"Waiting..."

"A waiting person is a patient person...The word patience means the willingness to stay where we are and live the situation out to the full.. in the belief that something hidden there will manifest itself to us...”

I have been sitting on this post for about a week or so...and I have finally decieded to publish it for all to read...I am opening up myself for a bit of criticism and thats ok...I don't expect everyone to agree with me or my reasoning..believe me, I have heard from both sides of the fence...so you won't say anything that I haven't already heard...

I have been asked on multiple occations here lately why Travis and I waited so long to have a baby...I could give the simple cut and dry answer that so many give..."I just wasn't ready"...and while that is true to a certain degree...it is not my sole answer...To be quite honest with you, there are several answers that I can give you..Ultimatly, I don't owe anyone a explaination really...but I really wanted to answer this..So bear with me as I tell this and you will get your answer...


If you have been following me on this blog and read a great deal of my posts or know me personally then you most likely know my backstory...it is no secret that I was a teenage mother at the young age of 17...Things were not ideal and there is alot of painful memories from that time in my life...when I meet Travis, Khristian was 2 almost 3 and I was still a complete unstable mess on the inside...geez, as I think back to it I was still so young mentally but yet I was a couple years ahead of others my age...I was in a in-between stage of still being a child and trying my best to be a adult...Over the course of about year and half our relationship grew stronger and we were both on stable ground enough to begin to talk about marriage. Travis was far more advanced in his feelings than I was..he has always said that he knew from very early in our relationship that I was the one for him...I was the one that held back a good bit..but I finally couldnt hold out any longer and admitted that he was the guy for me..and so we were married on April 9th, 2005..Khristian was 4 at the time...and only then did we move in together..not saying that anything is wrong with living together before marriage..it just wasn't for us. It was a huge adjustment for both Khristian and I...but here we were...we were finally a family..Travis, Khristian and I...

Before we were married, Khristian had already begun to ask a few questions...such as why Mama, maw-maw or Paw-Paw always picked him up from daycare..other kid's had daddy's that picked them up and he just didn't understand where his daddy was..Seriously, you tell me how you explain that one to a 4year old?? I have to stop here and give some major praise to my Dad and Step-mom because along with me, they did everything in there power to make sure Khristian missed out on nothing...they stepped right in and became such a major role in not only Khristian's life..but also in mine..Honestly, I have no idea what I would have done without them to back me up so much...While they were a huge part of Khristians life...I felt bad as a mother because I wanted Khristian to know what it was like to have a mommy and daddy present in his life...

So, to finally answer the question...why did Travis and I wait so long to have a baby? It's a 2 part answer...Firstly, I had such a tramatic expierence when I had Khristian that I was completly against ever having another child...I had deep rooted wounds that over time healed enough so that I could see past what had happened in my first pregnancy and I could actually start looking toward a future one...and secondly, I felt that I owed Khristian that time...It was partly my mistakes and my choices as a teenager that had caused him to miss out on the storybook family that he so much deserved...so when Travis and I got married...I felt he needed that time...by himself...I felt that deserved to have us all to himself for a while...I felt that he and Travis needed that time to bond...to play baseball and football...to have father/son talks...and because of this their relationship has grown from a tiny little seed to a powerful unbreakable bond...If it was up to Travis we would have had a child in our second year of marriage..but I held stronge in saying no..yes, because I wasn't ready..but that's not all..I was selfish...I was selfish for Khristian...and for myself...I needed that time as much as Khristian...I reveled in the fact that I now had a little family to call my own...I wanted to know what it was like to take family trips to the park..or to have that family photo taken at a special moment...

I have had heard all the typical responses to why I waited...and yes I say "I" because in fact it was me..."You are cheating Travis by not having another baby"..and.."He deserves to have a child of his own"... but here is the thing that do not and will never understand...he gained just as much from these past 6 years of it just being us...he has a bond with Khristian now that he knows he would not have had if we had in fact rushed into having a baby so early in our marriage..and one of the most admirable things about Travis is he never pushed...not even once...he understood completly my reasoning for waiting...and while I waited for me to finally be ready...he waited for me...

Khristian has 6 amazing years that he gets to call his own...the spoiled only child...and I wouldnt have it any other way... =)