Thursday, May 28, 2015
“Even if i'm setting myself up for failure, I think it's worth trying to be a mother who delights in who her children are, in their knock-knock jokes and earnest questions. A mother who spends less time obsessing about what will happen, or what has happened, and more time reveling in what is.... A mother who doesn't fret over failings and slights, who realizes her worries and anxieties are just thoughts, the continuous chattering and judgement of a too busy mind.... A mother who doesn't worry so much about being bad or good but just recognizes that she's both, and neither.....A mother who does her best, and for whom that is good enough, even if, in the end, her best turns out to be, simply, not bad..... ”
So Many times, I think it has been way too long since I opened up about anything raw that I am going through present day. And my fear kicks in and I make excuses and I avoid sharing on here. I know that I have a lot to say, because I have a lot to think about. My mind never seems to stop. Let me try and see if I can explain what I am feeling....I pray the right words will come....I pray that this will ease the ever crowding thoughts in my head....and I hope you can follow....
Today is the last day of school....as I type this I am letting out a huge sigh of relief. Even if you didn't have children you would be able to look at your status feed on Facebook and guess it.... Awards Day...Honor's Programs....Graduations.....the usual bragging that little Johnny made all A Honor roll again this year with Perfect attendance. It usually lasts for about a good 2 weeks before it slacks off and the Summer posts start filling my feed. Believe me, I love seeing all the posts.....the smiling, beaming faces of parents that are so filled with pride.....the kids that are so happy that another year has come and gone...and they were successful in making good grades. Excited about the Summer of fun laid before them...Pool parties, beach trips, staying up late, hanging out with friends way after the hot blazing sun has went down, sleeping in and lazy days....Its a break from the stress and monotony of organized school days.
It is around this time every year that I always begin to feel like a failure as a Mother....
Allow me to explain...School is a struggle for us. School is a struggle for Khristian.....it always has been. I sit here quietly and read your status updates....and while I am proud of you and your children....I also feel a bit inadequate as a mother. Khristian is not a bad student....he is a smart kid....has amazing potential and can do anything he puts his mind to. He can retain bits of information like an encyclopedia and spit stuff out that he learned in class years ago back at you. He just doesn't like school....Organization is not his thing....and for the love of God, the child loves to talk (which frequently gets him in trouble,)
I dread the month of August every single year.....I know a new school year is about to start up and the struggle will once again begin. There have been night that I have sat at the kitchen table and cried....been frustrated....wondered what it is that I am doing wrong. There have been days when I pick up his bookbag and peek inside and find a mess of papers....I have spent a fortune in organizational materials in past years. Nothing works. School is a constant battle with him.....and by the time that May rolls around....I am physically and mentally exhausted. I have often wondered if there are other Mom's out there like me....that will never post a status stating that their child has made all A Honor Roll....that sits silently just praying for your child to pass the grade level. That lays in the bed at night after an argument with her child about a test that he obviously didn't study enough for.....and wonders what she should do differently and fears for her child's future. Fears that her past mistakes will become her son's present mistakes. I feel as though sometimes I am struggling just to keep it all together and I don't want my biggest failure in life to be that I didn't give my all to my children.
Last night these thoughts were weighing heavy on my mind before I went to sleep....after tossing and turning all night I got up and ran this morning with a sweet friend, On the way home the sun coming up behind the clouds was a beautiful sight....I pulled over and prayed. I prayed that God would
ease the heavy feeling on my heart....show me somehow that I was not a failure...that I was making a difference in my child's life. I prayed that he would help me seek new ways to deal and to have the strength to make it through another school year come August. I prayed that he would speak to Khristian's heart....to give him that drive that he needs. I prayed that he take my mine and my child's heart in his hands and mold it to what he wants it be....
I wiped the tears from eyes....pulled out on the road and drove home....and when I got to my front door....my prayer was answered.
I was met at the door by Khristian, who was weirdly already awake, with a bag of garbage being taken out. He said "Good Morning Mom....I've already cleaned the kitchen and living room for you this morning so you don't have to rush to do it.' As I said Thank you Son....I heard my sweet Bailey already awake in my bedroom watching cartoons..... I went to give her a hug and she said "My Bubby got me a juice and turned Peppa Pig on for me!"
I may not can post a facebook status about Khristian making all A's and so on.....but I could write a book about how good that childs heart is. I could tell you about how every single day in the afternoon he asks me "Mom, How was your day?" .... or the fact that he randomly will pick up the house when he sees how exhausted I am. I could tell you about how some mornings I will look in the rearview mirror and I see him holding Baileys hand.....about how since she was born and is upset, he can rub the side of her face and she calms down....and every morning when he gets out of the car for school he makes it a point to kiss me goodbye and tell Bailey to have a good day. I can tell you about the time that he heard Travis and I get into an argument and he pulled me aside the next day and made sure that I was ok and told me he loved me. I can tell you about the letter he gave me that told me I was his biggest inspiration....that I taught him to never give up on his dreams....and I could tell you about how after him and I get into an argument, several hours later he will come into my bedroom and cuddle up with me for a few minutes like he did when he was a toddler....and just sit quietly for a moment.
When I walked in the door this morning, I was reminded that I have a son that has a heart of gold.
You can't teach that at school..... :)