"I trust you..."

There are moments that I think God presents himself to you in such a unexpected way...he has a way of showing you what your heart truly desires...and in the same moment testing you to see how much faith you truly put in him..how much you trust in him...to say "Ok God...whatever your reasoning is...I trust you...as hard as it may be..I trust you.."

Right after Travis and I found out we were pregnant...we were both of course over the moon excited..couldnt wipe the smile off our face excited...really wanting to tell everyone excited..just plain excited...it was all we could talk about for the next couple days...I think it was the hardest keeping it a secret from Khristian..we both know he has such a hard time keeping that little motor mouth of his shut...Bless his heart, he really can't keep a secret..though he tries...most of time it just slips out before he realizes it...so for the time being we kept it a secret from most everyone..except our parents and a few close friends...Christmas was almost upon us and the usual stress of that time of year was closing in...finances were tight due to impending bills, presents left to buy and so on..the ususal Christmas time stress...adding on to the fact, that I was impossibly sick with morning sickness...(although seriously, It should be called ALL DAY sickness..because thats exactly what it was)...I started having some doubts...I am one to over analyze things...so when one negative though enters my mind...of course, others are to follow...

I couldnt help but to think of the financal aspect of having a baby in the house...diapers and formula..childcare...What if we had rushed into this a bit to quick...maybe we should have waited one more year...thought after thought rushed in...I tried pushing them out as fast as they could rush in...I took a deep breathe and said "Just Breathe...Just Breathe Jessica...it's going to be alright"...  Whats odd to me here that as I type this I think back to the night I took that pregnancy test...I thanked God for allowing us to have this little blessing...but as I sat there a couple weeks later worrying about trivial things...I forgot to pray to God to help ease me fears...to help ease the burden off my chest...I forgot to trust in him...Isn't it so easy how we do that...

On a Wednesday afternoon a couple weeks prior to Christmas and about a week and a half before our first Dr. appointment to "offically" confirm that in fact I was pregnant...things changes...it was a slow afternoon in the office so 2 co-workers and I decided to walk down to the book store here on campus to grab a dose of caffeine (yes I know, no caffeine...but seriously I had not drank coffee in almost 2 months because smell of it made my stomach do flip flops) to make it through the rest of the evening...I grabbed a tall mocha frap and we headed on our way back...half way back to our building here on campus I felt a small gush...You may laugh, but my first thought was "Great..along with everything else a pregnant woman has to deal with..now I have to worry about my bladder leaking all over the place".. I kept quiet but a few seconds later I felt a slightly larger gush...with something running down my legs...I picked up my pace to get back to the building...when I got to the bathroom...my heart stopped when I found a large amount of blood...in that moment, let me tell you...nothing prepares you for that sight...you know its always a possibility that something may happen in the first trimester..but nothing..and I mean nothing prepares you for that sight...I tried cleaning up but more just came...

My breathing was becoming ragid..I started to panic...I half walked..half ran back to the office..tried picking up my cell phone but my hands had begun to shake so bad I dropped my phone twice...I could no longer hold the tears in..they started flowing...I called my student workers over to my desk to ask them to dial Travis' number on my cell...then asked them to get my other co-worker in our office...Travis answered the phone..and the words almost seemed stuck...I didn't want to say them...I told him that I needed to get to the Emergency room..he immediatly kicked into action...I don't know how I managed the drive to meet him...I out my sunglasses on to avoid the crazy stars of passer byers..because by this time I was a blubbering mess...that drive to Montgomery was the longest of my life..we had the emergency blinkers on...but still..it took forever to pull into that parking lot...in that drive..so many thoughts run through your mind..every possible bad scenerio...so many "What if's"... Travis and I didn't talk much on the way...besides the occational "Are you okay"  he would ask me...I think we were both drowning in our own thoughts...to scared to speak them out loud...

By the time we reached the hospital..blood had soaked through my dress and Travis' jacket that I was sitting on to avoid it getting on the seats of my car..We got checked in pretty quick...taken back to a room...where they took our information...by this time my step-mom and dad were on there way...after telling what happened a million times to multiple nurses...the Dr. finally came in to see us...she took some notes...asked me what happened again...and gave me a slight node of her head..and pulled no punches...because of the amount of blood and the symtoms I was having she told Travis and I that she believed I had misscarried...but to be sure they would do a ultrasound and run multiple blood tests..I felt Travis squeeze my hand...the Dr. patted my leg in some kind of assurance...maybe it was sympathy..I don't know...Its funny, when you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound...when a window shatters... a table leg breaks or when a picture falls off the wall it makes a noise... but as for your heart... when that breaks it is completely silent...You would think as important as the heart is...it would make the loudest noise in the whole world or even have some distinct noise..but no...nothing...It was then that I found my praying voice...in that time of desperation..there was no doubts...there was no fear of what if Travis and I should have waited...there was no worry that we wouldnt be able to make it financially....there was only the desperate plea that I made to God..."Please God...Please allow this baby to be ok...despite all my doubts and my fears...I give this to you...I trust you...with my heart...with my family...with this baby...I trust you" ...

After several agonizing hours later...painful blood being drawn...Ultrasounds being done...the Dr. came in to reveal that we had not misscarried...we had a 8 week and 2 day old baby with a heartbeat...Travis and I both let out the biggest sigh of relief...and I smiled so hard I think it could have split my face in two...I couldnt say a full prayer...but all I could say over and over...was "Thank you God..Thank you"...

Since then we have made one other trip to the Emergency Room with the same thing... come to find out I have what's called a subcorneal hemorrhage...99 % of women will not have to deal with this during pregnancy..unfortunatly, I am in the 1% that does...I will continue to bleed until the problem fixes itself...and there is a small possibility that I will do this the entire pregnancy...It is nerve racking...I worry about every little ache or pain that I have...My worst nightmare is that I will go in for a Dr's appointment and she will not be able to find a heartbeat...I try not to let these negative thoughts in...but they somehow sneak in...

I feel as though my faith has been tested in these last few months...It is so hard to trust that God is doing what is best for you...you want so badly to take things in your own hands...to carry all of the burden...but I am learning more than ever to trust in him...to hand him over my family...my baby... and to say "Ok God...whatever your reasoning is...I trust you...as hard as it may be..I trust you.."