"Can you let me in on your plan God?"

This morning, as I sit down at my blog to write I am weighed down....I didn't come here today to tell you a wonderful story...or have some great words of wisdom that will make you ponder the meaning of life..or something like that...I simply came here to my blog today to write out my feelings...my distress...my fears....to pour them out as I have done so many times before in the hopes that it will ease the growing anxiety I have in my chest...and somehow calm me...

I have already written about my first trip to the Emergency Room because of my severe bleeding....I was 8 weeks and 2 days...where the doctor outright told us that we most likely had a miscarriage...thankfully she was wrong and everything turned out fine...It was a little less than a month later when I another similiar severe bleed...I was right at 12 weeks...which resulted in another trip to the emergency room....again, everything turned out fine...we were told both times that we went to the ER that I had what was called a "Subchorionic Hemorrage"..defined as: A pool of blood clot that resides between the membrane of the placenta (chorion) and the wall of the uterus... for more information you can go to this website:  http://hematomatreatment.com/subchorionic-hematoma/ ... We were told that these more commonly resolve themselves during the first trimester...well, I was at the end of my first trimester so we were thinking we could breathe a sigh of relief...In the meantime, when we went to my doctor she told us that she thought the bleeding was caused from the implantation process which is the stage at which the embryo adheres to the wall of the uterus...the doctor explained that it can be a pretty bloody process...so here we are, with 2 different explanations as to why I am having such extreme bleeds...

To say that my stress level was through the roof is a bit of a understatement...but I kept myself positive with the thought that both doctors said the bleeding should reslove itself by week 16...I just had to wait it out..while I thought that over the next couple weeks the bleeding would lighten up until it completly stops...that unfortunatly is not the case...Monday the 20th, I will be 18 weeks...and the bleeding has not stopped..in fact, it has gotten worse...I am going to get a little graphic on details but it is the only way to describe what I am dealing with...I have went from gushing...and yes, I literally mean gushing...blood once a week..to at least once a day...many times, more than that...it doesnt matter where I am... what I am doing...walking or sitting...it just happens...often times, drenching my underpants and back of my clothes with blood because there is in fact so much of it...I am not, by any means, trying to be dramatic...I was sitting at my dad's house last week carrying on a casual conversation with him after work when all the sudden I had to run to the bathroom...by the time I had gotten there (10 steps away)..it drenched my clothes...my tights...my legs...and the toilet looked like a murder scene...I was at home laying in the bed reading..when I felt it again...the gushing again drenched my clothes..my sheets...and went through onto our mattress...this often happens all through out the night as well..I wake up in the middle of the night because I am bleeding...I have had to start sleeping with a towel underneath my sheets to protect my mattress...I was doing a little bit of shopping at Target while talking to my brother on the phone...and I had to put my things down and get off the phone with him and run to the nearest bathroom because ,again, I was gushing blood...I was sitting here at work just this week...when again, I felt it...I had to leave work early because it went through onto my dress...this was after I got through scrubbing blood out of my work chair...this is just a few of the instances...There is not one single day in the last 3 months that I have not worn a pad..which doesnt really do much good exept to catch and absorb a little bit of the blood...this is a day in and day out routine...

Evertime we go to the doctor..the baby is fine...heartrate is fine...actually, the baby is 2 days ahead of schedule on developing...last week at a unexpected Dr. appointment she said that at this point she does not know why I am bleeding so much...she says that the baby may have implanted on a blood vessel which is causing the gushes...or that it may be "A weird unexplained pregnancy thing"...I just want a answer...a name...something to tell me what is going on with my body...I have thought about getting a second opinion..but my step-mother who has had her fair share of miscarriages and pregnancy troubles that could last anyone a lifetime...told me that even if I get a second opinion, I may not get a answer...that even with her 13 miscarriages the doctors couldnt really tell her a definate reason as to why she couldnt carry a baby...

This is a nightmare...I am in constant fear all the time...I wait impatiently for my Dr's appointments because I want to hear the heartbeat...to see it move around...to know that everything is alright...the weeks inbetween those appointments are torture..because I am so afraid that my babys heartbeat will just stop one day without me knowing...not only is this taking a toll on me emotionally...it is taking its toll on me physically...I don't sleep at night because I am so up and down...in the morning when I wake up I am drained of all my energy because of the blood loss...I have become a person I don't hardly recognize....I am irritable all the time...I often times, take it out on Travis and Khristian...and I feel absolutly horrible afterwards...Travis does what he can to help me...I don't even feel like me..feeling positive..feeling confident...feeling postive...these are things that used to be me...and its getting harder by the second to continue these things...I feel like I am prisoner to my own body and I have no clue as to whats going on...The baby is getting what it needs from me...but what happens when my health has declined and then the babys health starts to decline...I had so many hopes for what this pregnancy was going to bring...this, however, was not in the plans...just another instance where God throws us a wrench in our life that we have to overcome...I tell myself day after day that he has a plan...he is in control...and he is guiding this pregnancy....I just, for the life of me, would love to understand the purpose of this...

This is not a pity plea..this is not a plea to feel sorry for me in the least little bit...the only thing I will ask of you...my family, my friends and my readers...is for your prayers...I have seen them work before..and I pray that they work and heal whatever is going on within my body...and keep my baby safe...My family cannot carry this on our own...This may go away in the next couple weeks..it may be gone tomorrow...I dont know...but I know that he does...I just wish I could ask God to let me in on his plans so that it may set my heart and mind at ease....

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"Moments..."

This weekend like many other women who love a good love story...I jumped on the bandwagon and went to see the movie "The Vow"... It was a ok enough movie...certainly not at the calibre of "The Notebook", "Dirty Dancing" or "Pretty Women"...but it had it's moments...it made me cry at times (which is not hard to do at this particular part of my pregnancy)...it made me angry at certain times.... and then ultimatly, at the end, it made me happy because I am a sucker for happy endings...but the one thing that I took away from this movie is the theme of "Moments"...there are sudden moments in our life that stick out more so than other...some change our life forever....some are just moments in time that will forever stick out in our memory...no reason...they just do...Our life is filled with tiny little moments...and we store them in our memory so that we can think back on them from time to time...

When Khristian was a baby..he was very sick...in and out of the hospital with severe Asthma and acid reflux...his immune system was very weak due to the asthma...so we had to watch him closely...he could start coughing one hour and then the next hour we were heading to the hospital to be admitted...The Troy hospital and Childrens hospital in Birmingham knew us by name...Sometimes we would have long waits in the waiting room or in the actual room waiting to see the Dr....as most babies do, Khristian would start to get fussy... I found that the only way to get him to calm down most time is to sing "You are my Sunshine" to him... often times, I would sing it so much that the nurses outside the room could hear me and the tune would get stuck in their head... I have no idea why that song seemed to soothe him...that is a memory that will forever stick out my mind...

The other night while cooking supper..my stomach was in knots...it was making all kinds of weird sounds..doing flip flops...I was a little nausous which I haven't been in over a month...subconciously, I started humming a little tune...."You are my sunshine"...I don't know why I started doing it...instinct, maybe....but within 10 minutes my stomach had settled down...not a single sound was coming from my stomach...it finally dawned on me what had just happened...I had just had my first moment with this new little blessing...It also connected my 2 children togther...

The further along in my pregnancy that I get...I am fillled with a anticipation that I have never felt before...I have so many thoughts...when Khristian was born, I was 17..there was so much that I was unable to do with him when he was a baby...partly because I was a single teenage mother trying to make it off the little salary I made as a waitress...and partly because there was so  much I didnt know I was supposed to do...I was so overwhelmed with motherhood that I had little thoughts as to what I should do...I was learning...I am still leaning...everyday is a new lesson...and I know that this new baby will be a whole new lesson on its own...a whole new adventure....I want to put a record player in the babies room and sit there for hours listening to my grandmothers old records like I did when I was younger...I want get out in the yard and teach her/him to make things grow...I want to take more time to appreciate the younger years...I feel that the younger years just flew by so quickly with Khristian that I didn't get to enjoy things the way I should have...I never got to spend 9 months planning a baby nursery...picking out every single detail of the room to make it just perfect....I can't sit here and lie and tell you pregnancy has been so far been a great expierence..it hasnt...it feels like there is medical issue after medical issue...and I have had more ultrasounds in this last 4 months than I can count...but I would not take a single thing back...every day that this little ray of sunshine grows in my stomach I love it more and more...I can press on my lower stomach and tell where its laying...I grab Travis hand and place in on that spot and as he pushes in and feels the baby...I see that light in his eyes...and every pain...every trip to the ER...every time I throw up...is worth it in that moment....

Moments...they change our life forever...they mold us...they make us who we are...good or bad...big or small...they make us..shape us...and conform us to a better person... (=

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"I trust you..."

There are moments that I think God presents himself to you in such a unexpected way...he has a way of showing you what your heart truly desires...and in the same moment testing you to see how much faith you truly put in him..how much you trust in him...to say "Ok God...whatever your reasoning is...I trust you...as hard as it may be..I trust you.."

Right after Travis and I found out we were pregnant...we were both of course over the moon excited..couldnt wipe the smile off our face excited...really wanting to tell everyone excited..just plain excited...it was all we could talk about for the next couple days...I think it was the hardest keeping it a secret from Khristian..we both know he has such a hard time keeping that little motor mouth of his shut...Bless his heart, he really can't keep a secret..though he tries...most of time it just slips out before he realizes it...so for the time being we kept it a secret from most everyone..except our parents and a few close friends...Christmas was almost upon us and the usual stress of that time of year was closing in...finances were tight due to impending bills, presents left to buy and so on..the ususal Christmas time stress...adding on to the fact, that I was impossibly sick with morning sickness...(although seriously, It should be called ALL DAY sickness..because thats exactly what it was)...I started having some doubts...I am one to over analyze things...so when one negative though enters my mind...of course, others are to follow...

I couldnt help but to think of the financal aspect of having a baby in the house...diapers and formula..childcare...What if we had rushed into this a bit to quick...maybe we should have waited one more year...thought after thought rushed in...I tried pushing them out as fast as they could rush in...I took a deep breathe and said "Just Breathe...Just Breathe Jessica...it's going to be alright"...  Whats odd to me here that as I type this I think back to the night I took that pregnancy test...I thanked God for allowing us to have this little blessing...but as I sat there a couple weeks later worrying about trivial things...I forgot to pray to God to help ease me fears...to help ease the burden off my chest...I forgot to trust in him...Isn't it so easy how we do that...

On a Wednesday afternoon a couple weeks prior to Christmas and about a week and a half before our first Dr. appointment to "offically" confirm that in fact I was pregnant...things changes...it was a slow afternoon in the office so 2 co-workers and I decided to walk down to the book store here on campus to grab a dose of caffeine (yes I know, no caffeine...but seriously I had not drank coffee in almost 2 months because smell of it made my stomach do flip flops) to make it through the rest of the evening...I grabbed a tall mocha frap and we headed on our way back...half way back to our building here on campus I felt a small gush...You may laugh, but my first thought was "Great..along with everything else a pregnant woman has to deal with..now I have to worry about my bladder leaking all over the place".. I kept quiet but a few seconds later I felt a slightly larger gush...with something running down my legs...I picked up my pace to get back to the building...when I got to the bathroom...my heart stopped when I found a large amount of blood...in that moment, let me tell you...nothing prepares you for that sight...you know its always a possibility that something may happen in the first trimester..but nothing..and I mean nothing prepares you for that sight...I tried cleaning up but more just came...

My breathing was becoming ragid..I started to panic...I half walked..half ran back to the office..tried picking up my cell phone but my hands had begun to shake so bad I dropped my phone twice...I could no longer hold the tears in..they started flowing...I called my student workers over to my desk to ask them to dial Travis' number on my cell...then asked them to get my other co-worker in our office...Travis answered the phone..and the words almost seemed stuck...I didn't want to say them...I told him that I needed to get to the Emergency room..he immediatly kicked into action...I don't know how I managed the drive to meet him...I out my sunglasses on to avoid the crazy stars of passer byers..because by this time I was a blubbering mess...that drive to Montgomery was the longest of my life..we had the emergency blinkers on...but still..it took forever to pull into that parking lot...in that drive..so many thoughts run through your mind..every possible bad scenerio...so many "What if's"... Travis and I didn't talk much on the way...besides the occational "Are you okay"  he would ask me...I think we were both drowning in our own thoughts...to scared to speak them out loud...

By the time we reached the hospital..blood had soaked through my dress and Travis' jacket that I was sitting on to avoid it getting on the seats of my car..We got checked in pretty quick...taken back to a room...where they took our information...by this time my step-mom and dad were on there way...after telling what happened a million times to multiple nurses...the Dr. finally came in to see us...she took some notes...asked me what happened again...and gave me a slight node of her head..and pulled no punches...because of the amount of blood and the symtoms I was having she told Travis and I that she believed I had misscarried...but to be sure they would do a ultrasound and run multiple blood tests..I felt Travis squeeze my hand...the Dr. patted my leg in some kind of assurance...maybe it was sympathy..I don't know...Its funny, when you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound...when a window shatters... a table leg breaks or when a picture falls off the wall it makes a noise... but as for your heart... when that breaks it is completely silent...You would think as important as the heart is...it would make the loudest noise in the whole world or even have some distinct noise..but no...nothing...It was then that I found my praying voice...in that time of desperation..there was no doubts...there was no fear of what if Travis and I should have waited...there was no worry that we wouldnt be able to make it financially....there was only the desperate plea that I made to God..."Please God...Please allow this baby to be ok...despite all my doubts and my fears...I give this to you...I trust you...with my heart...with my family...with this baby...I trust you" ...

After several agonizing hours later...painful blood being drawn...Ultrasounds being done...the Dr. came in to reveal that we had not misscarried...we had a 8 week and 2 day old baby with a heartbeat...Travis and I both let out the biggest sigh of relief...and I smiled so hard I think it could have split my face in two...I couldnt say a full prayer...but all I could say over and over...was "Thank you God..Thank you"...

Since then we have made one other trip to the Emergency Room with the same thing... come to find out I have what's called a subcorneal hemorrhage...99 % of women will not have to deal with this during pregnancy..unfortunatly, I am in the 1% that does...I will continue to bleed until the problem fixes itself...and there is a small possibility that I will do this the entire pregnancy...It is nerve racking...I worry about every little ache or pain that I have...My worst nightmare is that I will go in for a Dr's appointment and she will not be able to find a heartbeat...I try not to let these negative thoughts in...but they somehow sneak in...

I feel as though my faith has been tested in these last few months...It is so hard to trust that God is doing what is best for you...you want so badly to take things in your own hands...to carry all of the burden...but I am learning more than ever to trust in him...to hand him over my family...my baby... and to say "Ok God...whatever your reasoning is...I trust you...as hard as it may be..I trust you.."

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