"Can you let me in on your plan God?"

This morning, as I sit down at my blog to write I am weighed down....I didn't come here today to tell you a wonderful story...or have some great words of wisdom that will make you ponder the meaning of life..or something like that...I simply came here to my blog today to write out my feelings...my distress...my fears....to pour them out as I have done so many times before in the hopes that it will ease the growing anxiety I have in my chest...and somehow calm me...

I have already written about my first trip to the Emergency Room because of my severe bleeding....I was 8 weeks and 2 days...where the doctor outright told us that we most likely had a miscarriage...thankfully she was wrong and everything turned out fine...It was a little less than a month later when I another similiar severe bleed...I was right at 12 weeks...which resulted in another trip to the emergency room....again, everything turned out fine...we were told both times that we went to the ER that I had what was called a "Subchorionic Hemorrage"..defined as: A pool of blood clot that resides between the membrane of the placenta (chorion) and the wall of the uterus... for more information you can go to this website:  http://hematomatreatment.com/subchorionic-hematoma/ ... We were told that these more commonly resolve themselves during the first trimester...well, I was at the end of my first trimester so we were thinking we could breathe a sigh of relief...In the meantime, when we went to my doctor she told us that she thought the bleeding was caused from the implantation process which is the stage at which the embryo adheres to the wall of the uterus...the doctor explained that it can be a pretty bloody process...so here we are, with 2 different explanations as to why I am having such extreme bleeds...

To say that my stress level was through the roof is a bit of a understatement...but I kept myself positive with the thought that both doctors said the bleeding should reslove itself by week 16...I just had to wait it out..while I thought that over the next couple weeks the bleeding would lighten up until it completly stops...that unfortunatly is not the case...Monday the 20th, I will be 18 weeks...and the bleeding has not stopped..in fact, it has gotten worse...I am going to get a little graphic on details but it is the only way to describe what I am dealing with...I have went from gushing...and yes, I literally mean gushing...blood once a week..to at least once a day...many times, more than that...it doesnt matter where I am... what I am doing...walking or sitting...it just happens...often times, drenching my underpants and back of my clothes with blood because there is in fact so much of it...I am not, by any means, trying to be dramatic...I was sitting at my dad's house last week carrying on a casual conversation with him after work when all the sudden I had to run to the bathroom...by the time I had gotten there (10 steps away)..it drenched my clothes...my tights...my legs...and the toilet looked like a murder scene...I was at home laying in the bed reading..when I felt it again...the gushing again drenched my clothes..my sheets...and went through onto our mattress...this often happens all through out the night as well..I wake up in the middle of the night because I am bleeding...I have had to start sleeping with a towel underneath my sheets to protect my mattress...I was doing a little bit of shopping at Target while talking to my brother on the phone...and I had to put my things down and get off the phone with him and run to the nearest bathroom because ,again, I was gushing blood...I was sitting here at work just this week...when again, I felt it...I had to leave work early because it went through onto my dress...this was after I got through scrubbing blood out of my work chair...this is just a few of the instances...There is not one single day in the last 3 months that I have not worn a pad..which doesnt really do much good exept to catch and absorb a little bit of the blood...this is a day in and day out routine...

Evertime we go to the doctor..the baby is fine...heartrate is fine...actually, the baby is 2 days ahead of schedule on developing...last week at a unexpected Dr. appointment she said that at this point she does not know why I am bleeding so much...she says that the baby may have implanted on a blood vessel which is causing the gushes...or that it may be "A weird unexplained pregnancy thing"...I just want a answer...a name...something to tell me what is going on with my body...I have thought about getting a second opinion..but my step-mother who has had her fair share of miscarriages and pregnancy troubles that could last anyone a lifetime...told me that even if I get a second opinion, I may not get a answer...that even with her 13 miscarriages the doctors couldnt really tell her a definate reason as to why she couldnt carry a baby...

This is a nightmare...I am in constant fear all the time...I wait impatiently for my Dr's appointments because I want to hear the heartbeat...to see it move around...to know that everything is alright...the weeks inbetween those appointments are torture..because I am so afraid that my babys heartbeat will just stop one day without me knowing...not only is this taking a toll on me emotionally...it is taking its toll on me physically...I don't sleep at night because I am so up and down...in the morning when I wake up I am drained of all my energy because of the blood loss...I have become a person I don't hardly recognize....I am irritable all the time...I often times, take it out on Travis and Khristian...and I feel absolutly horrible afterwards...Travis does what he can to help me...I don't even feel like me..feeling positive..feeling confident...feeling postive...these are things that used to be me...and its getting harder by the second to continue these things...I feel like I am prisoner to my own body and I have no clue as to whats going on...The baby is getting what it needs from me...but what happens when my health has declined and then the babys health starts to decline...I had so many hopes for what this pregnancy was going to bring...this, however, was not in the plans...just another instance where God throws us a wrench in our life that we have to overcome...I tell myself day after day that he has a plan...he is in control...and he is guiding this pregnancy....I just, for the life of me, would love to understand the purpose of this...

This is not a pity plea..this is not a plea to feel sorry for me in the least little bit...the only thing I will ask of you...my family, my friends and my readers...is for your prayers...I have seen them work before..and I pray that they work and heal whatever is going on within my body...and keep my baby safe...My family cannot carry this on our own...This may go away in the next couple weeks..it may be gone tomorrow...I dont know...but I know that he does...I just wish I could ask God to let me in on his plans so that it may set my heart and mind at ease....

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"Moments..."

This weekend like many other women who love a good love story...I jumped on the bandwagon and went to see the movie "The Vow"... It was a ok enough movie...certainly not at the calibre of "The Notebook", "Dirty Dancing" or "Pretty Women"...but it had it's moments...it made me cry at times (which is not hard to do at this particular part of my pregnancy)...it made me angry at certain times.... and then ultimatly, at the end, it made me happy because I am a sucker for happy endings...but the one thing that I took away from this movie is the theme of "Moments"...there are sudden moments in our life that stick out more so than other...some change our life forever....some are just moments in time that will forever stick out in our memory...no reason...they just do...Our life is filled with tiny little moments...and we store them in our memory so that we can think back on them from time to time...

When Khristian was a baby..he was very sick...in and out of the hospital with severe Asthma and acid reflux...his immune system was very weak due to the asthma...so we had to watch him closely...he could start coughing one hour and then the next hour we were heading to the hospital to be admitted...The Troy hospital and Childrens hospital in Birmingham knew us by name...Sometimes we would have long waits in the waiting room or in the actual room waiting to see the Dr....as most babies do, Khristian would start to get fussy... I found that the only way to get him to calm down most time is to sing "You are my Sunshine" to him... often times, I would sing it so much that the nurses outside the room could hear me and the tune would get stuck in their head... I have no idea why that song seemed to soothe him...that is a memory that will forever stick out my mind...

The other night while cooking supper..my stomach was in knots...it was making all kinds of weird sounds..doing flip flops...I was a little nausous which I haven't been in over a month...subconciously, I started humming a little tune...."You are my sunshine"...I don't know why I started doing it...instinct, maybe....but within 10 minutes my stomach had settled down...not a single sound was coming from my stomach...it finally dawned on me what had just happened...I had just had my first moment with this new little blessing...It also connected my 2 children togther...

The further along in my pregnancy that I get...I am fillled with a anticipation that I have never felt before...I have so many thoughts...when Khristian was born, I was 17..there was so much that I was unable to do with him when he was a baby...partly because I was a single teenage mother trying to make it off the little salary I made as a waitress...and partly because there was so  much I didnt know I was supposed to do...I was so overwhelmed with motherhood that I had little thoughts as to what I should do...I was learning...I am still leaning...everyday is a new lesson...and I know that this new baby will be a whole new lesson on its own...a whole new adventure....I want to put a record player in the babies room and sit there for hours listening to my grandmothers old records like I did when I was younger...I want get out in the yard and teach her/him to make things grow...I want to take more time to appreciate the younger years...I feel that the younger years just flew by so quickly with Khristian that I didn't get to enjoy things the way I should have...I never got to spend 9 months planning a baby nursery...picking out every single detail of the room to make it just perfect....I can't sit here and lie and tell you pregnancy has been so far been a great expierence..it hasnt...it feels like there is medical issue after medical issue...and I have had more ultrasounds in this last 4 months than I can count...but I would not take a single thing back...every day that this little ray of sunshine grows in my stomach I love it more and more...I can press on my lower stomach and tell where its laying...I grab Travis hand and place in on that spot and as he pushes in and feels the baby...I see that light in his eyes...and every pain...every trip to the ER...every time I throw up...is worth it in that moment....

Moments...they change our life forever...they mold us...they make us who we are...good or bad...big or small...they make us..shape us...and conform us to a better person... (=

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"I trust you..."

There are moments that I think God presents himself to you in such a unexpected way...he has a way of showing you what your heart truly desires...and in the same moment testing you to see how much faith you truly put in him..how much you trust in him...to say "Ok God...whatever your reasoning is...I trust you...as hard as it may be..I trust you.."

Right after Travis and I found out we were pregnant...we were both of course over the moon excited..couldnt wipe the smile off our face excited...really wanting to tell everyone excited..just plain excited...it was all we could talk about for the next couple days...I think it was the hardest keeping it a secret from Khristian..we both know he has such a hard time keeping that little motor mouth of his shut...Bless his heart, he really can't keep a secret..though he tries...most of time it just slips out before he realizes it...so for the time being we kept it a secret from most everyone..except our parents and a few close friends...Christmas was almost upon us and the usual stress of that time of year was closing in...finances were tight due to impending bills, presents left to buy and so on..the ususal Christmas time stress...adding on to the fact, that I was impossibly sick with morning sickness...(although seriously, It should be called ALL DAY sickness..because thats exactly what it was)...I started having some doubts...I am one to over analyze things...so when one negative though enters my mind...of course, others are to follow...

I couldnt help but to think of the financal aspect of having a baby in the house...diapers and formula..childcare...What if we had rushed into this a bit to quick...maybe we should have waited one more year...thought after thought rushed in...I tried pushing them out as fast as they could rush in...I took a deep breathe and said "Just Breathe...Just Breathe Jessica...it's going to be alright"...  Whats odd to me here that as I type this I think back to the night I took that pregnancy test...I thanked God for allowing us to have this little blessing...but as I sat there a couple weeks later worrying about trivial things...I forgot to pray to God to help ease me fears...to help ease the burden off my chest...I forgot to trust in him...Isn't it so easy how we do that...

On a Wednesday afternoon a couple weeks prior to Christmas and about a week and a half before our first Dr. appointment to "offically" confirm that in fact I was pregnant...things changes...it was a slow afternoon in the office so 2 co-workers and I decided to walk down to the book store here on campus to grab a dose of caffeine (yes I know, no caffeine...but seriously I had not drank coffee in almost 2 months because smell of it made my stomach do flip flops) to make it through the rest of the evening...I grabbed a tall mocha frap and we headed on our way back...half way back to our building here on campus I felt a small gush...You may laugh, but my first thought was "Great..along with everything else a pregnant woman has to deal with..now I have to worry about my bladder leaking all over the place".. I kept quiet but a few seconds later I felt a slightly larger gush...with something running down my legs...I picked up my pace to get back to the building...when I got to the bathroom...my heart stopped when I found a large amount of blood...in that moment, let me tell you...nothing prepares you for that sight...you know its always a possibility that something may happen in the first trimester..but nothing..and I mean nothing prepares you for that sight...I tried cleaning up but more just came...

My breathing was becoming ragid..I started to panic...I half walked..half ran back to the office..tried picking up my cell phone but my hands had begun to shake so bad I dropped my phone twice...I could no longer hold the tears in..they started flowing...I called my student workers over to my desk to ask them to dial Travis' number on my cell...then asked them to get my other co-worker in our office...Travis answered the phone..and the words almost seemed stuck...I didn't want to say them...I told him that I needed to get to the Emergency room..he immediatly kicked into action...I don't know how I managed the drive to meet him...I out my sunglasses on to avoid the crazy stars of passer byers..because by this time I was a blubbering mess...that drive to Montgomery was the longest of my life..we had the emergency blinkers on...but still..it took forever to pull into that parking lot...in that drive..so many thoughts run through your mind..every possible bad scenerio...so many "What if's"... Travis and I didn't talk much on the way...besides the occational "Are you okay"  he would ask me...I think we were both drowning in our own thoughts...to scared to speak them out loud...

By the time we reached the hospital..blood had soaked through my dress and Travis' jacket that I was sitting on to avoid it getting on the seats of my car..We got checked in pretty quick...taken back to a room...where they took our information...by this time my step-mom and dad were on there way...after telling what happened a million times to multiple nurses...the Dr. finally came in to see us...she took some notes...asked me what happened again...and gave me a slight node of her head..and pulled no punches...because of the amount of blood and the symtoms I was having she told Travis and I that she believed I had misscarried...but to be sure they would do a ultrasound and run multiple blood tests..I felt Travis squeeze my hand...the Dr. patted my leg in some kind of assurance...maybe it was sympathy..I don't know...Its funny, when you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound...when a window shatters... a table leg breaks or when a picture falls off the wall it makes a noise... but as for your heart... when that breaks it is completely silent...You would think as important as the heart is...it would make the loudest noise in the whole world or even have some distinct noise..but no...nothing...It was then that I found my praying voice...in that time of desperation..there was no doubts...there was no fear of what if Travis and I should have waited...there was no worry that we wouldnt be able to make it financially....there was only the desperate plea that I made to God..."Please God...Please allow this baby to be ok...despite all my doubts and my fears...I give this to you...I trust you...with my heart...with my family...with this baby...I trust you" ...

After several agonizing hours later...painful blood being drawn...Ultrasounds being done...the Dr. came in to reveal that we had not misscarried...we had a 8 week and 2 day old baby with a heartbeat...Travis and I both let out the biggest sigh of relief...and I smiled so hard I think it could have split my face in two...I couldnt say a full prayer...but all I could say over and over...was "Thank you God..Thank you"...

Since then we have made one other trip to the Emergency Room with the same thing... come to find out I have what's called a subcorneal hemorrhage...99 % of women will not have to deal with this during pregnancy..unfortunatly, I am in the 1% that does...I will continue to bleed until the problem fixes itself...and there is a small possibility that I will do this the entire pregnancy...It is nerve racking...I worry about every little ache or pain that I have...My worst nightmare is that I will go in for a Dr's appointment and she will not be able to find a heartbeat...I try not to let these negative thoughts in...but they somehow sneak in...

I feel as though my faith has been tested in these last few months...It is so hard to trust that God is doing what is best for you...you want so badly to take things in your own hands...to carry all of the burden...but I am learning more than ever to trust in him...to hand him over my family...my baby... and to say "Ok God...whatever your reasoning is...I trust you...as hard as it may be..I trust you.."

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"Waiting..."

"A waiting person is a patient person...The word patience means the willingness to stay where we are and live the situation out to the full.. in the belief that something hidden there will manifest itself to us...”

I have been sitting on this post for about a week or so...and I have finally decieded to publish it for all to read...I am opening up myself for a bit of criticism and thats ok...I don't expect everyone to agree with me or my reasoning..believe me, I have heard from both sides of the fence...so you won't say anything that I haven't already heard...

I have been asked on multiple occations here lately why Travis and I waited so long to have a baby...I could give the simple cut and dry answer that so many give..."I just wasn't ready"...and while that is true to a certain degree...it is not my sole answer...To be quite honest with you, there are several answers that I can give you..Ultimatly, I don't owe anyone a explaination really...but I really wanted to answer this..So bear with me as I tell this and you will get your answer...


If you have been following me on this blog and read a great deal of my posts or know me personally then you most likely know my backstory...it is no secret that I was a teenage mother at the young age of 17...Things were not ideal and there is alot of painful memories from that time in my life...when I meet Travis, Khristian was 2 almost 3 and I was still a complete unstable mess on the inside...geez, as I think back to it I was still so young mentally but yet I was a couple years ahead of others my age...I was in a in-between stage of still being a child and trying my best to be a adult...Over the course of about year and half our relationship grew stronger and we were both on stable ground enough to begin to talk about marriage. Travis was far more advanced in his feelings than I was..he has always said that he knew from very early in our relationship that I was the one for him...I was the one that held back a good bit..but I finally couldnt hold out any longer and admitted that he was the guy for me..and so we were married on April 9th, 2005..Khristian was 4 at the time...and only then did we move in together..not saying that anything is wrong with living together before marriage..it just wasn't for us. It was a huge adjustment for both Khristian and I...but here we were...we were finally a family..Travis, Khristian and I...

Before we were married, Khristian had already begun to ask a few questions...such as why Mama, maw-maw or Paw-Paw always picked him up from daycare..other kid's had daddy's that picked them up and he just didn't understand where his daddy was..Seriously, you tell me how you explain that one to a 4year old?? I have to stop here and give some major praise to my Dad and Step-mom because along with me, they did everything in there power to make sure Khristian missed out on nothing...they stepped right in and became such a major role in not only Khristian's life..but also in mine..Honestly, I have no idea what I would have done without them to back me up so much...While they were a huge part of Khristians life...I felt bad as a mother because I wanted Khristian to know what it was like to have a mommy and daddy present in his life...

So, to finally answer the question...why did Travis and I wait so long to have a baby? It's a 2 part answer...Firstly, I had such a tramatic expierence when I had Khristian that I was completly against ever having another child...I had deep rooted wounds that over time healed enough so that I could see past what had happened in my first pregnancy and I could actually start looking toward a future one...and secondly, I felt that I owed Khristian that time...It was partly my mistakes and my choices as a teenager that had caused him to miss out on the storybook family that he so much deserved...so when Travis and I got married...I felt he needed that time...by himself...I felt that deserved to have us all to himself for a while...I felt that he and Travis needed that time to bond...to play baseball and football...to have father/son talks...and because of this their relationship has grown from a tiny little seed to a powerful unbreakable bond...If it was up to Travis we would have had a child in our second year of marriage..but I held stronge in saying no..yes, because I wasn't ready..but that's not all..I was selfish...I was selfish for Khristian...and for myself...I needed that time as much as Khristian...I reveled in the fact that I now had a little family to call my own...I wanted to know what it was like to take family trips to the park..or to have that family photo taken at a special moment...

I have had heard all the typical responses to why I waited...and yes I say "I" because in fact it was me..."You are cheating Travis by not having another baby"..and.."He deserves to have a child of his own"... but here is the thing that do not and will never understand...he gained just as much from these past 6 years of it just being us...he has a bond with Khristian now that he knows he would not have had if we had in fact rushed into having a baby so early in our marriage..and one of the most admirable things about Travis is he never pushed...not even once...he understood completly my reasoning for waiting...and while I waited for me to finally be ready...he waited for me...

Khristian has 6 amazing years that he gets to call his own...the spoiled only child...and I wouldnt have it any other way... =)

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"Criticism is a hard pill to swallow..."

“You may not want to hear it...but your critics are often the ones telling you they still love you and care about you....and want to make you better..."

Everyone has had to deal with it at one point or another, most on a daily basis....whether it's how you perform your job at work... how you raise your children...how clean you keep your house...how you speak...how you treat people...how health concious you are. Regardless of what the situation is...we all have to deal with criticism...As humans, we tend to get our feelings hurt when this happens..because let's face it....nobody likes to be told they are doing something wrong or there is room for improvement. Some handle this better than others...while others just don't deal with it at all...At the end of the day, most of us teach ourselves to"Put our big girl panties on and deal with it"...we apply the newfound information to our life..and choose to improve ourself.... but I have recently come across something that I am having difficulty with....How do you teach a 10 year old how to deal with criticism??

Khristian by nature is a sensative child...he get's his feelings hurt easily...but also by the same standard, he is very stubborn...like most children he thinks his way is best and he knows way more than Travis and I could ever teach him. There are times when Travis and I just have to lay things out boldly for him to understand the point that we are tying to get across to him... This often times leads to hurt feeling and him sulking off into his bedroom thinking that it us against him....It is hard to get across to him that we are not telling him these things to hurt him...we tell him these things to help him improve himself...Travis is by far harder of him that I am...especially in sports and things of that nature...I am harder on him when it comes to what he is capable of in school and what is asked of him in the house such as chores...

A episode one morning last week resulted in a very long conversation between Travis, Khristian, and I...Khristian knows that when he wakes up in the morning he is to get dressed for school, clean his room, make his bed, straighten up his bathroom, and brush his hair before he can turn on the TV or play his X-box 360...also, if Travis has placed some clothes of his in his room to fold (Yes, we make him fold and put up his own clothes because we feel that it teaches him responsibility) he has to make sure those are folded/hung before the TV comes on...All of this can be done within 25 minutes and he still has 30-40 minutes of free time before we leave the house...on this particular morning he ran through all of his chores barely..the clothes basket that was full of his "clean" clothes was laying on his floor now mixed with clean and dirty clothes in it and stuffed in his closet...his bed was half made..his bathroom still had dirty clothes laying in the floor..and there he was... sitting on the couch eating his sausage biscuit..watching TV...

There had been several other instances that also lead to the talk we had with him but this was the one that broke the camel's back...The talk started out like most we have had consisting of "You have to do your chores" and "You can't half do things"..."You have to start being more responsible" and blah blah blah...you all know the talk...we got them from our parents and in return we have them with our kids...well, this particular talk started to take a different turn very quickly... Khristian made the statement "I can't be who you want me to be" ... Now for those that do not know Khristian very well..he tends to be a little on the dramatic side... so my first thought was "Did my 10 year old really just say that?" .. I had to take a step back for a second and think about that one....When I finally found my voice I simply said "Khristian, that is a cop-out..." ... I explained to him that its simply not about who I want him to be...its what he is choosing to be...It is mine and his daddy's job to push him, correct him, and make sure that he lives up to what we know he is capable of...and when we correct him and give him criticism...its not because its us against him...it's us, his parents..working with him to help him...and instead of him getting his feelings hurt when we give him positive criticism he needs to take a step back...think about what we are telling him....and apply it...

Oddly enough, through out this whole entire conversation with him...the one thing that finally got through to him was this... I told him that his daddy would never lie to him...I was using this as more of a example than anything but its what finally turned the light bulb on for him...Travis is very hard on Khrisitan in sports...He does not sugar coat it for him in the least little bit..he basically tells it like it is...if Khristian does something good, Travis tells him...if he does something bad, Travis tells him...if Khristian is out there on the football field and he misses a block which results in the other team getting a first down or even a touchdown...Travis rips into him....if he recovers a fumble...Travis will be the first on the field to pick him up for a hug and tell him great job....and here is why...If he is constantly telling Khristian how good he is and never corrects him and what he is doing wrong or what he can improve on...then he is cripling Khristian in the long run...he is not helping him become the athlete or the man that Travis knows he can become...so when I put it in those terms to Khristian...and told him "Your daddy will never lie to you..he will never tell you what you want to hear...instead, he is going to tell you what you need to hear because he knows that you can be the best" ... It clicked with him...and he finally understood what it meant to take criticism...and why we do it... In Khristians words he said "So thats why Coach Saban yells at his players alot...because he knows they are capable of doing better!" ..my son is definatly sports minded..

On a closing note, I think we as adults (myself included) need to remind ourselves of this same lesson...criticism is a hard pill to swallow sometimes...but in the long run, it only allows us as humans to become better employees..mothers...wives...family members...friends...and overall better as a whole... =)

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"Positive signs..."

“Life is full of beauty... Notice it... Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces... Smell the rain, and feel the wind... Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams....take note of all the postive signs..."



At a very early age we were taught the "+" sign...in elementary school it was used to teach us 2+2=4...when we started to enter adolescence and noticed boy's had more than just cooties we used the little plus sign to show our affection.."Jessica + Travis = Forever"....(Come on...all you girls out there know you did it)...over time that simple little plus sign loses significance...although, I remember vividly a time when that sign alone instilled such an intense fear in me that I thought I would never be ok again ...it changed my life... 10 years later that sign again will change my life...but this time there is not one single bit of fear in my body...

The weekend of November 11th..Veterans Day weekend...Travis and I and a couple of our friends had made plans to take our children to the National Peanut Festival so they could have fun...and it would give us adults time to catch up and some fun to...Half way to Dothan Khristian started complaining about his stomach hurting...I thought maybe it was the greasy chicken nuggets he ate from McDonalds before we left Troy..I asked if he wanted to go home and he replied with "No...I am sure it will go away once we get there!"... So we continued on...Finally we got there, parked, walked to the main entrance where stood in line to buy tickets to get in...$21.00 later we entered the main gate...where we proceeded to buy a $20.00 wrist band for Khristian to ride all the rides as many times as he wants...thats where things start to go southward....right after we purchase the wrist band and meet up with our friends, Khristian begins to puke all over the place...All I could think was "Geez, couldnt he have thrown up before we shelled out 40 bucks to get in this thing!"...I take him the bathroom..get him cleaned up...and ask how he feels...He told me his stomach didn't hurt anymore and that maybe the chicken nuggets just didn't settle right on his stomach...In the end, he got to ride 2 rides and do the mirror house...before he puked again..at which point I pulled the plug and we started the hour and half ride back to Troy...with Khristian in the backseat holding a plastic bin to catch his projectile vomit in....and $60.00 poorer...

Saturday Morning, I woke up holding my stomach feeling and couldnt even brush my teeth without gagging...I thought "Great, I now have Khristian's stomach bug" ... I spent most of the day in bed making Travis take care of me...by the end of the night, I started to feel somewhat normal again...only to wake up Sunday morning gagging when I brush my teeth...gagging when I drink water to take my vitamins..gagging when I try to eat my oatmeal for breakfast...and it never stopped...this went on all day long...

I had a box of pregnancy tests in my bathroom cabinet....I grabbed one...went into the bathroom and waited anxiously for 2 minutes...just like the box said to...I admit I wanted to peek but I held stronge...180 seconds later I picked it up...and looked at it...there it was.... "+" ...my heart jumped, my eyes started watering, and I literally wanted to scream with joy... I usually have no problem describing exactly what I feel but...there are no words that can come close to describing what my heart felt at that exact moment...

I walked into my bedroom..hide the pregnancy text under a book on my bed..and called Travis into the room...we both sat on the bed...where I moved the book...It took him a minute for it sink in what he was looking at...and his head popped up with a look in his eyes I have never seen...He said "Really?!" ... I replied with "Yes, Really!"... The next words out of his mouth were "I hope it's a girl!" ... we talked excitedly for a few more minutes until we both fell silent...one heart beat of a moment later our eyes locked and he said "Were going to have a baby..." ... all I could do is shake my head yes....I couldn't speak because of the lump that had formed in my throat...The look in his eyes said a million words to me...in that moment, I understood....I understood what everyone had been trying to tell me for 10 years....that this time was different...I understood what it felt like to have my husband by my side to share this with...not to feel so alone...I understood how it felt not to have that icy stab of fear that had almost broke me so many years ago...I understood what it felt like to share this moment with my best friend..know that he will hold my hand.. and we will do this together...

10 years ago...I sat in a cold, lonely bathroom when that positive sign popped up....I felt so ashamed...I felt that I needed to hide myself from the world..10 years later, I sat in the bathroom of my own home with my husband sitting in the other room when that postive sign popped up...and this time everything is different...I have the support of my husband...my family...my friends...(I write this with a smile) and I want to stand on the highest mountain top and scream at the top of my lungs...."I'M PREGNANT!!!"

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"Merry Christmas Ya'll.."

“Christmas is a necessity....There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we're here for something else besides ourselves...."




I realize..as I start this blog off that I have not been writing as much as I normally do...I apologize greatly but I promise there is a good reason...a very good reason...I have been writing, just not on my blog...Time is of the essence and its just not time for some of what I have written to be put on here....yet.... =)

Today is the first day of December...as many of you guys are doing, I am getting ready for the greatest season of all...Christmas...As I was putting together my Christmas tree a couple days ago...getting all the ornaments out and putting them on my tree is my favorite thing to do. I have 2 seperate boxes...the first box is filled with all the balls, glass ornaments, candy canes, and so on...that is the first set of oranments to go up...the second box is the most special...it is all of Khristian's homemade ornaments he has made over the last 10 years. I love taking them out..one by one...and placing them on the tree myself...of all the fancy oranments on my tree..these are my absolute favorite...it brings back so many Christmas memories that I can't help but to smile at each one..from the ones from when he was a baby and he just scribbled all over the paper..to the ones where he had learned to write his name on the back of each one and colored inside the lines...to the intricate paper snowflake he made last year...each one is a treasure...

I laugh as I think back on Travis and I's first Christmas together as a married couple...I had never lived away from my parents before..so not only was this my first christmas as a married adult but it was my first christmas away from home. At my parents house, we always had a huge Christmas tree and it was always carefully decorated with beautiful ornaments with I don't know how many strands of lights on it...the whole house was decorated and smelled so good. It just felt magical....

As a newly married couple, Travis and I were broke..still adjusting to married life...no Christmas tree..no oraments...not one single decoration....Luckily, Travis' mom caught a christmas tree on sale and bought it for us...I was so excited...so I immediatly went home and put it together...I even went by walmart and picked up some colored balls to go on it with several stands of lights...When I put that thing together I almost sat down in the middle of the floor and cryed....it was the smallest Christmas tree I had ever had...I tryed everything to make it bigger..taller...something other than just the little dinky tree it looked like...I put boxes up underneath it...I made Travis help me as I wrapped christmas lights around every single branch of that tree...nothing worked...so we just finished decorating it with the little oranments we had and made do...Travis tryed everything up under the sun to cheer me up...but I just couldnt get into the Christmas spirit...We ended up going and getting a couple small yard decorations to jazz things up a bit...It helped me cheer up some...Khristian was about 4 at the time and all I could remember thinking is I wanted him to have great memories of Christmas...I wanted him to be able to say that Christmas time was magical at his house...

Christmas day came and I have to tell on myself and say that I acted like a spoiled brat...You know those things that while shopping you say "Oh I like that"..it's more of a generic comment than a geniune comment and you would never actually buy it for yourself or want someone to get it for you...well, Travis had not learned that valuable lesson yet...so while shopping he took a mental note of everything I said I "liked" and bought it for me...On Christmas morning I recieved a reversable cake plate...a small rock garden fountain...and a candle...and a shelf I wanted...I was so dissapointed...Bless his heart, he was so proud of himself because he had thought he had done so good...but again, I was being a brat..and I pouted all day (Because thats what I do..and still do)...but regardless of how bratty I was acting I was genuinly excited to see Khristian fall in love with all his gifts from santa...Santa had managed to get him almost everything on his list...his face just lite up...

Later that night, as we had made all our rounds and we were finally getting ready to head home from my parents...Khristian hugged my neck and said "This Christmas has just been like magic mommy...I was scared Santa wouldnt be able to find me this year because we moved houses but he did...he brought me everything I wanted and our whole family is together celebrating Jesus' Birthday!"

Talk about being brought back down to earth by a 4 year old...I had to take a step back and re-evauate my attitude...

We as a family are what makes Christmas a magical time...not the tree, the presents, the decorations, or even the food....its whats in our hearts...it is our ability to believe in the magic of Christmas..we bring about new traditions as well as keep up with the old ones...and lastly but certainly most important...it is the time of year that we celebrate openly the birth of our Lord and Savior...because without him..none of this would be possible...Let us all remember that...

Merry Christmas ya'll... =)

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