"8 Months of Denial..." (Part 2)

Before I start I would like to say that it has taken me a while to get back to this post...I have been working on this for some time now and its still now completed but this will be a continuation of the post I started called " 8 Months of Denial"...It's been pretty difficult to revisit these memories but I feel like I have healed my heart a tiny little bit...I will give you a moment to go back and refresh your memory...Click here to read part 1...http://jessiceandrewsjones.blogspot.com/2011/03/8-months-of-denial.html...




Now that your caught up..Here we go...


Denial has settled in and made his self perfectly at home inside my head...I can feel the baby moving...I can feel he or she kicking me...I can feel it all...right beneath my heart..estimating I am about 5..maybe 6 months by now...but yet, I still didn't want to believe it was real...that this growing baby inside me was real...I didn't want my life to change..Why couldn't everything just go back to normal?? I seemed to be asking myself that question over and over...funny thing is, you continue to ask a question that you have no answer to...hoping for the answer...but all it does is linger in the air around you...

Waking up every morning..going about my daily routine...going to school everyday...this was pure torture...trying to act normal...I felt so unbelieveably lost...How could I act normal..I wanted to curl up in a ball in some hole and wish this all away...I was still hiding my growing belly..walking dow the halls of my high school...among all of my peers that I had known just about my whole life..but yet...I felt that I couldn't trust not a single one of them..over 300 people and my graduating class...and I told not one single soul...not even my closest friends...I didn't want them to abandon me to...What would they think of me?? Would they take his side?? Would I get those disapproving stares?? These thoughts were so loud..I felt like my head was going to split open at any second and all my secrets would be displayed for the world to see...sitting in class trying so hard to concentrate on the math problem right in front of me..or the History test that I had to take next block...none of that seemed important anymore..I became a recluse...how desperate I was for things to go back to the way it used to be..I prayed and I begged God..I pleaded with him night after night...I made deals with him...If he would just let my life go back to normal I would go to church more...I would read my bible every day..Just please take away all the pain...alll the betrayal...all the confusion...take it all...

I barely made it through those last few months of high school...I cryed every single night..I pure sobbed till my eyes were so swollen that it looked like I had been punched in both eyes..barely slept..barely ate...at this point, I was barely functioning..I was keeping up a double life and it was exhausting..I just couldn't let anyone know what was really going on inside of me..inside my head...inside my heart...on the outside, I was what appeared to be a normal teenager that had minimal worries..but on the inside I was a utter mess...a prisoner in my own body...I cringed every time I had to speak to someone...every time I had to wake up knowing that this was now my reality..not just some nightmare that I was going to wake up from...I hadn't talked to my ex since we had our talk...I had picked up the phone on more than one occation to call him...but after listening to the dial tone for so long that the recording comes on that says "If you would like to make a call please hang up and try again"... I always layed the recieve back in the cradle without ever having pressed one number...On one specific day I remember walking across campus next to the 600 hall..I crossed paths with my Ex...with his new girlfriend...in "our" spot...my stomach twisted in ways that I never thought was possible..It literally felt like someone had grabbed the sharpest knife possible and rammed it into me...I sprinted behind the football field and proceeded throw up everything that I had possibly eaten in days...which wasn't much..and then continued to dry heaved for what seemed like hours..my eyes burned with tears..but they wouldn't fall...not a single one...I didn't understand why...I had cryed for months on end..so why not now? I cleaned myself up as best I could...and quickly walked to my next class... It was at this point that the anger started...with every step I took I felt it grow...the depression  and denial was still there..but anger saddled up right next to them..and they made a unbreakable threesome...


I became angry at the fact that his life seemingly hadn't changed a bit..he still got to laugh...walk around without a care in the world...that's the way I saw it...I was angry that he got to hurt me and then continue to live his life..and all the while..I felt like mine was crashing at my feet...My thoughts turned angry..I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs...."Why?? Why did he get to go on like nothing happened?? Someone tell me how this is right?? Please...just please..I am begging you...tell me..explain it to me...because I don't understand"...He told me forever...he said those words...forever....but he didn't mean it...he promised we would have our fairy tale..Promised...but he was no knight and I was no princess...he broke that promise...and every promise he ever made...

I am not saying that I was faultless in this whole situation..and there are plenty of things that I could have done differently...but he got to run..he made his choice...and he seemed perfectly happy and content with it...


Anger....

Oh yes...Anger can be dangerous...He is just as bad as depression...while depression makes you heavy and fills your thoughts with hopelessness...anger gives you drive...but that drive comes from a dark place within yourself that you never knew existed..it can consume your every thought...your every move...it gives you something to focus all your negative energy into and direct it at everyone around you...It will devour you if you let it...I was becoming someone I didn't like...I felt betrayed on the highest level possible...I wanted the people around me to hurt as bad as I did..so now I had become a quiet..bitter..angry..depressed...and very lost girl...


Graduation came and went...I walked across the stage...received that piece of paper that says I completed 12 years of my life...that one chapter in my life was closing and another was beginning..this was supposed to be a exciting time in my life..I had dreamed about this moment...but all I could think of was I am one day closer to having a baby...My family was all there...I thought now is the time..I can tell everyone and get it over with...I was standing there in my cap and gown...when my sister came over and handed me my newborn baby niece to hold...I held her and patted her back..I stared at her for a moment...and I remember thinking..I can do this...I will do this...deep breath..heart pounding...Here it comes...I opened my mouth to say the words I feared most...but then my dad wrapped me in a hug and said how proud he was of me...that sweet embrace broke me...then my mom...then my brothers..then my sister...and I just couldn't...I couldn't say the words...they felt like poison in my mouth...I couldn't break my parents hearts... They were both proud of me...how could I make them proud and then disappoint them all in one day?? My mouth closed without a word..the chance gone...I honestly think that is one of the things I feared most...disappointing my parents...disappointing the people around me that believed in me...they had such high hopes for me...so did I..My first semester of college was already paid for by my step-dad's construction company...Everything was planned out for me... I was not only disappointing them..I was disappointing myself...I felt that I had let this happen...I knew better... it was my fault..silence once again wrapped it's fingers around my vocal cords and wouldn't let go...


Day after day passed..month after month...I was in a fog..I was simply existing...then one day that I remember quite vividly came...

You see, I had told so many lies by this time to keep my secret buried..that I lost track and they were now catching up to me...Lies are a tricky thing...once you start telling them...they can't stop..you have to tell another lie to cover up your original lie..and so on...until you have wove a web of deceit...the web gets sticky...you get all tangled in them...you get confused by your own lies...you spin around and around in circles trying to find the beginning and the end but then... you fall flat on your face and the whole thing falls down around you...that's exactly what happened with me...It was getting harder to remember what lie I had told to what person..It literally felt like I was drowning...I was drowning in my thoughts..the lies...the deceit..the anger...the depression...the denial..It was all sucking the life right out of my body...I didn't know how much more I could take...


It was summer and I was at my dad's because I could not stand the thought of staying in Ozark any longer than I had to...I wanted to get as far away from that dreadful place as I could...after all, that is where "he" was...my mother caught on to one of my many lies and called my dad and step-mom..she suspected I was pregnant...At last...Here was my chance...I could tell the truth..I could finally be set free of this secret that was killing me...I can't tell you why I denied it when I was asked...but I did...I wanted to tell ..but yet...If I said it out loud then that meant it was real...I didn't want it to be real...She asked my step-mom to buy and make me take a pregnancy test...to stand outside the door and make sure that I took it..so as to avoid another one of my lies....I had to think fast...I was given a cup and told to go in the bathroom...I put the little stick in the cup and scooped up some of the water from the toilet and preceded to go to the bathroom thinking I was missing the cup..on purpose mind you...but somehow some leaked into the cup and when we pulled the stick out..there was that little plus sign again..that plus sign that seemed to be laughing at me as if to say.."You thought I went away, didn't you?" ..I felt that icy stab of fear in the pit of my stomach..it traveled up my spine into to my chest...my breathing became rapid...my chest tightened up...I couldn't breathe..anxiety was closing in on me...all I could do was deny..deny deny deny... "It's a bad test"...the tears once again burned my eyes but I held them back...She said "Ok..calm down..we will get another one..." but I could see the seeds of doubt in her eyes...this time I was more careful...I put the little stick in the cup...and 2 minutes later..out came a negative...another lie...the web was somewhat still intact...


I know what your thinking..."Why didn't she just tell someone?"...She had the chance...the opportunity was right there...all she had to do was take the pregnancy test and let the truth come out...and I would have to tell you that you are exactly  right...that's all I had to do...but things are not always so black and white...I was young...and I was very, very naive...When your faced with the truth..sometimes you tend to back away from it..as if it will burn you...because when you actually face it then you have to accept that it's real...you would rather live in your fantasy world than to deal with whats in front of you..so you continue to live in denial...which is what I did...for 8 months...eight long months...


It is now June of 2001...unknowingly I am at about 8 months pregnant....only gained a total of 15 pounds..still wearing a size 7 in shorts...a small baby bump had formed...not  big but it is noticeable...Im wearing over sized clothes...I won't let anyone touch me...wouldn't even allow anyone to hug me...I wanted to keep everyone as far away from me as possible...I learned to put my hands in the bottom of my shirt and pull it out so that my stomach wouldn't show...I had become someone that I didn't even recognize in the mirror...the transformation was astounding...Yes the nose was the same...the cheeks were the same..the smile was the same...the eyes were the same...but if you looked deep..I mean really deep into my eyes...I was broken on the inside...




To be continued...