" Looking back..."

"But it's a low low road...You've gotta roll down...Before you find your way, my friend...And it's a high, high hill ...You've gotta climb up....Before you get to the top again..."


The above quote is from a song by Grace Potter & the Nocturnals...this song speaks loud and clear to me...I love music...It's a part of me...it's in my soul...my heart...there is a song for every emotion out there..Often times its comforting to know that somewhere in this overwhelming world..there is someone that shares these emotions....and sometimes when you can't speak the words yourself...someone else can sing them for you...

Everyone has lost their way at one point or another in this life..you have rolled down that hill...feeling as though you don't have a friend in the world... that you are truly at your lowest point..."How could it get any worse? How did this happen?"and the ever present question "Why?"... you revel in your despair.. the heavy weight of sadness...maybe even betrayal...you wonder around aimlessly..blindly...you have lost all sense of direction..you doubt your judgement..doubt everything within yourself...

At this point you have two choices...get up and start the long climb back up that hill..or lay there on the cold, hard ground and slowly let yourself disappear...There have been times in my life that this was me...I was laying on that ground...trying to find my way again...I had no direction..lost...and I felt completly alone...and just when I thought I couldnt go on... an old friend that I left by the waste side a long time ago and my family came and took me by the hand and said "Let's walk this hill together..I won't let you fall again.."

My birthday was this past Saturday and it was kinda special for me...you see, the last birthday party I had was when I came home from the hospital with Khristian..I turned 18...I walked in the door and there was my family...with balloons...and sign that was colored and said "Happy 18th Birthday Jessica" (I still have this tucked away)...and a chocolate cake (even then I loved chocolate)..I made my wish and blew out the candles with my new born son laying awkwardly in my arms...my wish was simple... to just disappear...I held it together long enough to eat cake..socialize... and thank everyone for coming...and then went into my room..shut the door and cryed till my eyes were raw...

This past friday night...my parents threw me a little birthday party when I got off work..I turned 28...there was no sign..no balloons...but there was my daddy and stepmom...my son and my husband...(and a gigantic steak and a 5 layer cake that my daddy worked on for a week) and this year as they sang happy birthday to me and I blew out the candles...I had no wish...because I told God that nothing in the world could possibly be better than this...I did cry on the way home..but it was tears of gratitude and just a overall feeling of love...

As I think back over the last 10 years of my life...I am astounded at how far I have traveled...I have come from being a 17 year old single mother of a new born baby boy with no direction in her life...to being a successful mother of a healthy and extremly active 10 year old boy and I married my best friend 6 years ago...I have lost and found new friends along the way...but more importantly...I found my happiness...and I learned that God's grace abounds....I have encountered many trials..but nothing that I havent overcome..I can't talk about my journey without talking about my family..There have been so many times that I have felt like throwing in the towel and just saying "To heck with it"...wondering what I was doing...and whether it be my daddy..my step-mom...my younger brother...or most recently...my uncle....they have pushed and guided me..giving me the courage to accomplish each one of my goals..The lessons I have learned are priceless...are so are my family...

10 years...a decade...It has been a tough road...a long road...and the journey is not over...there is far more to come as I continue to climb the hill of life...

Oh..and in case your wondering who the old friend was that grabbed my hand at the bottom of that hill...It was my good friend Jesus...and he has never left my side or let me fall since... :)