"Can you let me in on your plan God?"

This morning, as I sit down at my blog to write I am weighed down....I didn't come here today to tell you a wonderful story...or have some great words of wisdom that will make you ponder the meaning of life..or something like that...I simply came here to my blog today to write out my feelings...my distress...my fears....to pour them out as I have done so many times before in the hopes that it will ease the growing anxiety I have in my chest...and somehow calm me...

I have already written about my first trip to the Emergency Room because of my severe bleeding....I was 8 weeks and 2 days...where the doctor outright told us that we most likely had a miscarriage...thankfully she was wrong and everything turned out fine...It was a little less than a month later when I another similiar severe bleed...I was right at 12 weeks...which resulted in another trip to the emergency room....again, everything turned out fine...we were told both times that we went to the ER that I had what was called a "Subchorionic Hemorrage"..defined as: A pool of blood clot that resides between the membrane of the placenta (chorion) and the wall of the uterus... for more information you can go to this website:  http://hematomatreatment.com/subchorionic-hematoma/ ... We were told that these more commonly resolve themselves during the first trimester...well, I was at the end of my first trimester so we were thinking we could breathe a sigh of relief...In the meantime, when we went to my doctor she told us that she thought the bleeding was caused from the implantation process which is the stage at which the embryo adheres to the wall of the uterus...the doctor explained that it can be a pretty bloody process...so here we are, with 2 different explanations as to why I am having such extreme bleeds...

To say that my stress level was through the roof is a bit of a understatement...but I kept myself positive with the thought that both doctors said the bleeding should reslove itself by week 16...I just had to wait it out..while I thought that over the next couple weeks the bleeding would lighten up until it completly stops...that unfortunatly is not the case...Monday the 20th, I will be 18 weeks...and the bleeding has not stopped..in fact, it has gotten worse...I am going to get a little graphic on details but it is the only way to describe what I am dealing with...I have went from gushing...and yes, I literally mean gushing...blood once a week..to at least once a day...many times, more than that...it doesnt matter where I am... what I am doing...walking or sitting...it just happens...often times, drenching my underpants and back of my clothes with blood because there is in fact so much of it...I am not, by any means, trying to be dramatic...I was sitting at my dad's house last week carrying on a casual conversation with him after work when all the sudden I had to run to the bathroom...by the time I had gotten there (10 steps away)..it drenched my clothes...my tights...my legs...and the toilet looked like a murder scene...I was at home laying in the bed reading..when I felt it again...the gushing again drenched my clothes..my sheets...and went through onto our mattress...this often happens all through out the night as well..I wake up in the middle of the night because I am bleeding...I have had to start sleeping with a towel underneath my sheets to protect my mattress...I was doing a little bit of shopping at Target while talking to my brother on the phone...and I had to put my things down and get off the phone with him and run to the nearest bathroom because ,again, I was gushing blood...I was sitting here at work just this week...when again, I felt it...I had to leave work early because it went through onto my dress...this was after I got through scrubbing blood out of my work chair...this is just a few of the instances...There is not one single day in the last 3 months that I have not worn a pad..which doesnt really do much good exept to catch and absorb a little bit of the blood...this is a day in and day out routine...

Evertime we go to the doctor..the baby is fine...heartrate is fine...actually, the baby is 2 days ahead of schedule on developing...last week at a unexpected Dr. appointment she said that at this point she does not know why I am bleeding so much...she says that the baby may have implanted on a blood vessel which is causing the gushes...or that it may be "A weird unexplained pregnancy thing"...I just want a answer...a name...something to tell me what is going on with my body...I have thought about getting a second opinion..but my step-mother who has had her fair share of miscarriages and pregnancy troubles that could last anyone a lifetime...told me that even if I get a second opinion, I may not get a answer...that even with her 13 miscarriages the doctors couldnt really tell her a definate reason as to why she couldnt carry a baby...

This is a nightmare...I am in constant fear all the time...I wait impatiently for my Dr's appointments because I want to hear the heartbeat...to see it move around...to know that everything is alright...the weeks inbetween those appointments are torture..because I am so afraid that my babys heartbeat will just stop one day without me knowing...not only is this taking a toll on me emotionally...it is taking its toll on me physically...I don't sleep at night because I am so up and down...in the morning when I wake up I am drained of all my energy because of the blood loss...I have become a person I don't hardly recognize....I am irritable all the time...I often times, take it out on Travis and Khristian...and I feel absolutly horrible afterwards...Travis does what he can to help me...I don't even feel like me..feeling positive..feeling confident...feeling postive...these are things that used to be me...and its getting harder by the second to continue these things...I feel like I am prisoner to my own body and I have no clue as to whats going on...The baby is getting what it needs from me...but what happens when my health has declined and then the babys health starts to decline...I had so many hopes for what this pregnancy was going to bring...this, however, was not in the plans...just another instance where God throws us a wrench in our life that we have to overcome...I tell myself day after day that he has a plan...he is in control...and he is guiding this pregnancy....I just, for the life of me, would love to understand the purpose of this...

This is not a pity plea..this is not a plea to feel sorry for me in the least little bit...the only thing I will ask of you...my family, my friends and my readers...is for your prayers...I have seen them work before..and I pray that they work and heal whatever is going on within my body...and keep my baby safe...My family cannot carry this on our own...This may go away in the next couple weeks..it may be gone tomorrow...I dont know...but I know that he does...I just wish I could ask God to let me in on his plans so that it may set my heart and mind at ease....