. years of work and worry had left their mark behind".. was the lyric I heard when I started to pay attention to the song....My dad's hands...let me tell you about my daddy's hands...they are rough..calloused...cut..bruised...and they are not pretty by any means...Those hands have worked 2 and 3 jobs to provide for his family...those hands have sold countless tools..cars..and anything he could get his hands on just to buy Christmas for his 4 kids...Those hands have lovingly held grandchildren, nieces and nephews...those hands have held me up when I thought I was going to fall..those hands have pushed me when I didnt think I could go any farther...those hands have diciplined me when I was learning right from wrong...those hands have helped steady my shaking and sweaty hands down the isle as I was walking toward my future husband...Those hands have held my hands as he looked in my eyes and told me he believed in me....and its those same hands that I think of as I listened to that song...

"I remember Daddy's hands working til they bled...Sacrificed unselfishly just to keep us all fed.. If I could do things over I'd live my life again and never take for granted the love in Daddy's hands.." When I was younger..I resented the fact that my dad worked so much...I realize now that he wasnt working so much because he wanted to..he was working to give his family what he thought they deserved..a better life that what he had growing up...He has worked in the rain..freezing temperatures..scorching heat...doing odd and end jobs...just to buy that birthday present that us kids wanted..or so we could take a last minute trip to the beach...Those hands represent a man...a man that has taught his children to love..to work hard...to never give up...and to always strive for something more...I only hope that as my own son grows older..he looks at his daddy's hands the way I look at my daddy's hands...

Yes...those hands are rough and calloused...and sometimes ache...but the next time I look at my dad's hands...I won't see that...I will see the most loving pair of hands that hold a lifetime of memories...

I love you daddy.. :)

Read more...