Monday, August 23, 2010
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3 : Verses 5-6
When your lost, I mean really lost in every sense of the word, and your stumbling around in your life trying to make sense of everything, all the while, your life…everything around you… seems like its crumbling into tiny little pieces around you. You collapse in the middle of it and start grasping at the shards one at a time…examining, scrutinizing each piece…your life… and wondering where did it all go wrong? How did it get to this…How did I get to this? Each piece holds a different story, a different time, a different piece of you…..You pick them up to try and fit everything back together , to find a time when everything made sense, to find a tiny piece of comfort, but all you feels is hopelessness. You can’t figure it out…you can’t wade through the sea of desperation and confusion…sadness… the feeling of being absolutely alone. You are searching for anything to make the pain go away, because it hurts so much that you can’t breathe and all you want to do is simply disappear…..
As I was being discharged from the hospital to take Khristian home it should have been a happy day, a joyous day…. I cried all the way home…to my new home…away from the place I had always called “my home” I cried till there was no more tears to cry…and then cried some more. I cried until the soft skin under my eyes were red, raw, and puffy. I wanted to cry until all the pain was gone...till there was nothing left of me and I was just a puddle of tears on the ground.
As we rounded the curve on Highway 29 towards the straight away to our new home, I wanted to jump out of the van and run as hard as I could in the opposite direction. I wanted to run to the place that I had always found comfort…sadly that one place…was no longer my safe place. So I just sat there instead…fresh tears forming behind my eyelids…
I wasn’t sure what to expect when I stepped through the door, I didn’t know whether I was going to feel like a visitor or like I belonged there. You see, I had visited on weekends but on Sundays I knew that I was returning “Home”. The place that when I closed my eyes memories played in my mind like a slideshow.
I would love to tell you from that point on that it was one big fairy tale and that everything magically worked itself out. Truth is, things got worse before they got better…they always do. Isn’t that funny, you think that things can't get any worse than they already have and then God is there to prove you wrong...they can and they will.
Without going into too many details I am going to be honest and say that I wasn’t the best mom that I could have been to Khristian in those first 6 months. It was tough, it was hard, it was emotional, and to me more than anything, it hurt me to look at him. Not that I didn’t love him...I did….you can love someone and still not fully accept the situation that you are in. You are in denial because you don't want it to be real. With denial comes anger, and with anger comes sadness, and with sadness comes depression...
Funny thing about depression, he sneaks up on you. You don’t know he’s there until sometimes it’s too late. It’s like he’s packed his bag and has made a permanent home inside your head, he makes your heart heavy, he makes it hard to breathe….he makes it hard to live. He doesn’t want you to live, smile, or value anything in your life because he doesn’t feed off those things…He feeds off sadness, bitterness, and hurt. When you feel these things, depression gets bigger and more dangerous. At that point, you have just given depression control over your life.
The tears continued for months on end, depression had settled and made his home, and I couldn’t find my way out. I can’t remember exactly how old Khristian was at this point..maybe 6 or 7 months...but I came home from a overnight drinking binge with one of my friends and I knew…I just knew..I couldn’t go on like this anymore. I was suffering, my family was suffering, and more importantly..my son was suffering. I entered my room to find a bible sitting on my bed, which by the way was not what I wanted to find nor see. It made me angry for some reason..I had never thought that I was angry at God but at that point I wasn’t thinking clearly so I picked up the Bible and threw it as hard as I could across the room. It slammed into my closet door, bounced across the room a couple times and finally landed…open.
As I plopped on my bed and covered my face with my pillow getting ready to scream at the top of my lungs, something pulled my eyes back to the bible. I’m sure I stared at it for a good 5 maybe 10 minutes before something made me pick my body up and walk over to the open book. Something said “Read”. I sat and read…. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”
That verse changed me…right there on that floor I begged for God to take the pain away, for him to guide me and show me what all this meant, to help me understand, and to forgive me. This time when I cryed I wasn’t feeding depression…I was letting him go. Something inside me broke and I gave it all to him. Most people call it praying but I sat there and taked to God like he was my friend and I found comfort in this. The more I talked the better I felt. At which point, I needed to hold Khristian. When I say "needed" I mean I was desperate to hold him. I needed him. I picked him up, my baby boy and I held him...I held him for hours, I kissed him, and I asked him for forgiveness over and over. I promised him that I would be a better mother, and I vowed to never again let another moment pass that I wasn’t thankful to be his mother.
I knew that I may not understand what all this meant…but God did. He had a purpose for me and he had a purpose for Khristian. I have no doubt in my mind that it was his voice I was hearing in my head that day. He was there all along...he was just waiting for the perfect time… the time that he knew I needed him the most. When I was at my lowest point, and I couldn’t go any lower than what I was….he was there saying I love and accept you all you have to do is accept and love me back.
“God is good all the time, All the time God is good”