"Rene's Promise..."

"I touched the scar on my left forearm, just below the elbow. I had the tattoo surgically removed. There were so many people who didn't know and so many questions: "What do those numbers mean?"... "Is that your address?" ... "Is that your phone number?"...What was I supposed to say "That was my name for three years and fourty-one days" ?...

I love to read...a lot...when I was younger my mother used to take me to the local Goodwill or Salvation Army and I would stock up on about 20 or 30 books at a time...reading one after another...It wasn't soon after that I picked up a pencil for the first time to discover my love of writing...I have always loved getting lost in the words of the book...the story...the characters....I often times feel a sense of sadness when a really good books ends...but love happy endings...and no matter how good or bad your life may seem at times it is always a relief to jump into a alternate made up world for just a short time...in my short lifetime of reading, I have read many books that I have been so intriqued with that I felt like I just couldnt put it down...all you book nerds out there know exactly what I am talking about...you tell yourself just one more page...well, one more page turns into 5 pages...which in return turns into a whole chapter...and then 2 chapters...and before you know it, it is 2 in the morning and you have to be up in 4 hours to begin your day...

Very rarely do I come across a book that I feel that I need to tell people about...much less in my blog...but I have just finished a book called "Rena's Promise: Two sisters in Auschwitz" ... I have been so touched by this book that I am compelled to write about it in the hopes that you..my readers....will want to pick this book up and read about one woman's incredible journey of survival in one of the most hellish of places... but more so than that...of how the Germans stripped her of her dentity and in it's place was given a number...but she never lost what was in her heart...I have always been a lover of all things history...particularly anything from the 1920's to 1940's era, WWII and the Holocaust...so when my kindle recommended this book I instantly hit the "Buy" button...it also didn't hurt that it was on sale for $1.99...

I was instantly introduced to Rena Kornreich...she was on the very first transport into the most brutal of death camps..Auschwitz...the book recounts her 3 years and 41 days in the camp until the day of her realease... May 2nd, 1945...It recounted day after day...the brutality...the harsh conditions..I expected all this as I have read many Holocaust books before...what I did not expect to find was a book that showed so much about human kindness and compassion...

As Rena first entered into Auschwitz...I am struck by how nieve her and the other women on the transport are...they had no idea as to what they were headed to...Rena was engaged at the time to be married...in her mind she fully thought that she would turn herself in...work out a possible 6 month to a year sentence...and then be released so that she could continue on with her life...she thought she would see her parents again..her family...marry and have children...

"How are we going to find our suitcases later?" I figure I'm a human being, I have a right to ask. "Get in line and shut up!" he yells in my face, pointing his gun at me. The hair on my skin bristles. He doesn't see that I am human...." - (This was as Rena was getting off the train in Auschwitz)


Only about 6 months into her stay there did she realize...she would most likely die there...that no one that was ever brought into Auschwitz was meant to leave...her younger sister Danka soon arrives on a later transport where Rena grabs her up and vows to protect her at all costs...she had also made that same vow to her mother...and she was going to keep it..even if it killed her...

"Mama, I brought you the baby back. I repeat it over and over in my head. It is the refrain to the song that keeps me strong and healthy and spirited: Mama, I brought you the baby back. My one great feat in life, my fate, is to survive this thing and return triumphant with my sister to our parents' house. My dream cannot be marred by German whips or chains or rules. I will succeed because I have no other choice. Failure does not even occur to me, We may die in the interim-death cannot be avoided here-but even that will not dissuade me from my sole purpose in life. Nothing else matters but these four things: be with Danka, be invisible, be alert, be numb..."

As I continued reading...there is one other thing that really stuck out to me...the willingness of the people to help one another...after starvation...beatings...and near death...the people in the camp took care of one another...had compassion for each other...In one part of the book, Rene found a tiny sliver of potato on the ground...instead of hoarding it for herself...she split the small portion of potato in half between herself and her sister...in a time when most would have been selfish...she cared more for her sister than her own self...men flirted with death and being beat just to steal a half of a sausage..then risk their own life to somehow sneak it to Rena and her fellow workers...in our world, these are only tiny acts of kindness...but in Rena's, these acts of kindness was the difference between life or death...

I cannot help but to think that our world  in this day and age lacks that kind of compassion for one another...I realize that we do not have to endure the harshness of what these people had to endure..but in the same retrospect...I wonder if our generation had to undergo something of the same magnitude...would we as individuals do that same for our fellow women or man? Would we risk getting 25 lashes on our back just to stiffle a small piece of sausage to a complete stranger? Would we risk getting such a severe beating that we are almost blinded in one eye just to steal 1 potato to feed our sister or brother? Would we risk being sent to the gas chamber just to send a tiny barely there written note with our name and where we are from to another complete stranger...just so someone would know we were there? At a time when most people would go into self survival mode...and our human nature of selfishness would show...these people had so much compassion for one another....As I read this book...I asked myself these questions...and as good of a person as I try to be...I honestly dont know the answers...I would like to say that I would...but you never know until you are put into these type of situations...and chances are...we will never have to make these type of decisions...but what if we did...would you be able to do these kinds of things for a complete stranger...a friend...your sister...

I have no doubt in my mind after reading this book that human compassion is the only reason Rena and Danka survived Auschwitz...that and her complete resolve to protect her sister and bring her home...I would highly encourage each and every person to read this book...I believe that we all need to be reminded of how kindness and love are still prevalant in the world...even in the most brutal of conditions...


                  

                                                             (Rene & Danka)

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"Pass Me Not, O Gentle Savior..."

"Then the singing enveloped me... It was furry and resonant, coming from everyone's very heart... There was no sense of performance or judgment, only that the words of the song was breath and food to my heart....”

I have been sitting on this post for a little over a week...it's something that I have been thinking and thinking on..wondering if I should post it...but everytime I start to write something new my mind always travels back to this...
 
While sitting in church a couple Sunday's ago, my preacher said something that has stuck with me...it made the wheels in my little mind start turning and thinking....and analyzing....which I am already so good at doing...I can't remember his exact words but he stated that many churches these days have so many comforts...nice cushioney seats...grand pianos...organs...fancy contraptions that place the words of songs on the wall in front of you...and while there is absolutly nothing wrong with these things...they are unnessesary...He spoke about when he was a young boy..how the pews were made of solid wood..so much so that when you stood up to sing... your Sunday best usually got snagged on a piece of lose wood on the edge...of how there was no piano player..no organs...just the congregation's voices singing as one...
 
This reminds me so much of where I attend church..we are a true and true country church if you have ever seen one...around our area of the country we are most often called "The Cowboy Church"...on a average Sunday you will find around 20 or so people there..and if you come on a really good Sunday...attendance will get to around 50...you will not find men sitting in suits and ties...but men sitting in Wrangler jeans, a button up shirt or polo...and most times, a pair of cowboy boots...I have seen our piano player walk to the piano in a pair of fashionable yellowbox flipflops...and when we don't have a piano player present...well, the men of the church pick up their guitars and we sing...sitting behind the piano you will not see a beautful array of flowers...but a pair of lonesome cowboy boots...not because someone forgot them there...but because they belonged to a very highly respected man of our church that has passed on...he was a true representation of what our church is...a cowboy church...

A member of our church who is a very close personal friend of mine and also our piano player recently had a very difficult and extensive back surgery..and has been out for quite some time due to trying to recover...she is also part of a Gospel group in our church called "Upward Bound"...this surgery has been very hard for her to recover and bounce back from...because of this it has left our church without a piano player...and most Sundays the men of the church have been able to accomodate music for us with their guitars...but on this particular Sunday we had no piano player..not one single guitar...and nothing to play music for us to sing to...instead of letting this stop us... we sang  accapella...and to be honest, I think I got more out of singing that day than I get most Sundays...and here is why...I had no music to distract me from the words I was singing...no rythms to clap my hands to...no melody to sway to...no great guitar solo that needed to be clapped for...absolutly no distraction..it was just my voice along with 20 other people's singing as one to God...the way it was meant to be...

I can't help but to wonder...when did our churches become filled with so many distractions that we forget where our focus should be...cushioned pews, grand pianos, fancy song books, organs...and I could go on with the list..these things are great...but they are simply comforts that most churches offer...Ask yourself this question and answer it honestly...What would happen if we had to attend church back in the days of my grandparents or even my great-grandparents with no air conditioning, no nice pews, and the church was basically just a building of 4 walls that held no paint...I am quite certain that over half of us would choose to stay home...I am speaking for myself as well...I am just as spoiled by the comforts of our world as the next person so please do not think I am passing any kind of judgement on anyone...I realized that on the Sunday as I sang with no music... we as a church had to sing accappela...I remember thinking "Well, if we don't have anything to make music..how are we going to sing"...never passing my mind that we could just sing without music...Then I thought... when we pray...we are praying to God...when we sing...we are singing to God..so what does it matter whether there is nice music to accompany it....when we sit on the pews...we are sitting there to learn about God...so what does it matter is they are cushioned or not...I just love it when God sends me little reminders and brings me back down to reality and humbles me...

I can say this about so many aspects of our life...As a society we are so spoiled...which may be one of the reasons why our world is the way it is...we let so many distractions into our life that we often times lose focus of what is really important...I let myself get so distracted in church with the music that I forgot the most important thing...the words we are singing...our voices are music in Gods ears...

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"I love you...We will help you through this.."

“The best fantasy is written in the language of dreams. It is alive as dreams are alive, more real than real ... for a moment at least ... that long magic moment before we wake..."

As I sat at the Doctor's office yesterday getting my 5 month check up...I noticed a young teenage girl sitting across from me...she was visibly upset and I could only assume it had to do with the freshly printed ultrasound picture that she held in her hand....staring intently at the picture with tears in her eyes...sitting beside her was her father...I only know this because we were sitting so close that I couldnt help but to over hear bits and pieces of the conversation...she looked up from the picture long enough to tell her dad how sorry she was...as his way of a response he grabbed her hand and held it...and then slowly said "I love you"...nothing more...just those words...I almost felt like a intruder for witnessing this fragile moment between father and daughter...but it was also one of those moments that I could not turn away from....As I sat there and observed this scene I could not help but to think of myself 10 years ago..It was at that moment that my name was called to head in to see the doctor...As I gathered my things and started to walk toward the nurse...I, for whatever reason, looked over my shoulder one last time at the young girl...at that exact moment she looked up and we locked eyes for a mere second...just long enough for me to offer her a small smile of comfort...I wanted to run over to her and kneel down and talk to her...I wanted to tell her that things would eventually get better...that she wouldnt feel this way forever...to hold her head up no matter what life throws her way...to breathe...and take one step at a time...instead, I followed the nurse to the back....

While I waited for the doctor to come in to see me..which ended up being over 2 hours due to a emergency delivery she had to attend to...I couldnt get the girl and her father out of my mind...how ironic to me that here I was sitting at my 5 month appointment and I just so happened came to sit across from a young girl that so reminded me of myself from 10 years ago...it was almost like my present self was sitting across from my past self...When I finally was able to see my doctor and leave the office...I am sure the girl was long gone...but I thought about her on the long ride from Montgomery to Troy...and again as I changed clothes, put on my tennis shoes and grabbed my Ipod and set out for a long peaceful 4 mile walk outside in the beautiful spring weather...

As I walked...I let the sounds of  music carry me away into deep thought...I revisited the day my parents found out I was pregnant with Khristian...Again, no secret that I hide my pregnancy...The day before the truth finally came to light, we were at the beach and my back had began to hurt pretty badly...the next day my dad and Step-mom had decieded that it was time to come home and carry me to the Emergency room...I think at this point they had a pretty good idea that I might be pregnant...just not 8 months along...Blood was taken...a IV was administered since it was apparent I was severly dehydrated...after 3 bags of IV...Dr.Robledo entered my hospital room and sat the paperwork on the bed beside me...it was just him and I in the room and he gave me this knowing look...At the time, I remember looking into his eyes and feeling nothing but judgement...as I think back on it now ,I know it wasnt judgement in his eyes...it was a look of compassion...a look of understanding...it was the same look that I had given then young girl earlier in the day at my doctors appointment...he looked me and simply said "You know don't you? .... to which I replyed " I have no idea what your talking about..." I was still in such a place of denial that even when the truth was right there in his hands in black and white...I continued to deny it...He looked at me once more and picked up the folder with all my tests in them...and simply stated once more "You know dont you?" ... I couldnt meet his eyes...softly I replyed "Yes...I know"... oddly enough, that was the first time I had actually admitted out loud to anyone that yes...I was ,in fact, pregnant...I had gotten so good at denying and lying that the truth sounded weird coming from my lips...he said "You have to tell your parents now..." ... I shook my head and stated very matter of factly "No I don't!" ... The last thing he said to me was "You have to...sooner or later..." and left the room...

What I failed to know at the time was that my dad and step-mom were waiting outside for him and as soon as he left the room...he walked over to my parents...by law he could not tell them that I was pregnant...but he had known my parents for some time...I believe that he knew that one of my biggest fears was the disappointment of my parents and abondonment...so when they asked him "Is she pregnant?" ...Dr. Robledo looked at them...with a slight motion of his head he indicated yes...and in the same moment told them that they needed to speak with me...

As we all left the Emergency Room...my dad drove us to the Coffee Kettle that was still open in Troy at the time...I laugh as I think back on this little detail and it's simply that you would have to understand our family history with the Coffee Kettle...so many memories has happended in that little coffee shop that I can't even begin to name them off...it seems only fitting that we go there at this exact moment...I ordered 2 eggs over easy and toast...my parents...coffee as ususal...we had a little bit of small talk for around 15 minutes...I think they were trying to give me the opportunity to tell them on my own...but I had already closed myself up again...in my own state of denial...I can hear my dad's voice as clear as a bell to this day when he finally could not stand it any longer and said "I know your pregnant".... the flood gates opened and I started to cry..no, I take that back...I started sobbing....snotty nose and all...before I could say anything my dad grabbed my hand and said "I love you...we will help you through this..." He said more...lots more...but to be honest, I can't remember anything else...I just remember him grabbing my hand and holding it...tight...and saying "I love you...We will help you through this.."

Gina and I were not near as close then as we are now...that would come over time...and I had no clue then as to how big she would influence me or my life...but before I knew it she was on the phone with my aunt who is a social worker getting me a doctors appointment for the next day...my aunt in return started the applications for medicaid and any other form of assistance I would need...things were happening at a whirlwinds pace...but for me it was kind of in slow motion...I felt relieved that my parents now knew...that my secret had finally been revealed...but still the weight of what was about to happen was on my chest...the only thing that allowed me to breathe that night was the feel of my daddy's hand in mine and the look in his eyes when he said "I love you" and gave me a hug. The next day I gave birth to a handsome 8 lb 13 ounce little boy...

As I fell asleep last night..the young girl from earlier in the day and this memory were etched in my mind...I drifted off into dream land...and thats exactly what I did....dream...I don't remember every single detail from my dream as most our dreams fade away soon after we wake up...what I do remember is sitting as my present self in the booth across from past self and my parents at the Coffee Kettle...I was a mere image watching my memory play itself out...I could see my face...I could see my parents face...I could smell the food sitting on the table...and I could hear the words being spoken...but as much as I wanted to intervene and tell my past self that everything would work out..to just look at me...I couldnt...I was just a observer watching the scene unfold....finally at the end of my dream...the 17 year old version of myself turned in my direction and we locked eyes...and in the next moment we smiled at each other...and I woke up...

I have come full circle...my uncle made a comment earlier yesterday that really stuck out to me...he said "It's completly different when you plan for it and you are ready, isnt it?"...he was talking about becoming pregnant...he is more right than he will ever know...I believe the meaning of my dream is simple...my present 28 year old self has finally become at peace with my past 17 year old self.... =)

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"Hey there Sweet Sunshine..."

Hey there Sweet Sunshine...


You are not here with me yet...you are still tucked safely away in my tummy until you are ready to make your appearance...I used to write letters to your older brother when he was a tiny little baby but I have decieded I wanted to start early with you...I felt you move last night for the first time...it was the tinest of a little flutter...so small and subtle...but I knew it was you making yourself known...whats so special about that is I was the only one that could feel it...You are still so tiny that noone else can feel you move just yet...but I did...and that makes my heart smile...you make my heart smile...

I call you my Sweet Sunshine because I have a strong feeling you are going to shine so brightly in this big 'ole world...you are going to make your own way...travel your own path...and surprise your daddy and I with the the things you do and the places you will go...

I sit and wonder what you will be like...Will your hair be curly like mine or straight as a board like your daddys....Will you have my tiny little eyes or big and bold like your daddys...Will you be as stubborn and strong-willed as your brother and not be shy about it...or will you have a quiet strength about you that only comes out when needed...Will you be musically talented like your daddy or can't sing a single solitair note like me...I don't know any of these things right now...but I do know whoever you come out being...you will be you...you will be unique...there will never be anyone else like you...cherish that...we often times in this world try so hard to be someone else or rather something else that we don't ever just sit back and appreciate who we actually are...know who you are and stand tall...embrace all your strengths and faults and don't hide from them...because those are the things that will ultimately set you apart from all the rest of the world...

I have been working on a list of things that I want you to always remember on your journey through life...there will be times in your life that you will need some insight...I know that I cannot (and should not) make your life perfect... I know that eventually you will venture out into the world on your own.... You will have to face your own dragons and learn many things the hard way...I know that most of what I tell you... even the things I might whisper in the quiet dark of your room while you sleep will remain unheard for a very long time..our worlds are very far apart...separated by a generation and a lifetime of experiences...Even so, there are things I want you to always remember....I will tell you these things today... tomorrow...and the day after that...and the day after that... I will repeat them over and over until they echo so clearly in your head that you can hear me clearly saying them to you in your happiest times and times of most despair... These are the things that I believe will help you create your own happiness ...grow it in her your own heart instead of searching for it in other people and places...look within yourself to find what I already know is there...

1.I love you forever...always will...

2.There is no one else exactly like you in the whole world.... Cherish your unique self....

3.You deserve love, admiration, honesty, respect, and second chances...and don't let anyone tell you any different...

4.You have the right to use your voice...any time, any place, on any topic...but be respectful of others opinions...just because it may not match your own does not make it any less important...

5.You are beautiful...even on those days when you look in the mirror and that little voice in the back of your is telling you that your not...reapeat it to yourself...YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL...

6.Beauty is not just skin deep...it resides on the inside of you...physical beauty will fade over time...a beautiful soul lasts forever....

7.True friends make you laugh and feel good about yourself...thats not saying you will not fight...but remember the only reason you fight is because you look at each other like family...

8.Find true love...not the kind of love that you think is true love in High School...but true, unconditional love...all consuming love...the kind of love that makes you want to be a better person and brings out the absolute best in you...

9.Girls can do anything boys can do … and boys really do have cooties.. =)

10.Taking time for yourself is important... even if it's just a few minutes of listening to your favorite song...or finding you a small corner and reading a book...go for a walk...listen to your thoughts in those quite moments...

11.You can always come home...Always...no matter where the road leads you...

12.You can tell me anything....I may not always like what you are saying...but I will respect you enough to listen to you because I love you...

13.You don’t always have to follow the rules, (this applies for when you get older...alot older...)  but …

14.… always follow your heart....

15.There’s no such thing as failure.... Learn from every experience....but also learn from others expierences...

16.You are loved more than you will ever know...you have a huge family that will always be in your corner...

17.Anything is possible if you believe....sometimes you may be the only one that believes..but you just have to take a leap of faith...

18.There are few things a hot cup of coffee,  a good book, and the perfect song won’t fix....

19.Go after your passion with a vengeance, but …

20.… remember to slow down and savor the journey along the way....

21.Sometimes it’s okay to eat dessert first....

22.Don’t wait for things to be “perfect” before you do something....If I had then I wouldnt have you...

23.Keep your eye on the Big Picture... but revel in the details....those are the things you will remember along the way...

24.Trust yourself... You are smart enough, strong enough, and brave enough...

25.It’s okay if you don’t know all the answers...Sometimes it’s a better place to start from....

26.The Golden Rule is the easiest standard to live by...

27 .Travel is the best teacher...but always be safe and be smart... The world is a beautiful place with many beautiful sights and lessons... but it is not without its sharp edges and harsh realities...

28.Never compromise your beliefs or your morals... not for stature, approval, or anything else...when you have lost everthing else...you can hold your head hig for standing up for your beliefs...

29.Manners count...say Please, Thank you, and always say Yes'Mam and No'Mam to adults...

30. Learn to laugh at yourself and life will suddenly seem much easier...

31.It’s okay to be fragile sometimes... Life can be like that....but make sure you don't shatter...and if you do...surround yourself with people that will help you put the pieces back together...

32. I am always so proud of you....I may not be proud of the choices you have made..or the path you go down...but I always proud of YOU...my daughter...my sweet sunshine...

33. Always accept blame for your actions... No one else is responsible for your actions or reactions....

34. Make sure that every decition you make is one you will be proud of...You can walk away from what others think of you... but you are the one person you can’t run away from...

35. You’re never too old to enjoy silliness... Try to work some into every day, because we all need a daily giggle....

36. No one is perfect... Give genuine apologies and ask for forgiveness when needed...be humble...

37. Leave a spot for God in your life and heart...he will never forsake you...he is a loving a just God...we may not always understand what his plans for us are...but we have to believe in our faith...and put our trust in him...

38. Stand on your own two feet...but never be afraid to ask for help when needed...we all need a helping hand every once in a while...

39. Always...Always...Always...believe in yourself...



You are going to be a amazing person...and as your mother...I can't wait to meet you and watch you grow every single day into the young woman that you are meant to be...and I am proud that God choose you to complete our little family...

Love you Always... =)


.

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"Can you let me in on your plan God?"

This morning, as I sit down at my blog to write I am weighed down....I didn't come here today to tell you a wonderful story...or have some great words of wisdom that will make you ponder the meaning of life..or something like that...I simply came here to my blog today to write out my feelings...my distress...my fears....to pour them out as I have done so many times before in the hopes that it will ease the growing anxiety I have in my chest...and somehow calm me...

I have already written about my first trip to the Emergency Room because of my severe bleeding....I was 8 weeks and 2 days...where the doctor outright told us that we most likely had a miscarriage...thankfully she was wrong and everything turned out fine...It was a little less than a month later when I another similiar severe bleed...I was right at 12 weeks...which resulted in another trip to the emergency room....again, everything turned out fine...we were told both times that we went to the ER that I had what was called a "Subchorionic Hemorrage"..defined as: A pool of blood clot that resides between the membrane of the placenta (chorion) and the wall of the uterus... for more information you can go to this website:  http://hematomatreatment.com/subchorionic-hematoma/ ... We were told that these more commonly resolve themselves during the first trimester...well, I was at the end of my first trimester so we were thinking we could breathe a sigh of relief...In the meantime, when we went to my doctor she told us that she thought the bleeding was caused from the implantation process which is the stage at which the embryo adheres to the wall of the uterus...the doctor explained that it can be a pretty bloody process...so here we are, with 2 different explanations as to why I am having such extreme bleeds...

To say that my stress level was through the roof is a bit of a understatement...but I kept myself positive with the thought that both doctors said the bleeding should reslove itself by week 16...I just had to wait it out..while I thought that over the next couple weeks the bleeding would lighten up until it completly stops...that unfortunatly is not the case...Monday the 20th, I will be 18 weeks...and the bleeding has not stopped..in fact, it has gotten worse...I am going to get a little graphic on details but it is the only way to describe what I am dealing with...I have went from gushing...and yes, I literally mean gushing...blood once a week..to at least once a day...many times, more than that...it doesnt matter where I am... what I am doing...walking or sitting...it just happens...often times, drenching my underpants and back of my clothes with blood because there is in fact so much of it...I am not, by any means, trying to be dramatic...I was sitting at my dad's house last week carrying on a casual conversation with him after work when all the sudden I had to run to the bathroom...by the time I had gotten there (10 steps away)..it drenched my clothes...my tights...my legs...and the toilet looked like a murder scene...I was at home laying in the bed reading..when I felt it again...the gushing again drenched my clothes..my sheets...and went through onto our mattress...this often happens all through out the night as well..I wake up in the middle of the night because I am bleeding...I have had to start sleeping with a towel underneath my sheets to protect my mattress...I was doing a little bit of shopping at Target while talking to my brother on the phone...and I had to put my things down and get off the phone with him and run to the nearest bathroom because ,again, I was gushing blood...I was sitting here at work just this week...when again, I felt it...I had to leave work early because it went through onto my dress...this was after I got through scrubbing blood out of my work chair...this is just a few of the instances...There is not one single day in the last 3 months that I have not worn a pad..which doesnt really do much good exept to catch and absorb a little bit of the blood...this is a day in and day out routine...

Evertime we go to the doctor..the baby is fine...heartrate is fine...actually, the baby is 2 days ahead of schedule on developing...last week at a unexpected Dr. appointment she said that at this point she does not know why I am bleeding so much...she says that the baby may have implanted on a blood vessel which is causing the gushes...or that it may be "A weird unexplained pregnancy thing"...I just want a answer...a name...something to tell me what is going on with my body...I have thought about getting a second opinion..but my step-mother who has had her fair share of miscarriages and pregnancy troubles that could last anyone a lifetime...told me that even if I get a second opinion, I may not get a answer...that even with her 13 miscarriages the doctors couldnt really tell her a definate reason as to why she couldnt carry a baby...

This is a nightmare...I am in constant fear all the time...I wait impatiently for my Dr's appointments because I want to hear the heartbeat...to see it move around...to know that everything is alright...the weeks inbetween those appointments are torture..because I am so afraid that my babys heartbeat will just stop one day without me knowing...not only is this taking a toll on me emotionally...it is taking its toll on me physically...I don't sleep at night because I am so up and down...in the morning when I wake up I am drained of all my energy because of the blood loss...I have become a person I don't hardly recognize....I am irritable all the time...I often times, take it out on Travis and Khristian...and I feel absolutly horrible afterwards...Travis does what he can to help me...I don't even feel like me..feeling positive..feeling confident...feeling postive...these are things that used to be me...and its getting harder by the second to continue these things...I feel like I am prisoner to my own body and I have no clue as to whats going on...The baby is getting what it needs from me...but what happens when my health has declined and then the babys health starts to decline...I had so many hopes for what this pregnancy was going to bring...this, however, was not in the plans...just another instance where God throws us a wrench in our life that we have to overcome...I tell myself day after day that he has a plan...he is in control...and he is guiding this pregnancy....I just, for the life of me, would love to understand the purpose of this...

This is not a pity plea..this is not a plea to feel sorry for me in the least little bit...the only thing I will ask of you...my family, my friends and my readers...is for your prayers...I have seen them work before..and I pray that they work and heal whatever is going on within my body...and keep my baby safe...My family cannot carry this on our own...This may go away in the next couple weeks..it may be gone tomorrow...I dont know...but I know that he does...I just wish I could ask God to let me in on his plans so that it may set my heart and mind at ease....

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"Moments..."

This weekend like many other women who love a good love story...I jumped on the bandwagon and went to see the movie "The Vow"... It was a ok enough movie...certainly not at the calibre of "The Notebook", "Dirty Dancing" or "Pretty Women"...but it had it's moments...it made me cry at times (which is not hard to do at this particular part of my pregnancy)...it made me angry at certain times.... and then ultimatly, at the end, it made me happy because I am a sucker for happy endings...but the one thing that I took away from this movie is the theme of "Moments"...there are sudden moments in our life that stick out more so than other...some change our life forever....some are just moments in time that will forever stick out in our memory...no reason...they just do...Our life is filled with tiny little moments...and we store them in our memory so that we can think back on them from time to time...

When Khristian was a baby..he was very sick...in and out of the hospital with severe Asthma and acid reflux...his immune system was very weak due to the asthma...so we had to watch him closely...he could start coughing one hour and then the next hour we were heading to the hospital to be admitted...The Troy hospital and Childrens hospital in Birmingham knew us by name...Sometimes we would have long waits in the waiting room or in the actual room waiting to see the Dr....as most babies do, Khristian would start to get fussy... I found that the only way to get him to calm down most time is to sing "You are my Sunshine" to him... often times, I would sing it so much that the nurses outside the room could hear me and the tune would get stuck in their head... I have no idea why that song seemed to soothe him...that is a memory that will forever stick out my mind...

The other night while cooking supper..my stomach was in knots...it was making all kinds of weird sounds..doing flip flops...I was a little nausous which I haven't been in over a month...subconciously, I started humming a little tune...."You are my sunshine"...I don't know why I started doing it...instinct, maybe....but within 10 minutes my stomach had settled down...not a single sound was coming from my stomach...it finally dawned on me what had just happened...I had just had my first moment with this new little blessing...It also connected my 2 children togther...

The further along in my pregnancy that I get...I am fillled with a anticipation that I have never felt before...I have so many thoughts...when Khristian was born, I was 17..there was so much that I was unable to do with him when he was a baby...partly because I was a single teenage mother trying to make it off the little salary I made as a waitress...and partly because there was so  much I didnt know I was supposed to do...I was so overwhelmed with motherhood that I had little thoughts as to what I should do...I was learning...I am still leaning...everyday is a new lesson...and I know that this new baby will be a whole new lesson on its own...a whole new adventure....I want to put a record player in the babies room and sit there for hours listening to my grandmothers old records like I did when I was younger...I want get out in the yard and teach her/him to make things grow...I want to take more time to appreciate the younger years...I feel that the younger years just flew by so quickly with Khristian that I didn't get to enjoy things the way I should have...I never got to spend 9 months planning a baby nursery...picking out every single detail of the room to make it just perfect....I can't sit here and lie and tell you pregnancy has been so far been a great expierence..it hasnt...it feels like there is medical issue after medical issue...and I have had more ultrasounds in this last 4 months than I can count...but I would not take a single thing back...every day that this little ray of sunshine grows in my stomach I love it more and more...I can press on my lower stomach and tell where its laying...I grab Travis hand and place in on that spot and as he pushes in and feels the baby...I see that light in his eyes...and every pain...every trip to the ER...every time I throw up...is worth it in that moment....

Moments...they change our life forever...they mold us...they make us who we are...good or bad...big or small...they make us..shape us...and conform us to a better person... (=

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"I trust you..."

There are moments that I think God presents himself to you in such a unexpected way...he has a way of showing you what your heart truly desires...and in the same moment testing you to see how much faith you truly put in him..how much you trust in him...to say "Ok God...whatever your reasoning is...I trust you...as hard as it may be..I trust you.."

Right after Travis and I found out we were pregnant...we were both of course over the moon excited..couldnt wipe the smile off our face excited...really wanting to tell everyone excited..just plain excited...it was all we could talk about for the next couple days...I think it was the hardest keeping it a secret from Khristian..we both know he has such a hard time keeping that little motor mouth of his shut...Bless his heart, he really can't keep a secret..though he tries...most of time it just slips out before he realizes it...so for the time being we kept it a secret from most everyone..except our parents and a few close friends...Christmas was almost upon us and the usual stress of that time of year was closing in...finances were tight due to impending bills, presents left to buy and so on..the ususal Christmas time stress...adding on to the fact, that I was impossibly sick with morning sickness...(although seriously, It should be called ALL DAY sickness..because thats exactly what it was)...I started having some doubts...I am one to over analyze things...so when one negative though enters my mind...of course, others are to follow...

I couldnt help but to think of the financal aspect of having a baby in the house...diapers and formula..childcare...What if we had rushed into this a bit to quick...maybe we should have waited one more year...thought after thought rushed in...I tried pushing them out as fast as they could rush in...I took a deep breathe and said "Just Breathe...Just Breathe Jessica...it's going to be alright"...  Whats odd to me here that as I type this I think back to the night I took that pregnancy test...I thanked God for allowing us to have this little blessing...but as I sat there a couple weeks later worrying about trivial things...I forgot to pray to God to help ease me fears...to help ease the burden off my chest...I forgot to trust in him...Isn't it so easy how we do that...

On a Wednesday afternoon a couple weeks prior to Christmas and about a week and a half before our first Dr. appointment to "offically" confirm that in fact I was pregnant...things changes...it was a slow afternoon in the office so 2 co-workers and I decided to walk down to the book store here on campus to grab a dose of caffeine (yes I know, no caffeine...but seriously I had not drank coffee in almost 2 months because smell of it made my stomach do flip flops) to make it through the rest of the evening...I grabbed a tall mocha frap and we headed on our way back...half way back to our building here on campus I felt a small gush...You may laugh, but my first thought was "Great..along with everything else a pregnant woman has to deal with..now I have to worry about my bladder leaking all over the place".. I kept quiet but a few seconds later I felt a slightly larger gush...with something running down my legs...I picked up my pace to get back to the building...when I got to the bathroom...my heart stopped when I found a large amount of blood...in that moment, let me tell you...nothing prepares you for that sight...you know its always a possibility that something may happen in the first trimester..but nothing..and I mean nothing prepares you for that sight...I tried cleaning up but more just came...

My breathing was becoming ragid..I started to panic...I half walked..half ran back to the office..tried picking up my cell phone but my hands had begun to shake so bad I dropped my phone twice...I could no longer hold the tears in..they started flowing...I called my student workers over to my desk to ask them to dial Travis' number on my cell...then asked them to get my other co-worker in our office...Travis answered the phone..and the words almost seemed stuck...I didn't want to say them...I told him that I needed to get to the Emergency room..he immediatly kicked into action...I don't know how I managed the drive to meet him...I out my sunglasses on to avoid the crazy stars of passer byers..because by this time I was a blubbering mess...that drive to Montgomery was the longest of my life..we had the emergency blinkers on...but still..it took forever to pull into that parking lot...in that drive..so many thoughts run through your mind..every possible bad scenerio...so many "What if's"... Travis and I didn't talk much on the way...besides the occational "Are you okay"  he would ask me...I think we were both drowning in our own thoughts...to scared to speak them out loud...

By the time we reached the hospital..blood had soaked through my dress and Travis' jacket that I was sitting on to avoid it getting on the seats of my car..We got checked in pretty quick...taken back to a room...where they took our information...by this time my step-mom and dad were on there way...after telling what happened a million times to multiple nurses...the Dr. finally came in to see us...she took some notes...asked me what happened again...and gave me a slight node of her head..and pulled no punches...because of the amount of blood and the symtoms I was having she told Travis and I that she believed I had misscarried...but to be sure they would do a ultrasound and run multiple blood tests..I felt Travis squeeze my hand...the Dr. patted my leg in some kind of assurance...maybe it was sympathy..I don't know...Its funny, when you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound...when a window shatters... a table leg breaks or when a picture falls off the wall it makes a noise... but as for your heart... when that breaks it is completely silent...You would think as important as the heart is...it would make the loudest noise in the whole world or even have some distinct noise..but no...nothing...It was then that I found my praying voice...in that time of desperation..there was no doubts...there was no fear of what if Travis and I should have waited...there was no worry that we wouldnt be able to make it financially....there was only the desperate plea that I made to God..."Please God...Please allow this baby to be ok...despite all my doubts and my fears...I give this to you...I trust you...with my heart...with my family...with this baby...I trust you" ...

After several agonizing hours later...painful blood being drawn...Ultrasounds being done...the Dr. came in to reveal that we had not misscarried...we had a 8 week and 2 day old baby with a heartbeat...Travis and I both let out the biggest sigh of relief...and I smiled so hard I think it could have split my face in two...I couldnt say a full prayer...but all I could say over and over...was "Thank you God..Thank you"...

Since then we have made one other trip to the Emergency Room with the same thing... come to find out I have what's called a subcorneal hemorrhage...99 % of women will not have to deal with this during pregnancy..unfortunatly, I am in the 1% that does...I will continue to bleed until the problem fixes itself...and there is a small possibility that I will do this the entire pregnancy...It is nerve racking...I worry about every little ache or pain that I have...My worst nightmare is that I will go in for a Dr's appointment and she will not be able to find a heartbeat...I try not to let these negative thoughts in...but they somehow sneak in...

I feel as though my faith has been tested in these last few months...It is so hard to trust that God is doing what is best for you...you want so badly to take things in your own hands...to carry all of the burden...but I am learning more than ever to trust in him...to hand him over my family...my baby... and to say "Ok God...whatever your reasoning is...I trust you...as hard as it may be..I trust you.."

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