"Sweet Sweet baby..."

“Every morning, I wake up and forget for just a second that it happened…But once my eyes open, it buries me like a landslide of sharp, sad rocks. Once my eyes open, I’m heavy…like there’s to much gravity on my heart…”

 

 

My dear sweet baby…


Yesterday was 1 week since I was told you had no heartbeat...I woke up feeling like my heart was to heavy for my body...and even though I knew that you are safely being rocked up in Heaven every part of my body ached to have you safely back in my tummy...

 

My heart is hurting so bad for the things that I will never get to do and I can’t even begin to understand how to process this. I will never get to meet you…lay my eyes upon you…hold your tiny little hand in mine…count your toes and fingers…tell you over and over how wonderfully beautiful you are...rock you... You will never get to meet your older brother or sister....or the huge family that was excited to meet you... Most of all, I will never be able to tell how sorry I am…

 

 I thought that as the days went on that I would make sense of things…that I would see things clearer…but as the time drags on day after day you consume my thoughts and I can’t get one thought straight from the other. I think back to the day in the doctors office when I found out I was pregnant...I cried…not out of joy but out of selfishness. All I could think about was how were your daddy and I going to afford another child…another mouth to feed…and then I thought about how much I was going to dread breastfeeding for another year. Dread…I actually remember thinking that exact word….How incredibly selfish was I? I wasn’t thinking about this gift from heaven that God was giving me…or how much Joy you would add to our life...


Dread…that is what I was thinking...Ashamed does not even begin to describe how I feel...

 

My thoughts revolved around me...How I had worked so hard to get my body back in shape after I had your sister....How little sleep I was going to get...Was I still going to able to run my marathon I had trained so hard for....How I had to give up things for 9 months...me, me me...selfish, selfish, selfish....


While at the Dr’s office, I asked him if I could still run the marathon that I had trained for…seems so unimportant now…but he said yes…as long as I stayed hydrated…so I ran. At mile 23, I started to cramp so I backed off…walked and ran the last 3 miles. Was that you telling me something was wrong? I can’t help but to think “What if” I had not run that weekend would I still have you safe in my stomach??

 

In 1 month’s time, your dad and I had gone through the several stages....Shock, acceptance and finally excitement. We were making plans and coming up with names for you…We were figuring things out and I was starting to see a tiny baby bump and I would smile when I looked in the mirror...You already had your first nickname thanks to your Uncle Adam…”Frank the Tank” Jones…this came about because your dad thought you would be a boy and said that a boy named Tank Jones would be a force to be reckoned with…he was kidding but none the less…the name stuck. I was finally starting to think that this was going to work…that we would be ok…

 

I went in for my 11 week check-up…I was giddy because I was going to hear your heartbeat...Dr. Logan came in the room and checked everything...tried to find the heartbeat as I anxiously waited to heat those tiny little thumps….she was having difficulty finding one and I remember thinking "Stubborn already"... She assured me that this was common at 11 weeks…she didn't seem at all worried something was wrong.....I was sent in for an ultrasound where the nurse took some several pictures..5 minutes of no words being spoken she grabbed the pictures and said she would be right back.


 I knew…I felt it… something was wrong… that word again…Dread…Except this time is was with complete different feelings. This next part I have replayed over and over in my head…from the facial expressions…to the words. Dr. logan walked in with a grim face and said “There is no heartbeat…”  I sat there unable to fully process her words…No heartbeat? How could that be? Why would God allow me to get pregnant when there wasn’t supposed to be a chance of it…then allow this to happen? What was the purpose? The reasoning??

 

I sat there in shock for a moment…I felt tears but they didn’t drop…She talked for a few minutes…I am sure it was reassurance…words of comfort…but honestly, I don’t remember. She gave me a moment by myself to collect myself…I called Travis and asked him to meet me at home… walked through the motions of the D&C appointment…got my next appointment…a few hugs…and walked out the door and into my car where I called my parents…and only then did I cry. I sat in my car…in that parking lot and sobbed like a baby…for the baby that stopped developing at 9 weeks…for you. Was this my punishment? Did God deciede that I was to selfish to give you to me? Of course, I know that our God is a loving God …and has a plan for us….but why this plan???

 

The guilt I feel is crushing me…I feel like I can’t breathe at times. Night is worse…I lay in the bed consumed with thoughts that wont go away. I can’t make heads or tails of anything and all I want is to go back to the first doctors visit…I want to hear your heartbeat. I want to change my reactions…my thoughts…I want to try to change the outcome…I feel that I failed you as a mother…I was supposed to be your protector until you came into this world…and I didn’t do that.

 

I am sorry little one…the only comforting thought I have is that you are playing in heaven with all of the other heaven babies…you have seen the beauty of heaven and will never know the ways of this selfish world. I hope that when the day comes and I finally meet you…that you forgive me….and know that I love you…

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