"Waiting..."

"A waiting person is a patient person...The word patience means the willingness to stay where we are and live the situation out to the full.. in the belief that something hidden there will manifest itself to us...”

I have been sitting on this post for about a week or so...and I have finally decieded to publish it for all to read...I am opening up myself for a bit of criticism and thats ok...I don't expect everyone to agree with me or my reasoning..believe me, I have heard from both sides of the fence...so you won't say anything that I haven't already heard...

I have been asked on multiple occations here lately why Travis and I waited so long to have a baby...I could give the simple cut and dry answer that so many give..."I just wasn't ready"...and while that is true to a certain degree...it is not my sole answer...To be quite honest with you, there are several answers that I can give you..Ultimatly, I don't owe anyone a explaination really...but I really wanted to answer this..So bear with me as I tell this and you will get your answer...


If you have been following me on this blog and read a great deal of my posts or know me personally then you most likely know my backstory...it is no secret that I was a teenage mother at the young age of 17...Things were not ideal and there is alot of painful memories from that time in my life...when I meet Travis, Khristian was 2 almost 3 and I was still a complete unstable mess on the inside...geez, as I think back to it I was still so young mentally but yet I was a couple years ahead of others my age...I was in a in-between stage of still being a child and trying my best to be a adult...Over the course of about year and half our relationship grew stronger and we were both on stable ground enough to begin to talk about marriage. Travis was far more advanced in his feelings than I was..he has always said that he knew from very early in our relationship that I was the one for him...I was the one that held back a good bit..but I finally couldnt hold out any longer and admitted that he was the guy for me..and so we were married on April 9th, 2005..Khristian was 4 at the time...and only then did we move in together..not saying that anything is wrong with living together before marriage..it just wasn't for us. It was a huge adjustment for both Khristian and I...but here we were...we were finally a family..Travis, Khristian and I...

Before we were married, Khristian had already begun to ask a few questions...such as why Mama, maw-maw or Paw-Paw always picked him up from daycare..other kid's had daddy's that picked them up and he just didn't understand where his daddy was..Seriously, you tell me how you explain that one to a 4year old?? I have to stop here and give some major praise to my Dad and Step-mom because along with me, they did everything in there power to make sure Khristian missed out on nothing...they stepped right in and became such a major role in not only Khristian's life..but also in mine..Honestly, I have no idea what I would have done without them to back me up so much...While they were a huge part of Khristians life...I felt bad as a mother because I wanted Khristian to know what it was like to have a mommy and daddy present in his life...

So, to finally answer the question...why did Travis and I wait so long to have a baby? It's a 2 part answer...Firstly, I had such a tramatic expierence when I had Khristian that I was completly against ever having another child...I had deep rooted wounds that over time healed enough so that I could see past what had happened in my first pregnancy and I could actually start looking toward a future one...and secondly, I felt that I owed Khristian that time...It was partly my mistakes and my choices as a teenager that had caused him to miss out on the storybook family that he so much deserved...so when Travis and I got married...I felt he needed that time...by himself...I felt that deserved to have us all to himself for a while...I felt that he and Travis needed that time to bond...to play baseball and football...to have father/son talks...and because of this their relationship has grown from a tiny little seed to a powerful unbreakable bond...If it was up to Travis we would have had a child in our second year of marriage..but I held stronge in saying no..yes, because I wasn't ready..but that's not all..I was selfish...I was selfish for Khristian...and for myself...I needed that time as much as Khristian...I reveled in the fact that I now had a little family to call my own...I wanted to know what it was like to take family trips to the park..or to have that family photo taken at a special moment...

I have had heard all the typical responses to why I waited...and yes I say "I" because in fact it was me..."You are cheating Travis by not having another baby"..and.."He deserves to have a child of his own"... but here is the thing that do not and will never understand...he gained just as much from these past 6 years of it just being us...he has a bond with Khristian now that he knows he would not have had if we had in fact rushed into having a baby so early in our marriage..and one of the most admirable things about Travis is he never pushed...not even once...he understood completly my reasoning for waiting...and while I waited for me to finally be ready...he waited for me...

Khristian has 6 amazing years that he gets to call his own...the spoiled only child...and I wouldnt have it any other way... =)

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"Criticism is a hard pill to swallow..."

“You may not want to hear it...but your critics are often the ones telling you they still love you and care about you....and want to make you better..."

Everyone has had to deal with it at one point or another, most on a daily basis....whether it's how you perform your job at work... how you raise your children...how clean you keep your house...how you speak...how you treat people...how health concious you are. Regardless of what the situation is...we all have to deal with criticism...As humans, we tend to get our feelings hurt when this happens..because let's face it....nobody likes to be told they are doing something wrong or there is room for improvement. Some handle this better than others...while others just don't deal with it at all...At the end of the day, most of us teach ourselves to"Put our big girl panties on and deal with it"...we apply the newfound information to our life..and choose to improve ourself.... but I have recently come across something that I am having difficulty with....How do you teach a 10 year old how to deal with criticism??

Khristian by nature is a sensative child...he get's his feelings hurt easily...but also by the same standard, he is very stubborn...like most children he thinks his way is best and he knows way more than Travis and I could ever teach him. There are times when Travis and I just have to lay things out boldly for him to understand the point that we are tying to get across to him... This often times leads to hurt feeling and him sulking off into his bedroom thinking that it us against him....It is hard to get across to him that we are not telling him these things to hurt him...we tell him these things to help him improve himself...Travis is by far harder of him that I am...especially in sports and things of that nature...I am harder on him when it comes to what he is capable of in school and what is asked of him in the house such as chores...

A episode one morning last week resulted in a very long conversation between Travis, Khristian, and I...Khristian knows that when he wakes up in the morning he is to get dressed for school, clean his room, make his bed, straighten up his bathroom, and brush his hair before he can turn on the TV or play his X-box 360...also, if Travis has placed some clothes of his in his room to fold (Yes, we make him fold and put up his own clothes because we feel that it teaches him responsibility) he has to make sure those are folded/hung before the TV comes on...All of this can be done within 25 minutes and he still has 30-40 minutes of free time before we leave the house...on this particular morning he ran through all of his chores barely..the clothes basket that was full of his "clean" clothes was laying on his floor now mixed with clean and dirty clothes in it and stuffed in his closet...his bed was half made..his bathroom still had dirty clothes laying in the floor..and there he was... sitting on the couch eating his sausage biscuit..watching TV...

There had been several other instances that also lead to the talk we had with him but this was the one that broke the camel's back...The talk started out like most we have had consisting of "You have to do your chores" and "You can't half do things"..."You have to start being more responsible" and blah blah blah...you all know the talk...we got them from our parents and in return we have them with our kids...well, this particular talk started to take a different turn very quickly... Khristian made the statement "I can't be who you want me to be" ... Now for those that do not know Khristian very well..he tends to be a little on the dramatic side... so my first thought was "Did my 10 year old really just say that?" .. I had to take a step back for a second and think about that one....When I finally found my voice I simply said "Khristian, that is a cop-out..." ... I explained to him that its simply not about who I want him to be...its what he is choosing to be...It is mine and his daddy's job to push him, correct him, and make sure that he lives up to what we know he is capable of...and when we correct him and give him criticism...its not because its us against him...it's us, his parents..working with him to help him...and instead of him getting his feelings hurt when we give him positive criticism he needs to take a step back...think about what we are telling him....and apply it...

Oddly enough, through out this whole entire conversation with him...the one thing that finally got through to him was this... I told him that his daddy would never lie to him...I was using this as more of a example than anything but its what finally turned the light bulb on for him...Travis is very hard on Khrisitan in sports...He does not sugar coat it for him in the least little bit..he basically tells it like it is...if Khristian does something good, Travis tells him...if he does something bad, Travis tells him...if Khristian is out there on the football field and he misses a block which results in the other team getting a first down or even a touchdown...Travis rips into him....if he recovers a fumble...Travis will be the first on the field to pick him up for a hug and tell him great job....and here is why...If he is constantly telling Khristian how good he is and never corrects him and what he is doing wrong or what he can improve on...then he is cripling Khristian in the long run...he is not helping him become the athlete or the man that Travis knows he can become...so when I put it in those terms to Khristian...and told him "Your daddy will never lie to you..he will never tell you what you want to hear...instead, he is going to tell you what you need to hear because he knows that you can be the best" ... It clicked with him...and he finally understood what it meant to take criticism...and why we do it... In Khristians words he said "So thats why Coach Saban yells at his players alot...because he knows they are capable of doing better!" ..my son is definatly sports minded..

On a closing note, I think we as adults (myself included) need to remind ourselves of this same lesson...criticism is a hard pill to swallow sometimes...but in the long run, it only allows us as humans to become better employees..mothers...wives...family members...friends...and overall better as a whole... =)

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"Positive signs..."

“Life is full of beauty... Notice it... Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces... Smell the rain, and feel the wind... Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams....take note of all the postive signs..."



At a very early age we were taught the "+" sign...in elementary school it was used to teach us 2+2=4...when we started to enter adolescence and noticed boy's had more than just cooties we used the little plus sign to show our affection.."Jessica + Travis = Forever"....(Come on...all you girls out there know you did it)...over time that simple little plus sign loses significance...although, I remember vividly a time when that sign alone instilled such an intense fear in me that I thought I would never be ok again ...it changed my life... 10 years later that sign again will change my life...but this time there is not one single bit of fear in my body...

The weekend of November 11th..Veterans Day weekend...Travis and I and a couple of our friends had made plans to take our children to the National Peanut Festival so they could have fun...and it would give us adults time to catch up and some fun to...Half way to Dothan Khristian started complaining about his stomach hurting...I thought maybe it was the greasy chicken nuggets he ate from McDonalds before we left Troy..I asked if he wanted to go home and he replied with "No...I am sure it will go away once we get there!"... So we continued on...Finally we got there, parked, walked to the main entrance where stood in line to buy tickets to get in...$21.00 later we entered the main gate...where we proceeded to buy a $20.00 wrist band for Khristian to ride all the rides as many times as he wants...thats where things start to go southward....right after we purchase the wrist band and meet up with our friends, Khristian begins to puke all over the place...All I could think was "Geez, couldnt he have thrown up before we shelled out 40 bucks to get in this thing!"...I take him the bathroom..get him cleaned up...and ask how he feels...He told me his stomach didn't hurt anymore and that maybe the chicken nuggets just didn't settle right on his stomach...In the end, he got to ride 2 rides and do the mirror house...before he puked again..at which point I pulled the plug and we started the hour and half ride back to Troy...with Khristian in the backseat holding a plastic bin to catch his projectile vomit in....and $60.00 poorer...

Saturday Morning, I woke up holding my stomach feeling and couldnt even brush my teeth without gagging...I thought "Great, I now have Khristian's stomach bug" ... I spent most of the day in bed making Travis take care of me...by the end of the night, I started to feel somewhat normal again...only to wake up Sunday morning gagging when I brush my teeth...gagging when I drink water to take my vitamins..gagging when I try to eat my oatmeal for breakfast...and it never stopped...this went on all day long...

I had a box of pregnancy tests in my bathroom cabinet....I grabbed one...went into the bathroom and waited anxiously for 2 minutes...just like the box said to...I admit I wanted to peek but I held stronge...180 seconds later I picked it up...and looked at it...there it was.... "+" ...my heart jumped, my eyes started watering, and I literally wanted to scream with joy... I usually have no problem describing exactly what I feel but...there are no words that can come close to describing what my heart felt at that exact moment...

I walked into my bedroom..hide the pregnancy text under a book on my bed..and called Travis into the room...we both sat on the bed...where I moved the book...It took him a minute for it sink in what he was looking at...and his head popped up with a look in his eyes I have never seen...He said "Really?!" ... I replied with "Yes, Really!"... The next words out of his mouth were "I hope it's a girl!" ... we talked excitedly for a few more minutes until we both fell silent...one heart beat of a moment later our eyes locked and he said "Were going to have a baby..." ... all I could do is shake my head yes....I couldn't speak because of the lump that had formed in my throat...The look in his eyes said a million words to me...in that moment, I understood....I understood what everyone had been trying to tell me for 10 years....that this time was different...I understood what it felt like to have my husband by my side to share this with...not to feel so alone...I understood how it felt not to have that icy stab of fear that had almost broke me so many years ago...I understood what it felt like to share this moment with my best friend..know that he will hold my hand.. and we will do this together...

10 years ago...I sat in a cold, lonely bathroom when that positive sign popped up....I felt so ashamed...I felt that I needed to hide myself from the world..10 years later, I sat in the bathroom of my own home with my husband sitting in the other room when that postive sign popped up...and this time everything is different...I have the support of my husband...my family...my friends...(I write this with a smile) and I want to stand on the highest mountain top and scream at the top of my lungs...."I'M PREGNANT!!!"

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