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Who I am...

 Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I can remember when I was in my early 20's and I made the statement "I need to find out who I am!" At 27 I can tell you exactly who I am, what my likes and dislikes are...I am more settled right now than I have ever been in my whole life..and it feels great...


I like going on walks ... I like holding hands... I like going to the beach, no matter what time it is...I like looking at the stars and I want to go hiking in the great wilderness.. I want to go camping because I never went as a child (or a adult for that matter)... I love falling asleep in the arms of someone who loves me ... and I love waking up in his arms as well... I like being kissed on the forehead and having my back rubbed... I love massages no matter who they're from (unless they are from some stranger who feels the need to come up and touch you)... If you give me one, I will melt...but I also like my space..dont crowd me and get in my "Air Space"...  I love taking pictures.. I don't like when people complain that I take too many... I love laughing, I love being silly, I love when people aren't afraid to be silly sometimes. I love cartoons. I wish I could get into scrapbooking.... I love to swim and play in the water and I love board games... I love to sing, even though I'm horrible at it... But if you ask me to sing for you, I probably won't... I like being spontaneous... Music is important to me... I can get lost in the lyrics especially if they speak directly to me... Writing is my passion...I feel a yearning that I havent felt in years...I know I have talent and I WILL do something with it...

I have strong opinions ...I will share them, but only when I feel so inclined. Generally speaking, I think before I speak...especially in large groups... But once you get to know me, I am an open book.... I love the fact that my husband and I have been married for almost 6 years and he still opens the door for me... I want to be respected -- I want my feelings to be respected and my thoughts to be respected. More than anything else, I want my body to be respected... I know how to be sexy.. I know how to be desirable...but I also know how to throw on a T-shirt and a baseball hat and get dirty... I like being told that I'm beautiful..I love looking across the room and catching my husbands eye and we smile at each...

I'm not always as confident as I seem ... I have days where I hate the way I look and nothing seems to be going right... Most times, I don't want to talk about what is bothering me ... sometimes I just want silence to straighten out my own thoughts... I like to have a good cry every now and then..it always seems to make me feel better when I do... I dont like seeing anyone else cry...I don't like when people run from their true feelings because it doesn't do anyone any good... I wear my heart on my sleeve around the people that I love, but I am not naive. I know what it feels like to be completely broken and I am all too familiar with what it means to be hurt... I know what it's like to see something funny and not laugh...but I also know that without being broken I could never have become the stronge person that I am right now...

I like playing Nintendo, PS3, X-box..any video game really ( mario and zelda are my all time favorites) ...  I'm not useless in terms of computers, I know more about them than the location of the "on" button. If I don't know, chance are, I will try and fix it/find it myself ... and then ask for help or I will choose to find another way to do what I'm trying to... However, I know nothing about cars will always pick up the phone and call my daddy no matter how old I am (even thought I am married)...

I'm not afraid to get dirty ... I enjoy being sweaty because I was working out...It's a good feeling... I love to run because no matter how hard I pound on the pavement it takes all my frustrations.. I alos enjoy long slow walks in the summer time at night when you can see the lightning bugs out... I love Alabama football..Im not much interested in any other team..and thats ok..Most of the time, I choose what teams uniform is "prettiest" and go for that team (and yes I get made fun of by my husband for this)...My nails are not my top priority (even thought I really do try).. they never will be... I might paint them ... but once I do, the polish will stay on until it wears off, no matter how chipped it is...

I love long showers and the feeling of my teeth after they have been brushed... I do not like the dentist or the doctor ... I'll probably gripe about going to both of them, no matter how necessary it might be... Needles are a phobia..so are spiders of any size... the alarm clock going off is my least favorite sound and it can easily drive me insane...Couldnt they have made a less annoying sound for something that wakes you up from a dead sleep ( talk about waking up on the wrong side of the bed)...

I like food, even if it's not good for me..Cookies especially... I like Shakespeare, even though I don't understand half of what he is saying... I love to learn..I ask a lot of questions... Even if you honestly don't know, I will probably continue to ask until you give me an answer... I'm tend to be gullible at times... I like things that make you think..and I like to be the one that looks at the other side of things...

I am afraid of being lonely ...of not being appreciated or wanted. ..Of people not knowing how much they mean to me. I'm afraid of drowning..of choking and of not understanding... I'm not afraid to be myself or of interacting with people who are different than me... I'm not afraid to admit that I'm wrong, but I will rarely admit it...My friends are the most important people in the world to me...they are part of my family...I love my family..even thought we are a strange bunch of people..I love them...

I like popcorn with lots of butter and raisenettes...I could watch reruns of Friends, One Tree Hill, and Sex in the City and never get bored ... I love the smell of new books and new cars... I love bread and Chocolate ice cream... I love Gap sweatpants ... I love having my hair in a messy ponytail.. I love being comfortable but I also love dressing up in my highes heels... I am just as comfortable in a skirt as I am in sweats... I don't wear much make up ...it literally takes me 5 minutes in the morning to put it on... I love to work, it makes me feel productive and useful... It keeps me from being idle... I hate feeling useless... I love staying up late (even thought the older I get, the harder it is to stay up) and I love sleeping though I will never sleep enough...
 I love my son...He kept me going when I had nothing else to look forward to.. I am not a animal person (even thought I really do love puppys)... My favorite color is pink... I don't like math ... I still have to count on my fingers and If I dont have a calculator, Im screwed... I love reading for hours on end ... especially outside on a sunny day... I love the sun ... I love feeling the warm sunshine on my face...

I support and appreciate people who can argue their point.. even if I don't agree. I don't like when people can't support themselves ...I don't like laziness... I'm trying to learn how to disagree without being disagreeable and I admire people who know how... I also admire people who can play more than one instrument...You would think that as much as I love music I would be musically talented (sadly, I am not)..I love praying... I'd rather be hot than cold and I would rather eat chicken than beef but I love beef jerky...  Christmas is favorite holiday... I love birthdays and Christmas because they bring people together... I admire integrity and honesty .... I love best friends and old friends ... and I love when new friends become old friends...

Florescent lights always make people look weird and I don't understand why stores always put them in dressing rooms... There are a lot of clothes I am too self conscious to wear ... a lot of clothes I don't think I can pull off... But sometimes I'll try... I love good smelling lotions and shampoos ... especially the Victoria's Secrets ones... I love when guys wear cologne ... I love when guys are ticklish ... and I love laughing so hard I cry. I love straight teeth. I am addicted to coffee and sugar free Red Bull's... . I will always think I should lose more weight..and I will never be compeltly happy with the way I look...I'm not unhappy with the way I look, but I don't always think I look my best.. Those are the days I change my clothes six times before deciding which shirt I want to wear...and when I walk out of the house I still dont like what I have on..

I believe in love... Real, true, amazing,  love... I believe in my self ... I believe in other people... I will never give up on the people I really care about, even if they break my heart a thousand times... I believe in God and I know He will never give up on me ... even if I break His heart a thousand times...

I could fill a book with my thoughts ... and someday I will... I want to be published, I want to be known... I used to want to move to a big city but the older I get the more I love living in the country... I love being a wife, a mother, and a friend, a daughter, a sister.... I want to help others through my writing...I love the fact that I am finally starting to accept me the way I am...

I love blankets...even in the summer. I love fans ... even in the winter. Fresh air and natural light cure just about anything... I am a firm believer that everything happens for a purpose ... that it is up to us to discover that purpose ... and that more often than not, we won't understand ... even if we find an answer. Regardless, I believe that everything works out for the best... Always... I think clich├ęs are amusing and though I feel weird using them to justify things.. I do anyway...

I love shoes of any kind.. I like making sandcastles and playing in the ocean. I'm bad at foreign languages, I don't understand what they are saying and I feel horrible after asking them 3 times to repeat what they said (at which point, I just nod my head)... I adore the hymns of the church... The most original pickup line I have ever heard was "If fine was a fan, You would be a hurricane" (mind you, this came from a man at walmart when i was sweaty and in my workout clothes with no makeup on)..

I like people who can make me laugh ... I love making people laugh. I don't blush easily, but if I do, it means something... I like people who make me think about things ... people who willingly put up with my absentmindedness and like it... I'm not afraid to laugh at myself ... nor am I afraid to laugh at other people... I have a hard time letting go and when I love, I love deeply. I'm sincere and genuine ... and I like people who are sincere and genuine... People who respect themselves.. boys who love their moms...I think its the sweetest thing ever that my husband talks to his mom everyday.. I don't want to be told that I'm loved ... I want to be shown... If you hurt me, I'm going to talk to my friends about it ... My moods are hard to distinguish..When I get mad, I'm quiet..when I'm hurt, I'm quiet...sometimes when I am deep in thought, I'm quiet...

 I'd rather pick a flower from my front yard or the side of the road than buy them.. I like homemade cookies and hand drawn pictures from my son... I'd rather give you something sentimental than something practical ... but I'm not against practicality... If I'm shopping and something silly catches my eye and makes me think of you, chances are ... you'll be receiving it shortly thereafter. Silly gifts make life enjoyable. :)

Inside jokes are amazing ... remember whens are mind blowing. Getting together with three of your best friends from high school and looking at middle school yearbooks years after is one of the most amusing things in the world... I love apple juice... I don't like eating pineapple... I don't like paying for parking (I think its stupid) ... and I would rather park farther away if it's free. If something is broken, I'll probably leave it broken until I need it next... I make my bed every morning because I hate when the sheets are all messed up at night... I would rather carry out the plans than create the plans... I love beginnings, but I know that endings have to come before beginnings can happen. ..Some of the most beautiful things in my life have ended ... but endings bring about strength and teach lessons that could never have been learned otherwise.... And I can definitely appreciate that... =)


This is me...This is who I am...I think I have just determined that I really like who I have become... :)

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Simple Honesty vs. Brutal Honesty

 Thursday, February 17, 2011

I want to start this blog off by saying a few things...This blog is where I come to express my thought, feelings, and anything else that runs through my mind...I don't write to please anyone other than myself...If for some reason what I write offends you..I'm sorry..but let it be said again..I don't write to please anyone other than myself...I am not a fiction writer..I write about what I know...and what I know is my real life experiences...With that said..let the rest of my blog begin...

I was accused of being "Too Honest" in my last post...so that actually got me to thinking...First, is there a such thing as being too honest? Or is it just a mixed message of "Simple Truth vs. Brutal Truth"?

You see,  Simple Truth is defined as: plain truth...meaning you tell the truth without giving a detailed description...It is much more of a cushioned approach..your giving enough of the details to get your point across without going into to much emotion...

When you start talking about "Brutal Truth" the definition gets a bit more detailed...Brutal Truth is defined as:  to tell the truth to the point where it might hurt the other person...meaning you pull no punches..there is no cushion...

Which leads me to my last question...Is there a such thing as being "too honest"?? What I fail to understand is what is so wrong with honesty? Yeah, it hurts sometimes..but in the end..it's real..it's raw...and its the one thing you can stand on stable ground with...If you have a relationship built on lies and "omitted" truths the ground beneath you will crumble and the fall will be 10 times harder...

My last blog was "Simple Truth" at its finest..I didnt go into as much detail as I could have...not every memory that I have of my childhood or adolecencse is "Roses & Rainbows"...but is everyone's?? Just because my memories are not as horrible as some does not make my feelings and memories any less important or painful...

Only in the last year have I started to actually realize that I am validated in the feelings that I have...others may not be ready to stand and face the music..but I for one am tired of living in a world that is fabricated with "false truths"..and people hiding behind there feelings "in order to keep the peace"... You are taught from birth that "Honesty is the best policy" and to always say what your feeling...but as soon as you put a little grain of truth in your words..people retract...

So..in closing...tell me the truth..always be honest with me...I may not like what you have to say..and I'm pretty sure it will hurt like hell...but here's the thing...I will get over it...I will take it heart..I will apply it...and I will respect you more for it...and when it's over..I will thank you for making me a stronger person...

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"Staying close..."

 Friday, February 11, 2011

"The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together."
~Erma Bombeck

It's hard to put into words and convey what I really want to say here..so I am going to try and I hope that you can feel what I am trying to say...

As a child growing up, I don't have a good recollection of my family ever being that close...I mean, yeah we got together at all the important holidays but other than that you only saw them when someone died. My mom and dad worked a good bit back then, as times were hard with 3 kids, and neither one of them having a high school diploma. They both worked hard to provide for us kids..so I dont fault them for that at all. I actually think that's where I got my value of hard work. My brother and sister were older than I was and was very involved in school activities and didnt have much time to play with there "annoying" little sister. There was a couple of years there that I can actually remember my older brother, sister, and I being somewhat close...but the year that I turned 7 my parents divorced...things were turned upside down for me because not only did I not know what "Divorce" meant but my "Family" was now divided.

Fast forward a couple of years, with the addition of a step-mom and step-dad (both who have taught me so much and I love dearly) and a annoying (love you adam) little step-brother that had always been the only child, I had learned to adapt to this new "family" that had been given to me. Yet, still we were not close..my older brother had moved in with my dad 30 minutes away..my older sister had moved out as well..and so there was just me. My younger step-brother and I couldnt stand each other for the longest time..as I think back on it now I think it was because we were more alike than what we originally thought.

As a result of this, my older siblings and I are not close even now...both live in the same city as I and we rarely talk...We have nothing in common...and to be quite honest, both of them are perfect strangers to me. I don't know there favorite food, color, what music taste they have, I dont even know if they are allergic to anything. Surprisingly enough, my little brother (I lost the step a long long time ago) and I are extremly close...not sure if it was the fact that we lived together after I had Khristian, we fought all the time, we screamed how much we hated each other, and yes we even called our parents to tattle on each other (alot). Now...we talk everyday and he is one of my best friends...

I did not "grow up" in a sense with my older brother and sister...they were older than I was and although I can recall memories of us doing things as kids...I don't have alot...(and lets be honest, who actually remembers alot before the age of 5?) ...and really by the time that I was starting to grow up a little..they were gone...could this be the reason we are not close? I love both of my parents, but I have to be honest here and say that "staying close" was not really pushed in our household much..

The fighting, picking, crying for each other when they get spanked, sneaking off and getting drunk, having a secret hiding place that your not even supposed to be go in because it looks dangerous, covering for each other, and having common interests, being closer in age, feeling a certain level of trust...These are the things that make me and my little brother "Close"..

Your parents always say "Stay close with your brothers and sisters because when we are dead and gone, they are all you have"... Here is my take, (and I mean no offense, I have a tendency to say what others are thinking but are afraid to say) I love all my brothers and sisters...I would do anything in the world for them...and if It came down to it, I would defend them if need be...but...I dont think that necessarily means you have to be "Close" with them...We all live in different worlds, with different interests, and we dont always agree on alot of things..its ok that we dont talk on the phone but once a month..and its even ok that I don't know what many of there interests are...

Close or not...I think the only thing that matter's is the fact that we know that if we need anything...the other one is only a phone call away...

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