"Self Deception.."

"Some people are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much, but you have to crawl into your wounds to discover where your fears are, once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin..."

Self deception...Let's look at this word for a minute...

Self-deception, in short, is a way we justify false beliefs to ourselves...in other words, we try and convince ourselves of false truths..whether it be a coping method or a way to protect yourself from certain aspects of life...Truth is, we can only fool ourselves for so long...it gets tiresome trying to convince yourself over and over of something that you know deep down..in the depths of your inner soul..is not true...

We all do this..we have all told ourselves little white lies..."I didnt really want that dress..it would never have looked right on me"..."I am better off without them in my life"... "I am fine..that didnt hurt at all"..or in my case... " I don't want another baby..."

Yes...you heard that right...here is my truth..I want a baby...


When I had Khristian, I was a baby myself...my life was  chaotic... I was     scared..lonely..depressed...everything that you can imagine a young teenage mother to be...In hindsight, I associated all these feelings with having a baby and I knew that I never wanted to feel that way again...I was afraid of being abandoned..its kind of like when you go eat at a restaurant that you have really been looking forward to and then you have a horrible expierence...in return, you vow to never go back...Somewhere in my subcontious, I associated having a baby with everything bad that I felt..I associated it with all the negative emotions I was feeling...and I told myself that I would never allow myself to feel that way again...

When I met and married Travis, I knew he wasn't the leaving kind..I felt it...even so, there was a tiny seed of doubt in the the very back of my mind..that maybe..just maybe..he would...After all, I was wrong the last time I thought someone wouldnt leave me..these thought surfaced time and time again..it was almost like Travis had to prove to me he wouldnt just pack up and go...I never once told him this...I never once accused him of this...it was just there in the back of my mind..a fear..a intense fear that I didnt ever want to have to deal with again...I knew he wanted a baby...I just couldnt convince myself to let my guard down long enough to even consider the thought...I would start feeling anxious any time we started to talk about having a baby..he never pushed me..never got angry..always patient and knew exactly when to back off..he understood without me even having to tell him...I believe that he knew I would come around in my own time..he just had to wait until that time presented itself...

I feel that my life has settled down...I have settled down..I have grown so much in this last year that I can actually start talking about having a baby without that anxious feeling...and now that I have opened myself up to this idea..I realize..I want a baby...I want to know what it feels like to tell my husband we are having a baby..I want to expierence the joy of going to every doctors appointment and having my husband right by my side..him being just as excited as me..I want to be able to stand on top of a moutain and shout to the whole world that I am pregnant and not feel ashamed..feeling like I have to hide it...I want to smile when I think of being pregnant..I want to hear the heartbeat..to see the ultrasound...to prepare a babys room and have 9 months to prepare for arrival of a little ball of joy that will be the perfect combination of me and Travis...I even look forward to the late night feedings and endless nights of no sleep...because I know that as soon as that little boy or girl smiles at me...It will all be worth it...

God answers our prayers in his own timing..this has been a long time prayer of mine..for me to find that healing and peace within...It didnt happen quickly...this has been a long process for me...It has taken me almost 10 years to get to this point in my life..

I am not scared anymore...I don't have that nagging fear in the back of my mind tugging at me...dragging me down...I am healing..I am moving on..I am tired of decieving myself and telling myself false truths...I feel more at peace with who I am and who I have become...I am ready...I am more than ready...I want a baby... :)

(And Please...no "I told you so" comments...It took alot for me to write about this...)