"Staying close..."

"The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together."
~Erma Bombeck

It's hard to put into words and convey what I really want to say here..so I am going to try and I hope that you can feel what I am trying to say...

As a child growing up, I don't have a good recollection of my family ever being that close...I mean, yeah we got together at all the important holidays but other than that you only saw them when someone died. My mom and dad worked a good bit back then, as times were hard with 3 kids, and neither one of them having a high school diploma. They both worked hard to provide for us kids..so I dont fault them for that at all. I actually think that's where I got my value of hard work. My brother and sister were older than I was and was very involved in school activities and didnt have much time to play with there "annoying" little sister. There was a couple of years there that I can actually remember my older brother, sister, and I being somewhat close...but the year that I turned 7 my parents divorced...things were turned upside down for me because not only did I not know what "Divorce" meant but my "Family" was now divided.

Fast forward a couple of years, with the addition of a step-mom and step-dad (both who have taught me so much and I love dearly) and a annoying (love you adam) little step-brother that had always been the only child, I had learned to adapt to this new "family" that had been given to me. Yet, still we were not close..my older brother had moved in with my dad 30 minutes away..my older sister had moved out as well..and so there was just me. My younger step-brother and I couldnt stand each other for the longest time..as I think back on it now I think it was because we were more alike than what we originally thought.

As a result of this, my older siblings and I are not close even now...both live in the same city as I and we rarely talk...We have nothing in common...and to be quite honest, both of them are perfect strangers to me. I don't know there favorite food, color, what music taste they have, I dont even know if they are allergic to anything. Surprisingly enough, my little brother (I lost the step a long long time ago) and I are extremly close...not sure if it was the fact that we lived together after I had Khristian, we fought all the time, we screamed how much we hated each other, and yes we even called our parents to tattle on each other (alot). Now...we talk everyday and he is one of my best friends...

I did not "grow up" in a sense with my older brother and sister...they were older than I was and although I can recall memories of us doing things as kids...I don't have alot...(and lets be honest, who actually remembers alot before the age of 5?) ...and really by the time that I was starting to grow up a little..they were gone...could this be the reason we are not close? I love both of my parents, but I have to be honest here and say that "staying close" was not really pushed in our household much..

The fighting, picking, crying for each other when they get spanked, sneaking off and getting drunk, having a secret hiding place that your not even supposed to be go in because it looks dangerous, covering for each other, and having common interests, being closer in age, feeling a certain level of trust...These are the things that make me and my little brother "Close"..

Your parents always say "Stay close with your brothers and sisters because when we are dead and gone, they are all you have"... Here is my take, (and I mean no offense, I have a tendency to say what others are thinking but are afraid to say) I love all my brothers and sisters...I would do anything in the world for them...and if It came down to it, I would defend them if need be...but...I dont think that necessarily means you have to be "Close" with them...We all live in different worlds, with different interests, and we dont always agree on alot of things..its ok that we dont talk on the phone but once a month..and its even ok that I don't know what many of there interests are...

Close or not...I think the only thing that matter's is the fact that we know that if we need anything...the other one is only a phone call away...

Read more...

Music

You’re listening to your favorite song. Can you hear it? What instruments do you hear? Is someone singing? What are the words saying to you? What is the music telling you? How do you feel when you’re listening to it? What does music do to you? How important is music in your life?


I personally don’t have a favorite song...I don’t even have a favorite genre of music, as my tastes are quite unique...My mood depends upon what music I listen to at that time...But also, my music can set the tone of my mood... When I’m feeling angry, sure I can turn up Metallica and head thrash about the room and jump up and down... (I’m sure you have a visual now.) Instead, I turn on Amos Lee or some good Ole' Otis Redding (Got to love that soft, slow bluesy sound) and get lost in the soulful lyrics of the song... These sounds..the words...seem to get through to me, to calm me down...

When I'm in a particular good mood..I, more times than not, go to my "Smiles" playlist on
the Ipod ( and yes, the playlist is actually called "Smiles") and belt out "Benny and the Jet's" by Elton John or "Rockin Robin" by Bobby Day...Whatever mood it may be there is a genre of music that will cater to it...Happy, sad, angry, mad, mellow, giddy, romantic..even nostalgic...

Everyone has that one song that can take them back to a moment in time...to a certain memory...and for that 2 or 3 minutes its like you are right back there..reliving that memory all over again...(I bet your thinking of a song right now, aren't you?) It may be a memory of heartache...or a sweet memory filled with the innocence of your youth..For example, some of my personal favorite memories are whenever I hear Hank Williams "There's a tear in my beer" I can't help but to think of when I was younger and my family and I would be driving to Birmingham to visit my Grandmother..the whole way to her house my dad would sit in the drivers seat singing those old Country songs and my brother, sister and I would sing along with him..It never failed..every trip we were going to sing that song...

Another great memory is...whenever I hear "The Twist" by Chubby Checker...I think of my mom cleaning the house and grabbing anything she could get her hands on and dancing (a broom, vacuum, door handle, etc..) most of the time it was one of us kids and she would teach us all the old dances of the 50's and 60's..( The Mashed Potato was my personal favorite).. :)

Whenever I hear Travis singing Conway Twitty's "Lay you down" it takes me right back to our first date...when he picked me up in his "Big Red Truck" as I used to call it...I was so nervous..he seemed so at ease...That song came on the radio and I can remember him starting to sing it...I dont even think he realized he was singing out loud due to the fact that he is so comfortable singing...but in that moment, I feel in love with his voice that night...It gave me goose bumps all up and down my arms...we have been together every since that night...

According to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, music is defined as: vocal, instrumental, or mechanical sounds having rhythm, melody, or harmony...

I actually think it is best summed up in this quote by Frederick Delius: Music is an outburst of the soul... =)

Read more...

Small Things...

Do me a favor...

Stop for a couple minutes and ask yourself this question.. "What makes me happy?" Now, I'm not looking for your typical deep meaning and over analyzed answer's... What I'm looking for is a quick simple list of things that make you smile and give you that giddy feeling in the pit of your stomach...that thing that gives you that extra "Umphh" in your step... Ok..now..think about it...

At the beginning of the year I started this new thing..I guess you could call it a "New Years Resolution"..(even though I hate those things)...but it's more than just a resolution that I make at the beginning of the year and then by mid February fall off the band wagon and promise to do better next year..It's a promise to myself...

I promised myself that at some point in the day that I was going stop and do something that made me happy..something that made a small slow smile creep up on my face...sometimes I even giggle at myself because of how silly it is...but I think that's what this about..I wanted to slow down and remember the small things in life that can bring me happiness...and if only for that small minute or two, I forget all my worries..all my stresses and all my tasks...and in that moment, I am simply happy...

When I say small things...I really do mean small...just yesterday morning as I was about to fix my morning coffee, I noticed that I was about out and it was time to open the new tin of coffee that I had bought at the grocery store..at this point I got excited. The reason why...because I love peeling off the silver seal and getting that first fresh smell of ground coffee...small thing, yes..I know..but it made me smile and for a moment made me happy...

It doesnt take much really...there are things around us everyday that make us happy..we just simply ignore them...and why?? It's ridiculously silly when you get down to the nitty gritty...we all make excuses..but why are we making excuses about why we ignore the small things in life that give us simple joy?? We all need to slow down..enjoy life..go dance in the rain with your children..go jump in that mud puddle and worry about how to get the mud out of the clothes later...go walk barefoot in your yard and enjoy the feel of soft grass under your feet...smile at the fact that your laying on the cold side of the pillow...Sing along at the top of your lungs with your favorite song...enjoy that first sip of coffee in the morning and savore it...hold onto your son or daughter for just a second longer at bedtime and give them a extra squeeze...laugh at that corny joke that you have heard a million times...stop at the store and get your favorite type of bubble gum...take a walk with your husband or wife and hold hands...take a million pictures...buy that ridiculous looking dress that noone else likes but you and wear it proudly...because before we know it...we are all going to be in our 70's and 80's and wishing to God we could get this time back to enjoy...Now go make that list.. :)

Oh..in case your wondering what I did this morning to make me smile...It's simple...I danced around my bathroom while singing at the top of lungs  "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey... =)

Read more...

"It is not flesh and blood but the heart which makes us fathers and sons. " ~Johann Schiller



I have recently started redoing my living room..you know, the basics...painting, putting new things on the walls, new pillows on the couch, rearranging different things...I have started pulling all kinds of pictures out of storage, after all, these pictures tell the details of our life, the memories, the times that we will always remember due to us taking a moment to take a snapshot of a very important time in our life. You see, I dont't want my living room to look like one out of a magazine, generic if you will, I want it to tell a story..I want you to be able to look around my living room and see my life..our special moments...and smile...

I had the best time going through some of these pictures...Khristian's first tooth, his first haircut, first day of Kindergarden, the first time Travis took him fishing, Our first Christmas as a family in our first house, first Halloween...and I could go on and on...As I looked through these pictures, I was overwhelmed with gratitude and just the feeling that I was blessed with something special..or rather someone special...my husband. I talk about Khristian all the time and how lucky I am to be his mom...I am just as lucky to have my husband. He truly is a very special person...I believe that God sent him to us when we needed him the most...

Travis, Khristian and I had sort of a rough couple weeks in December and I'm sure there will be many more moments to come through out Khristian's life..but we hit it head on as a "Family"...We had to tell Khristian Travis was not his Biological father..and believe me when I tell you it was the most gut wrenching thing I have ever had to do in my life...you know, when your young and your making decisions, you don't ever think that one day your mistakes will come back and hurt the person that you love most in this world. I hated watching my baby cry and hurt over something that he had no control over...he didn't deserve to be hurt. He asked about his biological father and we let him know that he hasnt seen Khristian since his first birthday and that he just wasnt ready to be a father at that time..It was a long couple hour's as Khristian had a ton of questions and I answered them as honestly as I could. My heart stopped when Travis turned to Khristian and asked "Do you feel any differently about me now?" to which Khristian responded "No..your my daddy, your the ones that has always been there for me and nothing is going to change that.."

Several months before Khristian turned 3, Travis and I started dating...He loved both of us and he knew that we were a package deal...This man has in every meaning of the word become Khristian's "daddy"...He goes to every football and baseball practice..he helps coach ever year...he watches wrestling with Khristian every Monday night...he plays endless amounts of video games with him...he helps him with his homework...he sat there and held his hand (even though he cant stand the sight of anyone elses blood) when he got 11 stitches in his leg...he came home early on our honeymoon because I missed Khristian so much...I can remember the very first time Khristian asked Travis if he could call him Daddy and Travis looked at him and said "Son, You can call me anything you want to.." but it was the look on Travis's face that I will always remember...it was a look of pride. Travis is not a cryer but I seem to remember seeing him get a little teary eyed that day....Khristian has called him daddy every since...

It's not the blood line that makes a Family and it's certainly not what makes a parent... It's the being there..good or bad..and NEVER giving up on each other...it's sharing moments together, crying tears together, holding hands and praying together, understanding one another...It's being a circle that can't ever be broken...and never abandoning one another...

Sometimes we dont understand the plan that God has layed out for out life and we can't see the big picture...God see's the big picture and I am ever so thankful that he added Travis into our's....



Read more...

"Adulthood"

When exactly do you become a "Adult"?? I mean, do you go to sleep a child and one day wake up a adult? Or is it more of a feeling? Certain age? A State of Mind?

As I sat in the kitchen drinking my morning coffee, mentally going over the things in my head that need to be done for the day...the week..the month. What bills need to paid this week...Who's gift I still to need to buy...Laundry that needs to be washed...Floors that need to be swept and mopped..and the list can go on and on and on...I pondered this question...

In all aspects and definition of the word..this is "adulthood"!

So why don't I feel like a adult?? Often times, when I look in the mirror I feel like a little girl playing house..

I can think back to when I was little, I would sit back, watch, listen, and analyze (and yes for those of you that know me quite well...I even analyzed everything when I was little)  the grown ups...they seem so confident..so sure of themselves and what they were doing and what had to be done. When I asked a question..they never hesitated and always had a answer for everything. It seemed like they knew just endless amounts of information..like they were just waiting for a little mind like you to ask so they could pass on the information...Supper was always on the table (and most of the time..to your complete surprise it was almost always one of your favorites)..the house was almost always spotless...the shoes you needed for cheerleading and the pom poms you needed magically appeared when you needed them...and all the while the grown up or "Adults" never lost their sense of composure or confidence...

I am 27 year's old...been married to my husband for 5 years...and became a mother 9 years ago...I am unsure of most of the choices I make...I struggle at giving Khristian the answers to the questions that he so randomly askes...I stress from month to month over the bills and how we are going to pay for Khristian's multiple array of activities...Worry about not having enough time to keep the house clean and getting supper on the table...I struggle to find the perfect balance between alone time and family time..and when the 30th or 31st of the month comes I breathe a huge sigh of relief and tell myself I have made it through another month...and then the very next day the lists start all over again...

When your little, you always have that one person that you look up to more so than anyone else..you say "I want to be just like them when I grow up and become a adult!"

As you grow just a bit older and you mature..you say "When I am a adult, I am NEVER going to be that way!"

So...What I'm asking is...When do we make the transition from child to adolescent to Adult?? Is it when we move out on our own? When we get married? Have kids???

My thoughts - I don't think any of us are adults...I don't think we ever really grow up....

I think we are all just a massive bunch of kids..playing house and dress-up..scrambleing around in this playhouse that we call the world just trying to survive! We make the best out of a situation and we sometimes come out the winner..and sometimes we come out the loser...maybe we don't always have the right answer..maybe the house isnt always clean and sometimes that bill will not get paid by the 10th of the month...but as long as we keep laughing, stay true to our heart and we stay true to ourselves...We are all going to be just fine... =)

Read more...

A moment of Clarity

A time comes in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks, and somewhere the voice inside your head says.. "ENOUGH!"

Enough fighting and struggling to hold on... And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears, and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes...

This is your moment of clarity..

You awaken to the fact that you're not perfect, that not everyone will always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are, and that's okay. (They're entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself; and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected...

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you; and that it's not always about you... So, you learn to stand on your own, and to take care of yourself and in the process, a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are, and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties; and in the process, a sense of peace and contentment is born..

You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been engraved into your mind..

You begin to sift through all that you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, and how much you should weigh; what you should wear and where you should shop, and what you should drive; how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living; who you should marry, and what you should expect of a marriage; the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents, and what people owe you..

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for...

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown (or should never have bought into to begin with) and in the process you learn to go with your gut instincts..

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the cement that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life..

You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing..

You learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries, and learning to say NO...
You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because company you keep...

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be...

You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes...

You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely. And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10, and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."..

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK. And that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands...

And you learn that your body really is your temple, and you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play...

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline, and perseverance...

You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber of all time... FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it, and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of doom...

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve; and that sometimes-bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers...

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state ~ the ego... You learn negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected, or they will suffocate the life out of you, and poison you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls...

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower..

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself; and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never settle for less than your heart's desire...

And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, keep trusting, and to stay open to every possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand; you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life that you want to live as best as you can..

Read more...

"Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda"

"Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda"...It's a odd phrase...It's a phrase that we have all said at least once or twice in our lifetime. I believe it is also the brother phrase to "What if".. They could even be used in the same sentence, side by side..working together...one as dangerous as the other...

A close friend and I were having a conversation and these words were said by my friend..I went home and I couldnt get the words out of my head. It got me to thinking about my own "Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda" moments. You know, the thing about that phrase is that its the not knowing...We repeat over and over in our head that if I "Coulda" handled that differently..or I "shoulda" said that but didn't...and then there is the finale, If I had said and done something different then this "Woulda" happened. Sometimes we can even torture ourselves over these 3 little words that we give so much power to...

I believe that these situations are placed in front of us to overcome...so that next time that opportunity passes in front of our face we don't waste it and throw it away..or rather just walk away. Also, just because one opportunity has passed and you may not have handled it the way that you should have..does that mean that the opportunity is gone forever? What if it's to late? Or does that mean that one day a situation might propose itself again and you have learned your lesson with "Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda" and you go about it compeltly different...you say the right thing, you do the right thing, and everthing works out just the way it should have the first time... Do you close the door on that opportunity forever and say "what if" or do you keep the hope that one day...when all the cards fall right, the stars are aligned, and nothing is standing in the way your "Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda..but didnt" turns into something you will never regret..something that you know is just the way it should be...

Read more...