"WIll you remember.."

"Preserve your memories... keep them well.. what you forget you can never retell..."


Will you remember..sweet boy...when you were a baby and you would curl your little toes up and the only one that would be sticking up is your big toe..or that you would curl your little lip up and smile a crooked lil smile when you would sleep...and sometimes in the quiet of the night as you and I cuddled...you would open your eyes and look at me...as if memorizing my face...and I would look at you..memorizing your face...and then we would fall back asleep...

Will you remember..sweet boy...how as you got a little older and started walking..that your favorite hiding place used to be in trash cabinet...and how you loved the sound of a duck..and you were never a rocker...but more of a bouncer..of how tired my arms got at night from bouncing you but I did it because I loved you so...

Will you remember..sweet boy...how you would carry around a screw driver...not just any ole' screw driver...but a certain one that we could only get from Toy's R Us...and how one night when you were absolutly inconsolable..your Maw-Maw drove all the way to Montgomery just to buy you this screw driver..and when you got it in your sweet little palms..you drifted off to sleep without so much a wimper...and then several months later when you realized that it wasnt like pawpaw's..you didnt want it anymore..you wanted to carry around a real one...just like him...

Will you remember..sweet boy...how you used to climb into your toy box and find every last matchbox car there was...and then you would line them all up..front to back...and make you a trail of cars that ran length of the house...and when we would pass a big truck in the car..you would get all excited saying "Big Truck momma..big truck!"

Will your remember..sweet boy...how when you were at daycare and you thought Superman was the best super hero of all time...that you climbed to the top of the slide and jumped off thinking in your little mind that magic was real and you would fly just like Superman...which ended up with us at the ER..and a cast on your arm the very next day...

Will you remember..sweet boy...how much you loved the movie "Ice Age"...how we had to watch it over and over..as soon as the movie would end..you were saying "Rewind Mommy...I wanna watch it again"...I knew exactly what parts made you giggle..I knew exactly what parts made you cry...and when that tape got so worn out from watching it so much...we went and bought a second one...which we still have...

Will you remember..sweet boy...how as you started getting once again older...that your own little personality started to take off..and you are more like me than I could have ever imagined...how you always have to have the last word...how as much as you try and hide it sometimes...your tender hearted just like me and you can't stand to see someone you love crying...

Will you remember..sweet boy..how sometimes when you would have a bad dream..I would climb into your bed and rub your back for you until you drifted back to sleep...that amongst all the little nicknames I have for you that "Sweet boy" has always been my favorite....My special little name for you...and when someone else called you that you would tell them "Thats my mommy's name for me..."

Will you remember..sweet boy...how at night time I get the first kiss and hug goodnight before daddy...its our special ritual...and how on the first day of school of every year...your daddy and I would take you to eat breakfast at the place of your choosing...or how on every birthday..you get breakfast in bed on our special birthday plate...

Will you remember..sweet boy..that at Christmas time I always read "The night before Christmas" to you...and then we tell the story of Jesus...


As times moves along faster than I want it to...I wonder if you will remember these things...but most of all I wonder if you will remember how much I love you...how much you have made my life worth living...and I wonder...when all is said and done in this life...if you will think back..and think I was the best mother I could be..I wonder if you will know..that I would move any mountain just to see your smile and wipe any tear away from your face...

I think what scares me the most...is that as I get older...and gray starts to take over my hair...wrinkles start to invade my face...and the number of my age starts to creep higher and higher...my memory is not as sharp as it used to be...and old age starts to rob me...

Will I remember these things Sweet boy...

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"We must never let our fear's control us..."

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt... Release the fear... Refuse to entertain your old pain... The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life... What is it you would let go of today?"

Fear..that is a very powerful word...or rather we, ourselves, give that word power...We all have fears...fear of the unknown..fear of the fall...fear of change...fear of taking a risk...

Sometimes our own imagination fuels our fear...and almost paralizes us to the point of passing up a perfectly great opportunity...or from making a much needed change in our life because we are creatures of habit...I for one am...Don't get me wrong..I love change..like...changing the color of my living room...re-arranging the furniture at 1 in the morning...changing the color of my hair on the spur of the moment trip to the salon...these are the kinds of changes that I love...but I am comfortable in my life...I am happy with the normal routine of the day..I am content with my little life...and the thought of changing anything scares me...Ahhh, there it is...fear of change...fear..fear..fear...

I have decieded to kick fear to the curb...I am taking a huge (and I do mean huge) life changing leap...I am excited and scared all at the same time..but I feel that it is time..I am holding onto old fears that make in impossible to move on in the present...I'm tired of fear digging its never ending claws into my heart...holding me still in this life and keeping me at bay...

With all this being said....you all know that Khristian is my sunshine..he is my rock..he gave me a reason to get up and fight every day when I had nothing left...It is time for him to have a brother or a sister...

I let go of the fear of abondonment...I let go of the fear of change...and I embrace the excitement of the next chapter in my life...I know I have a wonderful family that will stand by my side...friends that will be there every step of the way...and most of all, a husband that will hold my hand at every doctors appointment...and be there to love and cherish me...and tell me he loves me...

This is a new journey..and one that I am ready to take...I can write this and smile because I have healed from a old wound..and old fear...and it feels good... =)


One last question...ask yourself....What fear are you kicking to the curb today??

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"There's no place like your dreams..."

"Oh, but anyway, Toto, we're home... Home! And this is my room, and you're all here... And I'm not gonna leave here ever, ever again, because I love you all, and - oh, Auntie Em - there's no place like home!"

Summer...ahh, sweet sweet summer in Alabama is unlike any other...flip flops are the shoe of choice for most occations and a pair of cutoff shorts are never far away from your reach...we say "Ya'll" and wave even if we don't a clue of who you are...a 4th of July is never complete without the cutting of a juicy, red watermelon, BBQ, apple pie and fireworks...Saturdays are filled with good food and SEC football and on any given Saturday night you can find your friends hanging out in some barn with the faint sound of a guitar with someone singing "Dinasour" by Hank Williams Jr...you can close your eyes and breathe deeply and your lungs taken in a breathe of fresh pure air...your senses instanly kick into high gear...your nose picks up the sweet scent of honeysuckle and fresh cut grass...you can faintly hear the crickets and the soft rustle of a pine tree in the distance..a gentle breeze tenderly caresses your cheek..without even opening your eyes you can envision the clear, pristine moon up above smiling down on you...

It's night like this..that while sitting under that moon and smelling that sweet honeysuckle that you allow your mind to wonder to places you usually never allow it to go...

Not quite sure where this is going to end up going..just kind of letting me mind wander...

As I think back to when I was a little girl..I can remember feeling as though I had no infinite direction that I wanted to go until second grade....there was a short story contest that our teacher told the class about and encouraged us all to enter...even gave us time during class to write it...I tampered around with the idea of entering...Finally, I jumped head first and started writing a fiction story about a witch named "Matilda"...At this time I cannot remember much about the plot of the story..but I do remember the day I went to class and my teacher called me up to her desk and handed me a certificate for first place in that writing contest...I couldnt wrap my brain around that..I won first place!! I don't know if my family even recalls that memory...but it stands out for me because that contest gave me a direction...I wanted to be a writer...I started writing about everything...I discovered that I could be anyone I wanted to be..It allowed me live in a fantasy world that I would create out of pencil and paper...and I loved it...and so with this new found direction...big dreams were formed of getting out of this small town..I had to...

I hated living in the "Bible belt" known as Alabama..being a small town southern girl my whole life..this is surely where I did not want to end up living for the rest of my life..I could envision myself in the picture perfect movie montage of the women riding down the interstate in her convertable..top down... "to big for her face" sunglasses..scarf wrapped around her hair...and she was leaving this god forsaken town and to where she had not a clue...cliche I know...but you can't tell me that you never thought of it at one point in your life...

Big dreams were formed at a early age..I told myself I would rather die than get stuck here..but here I am sitting in my back yard with the soft glow of the moon shining down on me..listening to "All I can do" by Lynard Skynard...and embracing all that comes with living in the South..Somwhere along the lines I started to not mind living here and actually started to embrace my southern roots..I still have dreams of walking the streets of New York City...visiting the Snow cladden castels of Germany...sitting outside a little cafe in Italy drinking the finest wine available...looking down upon the Grand Canyon and feeling so small in this big "ole world...

 For now though... I am content upon being a small town girl that still has big dreams..writing is my dream...its what I have found that I am good at...and it doesnt matter whether I am in a big city or a small town...I can write anywher..as long as I can still sit outside in my swing at night hearing the song of crickets in the backdrop... =)

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"A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie..."


They say that mother's are born the instant their child is born...the woman was always there...but the Mother is born in that instant...they have a perfect instinct that let's them feel exactly what they should feel...instantly knows how to cuddle the baby just the right way...can sit there and hold the baby for hours on end wondering how they got so lucky...and wondering how they ever lived in this world before becoming a mother...before knowing this kind of love...for some..this happens instantly...for me..It took just a tad bit longer...

Becoming a Mother makes you take a closer look at yourself...makes you look in the mirror and confront the demons behind your eyes..makes you confront the not so perfect things about yourself..you see, your not living just for yourself anymore...when you speak..your not speaking for just one person anymore...your speaking for two...your heart is not just yours anymore...because when you become a mother you hand your child your heart and he carries it within his heart forever...You vow to yourself that your child will always feel loved...You will keep every single pinky promise that you make..that you will never disappointment them...that he or she will never know pain...I mean real gut wrenching pain that brings you to your knees...

Don't we all wish we could all keep our children from knowing pain...but as we all have learned...pain is a part of life..because if we never know pain then we can never know joy..There is not a book that tell's us how to be the perfect mother..Truth be known, there is no perfect mother..we all have our faults..we all have our downfalls..No matter sometimes how much we want to go back and change something..we know we can't..all we can do is love them...and pray to God that he will lead us in the right path..I have my faults...I face them daily...We all lose control..we all neglect the important things..we all often times yell when we know we should be gentle..as much as we all try to avoid these things...it is inevitable...one or all of these things will happen..and we will feel horrible for it...but at night time, when that ten year old little boy kisses me good night and says "Good Night Mom..I love you"...I know I am doing at least one thing right...

This last week...I was sinking in my own thoughts...my own worries..You know the ones... Money..bills...cleaning the house...cooking supper...getting back to school things ready...work...family...and the list could go on and on and on...my mind was so consumed with these ever present worries that when Khristian called me on my cell phone on Tuesday of last week and asked me to come have lunch with him...I am ashamed to say that I acted impatient..selfish..and like I didnt have a hour to come and spend with him...As he asked me to come over to his maw maw and paw paw's (which is where he stays during the summer and after school) and have a turkey sandwich with him...I sighed very heavy and told him "I guess..I will be there in a minute"...his voice got a little quieter and he asked "You don't want to come"?..I reponded with "Honey, I said I would be there in a few minutes"...I then hung up the phone...When I got to my daddy's house and walked in..my little boy gave me a huge hug and preceded to go into the kitchen and make me a turkey sandwich, peel me a banana, grab me a bag of chips and a water..he put everything on the table for me to eat and only then did he start to make his own lunch...It was in this moment that I started to feel the all to familiar weight of guilt...He sat down right beside me at the table and we ate our lunch..talked about his day so far and how he had been helping PawPaw around the house...afterward, we went into the living room and layed on the couch and watched Icarly on the disney channel...right before I had to leave I was talking to my daddy and he delivered the last blow...He said that when Khristian got off the phone with me he turned to him and said "She is mad because she hung up the phone really quick..."..Needless to say, I felt horrible for the way I had acted on the phone...My son thought I was mad at him...that I didnt have time to come and eat lunch with him...I was to consumed with my own worries and I took it out on him...

That lunch turned out to be exactly what I needed...I got back to work and sat in my car a cryed for about 5 minutes before going back inside... Khristian ,whether he knows it or not, alot of times is my rock...No matter what my faults are as a mother..he looks past them and somehow always reminds me what really important in this life...my family..That afternoon when I picked him up and we were driving home in silence...I turned to him at a red light and said "Thank you for lunch today baby...I really appreciated it! There is no other place I would have rather been than eating with you!"...and do you know what my sweet 10 year old boy that I think is wise beyond his years sometimes said?? 

He simply said with a smile "I know mom...I love you to.."

A child's love and willingness to forgive is amazing, isnt it...All this time we as adults think we are teaching our children..but in reality..its our children that are teaching us... =)

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" Looking back..."

"But it's a low low road...You've gotta roll down...Before you find your way, my friend...And it's a high, high hill ...You've gotta climb up....Before you get to the top again..."


The above quote is from a song by Grace Potter & the Nocturnals...this song speaks loud and clear to me...I love music...It's a part of me...it's in my soul...my heart...there is a song for every emotion out there..Often times its comforting to know that somewhere in this overwhelming world..there is someone that shares these emotions....and sometimes when you can't speak the words yourself...someone else can sing them for you...

Everyone has lost their way at one point or another in this life..you have rolled down that hill...feeling as though you don't have a friend in the world... that you are truly at your lowest point..."How could it get any worse? How did this happen?"and the ever present question "Why?"... you revel in your despair.. the heavy weight of sadness...maybe even betrayal...you wonder around aimlessly..blindly...you have lost all sense of direction..you doubt your judgement..doubt everything within yourself...

At this point you have two choices...get up and start the long climb back up that hill..or lay there on the cold, hard ground and slowly let yourself disappear...There have been times in my life that this was me...I was laying on that ground...trying to find my way again...I had no direction..lost...and I felt completly alone...and just when I thought I couldnt go on... an old friend that I left by the waste side a long time ago and my family came and took me by the hand and said "Let's walk this hill together..I won't let you fall again.."

My birthday was this past Saturday and it was kinda special for me...you see, the last birthday party I had was when I came home from the hospital with Khristian..I turned 18...I walked in the door and there was my family...with balloons...and sign that was colored and said "Happy 18th Birthday Jessica" (I still have this tucked away)...and a chocolate cake (even then I loved chocolate)..I made my wish and blew out the candles with my new born son laying awkwardly in my arms...my wish was simple... to just disappear...I held it together long enough to eat cake..socialize... and thank everyone for coming...and then went into my room..shut the door and cryed till my eyes were raw...

This past friday night...my parents threw me a little birthday party when I got off work..I turned 28...there was no sign..no balloons...but there was my daddy and stepmom...my son and my husband...(and a gigantic steak and a 5 layer cake that my daddy worked on for a week) and this year as they sang happy birthday to me and I blew out the candles...I had no wish...because I told God that nothing in the world could possibly be better than this...I did cry on the way home..but it was tears of gratitude and just a overall feeling of love...

As I think back over the last 10 years of my life...I am astounded at how far I have traveled...I have come from being a 17 year old single mother of a new born baby boy with no direction in her life...to being a successful mother of a healthy and extremly active 10 year old boy and I married my best friend 6 years ago...I have lost and found new friends along the way...but more importantly...I found my happiness...and I learned that God's grace abounds....I have encountered many trials..but nothing that I havent overcome..I can't talk about my journey without talking about my family..There have been so many times that I have felt like throwing in the towel and just saying "To heck with it"...wondering what I was doing...and whether it be my daddy..my step-mom...my younger brother...or most recently...my uncle....they have pushed and guided me..giving me the courage to accomplish each one of my goals..The lessons I have learned are priceless...are so are my family...

10 years...a decade...It has been a tough road...a long road...and the journey is not over...there is far more to come as I continue to climb the hill of life...

Oh..and in case your wondering who the old friend was that grabbed my hand at the bottom of that hill...It was my good friend Jesus...and he has never left my side or let me fall since... :)

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"Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness..."

"A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream. The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation. The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime. But a few days later he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.



"I've been thinking," he said, "I know how valuable the stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious. Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone..."



Can you remember ever having a day when nothing seemed to be going right....you woke up on the wrong side of bed..the kids have a horrible attitude..your running late...then you spill coffee on your brilliantly white shirt..you really don't have to time to change but you have no choice as today is that big meeting that you have with all the bigwigs in your department...you finally get everyone in the car and buckled up only to discover...you walked right out the house without you keys...Its one dillema right after another and before you even get to work you feel like you just want to throw your hands up and say "I'm done..I'm going home!"....When all the sudden a fresh cup of coffee arrives on your desk...you don't know where it came from..or rather who it came from...but its just enough to make you take a nice deep breath, close your eyes for a moment, a slow smile starts to creep across your face...and you feel a sense of calmness come over you....your ready to take on the rest of the day....


I read a friends blog a while back and it was on "Paying it Forward"...now I (as has many of you) have seen the movie...but I never really gave it much thought until I read this very sweet persons blog...She detailed how she challenged herself to do little anonymous things for either total strangers or people she knew....Well...after reading this I decieded that I would challenge myself to do the same thing...The challenge was for one whole week I would do one anonymous nice thing for someone each day...I wanted no credit...It was totally anonymous...


I have a several blank cards at my house that I keep stored for last minute birthdays or just anything else that may pop up unexpectantly...So, on Monday I grabbed one of these cards and wrote on the inside "There are big ships and small ships but the best ship of all is friendship...I hope you have a great day!" I didn't sign my name...I just slipped into a envelope and wrote my friends name on the outside....As I was driving to work...I pulled onto the side of the road and slipped the card into her mailbox and then drove off...I knew this friend needed some kind words...and I could only smile when I talked to her later in the week as she told me about this "random" card that showed up in her mailbox and how it made her smile...


On Tuesday, I stopped and got me a cup of coffee at the bookstore here on campus and while no one was in the bookstore at the time I knew it was only a matter of time before someone came in and ordered another coffee...so what did I do...When I paid for my coffee I told the cashier to also ring up a Venti (large) coffee and give it to the next person that walked in and ordered a coffee...Now, all of you coffee drinkers out there know..sometimes that big cup of caffeine can be your golden ticket to having a good day...


Wednesday was a tad bit harder...I have some rose bushes in my backyard so I cut a beautiful array of roses off and arranged them in a small vase with some water...My plan was to place these flowers on a woman's desk at work that I know that always has a kind word to say or a smile to offer...well...when I got to work she was already seated at her desk...so I periodically had to walk by her office to see when she was gone (I almost felt like a spy)  so I could slid the vase on her desk without anyone seeing me..I attached a note that said..."Have a blessed day!"...I have not talked to her since I placed these flowers on her desk but I can imagine her surprise when she saw them...


By Thursday, I was really loving the way that doing these anonymous nice things made me feel...No matter how frustrated..angry..tired...or anything else I was feeling from my day..I knew that I had made someone out there smile (or at least I hope I did)...So that afternoon before I left work...I put a sticky note on the garbage can under my desk..the note was for the cleaning lady that comes in every night and changes the garbage bags and vacuums the floors....It said " Thank you so much for your service...I don't know you..or your name....but I just wanted to tell you Thank you!" ...well this morning when I came in there was another sticky note attached to my garbage can that said "Your welcome young Lady... You made my night...and my name is Debra.. :)" How awesome is that!?


So to finish out the week... this morning Khristian and I went through the drive thru at Daylight Doughnuts..we both ordered us yummy sausage roll.... when a white car pulled up behind me with a women that looked like she was in the worst mood possible...and what better on a bad morning than a glazed chocolate doughnut...(In my world, Chocolate can just about fix anything)..So, I went ahead and paid for her a chocolate doughnut and told the cashier to give it to her and tell her "Happy Friday" when she pulled up to the window...I had already pulled out onto 231 by the time that the cashier handed her the chocolatey goodness...


As this week comes to a close..I feel a twinge of sadness because I actually looked forward everyday to making some random person smile...no matter what may be going in their life..for just that moment...they felt a tad bit better because I took just a sliver of time out of my day to do something nice for them...I payed it forward...I don't want to get all "Hallmark card" mushy on you...but..what if we all did this? It doesnt have to be everyday...or every week...and you dont have to spend any money...but what if you just offered someone a friendly wave...or a "Hey, how are you?" and actually look interested to hear the answer...We are all guilty of it...we get so consumed with whats going on in our own life that we forget that people around us everyday are fighting his or her own personal battles....The women at the bank that goes home every night to her husband fighting cancer....or the man that is stuggling to pay his mortgage that has a wife and a new baby at home...Or the little old lady that lives out in the country and needs someone to check in on her every now and then...No matter what the situation is...we are all fighting our own battles..and sometimes compassion for another human being can go a long way in a world that has forgotten what the word "Compassion" means...


Too often we underestimate the power of a touch... a smile..a kind word... a listening ear... an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around


So..in closing...I challenge each of you..Try it...Pay it Forward...What could it hurt.. :)

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"God hear's my prayers..."

I am supposed to be working on a faculty list for work right now...but I find myself sitting right here...typing away..writing...I cant concentrate on anything else...

I had someone close to me make a somewhat negative comment quite recently and it has bothered me every since it was said...I guess its my first real encounter with someone's complete lack of faith in me...and it truly bothers me down to my core...every since I have started on this writing journey I have recieved nothing but completely positive feedback from my family and friends...but still I have tryed to prepare myself for the rejection or doubt that I knew would eventually travel my way...but I just didnt expect it to come from a source so close to my heart...

As I layed in bed last night...I let that doubt creep into my mind and start to spread...doubt is truly like poison...it consumes you if you let it...negative thoughts started coming from every which way and I started buying into them...I couldnt help it...If this person that I cared about didnt have faith in me..how could I have faith in myself??

I had a fitfull night of sleep...tossed and turned...woke up just about evey hour on the hour...and that truly makes a night seem that much longer...because in the silence of the night...when all is quiet in the house...there is no laundry that needs to be done...the kitchen is clean...no kids to take care of...no husband to talk to...there is just you, the silence, and your poisonous thoughts of self doubt...

I prayed a silent prayer in that complete silence...I told God that I felt torn..that I didnt know what I was doing...and I needed his guidance...Every person wants to feel as though they have a purpose on this earth..a talent that was given to them to use in some sort of fashion...Was this the path that I am supposed to take or was I just fooling myself?

Waking up this morning..my eyelids are heavy...my heart is a bit discouraged...and I can't seem to make that smile on my face stay for very long...I have a book sitting right here on my desk at work that while my computer is booting up I read my Daily Devotional...It usually helps me get my day started right at work...

Here is what today's Devotional said:

Thank you God for answering yet another one of my prayers....

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