"Grief is a tricky, stalking thing..."
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
“She heard him mutter, 'Can you take away this grief?'
'I'm sorry,' she replied. 'Everyone asks me. And I would not do so even if I knew how. It belongs to you. Only time and tears take away grief; that is what they are for...”
Grief is a tricky, stalking thing...A shaded presence in my peripherals...breathing on my neck...walking beside me...behind me....and some days suffocating me. You can't always see him...he doesn't show up all the time...he is an uninvited dinner guest...he sneaks up on you...and when he is there...he sits down and makes himself at home for a little while...and then he is gone...giving you the illusion that he has left for good...only to return when you least expect it....
I woke up Monday morning with a heavy heart...there was a a heavy stone sitting on top of my chest making it impossible to breath....I put my running shoes on did the only thing I knew to do...I ran until I literally couldn't breathe...I ran hard...and fast...I ran until I had tears streaming down my face...until I had the biggest hitch it my side and the pain was so unbearable that I had to stop...I sat beside the road and I sobbed...not for the pain in my side...the burn in my lungs...the ache of my legs....but for the pain in my heart...the feeling of loss...the feeling that I had worked so hard to overcome the last 8 months. I got up...wiped my face...took a deep breathe and ran back to my car...
July 31st...that is the day I was supposed to bring home my precious angel...I dread this day...every hour of that day....and everyday leading up to it brings a deeper sense of dread...I feel like I have reliving the day I was told there was no heartbeat over and over and over...A day that was supposed to be filled with such joy will forever be one of sadness. Instead of counting ten perfect tiny fingers and toes....smelling that sweet, perfect newborn smell....marveling at how this tiny being was in my belly for 9 months....Instead of all these wonderful things, I will wake up to a heap of dread...
Two of my dearest friends got to experience motherhood for the first time last week...on the same day...and on my birthday. One is adopting a precious baby girl....She has dreamed about being a mother and has had more than her share of heartbreak...more than anyone should. She is such a strong woman and she always continues to strive...heartbreak after heartbreak. I have watched her from start to finish on this journey and to see her with that perfect little being in her arms...that look of unconditional love in her eyes as she looks into that beautiful baby girls face...it makes me heart so happy for her...
The other girl is part of my soul...the moment we met we clicked...and I knew it was a special friendship. I have watched her grow from a college kid, to an adult with her first big girl job, to a wife...and now a mother. I wasn't able to be there but the pictures she shared and gave me the first "sneak peak" into that special day...were beautiful. You could see the look of pure joy on everyone's face...the picture that stood out to me was a single teardrop rolling from the Mother's eye as she looked down into that perfect face...So much emotion displayed in that one teardrop. I think it summed up the day perfectly...
I feel selfish...because while I am thrilled beyond belief for these 2 ladies...my heart hurts...my arms feel empty...and I feel envious. While looking at their pictures brings a smile to my face...it also brings tears to my eyes.
I read a blog post a while back that was sent to me from a dear friend...it was stated perfectly that "It's okay not to be okay sometimes..." Today, I am not okay...I long for the baby that was supposed to be mine...I long for the dream of what she or he was going to accomplish in this life....I long to see that face....to feel those tiny fingers....to lay his or her head on my chest and take it all in...I long to not grieve anymore...I long to be okay...
I am not okay today...and I may not be tomorrow...but someday....I know I will be....and grief won't walk so closely by me....
